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Is he "just not that into me".

(576 Posts)
jessmay Thu 01-Jan-15 18:41:44

I'm 35 and so is he. We met online and he was the one chasing me. From the very beginning he was always quite hard to pin down. He leaves for work at 6am and usually doesn't get home until 11pm. He has a mad, city job.

We have conflicting schedules, and we both travel a lot for work too. At first I was not that fussed that I didn't see him every day or that he didn't call as much as previous BFs have but now I am starting to fall in love with him it's beginning to bother me.

I'm not sure if I am being needy or if he's "just not that into me".

He texts me every day, but doesn't call every day. He does spend every day he has off with me, but doesn't call really ever in between. When one of us is travelling, he doesn't Skype or call really at all.

Last night was new year and we're apart with our respective families. He did invite me to spend it with him, but I wasn't able to as I had previous plans.

He texted me in the evening to say he missed me, and sent some photos throughout the night. He didn't call me, which I found odd on new years eve. He did text again just after midnight to wish me happy new year and to say he loved and missed me. So I decided not to be a fanny and texted him at 12.30am to say I just wanted to hear his voice.

He called around 3am and spoke to me for two minutes and told me he had hardly any battery and he was off all day today and would call me for a long chat.

It's 18.39 and he's texted good morning and that's about it. I can see he's on whatsapp and facebook putting up photos and things and I just can;t help but feel it's a bit odd that he isn't wanting to ring me.

Is it me being silly, are some people just rubbish on the phone / texts or do you think I am investing my heart into a man who just doesn't like me that much?

If I ask him, he just say he is a bad communicator, he works mental hours and is always racing around to get stuff done and he gets quite annoyed that I don't see that.

I just feel rejected and can't help feeling rejected. I don't know what to do! It keeps putting me on a downer.

queenofthepirates Thu 01-Jan-15 18:46:09

Ooh I think you're being a little bit needy. He does sound into you but I think you need to stop reading hidden messages into what he's doing or not doing.

Justwanttomoveon Thu 01-Jan-15 18:48:52

You do seem a bit needy, give him a bit of space and fill your life up in other ways, once you have more going on it will seem like less of a problem.

WipsGlitter Thu 01-Jan-15 18:49:01


How long have you been dating?

It sounds like you are both struggling to make time and space for each other.

jessmay Thu 01-Jan-15 18:49:25

Really? We've been apart for 9 days and he's only called once for two minutes. I just can't help thinking he should be a bit more keen to talk to me. He says it's just his way and he's always with people or doing something. I really like him and don't want to be needy or paranoid if there's no need but at the same time don't want to be one of those people dating someone who doesn't like me enough.

Cantbelievethisishappening Thu 01-Jan-15 18:49:25

Bloody hell hmm
You sound like hard work

Step away from the phone and go and find something else to do

GotToBeInItToWinIt Thu 01-Jan-15 18:49:50

I absolutely hate speaking to people on the phone. Even my DH. It sounds like he's got a busy job/life and is giving you all the time he has available if he sees you on every day off he has. He invited you to spend NYE with him, what more do you want? smile. Unfortunately you do come across as sounding 'needy' in this post as I can't see anything at all that's screaming 'he's not that into you'.

lotsofcheese Thu 01-Jan-15 18:50:10

I'd be seriously considering whether you want a relationship with ANY man who works such ridiculous hours. It doesn't sound like he has much/any time for investing into a relationship. Would you be happy with that kind of life?

WipsGlitter Thu 01-Jan-15 18:50:14

Also the texting the whatsapping the face booking - nightmare. I'm so glad the technology didn't exist when I was dating!!

Justwanttomoveon Thu 01-Jan-15 18:51:15

Sorry, didn't mean to sound like you had no life - clearly you have - just mean stop obsessing about what things mean and just enjoy your time together, he does sound like he likes you.

jessmay Thu 01-Jan-15 18:51:54

We've been dating six months, but the first three I was completely not into him at all and he had to push for each date. I told him we could have a fling or something, but he grew on me.

He is very attentive, affectionate, loving and everything great when we are together but when we are apart (which is the vast majority of the time) he just texts really and I feel like we're not intimate. He doesn't tell me what he's doing or ask what I am doing. It's nothing like previous relationships where we "checked in" every day.

bigTillyMint Thu 01-Jan-15 18:52:29

Well it sounds to me like you are not best suited. He clearly works long hours and you want more of his time which he is not able/prepared to give.

If he isn't calling, but texting, could that be because he can't in front of others?

MatildaTheRedNosedReinCat Thu 01-Jan-15 18:53:01

But he asked you to spend NYEvwith him but you were busy? Maybe he's hurt about that? It sounds a bit odd that you passed up that opportunity when you have so little time together.

Maybe neither of you is prioritising this relationship? Time for a serious talk. In person.

Justwanttomoveon Thu 01-Jan-15 18:53:32

Maybe he likes the chase.

jessmay Thu 01-Jan-15 18:53:58

Don't worry about being hard on me! If I am being needy I'd rather know because I don't want to lose someone I am in love with over me being an idiot.

I know some people are better than others and he says he is bad and non-face to face communication.

His working hours are awful. I did tell him that if he wants something permanent he has to change his lifestyle because I can't have kids etc. with someone who is never there. He says it's temporary.....

MatildaTheRedNosedReinCat Thu 01-Jan-15 18:54:47

Just read your update. You scarcely know one another. Either get to know one another or move on.

But be warned, men who work like that do not change.

WannaBe Thu 01-Jan-15 18:57:04

no texts, no calls for nine days and people say that op is needy? hmm and when he does call it's for two minutes to say he has no battery [hmm[ and will call today and then doesn't?

Op I would say this little contact with this many excuses would start to ring alarm bells for me as to whether he is actually married or in a relationship.

WipsGlitter Thu 01-Jan-15 18:57:32

Six months is very early days. How often do you see each other? It sounds like a bit of a half relationship. Also for him when you're out of sight you're out of mind!

jessmay Thu 01-Jan-15 19:01:12

Sorry wannabe, he texts every day. Just never calls or skypes. I have been apart from BFs before at the start of a relationship and they would have walked over hot coals for five minutes. I know he's not married or in a relationship, I have met his friends and family and he posts photos of he and I together in Instagram and Facebook.

On Christmas Eve for example he texted me loads to say he was thinking about me and could we talk on the phone, but then never actually called. I just find that a bit off. I mentioned it and he said he'd had to find time to go and buy all his Christmas presents, wrap them and pack to go to his parents and he was running around like a headless chicken.

But not five minutes to call me?


When he is with me, he's soooooo lovely. He's not a player either, he's overweight and cute and cuddly. Just so you don't get an impression of him as some slick womaniser!

bigTillyMint Thu 01-Jan-15 19:03:29

Why don't you just call him?

jessmay Thu 01-Jan-15 19:03:57

His work is on and off. When he has had periods of calm he does spend them with me so we have had holidays together and proper time alone. He also stays at my place every night when we are both in London. But that often entails him coming in when I am already asleep and leaving before I wake up. He always kisses me, pulls the covers over and quite often leaves little love notes and sweet gesture for me like taking out my bins. He's like the perfect boyfriend who goes a bit cold when he's away from me!

jessmay Thu 01-Jan-15 19:04:49

why don't you just call him?"

I don't want to pester him. If I've texted saying I want to hear his voice, he should

frenchielove Thu 01-Jan-15 19:04:56

I think it sounds like hes into you inviting you out etc. Some people just prefer to text.

Hurr1cane Thu 01-Jan-15 19:05:26

I don't think DP has ever called me ever, he also doesn't spend all his days off with me. I've called him but never just 'to chat' only when I've needed to ask something urgently.

If we spoke like that every day we would run out of things to say on our days together.

I think that he is into you and you are needy

flightywoman Thu 01-Jan-15 19:06:39

How often do you call him? Why does he have to do all the calling?

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