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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If I wanted to be firefighting all the time I'd have bloody trained for it...

95 replies

DerFlabberghast · 08/03/2017 18:59

I'm at the end of my tether a bit here. Feel like I'm constantly having to fend off my partner's moods and not do anything that might trigger them. We haven't been together long but it feels like years sometimes and not in a good way, he displays some other behaviour I find hard to deal with too, like his jealousy over other men and his lack of respect for my privacy (he's gone through my phone and camera before).

He's always insinuating that I'm up to something or not being honest with him and there doesn't even seem any point in reassuring him now mind is clearly made up. I don't know if this is controlling but my gut tells me it isn't completely right. There's other stuff, he says he understands when I don't have a high sex drive but then 'teases' me about it constantly, he's told me my beliefs and hobbies are 'stupid'... I just feel like I have to be so careful not to have a life outside of our relationship in case it upsets him basically. Despite this I know he is a caring person from his other actions like caring for me when I'm sick, being kind of animals and helping others out financially, so I feel really confused.

It shouldn't be this hard should it?

OP posts:

redexpat · 09/03/2017 09:58

From your OP I don't know if this is controlling but my gut tells me it isn't completely right

Trust your gut.

GallivantingWildebeest · 09/03/2017 10:04

he's told me my beliefs and hobbies are 'stupid'... I just feel like I have to be so careful not to have a life outside of our relationship in case it upsets him basically.

That is no way to live.

he says he knows he can be very difficult as a person and may have like a split personality, but it's just the way he is and he won't change

He's said this to give himself an excuse for everything he does. He won't have a 'split personality' (has he been diagnosed?). What a load of rubbish. He's an abusive, manipulative person and sometimes he acts nice because if he was a wanker all the time you wouldn't have got together with him.

I can't really imagine what my life will look like without him in it*

Wel,, you won't have anyone going through your phone or computer. You won;'t have to walk on eggshells all the tiem or pre-empt his moods. You won;t have to watch everything you say in case you upset him. Sounds brillaitn to me!

GallivantingWildebeest · 09/03/2017 10:05

Oops, sorry for typos above, posted too soon by accident.

I do feel guilty if I think about leaving though, he has proved he'll be there for me no matter what, compromising in return for security is something people do in relationships all the time, even non dysfunctional ones

People don't have to compromise their whole lives, though OP. Small compromises like folding the washing one way, or leaving the dishes until morning, yes. Huge ones like you're making, no. And is he making any compromises for you? I bet he's not.

TempusEedjit · 09/03/2017 10:11

You say you've not been in an abusive relationship before but actually...I would guess that you have, just not as bad. Otherwise you would recognise his behaviour for what it is and your bar for what constitutes being a "caring" person would not be so low. Kind to animals? That's not kind, that's just normal and not something that should even occur to you as a plus point.

Btw it's a classic that abusers will target vulnerable people to rescue them and make them dependent, as indeed you were when you met.

P.s Google "sunk costs fallacy".

Original poster

DerFlabberghast · 09/03/2017 10:13

Oh god, he is abusive isn't he? He uses phrases like 'don't play dumb' or 'you're playing the victim' and it's never sat right with me and now I know why I've had a look through loads of links about EA last night and now I'm in tears again this morning because he ticks so many boxes. I had almost no one else when I came out of hospital so I guess that's why our relationship seemed so 'be all and end all' if that make sense?

OP posts:

tethersend · 09/03/2017 10:16

I recognise the signs because I've been there. There's no shame in it, he is the one who is abusive. He will chip away at you insidiously; he is creating your unhappiness so he can 'save' you from it.

"I know, we got together at a very low point in my life"

This may not have been a coincidence- IME, men like this actively look for people who are feeling low, as it makes them easier to control.

I promise you, leaving him will make your life far, far better; even if you don't feel it straight away. He has created a dependence which will be hard to overcome- but overcome it you must, otherwise you will be utterly miserable for the rest of your (or his) life.

category12 · 09/03/2017 10:23

It's good that you're recognising the quicksand you're on. Your vulnerability at that time was what attracted him. I know it's hard. He will try to suck you back in, if he senses your confusion, but please keep seeing it for what it is.

ExplodedCloud · 09/03/2017 10:26

He saw a vulnerable woman who would be grateful for crumbs. A woman who could be persuaded to believe she needed him.
Whether he targeted you or just likes women he can feel superior to? Who knows. The end result is the same.
You will always have your wants and needs belittled because you need to understand your place.

PollytheDolly · 09/03/2017 10:32

It's shocking when you realise it, isn't it OP. It creeps up on you.

But you are armed with knowledge and experience now. Be strong and do what's right for you xx

KatharinaRosalie · 09/03/2017 10:33

I've been in a relationship like that. The good times were just amazing, I thought he was the love of my life.

Only thing was that I always managed to do something to ruin his mood. When we saw my friends, he always took an offence to something they did or said, and sulked. It became easier not to see my friends.
I wasn't grateful enough for something he did and didn't express my appreciation properly, so he sulked. Didn't matter that what he did was something I had clearly mentioned I had no interest in.
Whatever I tried to do was either not enough, too much or simply done in the wrong way. I spend the relationship walking on eggshells, always worrying about what I might do to upset him.

But as you say, the good times are just so good. Such a relief when he's all happy and smiley, isn't it. If you could just behave a little better and anticipate the moods and he could be like that all the time..

But you can't.

No, I can categorically state that it should not be this hard.

Original poster

DerFlabberghast · 09/03/2017 10:41

It's only been four months we're supposed to be all lovely dovey and sickening to be around, not this.

OP posts:

ExplodedCloud · 09/03/2017 10:48

Yes. You should be grinning randomly like a loon with the excitement of it all.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/03/2017 10:59

4 months!!!
Bloody hell OP - RUN - FAR AND FAST!!!
This absolutely will only get worse.
He's actually told you who he is and that he won't change.
but it's just the way he is and he won't change
LISTEN TO HIM!!!

THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

TempusEedjit · 09/03/2017 11:02

Four months

Bloody hell OP you need to get out!

Teabay · 09/03/2017 11:09

It's more complicated to leave a phone contract after 4 months than a cruel partner.

Please come back and post on here in 6 months and tell us about your new dates!

redexpat · 09/03/2017 12:44

4 months?! Then no it shouldnt feel like much longer. Have you got anyone in real life you can talk to?

Cary2012 · 09/03/2017 13:01

At four months in...well these should be the best days. Stay, and it will get worse.

I was in an EA marriage for twenty years, it nearly broke me. I lost myself, I walked on eggshells, I truly believed it was all 'me' so I changed into a complete doormat to please a man who I could never please anyway.

You must get out.

I ended up on ADs before I found the strength to throw him out. I am now 'me' again, AD free and back to how I was.

These guys are so clever at making us feel that if we just do this or that, jump through their hoops, then everything will be ok. They're damaged and in return they damage us.

Dig deep, find the strength and get out. I know you are finding it daunting, but see that fear as a product of the abuse,to keep you in an unhealthy relationship.

You will be stronger without him, just take the leap at finding the happiness you deserve.

Original poster

DerFlabberghast · 09/03/2017 15:47

Confronted him a bit today, probably went about it the wrong way, hes angry and says that I know where the door is. I'm fucking heartbroken.

OP posts:

LouKout · 09/03/2017 15:52

Use the door.

JustGettingStarted · 09/03/2017 16:02

Confronting him will never work on him. He knows how to push your buttons.

That's why you feel broken hearted.

He met you when you were low. He enjoyed being kind when you were ill. He likes you weak. You beliefs and hobbies are a threat to that. He needs to keep you weak because that's how he likes you. He doesn't want you to be happy and strong. Imagine if he were slipping little bits of poison into your food in order to keep you too ill to go out? That's what he does to you emotionally.

hellsbellsmelons · 09/03/2017 16:03

Well that must be all you need to hear OP???
As a PP said - use that door.
Walk away - in fact run through that door with gusto!

ExplodedCloud · 09/03/2017 16:07

He knows he's doing it. He won't change just because you tell him you know.
I know you feel sad but it won't get any easier tomorrow or next month.

Cary2012 · 09/03/2017 16:10

You confronted him, he gets angry. Of course he does, it's to put yourself back in your place, how dare you have the audacity to question him! He then issues an ultimatum to control you again. It's a cycle of EA that many of us recognise. He wants you heartbroken. What a prize he is!

I agree, use the door!

And above pp, that bit about emotionally poisoning you, had me nodding in agreement, that is exactly what he's doing.

He's already got you to a point where you doubt your own judgement as to whether you should leave him or not. Another classic outcome of staying with an abuser. You don't need confirmation from online quizzes to know the answer to this. You need to trust your gut, realuse your worth and split up with him.

YouCanDoThis · 09/03/2017 16:10

You sound a bit of a drama queen tbh. You have had many people here explain the behaviour to you and share their own experiences. Does it matter what the label is? You are in a very new relationship. After four months this man is practically a stranger, despite what you want him to be. You do not enjoy his company, the way he treats you is not acceptable, and you are not happy. What exactly are you looking for?

ExplodedCloud · 09/03/2017 16:10

Just realised. You say you 'went about it the wrong way, he's angry'
Really? Your fault? How do you figure that? Is there a right way to say 'Darling, you're an abusive arse and unless you stop it we're through'?

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