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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Thinking of leaving DH. What would happen re DD?

52 replies

cardamomginger · 08/03/2014 23:45

Can't be arsed to namechange.

I am thinking of leaving DH. I don't want to talk about my relationship with him right now, although I think I will be posting about it in the next few months.

Right now, I am trying to get my head round the practical side of what would happen if we did split and then divorce. My main priority is DD. She is 3.5 years old, so let's say she'd be around 4 if/when it happens. She won't yet be in school - she is due to start Reception in 2015. There are no issues wrt to DH's parenting, neither are there any concerns regarding mine. We would live in close proximity to one another. I am a SAHM. What's the 'usual' outcome? Would she spend half her time living with DH and half with me?

Can't believe I am actually posting this....

OP posts:

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Mrswellyboot · 08/03/2014 23:48

Didn't want to read and not respond. No advice as not in this position but really wish you the best at a difficult time

cardamomginger · 08/03/2014 23:51

Thanks.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2014 00:06

There's no 'usual' really. The test, if you like, is what's best for the individual child in order to give them stability, security, safety etc. If you live close together and working/school hours permit, then 50/50 shared parenting might work.

cardamomginger · 09/03/2014 00:11

OK. Thanks. I really have no idea about any of this!

OP posts:

Finola1step · 09/03/2014 00:14

Agree with Cog. No way of knowing. If you are a SAHM, would you financially be able to continue or would you need to go back to work?

If there are no concerns wrt his parenting, then it would be reasonable to expect that as a minimum, access once a week night plus every other weekend. Plus shared holidays.

What do you think would be in the best interests of your dd?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2014 00:17

I'd urge you to get legal advice fairly soon.

cardamomginger · 09/03/2014 00:27

I will.

Another thing I am completely in the dark about is how the financial side of things would work out. Including the house.

I need to talk to a lawyer. Fuck.

OP posts:

cardamomginger · 09/03/2014 00:30

I think DD would not be happy with too much time away from me. But she is gaining in her independence and confidence, so I think would be OK with a split approaching 50:50.

I doubt DH would be able to do that though.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/03/2014 00:31

Some solicitors offer a free initial consultation that can be useful. CAB is another source of legal advice. It all sounds pretty daunting and very final but, whether you leave or stay, it's important to know where you stand before the emotional shit hits the fan...

cardamomginger · 09/03/2014 00:35

AGREED!!!! That's why I'm trying to get my head round stuff first and get myself in as good a place as possible before having The Conversation with DH. I'm fortunate that nothing is unbearable, I'm not at risk and neither is DD, and nothing is urgent.

OP posts:

Qix · 09/03/2014 00:40

50 50 is normal. If you want to push for more then as a SAHP you might get it, but is that fair to your DH or best for your DD?

cardamomginger · 09/03/2014 00:50

I doubt DH would be able to achieve 50:50, especially with DD only at nursery part time, because of his work commitments. But that's a practicality to be worked out if/when it gets to that stage.

I've no idea what DD's preferences would be. She is more attached to me, and whilst she isn't that fussed if DH is away for a few days (or longer), she is very much fussed if I am (I have had inpatient hospital stays).

DH's preference would be to have as little actual involvement in the realities of childcare and the time that takes as possible. Although he would want her 'around' all the time. But conversations with DH about what he would or would not want/be able to achieve is something that's a way in the future.

OP posts:

Qix · 09/03/2014 01:08

Your DDs preferences would only be taken onto account once she is 14 or so, not now.

Your DH may choose to change his working hours to accommodate having her more.

cardamomginger · 09/03/2014 01:12

Yeah, he might. Guess I'll find out at some point in the future.

I feel sick .

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 09/03/2014 01:16

Qix the DC's preferences are taken into account very much sooner than that!

Op I think you're very sensible to get things straight in your mind before The Talk. I wish you all the very best

Diagonally · 09/03/2014 08:38

If you live near each other you probably have several options.

For eg my ex has DS two nights a week (one weekday night and every Friday) and picks him up from school on those days. He negotiated a flexible work request to do that.

If you are worried about having the conversation you could use a mediation service - in fact if you use one anyway as part of divorce process, you can discuss and agree arrangements for your DD at the same time.

I really recommend it.

cardamomginger · 09/03/2014 09:14

Thanks. The last thing I want, or have energy for, is things to deteriorate into an irrational slanging match! How old is your DS?

OP posts:

Diagonally · 09/03/2014 09:28

He's 10 now, was 5 when we separated. It took a while to settle into the new routine, but works well for all of us, generally.

Joules68 · 09/03/2014 09:57

Anything could happen.... He might meet someone new with a family, or move miles away

coleslawsarnie · 09/03/2014 10:00

Yes, if his job makes it hard to arrange 50/50 I wouldn't be surprised if a new g/f arrives on the scene quite soon to facilitate that. Men tend not to stay single for long if they have childcaring responsibilities.

Offred · 09/03/2014 10:17

No, 50:50 care is not normal. A court would determine residency based on the welfare checklist in the children act 1989. If you currently share care of her 50:50 then it may be in her best interests to try and make an arrangement like this but if you are her main carer it is likely what would be best is for you to remain so. The court doesn't like changing a child's care unless the child's welfare requires it,

Amicus1966 · 09/03/2014 10:29

God, how depressing is that?
That a new GF will appear soon as EX can't be arsed to look after his own DCs

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Qix · 09/03/2014 10:30

Everything I read before I split up said that childrens' preferences were not taken into account until they were 14 or so.

cls77 · 09/03/2014 10:38

Qix - Court wise the Gillick Competence would be brought in for ops Dd if required, and is done regularly in our courts.
Non court wise - surely knowing what the
Child prefers (and this may change) should always be taken into account by the parents?

I wish you luck and strength Op, you are very wise to be looking into matters now.

cardamomginger · 09/03/2014 11:07

thanks everyone. feeling strange mix of calm and overwhelmed. I think I will find a good lawyer sooner rather than later. so many things I have no idea about - the house, joint assets, stuff in his name only, child support, pensions.

OP posts:

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