Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help me respond (or not) to this message

(235 Posts)
TellMeHowToLiveMyLife Fri 06-Jan-17 21:01:19

Just had a friend request on Facebook from a woman I didn't recognise. I saw we had a lot of friends in common from my hometown so thought was maybe someone from my school I'd forgotten about. After I accepted I had a nose through pics I realise its the wife of my first boyfriend.

A few minutes after I accept I receive this message from her "Hi TellMe, this is going to sound odd but I'm married to "Dave" who I believe you used to date? Just found some old photos of him and wondering if you can remember and let me know exactly when you broke up? Ps I'm quite normal really!"

"Dave" and I broke up properly about 9 years ago but were then shagging each other prob onc a month or so until I got together with my now dh 8 years ago. Having scrolled through this woman's profile she posted a message a few months ago saying "Happy anniversary Dave -2 kids, 5 years of marriage and 10 years of fun". That suggests to me there was some serious cross over between our relationships. Or maybe they've just known each other 10 years?

Argh, I really don't want to reply if it's going to cause a shit storm. She can see i've read the message so I need to reply don't I? Can I pretend I dont remember?

Cooloraction Fri 06-Jan-17 21:06:00

Oh man, that's a toughie!
I think I might let her know just the official end date..

cauliflowercheese14 Fri 06-Jan-17 21:06:12

I wouldn't reply. Doesn't matter if she knows you've read the message.

Timeforabiscuit Fri 06-Jan-17 21:07:43

Ah crap sad, you can never know the ins and outs of others relationships - but its a question I wouldnt be comfortable answering either!

Id just be honest, if shes asking its for a reason.

ImperialBlether Fri 06-Jan-17 21:08:51

I'd be honest with her - she obviously needs to know for a reason.

lampshady Fri 06-Jan-17 21:10:02

I'd just tell her. "It was around X date from memory but I'm a bit hazy! Take care."

She may be digging for the info she suspects has occurred. You won't be creating any drama - I think there's no reason not to give her the answers she wants.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Fri 06-Jan-17 21:10:10

i'd tell's no skin off your nose, and might put a few puzzle pieces into place for her.

SandyY2K Fri 06-Jan-17 21:10:50

Something has made her suspicious. Perhaps he's been caught out having an affair.

I think I'd want to know why she's asking, before I said anything to her. Either that or ignore and block her.

bluecashmere Fri 06-Jan-17 21:12:31

She's asking because she has suspicions and deserves to know. You haven't done anything wrong. If there's a shit storm it will be down to Dave and not you.

HecateAntaia Fri 06-Jan-17 21:12:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buckeejit Fri 06-Jan-17 21:13:47

Eek, I'd say 'oh sorry, thought you were someone else. Iirc it was around xxx. All the best & de friend immediately!

And hope she's not a MNer (unlikely as we'd all have told her she WBU to friend request you!)

longdiling Fri 06-Jan-17 21:14:41

I'd be inclined to answer a straightforward question like that with an honest answer. Any resulting shit storm is entirely on 'Dave' if he's been a lying twat.

sometimesKit Fri 06-Jan-17 21:14:44

I'd go with what lampshady suggested. Not replying would just make you look dodgy, as if you knew full well there was an overlap in your relationship ending and his one with her starting. It's his problem to deal with, if you provide the information she's asking for you can then stay out of it.

Ilovecaindingle Fri 06-Jan-17 21:14:51

Oo that was back in my Lambrini /cider days I can't quite remember - why do you ask?

Limewithorange Fri 06-Jan-17 21:15:18

Why get involved? Just de friend her.

Whatabloodyidiot1 Fri 06-Jan-17 21:15:54

Well the 'right' thing to do would be tell her. Don't dwell on the consequences of you telling the truth, that's for him to deal with.
No bad ever cane from telling the truth.
It must have taken a lot of balls from her to contact you after all this time.

JerryFerry Fri 06-Jan-17 21:17:40

I'd just tell her. Any "crossover" is for her and Dave to sort out.

GrumpyDullard Fri 06-Jan-17 21:17:40

You've got to tell her. Imagine if you were her, to have plucked up the courage to send you that message and then never get a response. As PPs have said, she must have a good reason for wanting to know. Just be honest.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Fri 06-Jan-17 21:18:56

I agree: she's asking ng for a reason.

I'd reply something like "oooh, exactly? Gosh, I don't know. LOL Why do you ask? [Smiley face and maybe another LOL]"

And see what her reaction is to that. If she comes back spitting bullets or sarky, feel free to Unfriend and Block her. However, she might need your support (or at least sympathy) in the near future. You don't owe her, of course, but, ya know, solidarity.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Fri 06-Jan-17 21:22:06

BTW, I almost never say LOL normally.

I also like the "Lambrini and cider days" get-out clause! grin

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Fri 06-Jan-17 21:22:09

BTW, I almost never say LOL normally.

I also like the "Lambrini and cider days" get-out clause! grin

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Fri 06-Jan-17 21:22:11

BTW, I almost never say LOL normally.

I also like the "Lambrini and cider days" get-out clause! grin

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Fri 06-Jan-17 21:22:46

gaaahh! hate the app!

TellMeHowToLiveMyLife Fri 06-Jan-17 21:23:30

I dont want to ignore, I think that looks like I've got somethimg to hide.

I might just say it was at least 9 years ago. Would that be ok? Not really lying? I dont know why I'm feeling like I've done something wrong! I was just looking through the pictures of her lovely family and I dont want what I write to cause any drama.

Diamondjoan Fri 06-Jan-17 21:24:43

I'd have nothing to do with tgat tbh. Block and move on!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: