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Is my boyfriend emotionally abusive or not in love?

(160 Posts)
notsureifitsme Sun 28-Dec-14 21:06:32

I've just had to fix myself a stiff drink - I've been crying for about 30 minutes.

I feel convinced that I make my boyfriend angry, upset and that its something I do that makes him treat me the way he does.

On the one hand, I've never felt this loved before (when its good) but on the other, I don't think I've cried this much in my life.

I've always been very strong willed, would always stand up for myself and make it known when I'm not happy with someone. And I still do this to a point with my boyfriend, but he's just so over powering and aggressive vocally that I can't compete.

Typical example of a week in our lives - I'm happy, upbeat, being nice. He'll suddenly be in a mood and not want to see me, he has depression (but won't seek help or diagnosis) so my normal reaction of 'well thats shit, why?' is replaced by 'ok, hope you feel better' because I don't want to rock the boat.

Next day he'll get shirty with me or get annoyed with something I'm saying or doing and I'll simply say 'please don't talk to me like that' and he'll lose his mind with anger and start saying horrible things and again being so verbally aggressive and swearing, then will ignore me.

The whole time I don't understand what I've done to warrant such a reaction.

He says he wants to talk about us sometimes (issues and whatnot) but he can't because of the way I behave, that I'm argumentative. I'm not at all though? I don't talk in a delicate way or anything but I certainly don't yell or have an attitude.

The pattern seems to be - I start off not knowing what the problem is, then the problem turns out to be completely my fault, and then I come round to thinking its my fault and chase him to resolve it, and I get rejected.

The rational part of my brain says, you're wonderful and loving and extremely patient, it is him. But then the other part says well he can't be imagining it can he? Must be doing something to tick him off.

Feel like I'm going mad.


HansieLove Sun 28-Dec-14 21:11:38

I think he wants you to cater to him. If he is down, you should be very caring to him, blah, blah, blah. But if you don't, then he's going to sulk and be mad.

Sure hope you are not living together. Ditch him and be free.

FabULouse Sun 28-Dec-14 21:13:28

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

dorasee Sun 28-Dec-14 21:14:08

He's a passive-aggressive. Run Forrest, run!!

GoldfishCrackers Sun 28-Dec-14 21:19:24


scarletforya Sun 28-Dec-14 21:20:33

Sounds aggressive-aggressive to me. Definitely abusive.

banburycake Sun 28-Dec-14 21:20:57

He is playing mind games. Run and don't look back. Ever. He is already getting the effect he desires. He will twist everything to make it look like you are the one with the problem. He wants to control you and snake around in your mind.
The love you think you feel for him is how he has played you.
Please please Run.

notsureifitsme Sun 28-Dec-14 21:21:14

No we're not living together, thank god.

I had to go away for work to China for 2 weeks a few months ago and was feeling hormonal etc and was in a shitty hotel - called him upset just wanting to talk out how I was feeling, thought surely that can't piss him off because its not about him - then he got really pissed off saying that I had chosen to go so doesn't understand why I'm now crying about it. God he was horrible, I didn't choose to go, I had to.

He'll cancel plans or disappoint me in some way, and I've noticed he does this when I communicate to him how his behaviour makes me feel. Which is usually done over text because he is rubbish at communicating and talking calmly.

But then our mutual friend says he can see valid points from both sides, and sometimes wants to bang our heads together because we can't communicate. But I can, I've never had issues before, but he refuses to sit down and talk.

Somtimes think maybe he needs a bitch for a girlfriend that will properly put him in his place so he'll respect her? But I do stand up for myself.

Second glass of rhubarb vodka!

notsureifitsme Sun 28-Dec-14 21:23:09

Yes banbury, in my head I think oh my god I love him so much, but then when I'm around him sometimes or he's like this I just think bloody hell this is shit what am I doing?

He drinks a lot too - think he'd prefer booze to be his gf.

juicycelebrity Sun 28-Dec-14 21:23:20

Get out x 1000!

standingonlego Sun 28-Dec-14 21:24:23

Never comment on these normally...but please just walk away from this right now. Waste of time and space, finish this before he bleeds your strength.

MrsPepperMintonCandyCane Sun 28-Dec-14 21:25:17

Have a nice clean break for 2015. Leave him.

AliceInHinterland Sun 28-Dec-14 21:28:20

Okay, so from the title of the thread... Which answer do you prefer? Even if your friend can see both sides and I t's six of one and half a dozen of the other does being in this relationship improve life for either of you?

SanityClause Sun 28-Dec-14 21:29:58

It doesn't matter if he's abusive, or "just" not in love.

If he doesn't make you happy, dump him.

notsureifitsme Sun 28-Dec-14 21:31:26

Not really expecting an answer, just wanted to see what people thought.

Has anyone else had a relationship like this?

Thank you all for your comments by the way xx

tribpot Sun 28-Dec-14 21:33:32

His strategy's working, isn't it? Here you are obsessing about him, what makes him tick, how you can try harder, how you can minimise your personality in the hope of not offending him.

He's got 'undiagnosed depression', has he? So you can't call him on being a wanker. Was the China thing an example of a rare time when you have needed support from him? And he managed to turn it around to be your failing and you being unreasonable in even wanting his support.

The answer to the question in your thread title is 'both'.

Hulaflame Sun 28-Dec-14 21:37:04

Google "narcissism" or "NPD" - might prove enlightening, then run for the hills with your sanity intact! Good luck OP

MyFirstName Sun 28-Dec-14 21:37:16

Abusive. You deserve someone better than this so walk away.

NickiFury Sun 28-Dec-14 21:40:12

"We can't communicate". Really? You're making yourself quite clear here.

Listen carefully. Some people like to argue all the time. They're used to those negative emotions so will wilfully misunderstand those who love them in order to get the argument they want so they dump their negative emotions on them. They do it to those who love them because they will take it. He wants to misunderstand you because it means he can treat you like shit, which is what he likes to do. Don't try to understand, it's pointless.

He's not depressed, he's an abusive twat.

NightOfTheCactus Sun 28-Dec-14 21:41:02

As I started reading your post I wondered whether you were my ExH's new partner! (the only thing different is that my ExH doesn't drink). In my experience, relationships like this don't improve. They get worse - at the expense of your sanity and self esteem. It sounds utterly hideous.

pictish Sun 28-Dec-14 21:43:31

He's not depressed love, he's a cunt.
What you're describing is textbook emotional abuse.

notsureifitsme Sun 28-Dec-14 21:45:02

Tribpot, yes that makes sense, thank you, makes me feel less crazy reading your words. It seems whenever I need him he isn't there.

Hulaflame - I would say some of the points relate to him on narcissism, but he always says he is worthless and is low etc.

Latest issue has been recently at his sisters wedding, I caught the bouquet and was tipsy and laughing with all the girls while all the guys ran to him happily etc, and I went over to him, he snatched the bouquet out of my hand and threw it on the floor while laughing with the guys - you could have heard a pin drop.

He said if I hadn't caught it that wouldn't have happened.

For one split second I felt on top of the world, only to be yanked back down to my reality.

He's just been ringing my doorbell and demanding I open the door.

Not happening.

banburycake Sun 28-Dec-14 21:46:00

I have had a relationship like this minus the drink because in his words 'he doesn't need to be out of control'.
Suffice to say I looked up Sociopath and he ticked every box not just a few. It took me nine months to get away from him.
He pulled my mind in so many directions like he owned my brain. He was slowlying breaking my spirit whilst telling me I was the most beautiful woman he ever had.
I hadn't the strength to run but stumbled blindly.
You DO have the strength.

NickiFury Sun 28-Dec-14 21:46:34

What a vile specimen angry.

Please dump him. There's nothing there for you, nothing.

isitsnowingyet Sun 28-Dec-14 21:46:37

He is screwing with your head. Why would you want to put up with this? sad

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