Happily single and no threat to your man so why do you fear me?

[notrocketscience]

Reading another poster on the difficulties of a single woman mixing with men through mutual interests; rambling, sport, photography, studying, evening classes...
It got me wondering, and I've suffered from this most of my life as my interests do not include spas and shopping or TV soaps. I like men and have had serious relationships but I also like them as friends. I'm currently a very happy single mother and with no intention of starting another relationship. I'm not a cheater and will not encourage any taken man. Yet other women do see me as a threat and it hurts because I'm really not and it does impact on my very limited social life. Is being a single woman such a bad thing that everyone automatically thinks I must be hanging out for the first man to offer me a quick one? (And don't get me started on the number of mm friends of the Ex who thought exactly that).

[TheStoic]

That is unfortunate.

How do you know these women see you as a threat?

[DCITennison]

I would think the idea of a single woman being generally seen as a threat by women in relationships is just as much a mythical construct as the idea that women generally like spas and TV soaps.

[DCITennison]

Btw, I'm long-term single, mid 30s, attractive and sociable.
I've never felt edged out by coupled-up friends, or that I'm perceived as a threat. Honestly, not once.

[RainbowFlutterby]

Experience - an awful lot of single women hit on my DP, even though they know he's not single.

[Branleuse]

i dont see single women as a threat. I do however feel slightly weird about women who all their friends are guys

[InTheBox]

I agree with DCITennison.

It really isn't your job to fix the insecurities of women who feel their husbands might stray if said husband is an acquaintance of yours. If it's the husband relaying that information to you then don't give in to the ego stroke and if it's women saying this to you ask them why they don't trust their husbands/men to be faithful.

Honestly, don't be drawn into other peoples drama. They'll always talk whatever you do so enjoy yourself.

[Pagwatch]

I don't see you as a threat. One of DHs best friends is a young single woman.

I'm not sure therefore that your premis is correct. Perhaps women don't warm to you because you seem a little contemptuous of women.

The 'I just don't like spas and shopping or TV soaps' stuff is really grim. If you reduce all the women you know down to three banal activities and treat them as essentially what female company consists of, I wouldn't like you much either.

[Jackie0]

I agree with pagwatch.
I think the vibes women are picking up is that you don't like them much.
I guarantee they aren't pondering you and your motives as much as you think, people are generally wrapped up in their own thoughts and wondered how others are percieving them.

[Jan45]

The women who see you as a threat will be insecure in their relationships. I don't really know why you are worrying about it unless you are indeed giving off vibes that men are more important than women, I also don't like your analysis that we all watch soaps!

[GraysAnalogy]

Well since you think all women seem to only like "spas and shopping or TV soaps"

Most of my mates were lads, but it wasn't a big bloody issue. You get women who make a big deal about 'oh all my friends are men, me and other women just don't get on i'm just different' as though it makes them some special snowflake.

Trust me, no-one gives a toss if you're a single woman.

[Ouchbloodyouch]

I don't enjoy soaps spas and blah de blah
Im quite hot too. I have a boyfriend but in the main have been a happy single longer than I have been in relationships.
I've never come across this 'fear'

[Ouchbloodyouch]

Though I do agree that when you are single there are times that you are not invited to social gatherings 'because its just couples'
I've never understood that. I have had that happen to me in the past but its definitely not out of fear that I am about to seduce a male in the party

[MythicalKings]

I think they don't see you so much as a threat as a snotty cow who makes assumptions about them. Soaps and spas, really?

[Doodlebug300]

I think this is all in your head. Women and men like a variety of things and I've never seen a problem with both genders mixing for any activity.

The thread you are referring to was about a man with a history of cheating going away on a camping holiday with one woman, whom he has been texting non stop for weeks (and possibly her friend, but that wasn't certain). Totally different scenario.

The fact you think you don't get on with women because they like 'spas and shopping and tv soaps' is a fairly awful generalisation though.

[LiverMummy25]

It's just jealousy, most my friends are guys because i like their banter and hate the bitchiness of some women. I like girly things but i also like a mans sense of humour. My oh met my friends and he also has female friends. Take no notice of nasty comments. Be yourself

[mrsatkinson]

They probably dont see you as a threat. My hubby is a very good looking guy and girls have tried it on qoth him right in front of me before now. Its not a threat because I know nothig will happen.
I also for the record hate tv soaps, would rather shop online and have only ever been to a spa when forced to on my hen do.
It's your attitude towards the women that probably put them off you as pp's have said, generalising and presuming you know them and presuming they see you as a threat.

Also for the record I am a good looking young woman (without sounding arrogant-im no super model!) and have male friends as I do female friends. nobody to my knowledge has ever seen me as a threat because I make the effort with both the men and women.

[SusanMichelson]

I don't know if this is really common or not - but as a simgle woman I do perceive a sense of awkwardness if I am talking with a bloke and his wife isn't there/sees us talking.

It might all be in my head. Next door's husband is not very good at DIY (I've been told this by her family) and I came home the other week to find him struggling to fix the hinges on the front door.

I made a polite comment and he told me what he was trying to do and I said I had the right tools, and offered to help - I think he was happy to accept, so I got working on it and then his wife came back from somewhere (I had assumed she was in the house) and seemed a bit shocked to find me helping with the door.

I was really embarrassed. The thing is perhaps it did overstep a boundary in that it's a couple thing to sort out, I get that, but he was clearly having trouble and panicking a bit.

It didn't occur to me not to help, or whatever - it's something I'm good at and have loads of tools and so on hanging around.

Just the thought that she might think I was stepping on her toes or after her husband makes me blush as for one thing I'm not after a bloke, secondly I really really don't fancy her husband, and thirdly I really like her very much and there's no way on earth I would try and - well, whatever it might have seemed like I was doing.

I am lonely as a simgle parent and I like to chat with men or women but that is where it stops. It makes me even sadder and lonelier to think I'm counted as a threat but I can see how people might automatically think, 'she's available, she's good with a drill, maybe he might fancy her' - but as if that was all there was to a marriage? It doesn't compare to what they have built up over the years.

Also I think when you're married too there is seen to be an official boundary set in stone between you and their husband.

When you're not, the obvious boundary is missing, so people sometimes think they need to establish one, in case you are a threat.

It doesn't offend me. It's just a bit sad.

[SusanMichelson]

Sorry clearly cannot type today. I know it's supposed to be single. My keyboard and hands appear to disagree

[HolgerDanske]

LOL at the great concern at being perceived as a threat..

I reckon others are correct, it's your attitude that's annoying and ridiculous by turns and that's why women don't warm to you. That and the fact that in my experience the vast, vast majority of women who only want to hang out with men (Usually taken ones, incidentally!) and convey the same disparaging and contemptuous opinion toward women as a whole, generally turn out to be very insecure in themselves and actually perfectly aware that the men in the group probably do find them and their 'cool girl(friend)/man's woman' persona quite attractive. Never mind the fact that the naive 'I don't understand why women find me such a threat' act is just so disengenuous as to be utterly insufferable.

[PushingThru]

You sound dismissive of women, hold stereotypes about our interests & come across as a bit of a misogynist. Are you elbowing out women in group situations because you don't find them interesting maybe? I wouldn't warm to it at all & I'm a lesbian with no fears about you 'stealing' my partner.

[Rockytoptennessee]

How do you know that they see you as a threat? As others have said, it might be your attitude towards other women that they are picking up on.

My DP has an old female friend (more of an acquaintance really nowadays, they used to be part of the same friendship group, but he's not that keen on her and hasnt kept in touch). The first time I met her was at a party. She hadn't seen a lot of her old friends at the party (including my DP) for several years and she hadn't been introduced to me properly, so didn't know that DP and I were in a relationship.

Anyway, I was chatting away to one of my DP's male friends (let's call him John) when she came over and sat with us. She was talking to John, more or less ignoring me (he was one of her friends from way back, so I wasn't really bothered about being ignored), when she turned to me and announced that she wasn't a 'woman's woman', that most of her friends were male, and that I wasn't to worry or be threatened by her talking to John (she had assumed that John was my DP), reassuring me that she wasn't 'after him'.

I found it really funny, she obviously thought that she was so drop dead gorgeous (she wasn't), that all women must hate her for her looks and charm, and be threatened by her talking to their men.

And no all women don't like (or only like) shopping and spas!

[LiverMummy25]

I don't agree that the OP has a bad attitude but i do think it's sad some women find the need to say they aren't a threat. My ohs ex said this to me and i belted her one. If a women says out loud she isn't a threat in my eyes she intends on being one why else would she say it? However the OP is just saying this to us and hasn't necessarily said to any of the mens wives/gfs and jealousy amongst women happens i get it a lot. Having male friends isn't automatically a sign of insecurity i'm certainly not insecure with my looks but i do feel more comfortable around some men than with some women. I have female friends just more male friends.

[DCITennison]

You "belted her one"?
How very bizarre.

[Wristy]

The answer to your question is I don't fear you. Single or not is irrelevant. Your attitude however is not.

I despise shopping and soaps, spas, well the chance would be a fine thing, but my attitude is these likes/dislikes don't necessarily mean I can't chat to and enjoy the company of people who don't. It's a really narrow-minded view you have.

[CheersMedea]

I would think the idea of a single woman being generally seen as a threat by women in relationships

I'm not sure I agree with this. "Threat" may be the wrong word but there is a massive social construct that prejudices older single women. I married late-ish in the scheme of things and I felt it. It made me most sad in the context of meeting me in a professional context. I work in a male dominated world and met plenty of really top class men who I would have valued a friendship with (I don't mean men I fancied). But it's just not socially acceptable to develop new friendships with men in relationships. I remember thinking (before I got married ) on numerous occasions "oh I were married I could invite him and his wife round for dinner" - but if you are single, while you can still do that, invitations are rarely reciprocated.

I suspect that I've become one of the women I used to condemn - because DH and I now socialise in that way.

The thread OP references is a good example. There are plenty of women commenting on that thread along the lines of "I won't let my husband do xyz".

For those who are married or in de facto long term relationships - ask yourselves these questions:

1. How many new good single female friends have you made since you got married? Or is your friendship group basically couples (including new friends couples) and single women who (a) you new before or (b) have since got divorce?
2. When you have people round for dinner or go out as a couple, how many times in the last year have you done that in total and within that how many times have you asked a single woman?
3. How many "new" single female friends has your husband/partner made since you got married/were established as a couple?
4. How would you feel if your DH/partner told you about a new female friend he'd made who he really liked, had an interest in common with but said there was genuinely no sexual attraction with? Would you take it at face value or be suspicious?
5. How many times have you been on holiday with other couples and invited a single woman friend to come with you?
6. Have you ever been friends with a couple who got divorced and then either stayed friends with the man or let the female friendship drift?

I'm guilty of a lot of this stuff now but am probably more aware of it than most as for many years before I got married, this was my life and it made me really sad. Despite my 100% best efforts, I lost what I thought were close female friends because they basically started socialising in couple and when they had children it got worse. I'm not sure that it is about "threats" (although in many cases it may be); it's more that there is this perception that its inappropriate (not quite the right word maybe there?) to bring a single female into couples social grouping.