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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH wants me to orgasm

258 replies

Sugarandspice123 · 04/10/2016 07:10

I feel really under pressure and my marriage is suffering because I don't feel as sexual as I used to. I gave birth 8 weeks ago and my 'urges' just haven't returned, and it's really affecting my relationship. Please note this is coming from a place of love on the side of DH as he sees making me orgasm a way of showing his love, and he's finding the lack of intimacy is really affecting his mental health. But I can't force or fake my feelings, we've never been like that, always been open and honest. Last week he went to work without saying goodbye for the first time in 5 years. I found out he was upset because when he'd tried to 'pleasure' me the night before I hadn't orgasmed. I now feel under so much pressure. We've DTD twice in the last week and it's been painful and difficult, we've never had problems before.

I'm worried that it's going to affect DHs relationship with DS. DH doesn't have a good relationship with his father, we think his father resents him for taking his mother away from him when DH was a baby. I don't want the same thing happening again. This was not a surprise pregnancy, it was much longed for. 1st pregnancy ended in MC at 12 weeks, I nearly MCed this one, had SPD at the end (which got in the way of sex) then had a long traumatic birth ending in emergency C section. I'm a glass half full sort of a person and see it as a miracle DS and I are so healthy. DH is a glass half empty and is angry we've all suffered so much.

DH is overly clingy and affectionate ATM which is lovely, and he tells me how beautiful I am, but it's just not working, and I can see how much it's getting to him. I just want to be a happy family and this is getting in the way. I don't know whether I'm looking for advice or just reassurance it gets better

OP posts:

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DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/10/2016 07:14

8 weeks after birth? tell him to leave you alone, never mind his "mental health" because you don't orgasm. Twat.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 04/10/2016 07:16

Everyone is different but 8 weeks after ky DC birth I was delirious due to lack of sleep - there was a growth spur and I was feedung ever 2 hours. If anyone tried to make me orgasm then I would not be responsible for my actions.

Groundhogday2016 · 04/10/2016 07:17

What, he refused to say goodbye because you didn't orgasm 8 weeks after giving birth? I've never heard anything so ridiculous. What a selfish man. I don't like the sound of his behaviour at all.

Have you told him it was difficult and painful for you so soon after a csection? It sounds as if he is pressurising you.

It's all about him and his fragile ego, not your 'pleasure' at all.

And the theory about his father resenting his baby, again what nonsense. Is your husband turning into his father?

I am quite angry and upset for you.

Fairylea · 04/10/2016 07:17

8 WEEKS?!

He's being an arse to be honest. Lots of women aren't even remotely in the mood for months after giving birth. It's completely normal to lose interest in sex - it's natures way of ensuring you don't get pregnant again too quickly!

He needs to be more understanding and stop sulking because that's what he's doing.

My sex drive didn't return for about 8-9 months after giving birth to my first child.

FoxesOnSocks · 04/10/2016 07:18

DH is overly clingy and affectionate ATM which is lovely

Clingy? As an adult? To be honest, I'm not sure there's any getting over a man being jealous of his child taking the attention away from him. Least not unless he makes the effort to change his attitude.

PoldarksBreeches · 04/10/2016 07:19

8 weeks?!?!
Your entire body is still shifting and resettling after being pregnant and giving birth. Maybe your clitoris has moved and you need time to rediscover how it works! Maybe you are just recovering from birth and not feeling sexual. He sounds utterly foul to be honest. Please stop having sex that you don't want and that makes you feel shit.

WatchingFromTheWings · 04/10/2016 07:19

8 weeks isn't long enough. He's being incredibly selfish putting you under so much pressure so soon. Length of recovery time will vary from woman to woman. He needs to back off and be patient.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/10/2016 07:19

He's being a sex pest! 8 flipping weeks after you've given birth is fine if you want it but you clearly aren't ready yet and the majority if women aren't as they're still sore and tired. Tell him to back off.

PoldarksBreeches · 04/10/2016 07:20

The 'overly clingy and affectionate' rings bells too. Is he competing with the baby? Is it your first? This has danger signals al over it

Ilovenannyplum · 04/10/2016 07:20

Oh Christ 8 weeks is nothing, DP came nowhere near me for pushing 4 months.

You've just had a major op, a major life change with the arrival of your DS (congratulations! ) and I suspect very little sleep. He needs to back off for a bit until you're ready.

PotteringAlong · 04/10/2016 07:21

He's being an arse. Resenting your baby for taking you away 8 weeks after giving birth?! 8 weeks?!

You need to tell him he's being a knob. And tell him why. And give him the choice of turning into his father or not.

Myusernameismyusername · 04/10/2016 07:21

Tell him to stop putting pressure on you and put all this energy into bonding with his children. Which is far more important. He's really got his priorities wrong OP. As for your orgasm then if it hurts or you don't want to then DONT DO IT. You are under no obligation to have sex even if he sulks. And this obsession with orgasm sounds more about his own ego than your pleasure! (He doesn't care if it hurts or hasn't bonded with kids as long as he knows he is a stud in the bedroom and can make his woman come?)

He needs to realise both of your priorities are on your children while they are so little, him being clingy isn't very attractive if you are honest is it? Make that clear to him. Wouldn't he rather have a wife who adores his parenting skills rather than just his bedroom skills?

Fairylea · 04/10/2016 07:21

Can I also just say (as someone who also had a complicated and difficult c section) that he should be worried about supporting you and the baby so you can recover, not putting pressure on you to have sex and orgasm. You think he's being all sweet and feeling sorry for him but actually he's being horrid and controlling.

GazingAtStars · 04/10/2016 07:21

I'll be honest and admit I haven't had a baby...but if sex was painful and difficult for me I wouldn't be bloody doing it until I felt like it that's for sure.

TheNaze73 · 04/10/2016 07:22

I guess everyone is different & wants to get back on the horse at different stages. He needs to respect your wishes a bit more

Only1scoop · 04/10/2016 07:22

'SPD got in the way of sex at the end' and now 8 weeks after giving birth you aren't performing quite to his normal requirements....
And he's 'angry' about what you've both been through....
Is he normally so self absorbed?
His 'mental health' is suffering....
What about how you are feeling?
I don't know why but I felt exhausted on your behalf reading your Op.

Naicehamshop · 04/10/2016 07:23

8 bloody weeks???! I would have punched dh to the ground if he'd even mentioned sex at that time.
Why are you letting yourself be pressured into sex that you don't want and is painful??

LilaTheLion · 04/10/2016 07:24

EIGHT WEEKS?! Seriously tell him to do one. If he wants to get his pleasure by giving you pleasure he does not get to choose what that pleasure is!

it's been painful and difficult
Stop it, DO NOT allow him to hurt you for his 'mental health' my arse. You are not there for his bloody pleasure.

I don't think an OP has ever made me so furious on someone else's behalf. Keep talking motherofravens, plenty of support here

PotteringAlong · 04/10/2016 07:24

Please note this is coming from a place of love on the side of DH as he sees making me orgasm a way of showing his love

Do you know how my DH showed me loved me after I'd given birth? He made me drinks and food, got me clean pj's and got up in the night. He asked about my stitches. He did not have sex with me when I didn't want to.

laurenandsophie · 04/10/2016 07:24

If you (plural) want things to change, either: one of you has to change, or both of you need to change.
He wants you to change.
You, however, are recovering post-birth, looking after a newborn, and are feeling pressured to orgasm (which is the way to ensure you can't orgasm!!).
He needs to change his expectations, help you relax, and get over himself.
"Affecting his mental health". Pathetic. That just means guilt trip.

Sugarandspice123 · 04/10/2016 07:26

Thanks everyone, it's my first so wasn't sure what I should be feeling at this point. Trust me he's an amazing DH but I just don't think he was expecting this, we've always had such a loving intimate relationship. He has bonded with DS but I don't want him to feel pushed out. And he hasn't got any friends to give him advice or experience. I'm fine, it was my choice to DTD because I want to start feeling normal again. Did anyone else find it painful getting back on the horse?

OP posts:

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/10/2016 07:27

Omg I missed the fact you'd had a section

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Only1scoop · 04/10/2016 07:28

'Clingy and overly affectionate ATM which is lovely'....is it?
I'd say he's jealous and trying to guilt trip you into a more grateful performance....

MsStricty · 04/10/2016 07:31

"this is coming from a place of love on the side of DH as he sees making me orgasm a way of showing his love"

How about you look at it not like this, OP, but as if your DH needs the reassurance of your orgasm to bolster his own lack of self esteem. So your orgasm is less about you and more about him. So much so that his mental health is dependent on it.

Your DH needs to take responsibility for himself and his wellbeing, and give you the time, space and support to recover from a traumatic birth and to adjust to a huge life change.

Your orgasm is a big red herring and his behaviour is codependently coercive.

Fairylea · 04/10/2016 07:32

I think it's complete normal to find it painful after a vaginal or c section birth (having a c section also changes the lubrication of the vagina contrary to what many believe). A c section is major surgery - to put it into context would you be pestering dh for sex 8 weeks after he'd had stomach surgery!?

My first dh was like this and we lasted 6 months post having dd before I got fed up and left him. Everything was about him.

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