My fucking, fucking husband

[CheesyChristie]

He's been a monumental shit to me since ds2 was born (18 months ago). It all came to a head a couple of weeks ago and I told him I was leaving if he didn't change. We had a really good talk, I explained everything I was unhappy about - having fallen into being a sahm so he can focus on his career

• moving to other side of country, again so he can focus on job
  
• him leaving me in the house from 6am to 9/10pm due to combination of staying at work and running/ cycling to station rather than driving even when I had gastritis and was crying asking him to come home and help me
  
• refusing to believe ds1 has autism despite diagnosis, thinks I am just overreacting to his behaviour as I can't cope with him
  
• offering no support when I was diagnosed with pnd, not once in the last year asking how I feel about it, anything.
  
• refusing to acknowledge ds1 needs any additional support
  

-doing nothing with the kids, ever
Loads of other stuff I can't even think of now, but generally just treating me as a skivvy and not his wife.

Anyway after a long talk he promised to change. Look into doing one day a week from home. Only run to station once a week. Plan activities for weekend once a month.

I've just looked at my phone and I've had a missed call from his office at 3.30. He does this when he goes out with workmates - rings once when he's leaving so I can't get arsey because he didn't tell me he was going out. This means he'll be getting a taxi back from the station which costs about £35. Ds1 has an important grading tomorrow at 8.30am. It's the one thing he enjoys and is really good at. He is excited about it and I've never seen him excited before. I cannot attend if ds2 is there - ds1 needs me in the room and ds2 screams because he can't run around. Dh will not be able to look after ds2, he'll spend the morning still drunk, puking and shitting. I'm sat here sobbing.

The absolute fucking, bellend, arsecock. I want to go home. I just want my mum. I just can't do all this on my own.

Sorry, just wanted a rant really. I live in the arse end of nowhere, lived here for two years and still don't have any friends here.

[NoCapes]

Go to your Mum
Just go
You need some support

[JohnLapsleyParlabane]

Didn't want to read and run. You poor thing

[mumonashoestring]

Fuck that. Tip him out of bed at 6am, chuck a bucket of cold water over him and tell him he has an hour to sober up enough to keep an eye on DS2 while you're at DS1's grading.

Then start getting your stuff together to leave.

[tallwivglasses]

Oh cheesy this sounds awful. He really doesn't care does he? He's obviously the type to say yes to keep the peace, then fuck off and do his own thing anyway. He hopes you'll just give up and shut up. It's not showing any respect for you or his DC. What's your next step?

[BearGryllsHasaBigRope]

Your husband sounds like an absolute shit. And that's being kind.

Is there anyone at all that can help you tomorrow? Could the grading place perhaps find someone to be with either ds1 or ds2 if you haven't got anyone you can ask?

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

I'm so sorry. He's an arsehole.

Short term - anyone who can sit with or hold DS2 while you go to the grading (I assume martial arts)? A babysitter? A neighbour?

Do you want him home tonight? Tell him not to come home and to fuck off out with the lads.

Long term - prep to get out if you can't do it immediately. Financial papers, copy everything, keep a grab bag.

And phone your mum. Tell her or someone else what's going on. You need the support.

[IToldYouIWasFreaky]

Yes. He is indeed an utter shit.
I'm really sorry.

[cheapskatemum]

What Mumonashoestring said - great advice! OP, I have PMed you.

[ElspethFlashman]

Text him and tell him if he gets drunk tonight you'll never forgive him. The ball is in his court then.

[NameChange30]

LTB
LTB
LTB

[yetmorecrap]

Didn't want to run because I can so feel your pain. I have moved houses 18 times in 21 years of being married. We rent so sometimes we have had to , at other times nowhere ever quite suited DH, I ended up never making friends because we were never anywhere long enough and I also work (with him) full time. One thing I will say, could you move somewhere more practical and with more to do in terms of possible support ? Did this guy ever want kids or was it something that was more driven by you because he really doesn't sound a family guy, I realised mine was not especially, so we only had the 1. Would it be possible to live nearer your mum if you think that would help? If he doesn't shape up, I would consider shipping out and moving closer to family so you have some possible help and support

[Astro55]

You shouldn't be in your own with a partner

Please consider going 'home' where you will have support

I'm assuming as you've moved several times he earns a good salary

Start gathering some stuff and make a plan to leave - it won't get better unless you take action

[NotInMyBackYard1]

Stop making things so easy for him. Go out at 7am for a walk before he leaves the house for work. Go out at the weekend and leave him to look after the children for the day, go visit your mum.
Go to the grading and leave DS2 at home with him, if he is hungover or not.
You need to start giving him a taste of his own medicine.
for you - i know how shit this situation is. My DH slides into this kind of behaviour and needs pulling up on it every now and again. We have 3 DC and i do 95% of everything for them and work 4 days a week too. I look after them before work and after work and he rolls home either after they have gone to bed or when they are having a story before bed. Has the cheek to complain if they are being cheeky or difficult about going to sleep. etc etc etc. it is exhausting.

[mackerelle]

LTB

[juneau]

Leave DS2 at home with him. He'll have to cope. Take DS1 to his grading (whatever that is ...). Job done.

[juneau]

One more thing: send him a text NOW telling him that that's what you'll be doing, regardless of how hungover he is.

[PippiLongstromp]

Oh my, if that would me I would pour cold water on him in the morning and just roar at him in anger. I'd make him look after the little one and leave the house. You have to set firm, firm boundaries for this behaviour. Although it seems this is what he wants to do, I doubt he is very happy himself. How can you, when you are not a father to your children.

[CheesyChristie]

My dm (and all my family and friends) live about 300 miles away. Ds1 has school on Monday so can't really go down there this weekend unfortunately. I spent Easter down there with the kids and it really focussed just how unhappy I am, not just with where I live but with dh too.

I genuinely believed him when he told me he'd make more of an effort. He seemed really shocked that I was so unhappy, he thought that as I'm on AD's I'm all better. Anyway I've pulled myself together and stopped crying at least!

yetmore it was dh who wanted kids. I always did in the long term but would've been happy to wait a few years (I'm early 30's) and get my career sorted a bit more.

Thanks everyone for your advice - as I say I don't really have anyone to talk to IRL so it's good to get opinions sometimes.

[LettuceMash]

Go to your mums. He's a prick.

[Imi22sleeping]

Find out where he is just now take the kids and go fucking mental.

[CashelGirl]

Agree, text now and remind him that you will be leaving the little one with him in the morning. Maybe take DS1 out for lunch or something to celebrate.

[WipsGlitter]

Just leave DS2 with him even if he has a hangover.

The refusing to believe your DS has autism would be a deal breaker for me.

[Bobbins43]

OP, I have no advice to give you but you sound so desperately unhappy and quite rightly furious. I'm sorry x

[RememberToSmile1980]

I'm sorry you're going through this. LTB and go to your mums for the extra support you need. He is a total arsehole and not appreciating you or taking on board any parenting responsibilities.