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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If I wanted to be firefighting all the time I'd have bloody trained for it...

95 replies

DerFlabberghast · 08/03/2017 18:59

I'm at the end of my tether a bit here. Feel like I'm constantly having to fend off my partner's moods and not do anything that might trigger them. We haven't been together long but it feels like years sometimes and not in a good way, he displays some other behaviour I find hard to deal with too, like his jealousy over other men and his lack of respect for my privacy (he's gone through my phone and camera before).

He's always insinuating that I'm up to something or not being honest with him and there doesn't even seem any point in reassuring him now mind is clearly made up. I don't know if this is controlling but my gut tells me it isn't completely right. There's other stuff, he says he understands when I don't have a high sex drive but then 'teases' me about it constantly, he's told me my beliefs and hobbies are 'stupid'... I just feel like I have to be so careful not to have a life outside of our relationship in case it upsets him basically. Despite this I know he is a caring person from his other actions like caring for me when I'm sick, being kind of animals and helping others out financially, so I feel really confused.

It shouldn't be this hard should it?

OP posts:

Original poster

DerFlabberghast · 09/03/2017 16:33

Just a handhold and some empathy thanks youcan I put a lot into this relationship and now I have to leave the person I love even though they're so unkind. It's not a great place to be, sorry if that's a bit drama-queens for you?

OP posts:

KatharinaRosalie · 09/03/2017 16:41

I'm wondering what you were expecting to achieve by confronting him? That he says 'oh dear, I didn't realise, I will totally change my ways'?

PollytheDolly · 09/03/2017 16:43

I'm wondering what you were expecting to achieve by confronting him? That he says 'oh dear, I didn't realise, I will totally change my ways'?

He probably will say that.

But he won't change.

Original poster

DerFlabberghast · 09/03/2017 16:51

I just wanted him to realise it was wrong

OP posts:

YouCanDoThis · 09/03/2017 16:52

My point is that you have had plenty of empathy and hand holding here. That doesn't seem to be enough for you. Four months is the time to get to know someone who is, essentially, a stranger and decide whether their qualities and values are compatible with your own. It is the time for you to decide that being with that person makes you happy, that you feel good and inspired to find out more. You say that he actually treated you worse than he does now. You have said that you are not happy. He has told you that this is the person he is and you appear to want to change that.
Whatever you may have invested in four months has not been received and returned with kindness and appreciation. Why would you continue to flog something that isn't there? You feel as though you have invested a lot of yourself in four months. How much might you invest in six months, a year?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2017 16:52

He targeted you OP: of that I have no doubt whatsoever. You met him at a low point and he has exploited you to his own ends with the end result being you in this state now. He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2017 16:53

"I just wanted him to realise it was wrong"

That won't happen because he feels entitled to act as he does; he feels he is doing nothing wrong here. Such men like this one hate women, all of them.

Original poster

DerFlabberghast · 09/03/2017 17:11

I'm questioning youcan whether I'm being a bit unreasonable because when I look at the things he's done for me too, (looking after me when I'm sick, helping me out financially), I don't feel like I've responded with kindness and appreciation either by accusing him of being abusive.

OP posts:

Crocky · 09/03/2017 17:16

You are in love with the person he pretended to be at the beginning of the relationship. That person was a pretence that he cannot keep up. The real person is the one that is showing himself now and who will crush you if you stay.
Please look after yourself

ImperialBlether · 09/03/2017 17:17

What's your home situation like? Is it his home?

You've had some great advice here, particularly @pocketsaviour saying "Has it occurred to you that all these examples of his "kindness" are him feeling comfortably superior to the person/thing he's "helping"?" and also @category12 saying "Are you sure he's got better, or have you just got better at conforming to his wishes and pre-empting his moods?"

The thing is, really, how bad was he that this is better? This is really, really horrible. How on earth did he attract you?

category12 · 09/03/2017 17:30

Being good in some ways doesn't outweigh the ways in which he emotionally abuses you. If he was an entirely vile human being, he wouldn't have got near you in the first place.

But notice please - looking after you while you're sick, helping you financially are both ways of using your vulnerability/making you dependent. Things that allow you independence and happiness outside of him (your hobbies and interests) he stomps down hard on.

Of course he's upset that you called him out on his abuse - he doesn't think he is. It's probably all he knows how to be. It dopesn't mean it isn't, and it doesn't mean it isn't having a detrimental effect on you.

Butterymuffin · 09/03/2017 17:51

I'm not sure how anyone can tell someone they're being unpleasant and abusive 'with kindness and appreciation'. I think you have to accept that it's not possible. But does he treat you with 'kindness and appreciation' when he tells you your hobbies are stupid? Why is it one rule for how he treats you and another for how you should treat him?

I am also shocked that you're being treated this way after only four months. It is a very bad sign. I know you say you love him, but you're not going to be able to save this. Walk away as he's so kindly invited you to do the minute you raised his bad treatment of you (again, a decent man would be asking what he needed to do to put things right).

Original poster

DerFlabberghast · 09/03/2017 18:19

That's just it isn't it buttery, he gets to behave any way he likes but as soon as he gets his ego knocked I have to toe the line. At least I can feel myself getting angry, it's all been heartbreak and self pity up until now

OP posts:

meddie · 09/03/2017 18:33

Good! get angry if thats what you need to be stong enough to walk away from this. You should be angry, this man has had you walking on eggshells, wasting all your mental energy on behaving so as not to trigger his bad moods/sulks. Use that energy on yourself for once to do something that will ultimately improve your life. Walk out that door and give it a good old slam as you do

GallivantingWildebeest · 10/03/2017 09:33

I put a lot into this relationship and now I have to leave the person I love even though they're so unkind

You've been together FOUR MONTHS!!!!!!! It's a NEW relationship. FFS, what are you waiting for? Just leave.

when I look at the things he's done for me too, I don't feel like I've responded with kindness and appreciation by accusing him of being abusive

Well, he shouldn't have been abusive, then, should he?

OP, it might be an idea for you to do the Freedom Programme after you've left him.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2017 09:38

I am absolutely gobsmacked that all this shit has already gone down in a "relationship" of such a short duration

At 4 months in you are still dating not life partners. This is not a relationship, It's a fucking car crash.

Op, your boundaries are seriously skewed. Get rid of this loser and please swear off all men until you have got some professional help to find out why you are so open to your life getting wrecked by fuckheads like this.

Original poster

DerFlabberghast · 11/03/2017 23:29

I put a lot into it because it happened at a very low point in my life and was a passionate, intense connection that knocked me over, although I see that I do have codependency issues. Anyway, we're no longer speaking, thanks for all the support, I don't think I would have had the strength to stand up for myself without you all.

OP posts:

ExplodedCloud · 12/03/2017 00:47

Escalation rapidly is in itself a red flag. That's multiplied because of your vulnerability.
Please don't see him being intense while you were vulnerable as a kind thing.
You're not speaking. Is this an active decision on your part or are you passively accepting him not speaking to you? If he texts you kindly tomorrow, what will you feel?

KatharinaRosalie · 12/03/2017 07:36

You know what's the first warning sign on the abuser check list?

Quick Attachment and Expression. “The Loser” has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to “The Loser” is how quickly he or she says “I Love You” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” – where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying “If it’s too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point – it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment – not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly – but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause “The Loser” to detach from you as quickly as they committed. “The Loser” typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2017 10:31

Thank Christ for that

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