lies lies lies

[gutted1]

hi, Ive just stumbled across this site as I'm frantically searching for answers.
A bit of background - my husband and I have been togeteher for close to 20 years and married for 4 of these. We have 2 children, 1 together and 1 from my previous relationship. We are both 38.

Over the years I have always had an uneasy feeling that my husband hasnt always been true to me. He works for a large organisation in the city which often involves entertaining evenings and often trips away - dubai, las vegas, san francisco, amsterdam to name just a few. I never accomapny him on these trips.

About 6 years ago I came across a bank statement which showed he had spent just under £1000 in a lap dancing club. I was gutted. I did confront him and immediately got berated for 'looking through his stuff'. He said he was drunk and nothing had happened and that he had been 'conned'.
We got through this and decided to truely commit and get get married after so long together.
I'm not sure if things got better or if I was just ignorant to it!
Over the years there have been several nights out in which my husband would not return home until the next day or very late. He would get very drunk, to the point that on occasions he has passed out, fallen asllep on trains, come come with black eyes, cuts to head, lost phones/laptops etc. He will never tell me where he has been or what he has been doing. He keeps his finances seperate and I have no idea of what he spends and where. I have found out that he has continued to visit strip clubs and spend alot of money there. I dread to think what the money can buy him.
It came to heads just before christmas last year when he failed to return home after a night out. I had to lie to our son in the morning that he had stayed at a friends when I had no idea where he was and if we was even ok. When I returned from work that eveing he was home, he had cuts to his head and bruising. He said he fell asleep at the station and fell over. Again, I was gutted and just didnt know what to believe. He said he couldnt continue like this and that the drink would kill him or ruin our marraige - its true it is! He said that he jst couldnt go out any more.
Things had got better, he had gone out very rarely and not got in this state but things have still not been great between us.

We are very rarely intimate - im not sure if this is my doing or his or down to how i feel about everything. Since having our son our sex life has been a little awkward as we rarely get any privacy. I find this hard as I feel uncomfortable if our son is awake and in the room next to us. I also suffer terribly with cystitis and seem to have constant thrush. Any sexual contact results in this. This is a horrible situation for me as I have needs too, it isnt that I dont want to be with my husband, I do. I feel Im letting him down in that sense but then it does take two. Over the last 8 months on the rare occasions that we have been intimate, the way he wants to do this is different. This makes me paranoid that he has done these things with other women. I have suspected he has been unfaithful but didnt want to believe it. I fear that he has had sexual contact with strippers, random girls he has met or even prostitutes.
He has recently been to amsterdam on buisness and he lied about only going out for the work dinner as I have found reciepts showing otherwise. I feel dreadful for looking for such evidence but I just have had the most awful feeling.

It was this eveing that I discovered a card in his bag for a sexual health clinic showing that he has been tested for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, HIV and syphillis. This has made all my most dreaded fears become reality. There would be no need to be tested for these things unless he had had sexual contact with someone. I am devestated.

Im not sure what Im hoping for by posting this on here. He is away this weekend. I have kept the card. I know that he will discover it is gone. If I confront him for this I know he will blame me for 'looking through his things'. But to me, this just proves that I wasnt the one going crazy, my fears and thoughts have been valid. Im not sure what else to say right now. apart from gutted. :(

[tartyflette]

OP, that sounds appalling for you and you have my utmost sympathy but the first thing you should do is get your own health checked out at a SH clinic.
And perhaps your recurrent bouts of cystitis and thrush are not unconnected with his behaviour.
He has put you at risk of awful diseases and of course you are going to have to deal with this, confronting him is the right thing to do. None of this is your fault.

[WellWhoKnew]

We all believe we're marrying good 'uns.

Because we assume we are marrying our likeness.

It's horrific when you learn you married a bad 'un.

But he's the bad 'un.

Get out of your marriage as fast as you can. You've done nothing wrong. Your divorce is not your failing.

Married for 15 years. Surviving.

Never ever sexploited another person. Feel very sexploited. Glad I can look myself in the mirror and say 'his choice, his deception, my trust was exploited'.

And yes, I had cystitis and thrush for 15 years. Sometimes the body is a clever thing. The mind not so much.

There was NOTHING you could have done differently. He just exploited your good nature.

Take care.

[RedCheckedTablecloth]

Gutted

What do you want to do?

[Rinkydinkypink]

I had a 'bad UN' once. Never knew it but always got thrush after sex and had cystitis a lot!

I'm sorry this is happening to you. He's going to drag you down if you don't get out. This really is a LTB situation.

[gutted1]

I just don't know. It's not that easy when you have children, a home, commitments. I'm scared. Im scared of failing, I'm scared of letting my children down, I'm scared of feeling like this forever. The impact is massive, for everyone.

[maras2]

I so agree with tartyflette Please get a sexual health check.Your husband sounds awfull,a very bad man.Look out for yourself and your children and if you can afford it please see a solicitor with a view to leaving him.Maybe contact ' Women's Aid ' for advice.Best of luck love. Mx.

[Rinkydinkypink]

You haven't done anything wrong op. It's your dh that's behaviour is out of control. I know its terrifying but try to see it this way.

By staying put your actually accepting this behaviour. Your telling your children that for your dh to act in this way is ok. He is setting them the example. Your going to feel awful! Every time he goes out or away on work your going to know what he's doing. This is going to drag you down. It's likely to make you I'll.

Your children seeing their dad beaten up, hungover and being disrespectful to their mum is bad news. Kids aren't stupid, they pick up on stress and in happiness and it affects them as children and as adults.

Your dh is out of control. He's depending the family money on disrespecting you and your dc. You can't change him or rescue him but you can salvage your life. Their are many lovely men out there who would treat you well.

[Rinkydinkypink]

unhappiness spending

[WellWhoKnew]

It is REALLY hard. No one is underestimating this. It is so hard. But it's easier than staying.

Because it's so tough right now. But that's just now. Better an optimistic future, than a predictable one.

The impact is phenomenal. But that's the early days. The long term is not so bad.

[RedCheckedTablecloth]

Gutted

Do you love him?

[LaurieFairyCake]

It sounds like you're saying your husband is having sex with other women and constantly reinfecting you?

That is absolutely the worst thing ever.

[gutted1]

I know you're right. I just feel so weak, so pathetic. Everyone thinks I'm a strong confident person and I put on a real bravado at work (I teach) but I'm not. I just feel very alone.
I know this has to come to a head and I don't want to spend my life with someone I cannot trust. I know the right thing to do Im just not sure how I'm going to do it.
Reading all your responses has made it real for me that he has done wrong and this is not normal behaviour. He has an incredible ability to make me feel I'm over reacting and that I have a good life and I don't know how lucky I am. He has actually made me feel like im going crazy! Thank you for taking the time to respond. Just getting it out is a real help x

[gutted1]

And yes I do love him. He's my husband and father of my children. We chose to spend our life together and that's what I thought would happen. That's why it hurts so bad :(

[CoffeeBeanie]

I would LTB because I would never trust him again.

What a nasty man. Please get checked out OP, complete check up.

[RedCheckedTablecloth]

Does he love you?

[CoffeeBeanie]

Red, isn't it obvious that he doesn't? He has zero respect for OP.

[RedCheckedTablecloth]

I was asking Gutted that question.

[gutted1]

I don't know, he says he does and he obviously doesn't want me to find out about this as I have asked him outright and he has denied any wrongdoing so I feel that if he doesn't want us to be together then he has had the opportunity for us to part. But if he did, why would he disrespect me like this?

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

Gutted, look up gaslighting.

[RedCheckedTablecloth]

Gutted

Talk low, talk slow and do not say too much. Listen and keep your friends close. Keep your dignity.

Wait until you know where you want to go and what you want to do.

You may stay or leave/he may leave.

This will be the hardest part.

After that the truth will come out one way or another or you may never get closure.

If the trust has gone then maybe the love has gone too.

[gutted1]

Says it to a t... :(

[CoffeeBeanie]

He paid for sex, put you at risk, he may have got a disease, didn't care about infecting you.
Of course he didn't want you to find out about it, because it's despicable behaviour.

OP, he is gaslighting you. Please look after your health. Both physical and mental health. Get RL help. Have you got anyone to talk to?

[wallypops]

I have never understood this - to cheat is unforgiveable, it is a betrayal of trust from where this is no return, but to cheat without using any protection is a just a total fuck you.
Gutted I am so sorry about this. You don't actually need to do any confronting if you dont want to. Get your ducks in a row, copy all paperwork - bank statements, pension, mortgage etc that you can find. Put passports, marriage certificate, birth certificates in a safe place.
See a lawyer ASAP, because then when he threatens you with not paying child support, or you not having the children, you will know his bullshit is bullshit.
Start saving some money if possible.
Assume the worst behaviour imaginable from him. He will blame you, plead with you, promise change etc. There is a script that most of them follow. (Do a search for script).
I am divorced, and I thought I'd be shamed by telling people, but you know what, practically no-one cares about that label but you.
This is not your failure. You can tell anyone you want, that your husband sleeps with prostitutes and has unprotected sex etc and all the rest of the things that will come out. Don't make it your shame, because it isn't.

[MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir]

Gutted, this link may be useful to you. So sorry to hear of your discovery, lots of us have been there one way or another. Stay with us for support.

www.mumsnet.com/divorce-and-separation

[gutted1]

Thank you for link.
Not feeling much better today. My husband is away this weekend so I have some space and time. I keep bursting into tears although desperately trying to hide this from my son (12). My daughter is 20 and at work so not aware.
Right now I don't know what my next move is. I Have kept the card with the details on so at some point he will realise it is missing. I'm thinking of asking him outright if he still wants to be with me, if he still loves me and tell him I have an awful feeling that he has been unfaithful. I want to give him the chance to try and redeem something. Maybe if he admits it and shows remorse things might be able to be rectified. If he is not then he will have an awful panic when he finds he cannot call for his results as the card is gone (that's if it's recent).
Does this sound like a good move?