DH smacked DD and has left

[Crumb502]

Family life has been tough for the last few months and it has all come to a head tonight...

To cut a long story short, DH has been depressed/stressed for some time and has been very moody with me and the children. We are all walking on eggshells around him and each other - he is unable to cope with conflict in any way.

DD (6) has always been 'spirited' but recently she has been having huge tantrums which, if he is around, he needs to leave the house for as he can't cope.

DS (10) has also had a behaviour change recently and has become aggressive / shouty with me and his DS.

Tonight DD started with a tantrum which, despite me trying to resolve, ended up with DH demanding I leave him to 'sort it out'. Minutes later I hear him smack her (door was closed and I heard the crack), so I ran upstairs and shouted at him "what are you doing"? She was screaming and then DS came in, shouted at his Dad and then shoved him, shouting "Don't hit my sister".

DH looked shocked, took his wedding ring off, said "that's it" and has left.

I don't know what to do, children are still very upset saying they have lost their Daddy and I'm trying to hold everyone together...

I'm lost.... what should I do??

[Joysmum]

Tell your children their father was wrong to hit and you are as upset as they are, that it's sensible he's gone out to calm down and this is best left till tomorrow for you and him to talk through.

That way you aren't making promises or predictions.

[Donthate]

Where do you think your DH has gone? I would call text him to check where he is and reassure the children.

[SaltyBitch]

Completely agree with Joys. You explain what is happening, distract them with something they like and get them to bed as happy as possible.

Then, when he comes home it is time for a very big talk.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Has the children's behaviour been as a reaction to his moods do you think?

Awful for you and the children to go through tonight, it's good that he's gone, and yes tell them he was very wrong, and you will have to talk to him tomorrow

[SaltyBitch]

Don't call or text him. He won't answer and you'll further fuel his anger by 'nagging' him. Let him wallow and work through this alone for a while. Let him come to you.

[Bertucci]

I wouldn't want him back- ever, tbh.

But you need to reassure your children. You must be able to make something up? Tell them he's upset because he did something wrong and he has gone to stay at a friend's?

But please don't let this ever happen again.

[alwayshappy101]

I agree with all pps.

for you and your dc's.

[MistyMinge]

I think previous posters are right - reassure your kids and make sure they get to bed without feeling too worried. Tell them DH knows he shouldn't have done it and is very sorry.

Has he been to see a doctor about his depression and stress. If not I'd be making him go.

Maybe him being away for a few days would do you all some good.

[Crumb502]

His phone is turned off... I have explained that DH and DS were both wrong to get physical.

I think we are all a bit strung out with his moodiness and sulkiness - all of us are on edge constantly.

I am concerned about his mental state to be honest.

Thanks for the advice, appreciated very much.

[NotAnotherUserName1234]

You should hug your children and arrange some family counselling.

I think your DH needs to leave at least for now.

[trufflepiggy]

I'd be reassuring the kids that what happened wasn't acceptable in any form.

And then, purely because of his mental health state, would check that he's safe.

But it's pretty unforgivable. Hope your DD is okay.

[oleoleoleole]

If he doesn't return before bed time please phone police and report him missing. He sounds in a very sad place mentally and needs help.

[Lunar1]

I wouldn't bunch your husband and ds together like that. I think it's good that he's gone for now at least.

[llangennith]

Your DC come first. He's an adult (supposedly) and needs to grow up. Sorry but I have no sympathy towards him at all. You don't hit little girls.
Tell him to bugger off.

[memyselfandaye]

He hit her hard enough for you to hear the "crack" through a closed door and on a different floor?

I would never take him back. It's unforgivable.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Sounds as though they have been having normal children 's reactions to being made responsible for their father's moods. His mental health is not for his small children to manage.

I hope he can accept responsibility for this, whatever his mental state, and work towards controlling his behaviour. If he can, there's hope. If not...getting away from you all might be the best thing he could do. My experience of a violent father is that it escalates and is never his fault. (I think your son was right, though...getting physical to protect his sister from assault is right, and how brave of him to take on a grown man.)

You're doing great, OP. I'm thinking of you.

[Blu]

Emphasise to both children that it is not / was not their fault. The explanation that their Dad has gone to calm down is a good one.

Please: don't let your boy think his shove, defending his younger sister, was anything like the 'wrong ' that your H did by hitting her like that.

I think his impulse was a good one, tbh.

[Blu]

And brave.

[WouldHave]

Has your DH sought any treatment for his depression? If not, he needs to do so tomorrow.

[Marmalade85]

Is it likely he would cause harm to himself?

[HeddaGarbled]

for you.

Tonight, reassure the children and get them to bed as calmly as possible.

You've tried to contact your H and his phone is switched off so no point keeping on trying. Leave him to calm down and have a good think now.

When he comes home, tell him he needs to get to his GP and get some support ASAP.

Finally, you need some support yourself. Family? Friends? Or maybe just Internet search for support for partners of people with depression.

[Blu]

And I agree, OP, once the kids are asleep, if you don't know where your H could be, I would seek help.

[AnyFucker]

He should stay gone

Permanently

[Princesspinkgirl]

This is not appropriate behaviour for your husband and your children are at risk I don't think u should have him back if your children tell school of someone that dad's behaviour is like that they will get social services involved

[Crumb502]

DD behaviour recently has been terrible; I've been trying lots of different strategies to try and help her through it - cuddles when she is about to lose it, making calm down bottles together and trying to just help her through her overwhelming feelings... nothing is working though and I just feel a complete failure on all fronts...

My work is really stressful too at the moment so I feel like I'm struggling to hold it all together for everyone, but clearly not succeeding!!