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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DHs on Holiday

199 replies

SennyP · 18/05/2016 16:40

My DH and his (male) friend used to go on "lads" holidays when they were younger. This year, they are discussing doing it again. I am absolutely fine with this .. me and DH will still have our holiday, we can afford it, and we have no kids that he would be leaving me with. I trust him and want him to be happy.

But the wife of DHs friend is absolutely against the idea. They also don't have kids, can afford it, and they are also going on their own holiday, but for some reason she is dead against the idea of him going on a holiday with anyone but her. She doesn't understand that two lads on a holiday will have different times/experiences than a couple.

Basically, now I am looking like the bad person, because of course DHs friend is telling his wife how reasonable I am, and how I don't mind, and she is starting to make remarks about how there is more to the story. There really isn't. To me it's just part of being in a relationship.

Can anyone give advice on how I should manage this, without ending up being the baddie when I'm trying to be the goody!

OP posts:

Report

WellErrr · 18/05/2016 16:42

It's none of your business. Stay out of it.

And I think this is a bit of a stealth boast about what a cool wife you are. Sorry.

fieldfare · 18/05/2016 16:44

Ignore it and let them sort it out between themselves.

Hiddlesnake · 18/05/2016 16:45

I can't see a stealth boast there, but yes, it's none of your business.
If the other bloke wants to use you as a bargaining tool there is nothing you can do. Just stay out of it.

pinkhorse · 18/05/2016 17:04

Personally I think its a bit strange two men wanting to go on holiday together once they are past mid twenties ish.
Aside from that, its nothing to do with you what happens between the friend and his wife. You and the wife have different views, that's all.

Summerwalking16 · 18/05/2016 17:08

It's great to be 'cool girl' as long as you are aware that they will be drinking and women will chat them up and vice versa (unless RSPB bird watching sort of holiday).

allyjay · 18/05/2016 17:11

Where are they going? And is it a particular activity type holiday ie golf? Just trying to get an idea of why she wouldn't be ok with this

magoria · 18/05/2016 17:12

It is shitty of him to be using 'look how good SennyP is being over this' as a reason to dismiss his wife's feelings about this.

Shows something about their relationship don't you think?

Perhaps her remarks about how there is more to this is nothing to do with you but about something in their relationship.

She may have good reasons rather than being a killjoy as to why she doesn't want her H going on a lads holiday.

Back off and leave them to sort it out.

Hydroshield · 18/05/2016 17:14

She doesn't understand that two lads on a holiday will have different times/experiences than a couple.

She probably understands that very well indeed, and it's likely a big part of why she's not too enthusiastic about the idea.
It's ok for her to feel like that, just as it's ok that aren't bothered about it. Her relationship is probably different to yours.

Agree with pp - none of your business and he shouldn't be pulling the 'mate's DW hasn't got a problem with it' line.

Hydroshield · 18/05/2016 17:14

x-post!

TheVillageTaxpayer · 18/05/2016 17:16

She sounds very insecure. I'd stay out of it. If you are approached directly just say "Occasional separate holidays work for us, in our marriage. Your mileage may vary" or something noncommittal, and change the subject.

SandyY2K · 18/05/2016 17:19

Like yourself I have no issue with my husband going on holiday with his friends. I also go on girls weekends on my own too.
We have kids, but we still do so, along with family holidays and holidays as a couple.

Being married doesn't mean you're chained to each other.

Some may say there's more to their situation ... like one has cheated or come close.

You can't do anything about it. Some couples don't like seperate holidays but they need to sort it out without involving you. There is no right or wrong .... it's just what their expectations of each are in their relationship.

It's for them to sort out in their own marriage. Leave them to it.

zznotxy · 18/05/2016 17:20

I don't do this, but I have a friend who does, his wife hates it but tolerates it. She knows they will be pissed by lunchtime, in a girly bar by tea time and throwing up by bedtime - and they are all 50 plus ffs. You have listed the similarities between you and the other couple, but there may be differences. You obviously trust you OH, maybe she doesn't etc. I think some of the slaps at you by PP are unfair, you are not enabling questionable behaviour by OH, just being OK with him going away with his friend. What's wrong with that?

wallybantersjunkbox · 18/05/2016 17:21

I wouldn't get involved. But I'm a bit at the cool wife posts and assumption that all husbands go on holiday to cheat on their partners.

Would the same people be saying cool husband allowing his wife a holiday with girlfriends or would they be saying its a right of a woman to go n holiday as she likes, and adults don't need permission to spend time as they choose.

Pinkheart5915 · 18/05/2016 17:24

I wouldn't get involved. Some women just don't trust the partner and need to chill out a bit IMO.
My dh has been away many times with friends and no problem for me at all, beause I trust my husband.

WomanWithAltitude · 18/05/2016 17:25

she is starting to make remarks about how there is more to the story. There really isn't

How the hell would you know? There may well be more to it in their relationship. He may have cheated in the past, for example.

Just stay out of it. He's being an arse by dragging you into it.

ThatsMyStapler · 18/05/2016 17:25

pinkhorse

Personally I think its a bit strange two men wanting to go on holiday together once they are past mid twenties ish

Why? Women do it and no one bats a eyelid

Pinkheart5915 · 18/05/2016 17:27

Personally I think its a bit strange two men wanting to go on holiday together once they are past mid twenties ish

What? Why can't men past 20 want to go on holiday?

verite · 18/05/2016 17:29

Yes, I don't understand all the "cool wives" references. After my marriage and before i had children i used to go away with my female friends for mini breaks. I still do now post children, although they are now mini "mini breaks". Why is it acceptable for women but not for men?

Ceeceeindubai · 18/05/2016 17:33

I had the same opinion, my DH went to Thailand every year for a "golfing holiday"..... with his best friend. I had no problem, my friends thought I was crazy... we got divorced two weeks ago. Don't let temptation into your marriage. Men are, imho, weak and women can be predators and two men on their own in a bar, drinking, not playing golf (!) can lead to real problems. I NEVER thought my ex dh would cheat, but he had a two year affair and it turns out, whilst he was in Thailand he apparently didn't do anything himself, he helped negotiate with prozzies for his friend and that is bad enough..... just don't go there, I am afraid I am older and wiser now!

Pinkheart5915 · 18/05/2016 17:34

I'm sorry you got divorced but you can't judge all men and marriages based on your own.
Some men are weak but not all.

Summerwalking16 · 18/05/2016 17:36

Another older wiser one here .

AnyFucker · 18/05/2016 17:37

How do you know there isn't "more to it" for her ?

Perhaps she knows something about her own partner that you don't. Perhaps she knows something about your partner that you don't.

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MagicMoonstone · 18/05/2016 18:05

I think a lot depends on where a couple are in their relationship. What has happened during their relationship.

If they've not been together for as long as you, maybe she's still not in that zone yet. Maybe he has previous for cheating. Maybe she has previous for cheating.

You can't really compare your marriage to theirs. It doesn't work that way

ismellSwell · 18/05/2016 18:11

It's great to be 'cool girl' as long as you are aware that they will be drinking and women will chat them up and vice versa

At the risk of sounding very uncool lets face it, it's probably one of the main perks of the holiday.
Why else would a man of that age want to go away with his mate?
I could understand it if was based around an activity, such as golf or fishing.
But otherwise? Sounds suss to me. The other man's wife doesn't sound as naive as the OP.

ismellSwell · 18/05/2016 18:17

I have a friend who does, his wife hates it but tolerates it.
She knows they will be pissed by lunchtime, in a girly bar by tea time and throwing up by bedtime - and they are all 50 plus ffs.

I expect some women are OK with their husbands playing around. I work with a group of men who go away together at least twice a year.
Trust me, the story their wives get told and what really goes on at these 'trips' are two different things.

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