Terrible situation, I'm not blameless, but advice please

[Jamesrsl]

Hello

I no longer love my wife, though I have enormous affection, respect, & concern for her. We've become more distant over the last 2 years, argue endlessly over petty things. We're both apologetic, but I think we're at the end.

Separately, I met someone earlier this year. We worked together very closely for one project that's now over. We had an EA, and kissed, once. We then stopped. Every so often we've spoken, but it's been over for several months. We stopped, because I felt terribly guilty, and I wanted to make my marriage work. Also, within days of our kissing, I discovered my wife was pregnant. She's due in February.

I have tried. I think I have been patient & supportive. But I continue to have feelings for the person I had an affair with, & the marriage has continued to slide. The moments of respite have gone from rare to almost nonexistent, and deep down I know it's over.

But obviously, it's not just us now. So the question is timing. I still care for my wife enormously. I know the baby is vulnerable to stress during pregnancy, & will need A LOT of care at first. Do I make a clean, honest break now? Or do I wait, help through pregnancy, and get say a year down the road, knowing my wife is as set up as she can be? I want her to be happy. I want to provide for her & our child as much as I can & I'll do that either way. In short, is it better to live a lie for a bit, to help her & our baby through the next stage?

For completeness: I would want to be with the person I had an affair with, but would hold back until I left, and - despite what I want - would make clear I wouldn't expect them to wait if they couldn't.

I'll be practical and not emotive with you.

I think you should tell her it's not working and you want to separate. She can then decide who she wants with her at the birth.

Be clear you want to co-parent amicably then the two of you can decide how to move forward, stay in the house until after the baby or leave.

If leaving is best then go rent somewhere and be on your own for a while. Jumping into another relationship is a really bad idea. You can tell the OW how you feel but you need time and if it's real she'll wait and respect you for it.

Its a shit situation but you can deal with it like a grown up.

So you didn’t love her but were still shagging her and having unprotected sex whilst seeing someone else.

Well ain’t you a prince among men. Hope the other woman tells you where to shove it.

Leave your pregnant wife or wife with a new born. Such charming choices. I’d do one now, why pretend you’re a decent person

If i was your wife id want you to leave now, living a lie and making your wife think your family are set for a year with no inclination of you leaving is horrible.

imagine if it was the other way round you thought life was okay and then all of a sudden she told you shes leaving?

Be truthful
Inform her of your intentions and that you will still help with the child etc.

But dont act like nothings wrong and then drop her like a hot potatoe that would be so much worse for the baby seen as the baby would be hear by then and maybe a year old and witness mummy stressed and struggling to deal with you packing up and leaving

Stuff and nonsense

Don't string her along any more than you already have. The way you have reframed the situation is cowardly and dishonest. Be aware: no decent human being would be with someone who left their pregnant wife or wife and baby to be with them.

My first reaction? This is a windup.

OP

A newborn baby is hard work, many strong, stable marriages suffer greatly for the first few months when a baby is born. If your marriage isn't stable now, then what happens when you're both sleep deprived and arguing over who gets to do x, y, z in the home?

Your wife needs 100% commitment and support, which it seems that you're unable to give.

You don't love her anymore so break it off and allow her to make some decisions over her life.

You've obviously made some about yours. Ultimately you don't want her and sticking around because she's now an incubator isn't fair at all.

Sit her down, be honest about everything and then leave. Take time to focus on being single and supporting your wife to create a new life and to have the baby and then if you're feeling the same about the affair woman then perhaps try dating her like a normal person a year or so down the line. Take a step back and stop rushing from one disaster to the next.

Ultimately don't stick around and ruin the next two years of your wife's life. She won't thank you for leaving now but it's a damn sight better for everyone, including the baby of you leave now. You've robbed her of her marriage, don't steal the next two years of her life.

Also, if you don't love her and have checked out of the marriage, why the HELL were you having sex?!?!
You've treated her utterly unfairly and now have added another tiny human who will be treated unfairly. You need to take some responsibility for the mess you've created and do the right thing. Which isn't staying and pretending.

Tell her now. At least she can then consider the possibility of not going through with the pregnancy at all. I certainly wouldn't want to be tied to an arsehole like you for the rest of my days.

Assuming you do come back!!

You might be making a massive mistake..some people seek validation 8n relationships, and when the honeymoon period wears off they seek validation in another person.

This sounds like you..it means you will always feel unhappy with a partner after a few years.The resolution is within you.Don't look outside for anyone else to make you feel happy.

Wow!! You're a piece of work aren't you?! Your poor wife.. tell her now, she's far far better off without you...

Be honest you want the path to be clear to get with this other woman!

Some people might prefer to live in ignorance, but that would be their choice, not this lady's.
OP, you have to tell your wife the truth so that she can make INFORMED DECISIONS about HER life. Give her the dignity you're keeping from her.

OP, I don't really know what you would expect, posting on a 99% female and mothers internet forum....surely not something other than "You are a miserable oxygen thief, who has behaved like an arse"?

Separately, I met someone earlier this year.

Give me a fucking break.

Jamesrsl - what does rsl stand for?

Come on, this has to be a GF.

Jamesrsl - what does rsl stand for?

Just noticed the rsl. Not a genuine post then?
Arsehole!

If you leave your wife for a new woman in five or ten years time you will feel exactly the same about her as you do your wife now. Every relationship goes through these difficult periods. Some people work through them, some people jump ship.

My first husband did this to me. I was 31 weeks pregnant with our 2nd dc when he told me, 3 days before Christmas, he was leaving me. He purposely thought doing it during pregnancy was better than after she was born. He came to the birth. I so hoped him being there would somehow change his mind but it didn't. He swore there was no one else but when she was 7 months old I found out the OW had been in the background all along. Found this out when he pressed the call button on his phone by mistake and I heard their conversation.

You couldn't make it up tbh.

Anyway, that was 13 years ago but with hindsight I wish he had NOT told me during pregnancy. The effect on the baby would not have been good. The hormones, emotions etc tied up in being pregnant make it such a shitty thing to do.

I feel so sorry for your wife. It is a horrendous experience which took me a very long time to recover from.

"I no longer love my wife, though I have enormous affection, respect, & concern for her."

You still got her pregnant though didn't you and then went trotting off with someone else.
What an absolute tosser you are.
Do the decent thing and tell her, then leave. She deserves to make a new start with her child without you fucking up her memories of the birthing suite.

I hope someone beats the crap out of you.

Your poor wife.

I wonder if the OW knows the old addage "if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you"?

I wonder if the OW knows the old addage "if he cheats with you, he'll cheat on you"?

My guess is that she thinks she's special, and that the problems in the marriage are completely the fault of the wife. She thinks he is a great guy, as evidenced by trying so hard to make his marriage work. She also thinks she hasn't done anything wrong because she wasn't cheating on anyone.

I predict that if they do end up together, she won't get real clarity on the situation for another 5-10 years.

I also think that unless the OPer snaps out of it, he'll be one of those guys who gets married 5 times. My DH has an old friend like this. We liked his first wife the best.

Quelle surprise, the OP disappeared.

Poor kid having a dirty dicked fuckwit as it's father.
Get yourself under control and get sterilised, no one deserves to have someone like you inflicted on them. Don't fuck women you don't like without a condom in the is all obvious, basic life skills you should have known for decades.