Suddenly finding myself at the end, after 12 years?

[Flyingmoonpig]

Hello there,

I have been a long term lurker and have never posted! Thought I'd give it a shot and see if anybody might be able to offer any guidance. I feel lost TBH.

Myself and my partner have been together for 12 years and we have three children (8, 5 and 3). My partner is 11 years older than me and also has 2 children from when he was married.

Our relationship had a fairly unsteady start... lots of drinking & taking drugs together, me struggling to get used to dating a man with children, ex wife, controlling mother etc. We were taken with each other right away but life was complicated.

We broke up 2 years into our relationship because he didn't want anymore children and I did, this had been a big source of conflict and we agreed to split. He came back to me saying he'd changed his mind and that he would love to have children with me so after a period of time we got back together.. lots of drama after I'd slept with someone else while we were apart.

Anyway we carried on as usual, going out at the weekends, went on holiday then found out I was pregnant. 1st child born in 2008 (who was very hard work!).

I was studying at the time which made becoming a parent really tough. Other half had lost his home to repossession and was facing bankruptcy. We were skint, stressed & miserable. When he was 2 I accidentally got pregnant after contraception failure and had an ectopic pregnancy, then a few months later I had severe dyskariosis of the cervix.

I had started working and partner had started up a business which was not paying him any money, also stressful. I found myself pregnant again (planned this time) later in the year and had another child in 2012. Found myself pg again when ds2 was 1!!! Bit of a shock but I was happy, partner was not and questioned paternity!

Anyway his business has picked up and for the last few years he has taken wages, I supported household for three years with the help of tax credits prior to this though. It was a v hard time.

We've had some lovely times but a lot of our socialising has centred on drinking (plus drugs in the early days but not for a long time now). I was very insecure from the start because of ex wife and I had just come out of a very abusive relationship which I had no way healed from.

After being v lovely at first OH would change at times, uncommunicative, and inconsistent. If we argued when drunk he would break stuff or hit doors, once he slapped me round the face (but we were both drunk and I was being horrid). He reeled me in but would act sometimes completely disinterested, turning down sex and being very unaffectionate.

There has been a lot of selfish behaviour over the years such as leaving me to wet baby's head after C section, siding with his family over things e.g. When his sister wanted to stay over after I'd had csection and I said only for a night and she got upset.. he had a go at me, doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it e.g. Working all hours, nights out etc.

Perhaps none of these sound that bad but I just find that I feel pretty lonely. He's not outwardly horrible to me and can be really lovely at times. He's v sociable and all his friends and family love him. However in the relationship he doesn't really talk to me, works all the time, and does not help around the house at all. There is no affection between us and this has been absent for years.. in the early days I used to cuddle him and he just acted like he felt awkward, over time it's just started to feel weird.

It's like nothing's that bad that I can say there is a concrete reason but a gradual drip feed of stressful circumstances and me feeling quite unsupported and unappreciated over the years has led me to feel like I've fallen out of love.

Mother's Day was the worse and it's all come to a head since then, am on antidepressants, counselling and couples counselling. We talk in couples counselling but at home he just gets cross if I try and raise a difficult matter or just stares at the tv to avoid it!! He hates me asking him to do anything round the house and said that he works so hard and I don't appreciate what he does do. I also work 30 hours a week in a stressful job and am struggling. I know he is too because his business is really stressful.

It's hard to know how much of my depression is down to the relationship and how much is my own stuff but I am working through this in counselling.. but I just keep coming to the conclusion that we are not a good match. I feel like I'm growing spiritually and in my self understanding and also coming to terms with the abuse from the past but I don't feel like I want to share this with him because he doesn't get me and I've always had a gut feeling deep deep down that it's not right although for quite a while I did think he was my soul mate and we got engaged. However the wedding planning stopped and started and has now halted and my engagement ring has come off now!!

Just wondered what other people would do in this situation? He's not a bad man but is intrinsically selfish without even realise, was moddycoddled by his mum and is crap at communication. I'm probably no walk in the park either but I am trying my best. We have three young children and are being civil to each other. I feel like giving up!

Sorry it's long if you got that far!!!! Summarising 12 years is hard lol thanks for reading xxx

[Flyingmoonpig]

Just to add if anyone is reading that the lack of affection over the years has really started to get to me and made me feel really awkward to approach him for a cuddle, hold hands etc. I have found myself fancying other people and had a really serious crush for about the whole of last year!! I am craving love, sex, chemistry, the whole sherbang xx

[JoJoSM2]

Frankly, it sounds like a really awful relationship. I wonder if the only reason you don't see it as such is because you had suffered abuse before and use that as a reference point. In a good relationship, you'd support each other, be able to talk about anything to each other, have a laugh together, be affectionate etc - doesn't sound like your relationship at all.

[Flyingmoonpig]

In counselling I have drawn links between my earlier life experiences - parental divorce (very acrimonious) and being left to fend for myself in my teenage years, then being vulnerable and getting into drugs and the abusive relationship. My current partner just seemed so amazing in the beginning I know now I jumped in far too quickly. Think I thought I was safe but emotionally there is a real disconnection. Partner knows there are problems and has come to couples therapy willingly but feels I am blaming him for the demise of the relationship when I vent my frustrations about him and his behaviour. I don't know how a relationship functions when one person puts nothing in (apart from money and he can be really lovely with the kids).
He loves the kids but TBH I totally get why he didn't want anymore because quite often he is disinterested in days out and I find myself having to motivate the whole household!!! However he always wants to be at all school plays, parents eves etc. It's such an oxymoron sometimes and I never know what's real anymore!!

[Themayorofshitterton]

I'm afraid I don't really see any reason you should stay with him. I don't think he does you any good whatsoever and you would be better off without him. Sorry to be so blunt but I think you would do better without him, just you and your kids. I hope you can access some practical and emotional support to help you through this time.

[Flyingmoonpig]

I get so lost in my own head that I really start to question my sanity.. then I can't see whether it's because I'm anxious and depressed that's making it seem worse or whether the relationship has led to the mental health issues... combination of everything I guess.

It's been a steep decline since Mother's Day. We had invited our mothers and families round and I offered to cook because they do quite a lot to help us... childcare. But did say I'd need his help.

The day before I cooked all day in preparation and he had to do the front (postage stamp) garden and move furniture. He didn't do it then on Mother's Day he gave me gifts (nice) but hadnt done the two jobs. I went to the gym and came back, he had a go at me for being late saying that he now couldn't go! But still had the jobs to do. No breakfast.

Previously I'd said after dinner I wanted to go for a beach walk on Mother's Day. Anyway after dinner I asked him to help clear up and then he said him and his dad wanted to watch football. I said that seemed unfair as it was Mother's Day and I wanted to go for a walk. Anyway the football went on and MIL joked that Mother's Day doesn't really exist!!

Similar things have happened before but this was the straw that broke the camels back and since then it's all spiralled out of control.

I feel like I know the answer but he can also be easygoing and nice. So it's hard because then I feel guilty, also the stress on the kids which just makes me feel awful.

I honestly don't think I've ever had a supportive and equal relationship and feel like I deserve one. Am 35 with 3 kids and know I could do it alone but am also really scared xxx

[Aussiebean]

Just because someone is 'nice' doesn't mean they are a good partner.

Being 'nice' for a day and then going home, is nothing compared to the day in day out mutual love and support needed to make a relationship work.

[Flyingmoonpig]

I know. He's saying it's all going to change in the next few weeks as he's scaling back his business and will have more time.. but it's been like this for years. At one point I was doing all the cooking, cleaning in addition to part time work and he was working round the clock. He says he feels that because he is at work I'm having a go at him for not helping here but he is really busy and stressed himself. I get that but how can a relationship survive when one person is constantly asking for help and support and receives v little? He hates diy, gardening, clearing garages, sheds etc and I just resign myself most of the time to getting on with it on my own.

He'll sit and watch the tv after dinner and I'll clear up and have to ask him to help. If I sit down and the kids call out he gets the hump if I don't get up to see to them!! Most of the time anyway. Sometimes he's ok.

When they were tiny I did 97% of the nighttime stuff and he said that because I wanted the kids that it was my role.

He snores through his mouth and it really annoys me.

Am sure I'm not perfect btw and he's always saying that I need to take equal responsibility for what's going on and has gone wrong xx

[Flyingmoonpig]

Thank u for the replies it really helps. The counselling is really good and I am going to carry on for the foreseeable future xx

[JoJoSM2]

TBH, he sounds very selfish... And it almost sounds like you're trying to really convince yourself that he's not that bad despite, frankly, almost lack of any redeeming features/behaviour. Almost like he does 1 nice thing for 10 shitty ones but that is enough to leave you questioning yourself and hoping...

[Flyingprettycretonnecurtains]

I don't mean to sound like 'advice for 1950s housewife' but because he is running his own business which does considerably add to the coffers, is he stressed about aspects of that and feels like he needs help with that? I totally get your frustration with doing everything housy, that seems to also fall to me - not just doing it but thinking about it too. My eldest son helps out a lot. Plus I have stressful and tiring job BUT my DH never, ever, ever, complains about the state of the house and does handle quite a bit of boring crap too. I know when he is worried or stressed because he gets very uncommunicative with me and actually is a pain in the backside but this isn't a status quo, not a norm.

Is it worth you asking if he needs your support in the business or if you can take the stress off him there. Perhaps he feels he can't discuss stuff because he might worry you, then feels resentful, then feels like a tosser, more resentful amd then it is like a cycle. You both sound fragile and have had damage in the past. You are clearly coming to terms with that and are moving to sunnier uplands. Possibly he can see that and is scared he will lose you and kids? Or he knows it's come to an end too and can't voice it.

It does seem to be going on long term though (sorry, I'm rambling as just got back from surgery and mind is a bit wooo) so perhaps time to move on and be by yourself and children for a while. He sounds like a good dad so perhaps fifty fifty custody would be on the cards? That might reassure him. My DH can drive me potty, particularly with all consuming second job based around a particular talent he has which keeps him going through boring main job, and which has, over the years, encroached heavily on family life to the point where I've been a single parent, but I've just had cancer and he's been amazing. Other tough times he's been utterly supportive. Always loving and showing affection, makes me laugh, knows what I think. If this isn't there for you, and you don't think you can find a way back to it, then split.

[Flyingmoonpig]

It's where it messes with your head though. As to other people (and even in couples counselling) he comes across as really kind and almost a bit innocent in it all... that he has just been working so hard to make things work for us and doesn't want it to be like this, but ultimately if there is ever spare time he doesn't show motivation towards the house or the kids. I stopped washing and putting away his clothes after Mother's Day and there are now two HUGE piles of washing, one beside the bed and one in the conservatory. Says he's too busy to do it. Still hasn't cooked, too busy etc.

Makes you feel like you're going crazy!! So yes you get the absenteeism but then he can be really nice so you think that's who he really is but then he's withdrawn, selfish etc.

I am knackered and am wanting to split up, have told him this in counselling and he had the right hump with me afterwards. I don't know how to navigate this next part as I don't want it to get nasty. Thank u for the replies it's nice to hear someone's take on it. Sometimes we all need some judgment hey!! Xxx

[Flyingprettycretonnecurtains]

I think split then. Perhaps he loved rescuing you at first, then thought he might lose you so got you back and now he's just not that bothered. You could do without this horribleness at home and the children will be picking up on it too.

[category12]

I think you will be happier without him.

[Flyingmoonpig]

Sorry flyingpretty I posted as you did! Will respond to your message after school run xxx

[JoJoSM2]

That laundry building up makes him sound like a ***... He doesn't sound that busy, he sounds controlling - he'll just wait and manipulate until you cave in...

[misscph1973]

Flyingmoonpig, I can see so many parallels from your description of your relationship to my own, even down to the drinking and drugs.

The affection things is huge. I do not get any affection or intimacy from my DH, and it's really painful, I have found myself jealous of the dog FGS!

I am sure that you have doubts because it's not all bad all of the time. But it's not good enough either, is it? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with him, with things being like they are now? It's unlikely that any of you are going to change much.

[Flyingmoonpig]

Thanks for the replies!

Flyingpretty I constantly tousle with this situation because you are right.. he has got an awful lot going on at work. We both financially put 50/50 into the costs of the home. However he very much becomes swept up bubble things and can't see the wood for the trees... it's like nothing else exists beyond his work.

He feels given how busy he is that I'm not understanding enough towards his work and that he does as much as he possibly can. However I can't see how this can account for the days he has off as he clearly has some time then. But even if he does stuff I know that he begrudges it so that irritates me too!!

Have asked about helping him but TBH we're both really pushed and I need to be with the kids when he's at work. I think what I hate is the fact that it's been going on for what feels like forever.. even though financially we are in a much better place, I've always been hankering after the one day it will all change.. we had 3 years with him with no income at all after the bankruptcy and that was hard and TBH I felt he should have at least got a part time job alongside starting up husband business to bring something in and contribute towards the children from his marriage.

But he was also depressed. I think what strikes me is that he does what he wants to do when he wants to do it. He's just bought a new car for £17000 despite our plans to be saving for a house deposit and trying to get a mortgage (so not happening now!!!).

We don't communicate v well and after years of trying and not getting v far I have given up and withdrawn. He comes in from work and his face is straight in his phone and I find that really offputting. But when I talk to him about it he thinks I'm just moaning at him.

I don't like how I feel when I'm around him.. like things aren't right and I'm constantly making allowances for things that pee me off. His business is very much his venture and we lead very separate lives really (following on from bankruptcy). Last year I was struggling for money as he gave me half of the bills and food but was paying out extras on the kids. I asked if he could take more from work and he said no.. fair enough I thought. Then a few months later it turns out that he'd upped his wages and not told me. Said he did it so he could save money for us but in an argument said he didn't tell me because he knew I'd want money!!

Xxx

[Flyingmoonpig]

Few typos there sorry! Silly phone. The leading of lives being separate is in ref to finances xx

[Flyingmoonpig]

Misscph did you leave? I noticed the lack of affection really early on and would feel really rejected by him at these times.. like if we cuddled I would always go to him and it would be a bit wooden. If I ask him to tickle my leg or something he just sighs and moans about it so I've stopped asking. Never been any spontaneous kisses in the kitchen or things like that. I always used to initiate sex and to this day he rarely does (not that I want it nowadays). Makes me feel empty inside xxx

[lurkingwithlove]

This is more than just selfishness and your head shouldn't feel messed up by the person who's supposed to cherish you.

Sounds like he was slightly better than the devil you knew before..but that doesn't mean he's right for you. Listen to your gut, it's telling you things aren't right.

[category12]

How does he justify all that money on a car when you were supposed to be saving for a deposit?

[Flyingmoonpig]

He got a loan as his lease on his car was coming to an end... but said that he needed a decent car so got a 17k one!! I've saved up £10,000 myself over the last 3 years. Before that I saved up 5k and bought my car xx

[Flyingmoonpig]

There was no joint discussion about it. He just did it and said it was ok because he was paying for it x

[Flyingmoonpig]

His previous lease cost £250 a month anyway and the loan repayments are £300 a month so its not much difference. Just annoyed me that there was no discussion and that he didn't think going for a cheaper car was an option, esp in the context of saving for a house and supposedly a wedding!! Xx

[Teabay]

I've been in a V V similar place to you, moonpig. I left after 18 yes and it has been the hardest thing I've ever done.
But I now live in my own house with my DC 6&10 and we're happier, lighter and actually better off financially than before - now I manage the bills!
I have history like you and made choices like you - if you want to PM me so I can give you the details of how I did it, that's fine.
for you - you sound like a good mum.