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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Anyone else having a miserable valentines day?

163 replies

Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 09:23

I got no gifts which is standard and absolutely fine. But I was also once again rejected sexually last night and so am feeling very glum.

I always feel more connected after we have made love which doesn't happen very often at all anymore, I seem to have my physical needs more and more starved as the years go on which has had a huge affect on my physical appearance and on my mental stability.

So its valentines day and I feel awful. Like half a woman.

OP posts:

Report

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2014 09:31

And you're still with this joyless partner who rejects you and crushes your self-esteem because.... ?

hamptoncourt · 14/02/2014 09:33

Time to do something about it maybe? Life is too short to spend with someone who makes you that unhappy and who rejects you.

If it helps, I am coughing up blood and feel like I am swallowing glass. My cat got a Valentine Card, and then, I kid you not, my CAR got a valentine card.

BeckyS321 · 14/02/2014 09:33

There must be a backstory OP, how long has this been going on, and what does your OH say in rejecting you?

EEatingSoupForLunch · 14/02/2014 09:36

Really sorry you feel so low OP. This may not be the right day to take stock of your relationship but if you think it could be, would you like to tell us more? How has this come about?

Keepithidden · 14/02/2014 09:37

I can relate.

Valentines fills me with dread a bit because it's one of the times of year when I get the offer of pity/duty sex (birthday is the other). DW will see it as a duty to offer, I'll be either grabbing at the chance only to get thoroughly depressed afterwards and feel like a complete bastard for the act itself. Then the following weeks will be a horrible rollercoaster of emotions. Alternatively if I refuse then I risk knocking her self confidence which is v. v low at the best of times. The difficulty is engineering a situation which means neither of us is under any pressure to perform.

Reading that back it sounds so unhealthy.

Anyway, neither of us is alone in being in wierd, unfulfilling uncommunicative relationships.

Half a person too.

Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 09:38

Its always been part of the relationship. We have the kids and we are married. I am not sure that leaving is an option.

He is a great friend and dad. He just isn't my lover and I need to realise that. Is there anything I can take or do that will stop me having sexual urges?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2014 09:40

A 'great friend' would set you free to live a complete life, not keep you trapped in a joyless existence by a gold band and make you feel like shit for having sexual desires.

You have options.

Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 09:41

I can't see any options right now.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2014 09:42

Why not? Are you dependent on him?

Joysmum · 14/02/2014 09:46

Why is leaving not an option? What makes you so different from the millions of families who do split up and then go on to lead even happier lives as a result.

I'm lucky, I'm in a good marriage but most of our friends have divorced and not one of them regret doing so or feel their lives are worse than when they were married.

Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 09:47

He is the father of my children. It would be so selfish of me to leave him. Plus I really don't think I would find anyone else on the planet who would want to be with me.

OP posts:

TinselTownley · 14/02/2014 09:53

Having been single for four weeks now, I'm having the nicest valentine's day in years. I bought a card for each of my children and lots and lots of sweets. My eldest is making dinner later. I am genuinely happy despite the turmoil and chaos.

You could be in a much happier place next year if you end this now.

Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 10:00

I'm glad it's worked out for you tinsel.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2014 10:00

It's not selfish to want to be loved. It's arguably more selfish to expect children to endure the fall-out of a miserable marriage just because you lack the self-confidence to reject it.

Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 10:19

Well we are only miserable when it comes to sex. Other than that we have a harmonious marriage. Which is why it is so hard.

OP posts:

TinselTownley · 14/02/2014 10:24

Then surely it's a matter of talking things through then simply deciding either way? Things haven't 'worked out' for me, I am making things work. If you are settling for something that makes you unhappy, you will never be able to make things work. Any more than you can drive a car without wheels. Even if it's a beautiful car otherwise.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2014 10:26

I'm sorry but, however harmonious your marriage, it's not translating into a harmonious life. You feel awful, you're 'half a woman', you've zero self-esteem, you believe yourself to be repellent and you seemed to be suggesting earlier that you'd like some advice on how to medicate your sex drive away. That's not a life.

scornedwoman67 · 14/02/2014 10:48

Keepithidden - your message made me sad. If you're single you always assume 'coupledom' is bliss for everyone. I am on my own - i divorced years ago and have been unfortunate enough to come across a string of time-wasters and players. Last Oct I met a truly lovely chap ( let's call him 'Van Man' who seemed to have feelings for me too - we had a date set for a couple of weeks down the line and in the mean time a woman at work who he'd fancied for ages announced she'd split up from her husband and he went for it - was honest enough to tell me, but I was gutted. Still am - he lives just round the corner from me and every time I go out I have to drive past his house. Regularly at weekends her car is on the drive. I feel very very too. It feels so unfair. I've been very careful to wait until my kids are older before even considering getting in to a relationship, he seemed perfect. She literally split up from her partner, and went straight in to a relationship with VanMan. Life is shit sometimes.
to all the lovely people here today who aren't having such a good day. x

Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 10:53

keepithidden that is exactly how last night went.

It's not so much that he wasn't in the mood, he then tried to barter about it, like we do with putting the kids to bed or doing the washing up.

Then he said 'well I suppose it's that time of year when you are allowed it'

I turn 30 tomorrow.

OP posts:

Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 10:55

I didn't have sex with him by the way. I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. I want to be married to a man who shares my passion and enjoys having sex and that connection between us.

It's like for him it isn't there.

I need to not have sex with him again. I need to not need to have sex.

OP posts:

TinselTownley · 14/02/2014 10:57

If he said that, Fify, then it is not an otherwise good marriage and he is not the person you like to think he is. That is cruel.

Fifyfomum · 14/02/2014 11:00

I don't think he means to be cruel.

OP posts:

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/02/2014 11:11

Whether he means to be cruel or not, he's being cruel. 'well I suppose it's that time of year when you're allowed it'..... is an appallingly condescending thing to say. And as for you needing not to need sex, that's like saying you need never to feel hungry or thirsty again.

Why suppress who you naturally are to be with someone who has no regard for you whatsoever? And why pretend to yourself that this miserable existence is harmonious?

Jan45 · 14/02/2014 11:12

Well I've just come out a 12 year relationship (as in days ago) and I'm feeling ok considering what day it is today, all I can say is life is too short, if you aren't getting your needs met and that includes physically or emotionally, it's time to move on.

Weliveinabeautifulworld · 14/02/2014 11:15

This evening I want you to dump your kids with DH, and I want you to 100% pamper yourself!

If you are skint then go over to a friends house and drink and watch movies.

If you have money then to out to eat followed by a nice stay in a swish hotel!

Who cares about men! Valentine's day is about love so start loving yourself!!!

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