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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If I wanted to be firefighting all the time I'd have bloody trained for it...

95 replies

DerFlabberghast · 08/03/2017 18:59

I'm at the end of my tether a bit here. Feel like I'm constantly having to fend off my partner's moods and not do anything that might trigger them. We haven't been together long but it feels like years sometimes and not in a good way, he displays some other behaviour I find hard to deal with too, like his jealousy over other men and his lack of respect for my privacy (he's gone through my phone and camera before).

He's always insinuating that I'm up to something or not being honest with him and there doesn't even seem any point in reassuring him now mind is clearly made up. I don't know if this is controlling but my gut tells me it isn't completely right. There's other stuff, he says he understands when I don't have a high sex drive but then 'teases' me about it constantly, he's told me my beliefs and hobbies are 'stupid'... I just feel like I have to be so careful not to have a life outside of our relationship in case it upsets him basically. Despite this I know he is a caring person from his other actions like caring for me when I'm sick, being kind of animals and helping others out financially, so I feel really confused.

It shouldn't be this hard should it?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 08/03/2017 22:32

Was much worse to start with? Oh well maybe if you keep putting up with this shit then he'll keep improving Hmm

Don't know why you put up with worse, sounds pretty bad as it is now. Leave leave leave.

Original poster
DerFlabberghast · 08/03/2017 23:30

Feels like I'm being berated for not leaving immediately which is not helpful, as I said I have not been in an abusive relationship before, I don't even know if this is abuse yet, and don't really know how to handle it...meanwhile, duh, huge emotions are involved. How am I supposed to just cut my feelings away? It's not like pruning a tree!

OP posts:
Original poster
DerFlabberghast · 08/03/2017 23:31

Omg category, that was a bit of a lightbulb, I have just got better at pre empting the inevitable mood, shit.

OP posts:
Mo55chop5 · 08/03/2017 23:37

He sounds charming!

If you've not been together long and presumably have no kids or financial ties then just leave. In 6 months time you will be wondering why you put up with his bollocks for so long

Butterymuffin · 08/03/2017 23:45

Don't think people are berating. It's more that no one has advice on how to fix this that's anything other than 'leave him'. He won't change, he's said that himself. And this isn't right at all. It is definitely not acceptable relationship behaviour. No one's going to shout at you if you're not walking out the door tonight before the clock strikes midnight. But the stability you want will come when you aren't having to pander to this guy's ego anymore.

Original poster
DerFlabberghast · 08/03/2017 23:58

I do feel guilty if I think about leaving though, he has proved he'll be there for me no matter what, compromising in return for security is something people do in relationships all the time, even non dysfunctional ones

OP posts:
Original poster
DerFlabberghast · 09/03/2017 00:06

And he is kind to me when he's not having one of these episodes

OP posts:
ExplodedCloud · 09/03/2017 00:11

Compromising is more who gets to sleep on which side of the bed and whether the knives go up or down in the drainer though really. If it involves changing or hiding your core beliefs and hobbies and is all one sides? Not really compromise is it?

AnyFucker · 09/03/2017 03:13

You are bargaining away your self respect

Never a good idea. Did you ever think you were the sort of woman that would do that for just a man ?

Of course he is nice sometimes of course he supports you (on his terms of course). If he acted like a cunt all the time ypu wouldn't have given him the time of day in the first place. He now has you thinking you need him. You don't. He now has you thinking you can be good for each other. You can't...not when one person has to change the way they interact just to stop the abuse.

Shayelle · 09/03/2017 05:31

He will destroy you with his behaviours. Look how hes got you feeling already? Its only been 5 mins!! Rships are meant to enhance your life, not make you feel awful

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 09/03/2017 05:34

The kindness has all sorts of strings attached though. The kindness is a manipulation. Teasing you is not being there for you (especially about something as deeply personal as sex). Being 'hero of the day' is more about stroking his ego than helping you, if you see what I mean. This sounds like a one-way relationship-all about him. He is not a keeper-due to this fundamental incompatiblity.

PollytheDolly · 09/03/2017 05:47

I've been told that the controlling, paranoia and mood swings counts as emotional abuse, is it?

Yes.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 09/03/2017 06:30

This is emotional abuse. He will be joined for periods to keep you sweet. It's a classic. Run, run fast and don't look back. You seem over invested when you've said the relationship is not very old?

wannabestressfree · 09/03/2017 07:03

You are right it's not Instantaneous and you need time to process things. It's not right though and I think people get cross as at the moment there are a number of threads like this on here....
women appear as downtrodden as we ever were!
All I can tell you (as the daughter of a man like this) is that this never leaves you. I hated having to judge my dad's moods when I got up. Tiptoeing round and compromising so not to upset him. It led to me having some awful relationships as an adult.
Pick you this time. Make you a priority. Have a happy peaceful live.

Oblomov17 · 09/03/2017 07:09

You don't have to have been in an EA relationship before OP, to know what one is. I've never been. Grew up in a happy family and every relationship I've had has been fine. But I know what one IS when I hear it.
Don't play dumb. Don't say, give me a chance to absorb this, because I've never been in one before. Surely you KNOW. Thus you know what you have to do.

category12 · 09/03/2017 07:39

So, light bulb - you have learnt to preempt some of his moods.

This is just the beginning of an abusive relationship as he slowly chips away what would be your natural responses and reactions and has you thinking how to avoid him kicking off first. He will get more controlling. He will strip away you.

TheNaze73 · 09/03/2017 08:00

No one is berating you here OP. He's an abusive prize wanker, of the highest order & people are only pointing out the obvious to you.
He's no good, get out.

corythatwas · 09/03/2017 08:46

DerFlabberghast Wed 08-Mar-17 20:09:22
"I know, I hate that I have to be on guard around him, surely he should be the person I can most naturally relax with."

See OP, you know it already. Couldn't be better expressed than you did here. You just need to allow yourself to let it sink in.

Original poster
DerFlabberghast · 09/03/2017 09:25

blue I know, we got together at a very low point in my life so maybe I over invested in it, something to bring joy to us both in so much darkness. I don't know anymore. I just know I have to have this conversation soon. He's always selling my bluff on leaving him and you know what happened to the boy who cried wolf eh?

OP posts:
OnTheRise · 09/03/2017 09:29

To be fair he says he knows he can be very difficult as a person and may have like a split personality, but it's just the way he is and he won't change

The proper term is Dissociative Identity Disorder, and it's a very rare condition. Everyone dissociates from time to time (is that the right spelling?) but that doesn't mean we all have the disorder; and to use it as an excuse to abuse you like this is disgraceful.

I've been told that the controlling, paranoia and mood swings counts as emotional abuse, is it?

Yes, all that is emotional abuse.

I know, I hate that I have to be on guard around him, surely he should be the person I can most naturally relax with.

He should be.

He is letting you down horribly, over and over again.

You deserve so much better than this.

I don't mean to add to your feelings of being pushed to do something you're not ready to, but I am absolutely certain you'll be better off without him in your life, and the sooner you make that happen the better. I'm sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear. But intimate relationships should enhance our lives, not make them more difficult and unpleasant.

Spudlet · 09/03/2017 09:30

And he is kind to me when he's not having one of these episodes

He should be kind to you all the time, op. It shouldn't be used as some sort of reward for when you've been 'good' (i.e., not yourself but some kind of good little Stepford Wife who conforms to what he wants).

Get out, get out, get out now before you stop being able to see straight. There is something better out there for you.

gleam · 09/03/2017 09:38

I had a relationship where it was mostly poor, but sometimes good. I was complaining about him to a friend and pointing out the good bits and she said - so what? He's only nice to you when he wants to be. And as long as it doesn't affect what he wants to do.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 09/03/2017 09:48

Even abusers have moments of being nice. It is how they keep us from running. He is a horrid shit of a man and the only way you will feel better is away from him.

LouKout · 09/03/2017 09:49

He wont change.

At least not without profound and intensive therapy. Maybe not even then.

This is it-sorry

LouKout · 09/03/2017 09:50

"Split personality" probably just means "hideous bad moods" here.