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Husband wants to leave, my world has ended

(463 Posts)
Despair9 Wed 12-Feb-14 20:23:55

I've never posted before so please bear with me.
I've read some other posts and there seems to be lots of good advice and I didn't know where else to turn.

So 12 days ago my DH tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants to end our marriage. We have been married 10 years, have a DD 9 years old. We both work full time so life is a struggle and we haven't put as much into our marriage as we should, I will admit that. But I am absolutely floored by his announcement, my DD has no idea, to her we're a loving wonderful secure family. I haven't eaten, hardly slept, I don't know how I'm functioning at work. Every time I try to comprehend what he's said to me my head goes into a wild spin and I can't breathe. I've no more tears left inside me. I begged and pleaded with him, then read advice on line which says that's the worse thing to do. I really don't think I can go on.
How can he not even want to try to put things right? He says he won't do counselling, that there is no point as he has no feelings left.
I am so desperate. This never, ever was anything I envisaged happening.
He's told his best friend and then last night tells me he's told his mother. I'm so frightened, but I need to remain strong for our DD.
I just don't think I can cope.

dollius Wed 12-Feb-14 20:26:33

I'm sorry honey, but cherchez la femme

Despair9 Wed 12-Feb-14 20:30:05

Thanks. There isn't another woman. He is a good man and I asked him straight and he told me there wasn't. I completely believe him, and I'm not just being naive.

Only1scoop Wed 12-Feb-14 20:32:56

So sorry op
Is there anyone else on the scene that you are aware of. Quite unusual for that kind of announcement....

wannabestressfree Wed 12-Feb-14 20:34:02

I am with dolluis sorry. A man who has been married for ten years and with a child would TRY counselling. It's very disrespectful to you and belittles your feelings.
You need to get angry.....
The truth will out.

nilbyname Wed 12-Feb-14 20:34:36

You can cope. Stop begging and crying and with love, grow a pair.

Start getting angry, he's totally disengaged from you, he's gone cold. Screw him, tell him to move out.

Give him some space and he might be more open to tell you what's going on?

carlywurly Wed 12-Feb-14 20:35:23

Ok - what I'd do with the calm benefit of hindsight is get your finances together ASAP and book a solicitors appointment to find out where you stand.
No begging or pleading, you need to show him the harsh reality of what he's facing as I'm sorry to agree that there is probably someone else in the picture. You need to be looking to protect your own interests.
Gather up your friends, family and get them to hold you up. I understand how shocked you must feel, I really do, but you have to go into protection mode from the start.
You will be ok, really you will, but this next bit is tough. I'm so sorry.

Minime85 Wed 12-Feb-14 20:36:23

I'm really sorry you are in this situation. what does he want to happen next then? more importantly, what do you want to happen next?

mammadiggingdeep Wed 12-Feb-14 20:37:54

Sorry you're going through this.

You can go on. You're dd needs you and she needs you to be strong. It's going to be hard but you have to dig very deep within yourself and hold it together.

Have you spoken to a time in rl about this? Can you tell someone to you trust?

jaffacake2 Wed 12-Feb-14 20:38:06

Sorry but this isn't sounding good. He has definite plans to go if he has told his mother so now is the time to try and stay strong.
Lots of crying, try to eat small snacks and tell your daughter why you are upset. You cant shield her from what is happening, she will just be confused and feel insecure if you aren't truthful with her.
Next get legal advise to secure the home.
He will go but you are going to cope and look after your child and yourself cos you have no choice.
It will be hard and sad but you will survive this.
Get all the help you can from friends and family, they will want to help you cos they care.
Take time off work, speak to GP get signed off so you can focus on what is happening.
My husband left when my 2 girls were little,so I do understand how awful you must be feeling. We got through it and we are a united family without him. Take care x

mammadiggingdeep Wed 12-Feb-14 20:39:24

Agree with carlywurly ^

This is about you now....protect yourself...

mammadiggingdeep Wed 12-Feb-14 20:40:44

Is he at home?

Fairylea Wed 12-Feb-14 20:43:39

I've been where you are. It feels awful. I posted a similar thread at the time with the title "my life is over" on another forum because that's honestly how I felt. 6 years on my life definitely isn't over, I am remarried and have a toddler ds (my older dd is now 11). There was another woman- his ex before me who he'd been speaking to on Facebook. He hadn't been out at all apart from two weekends in 6 months when he went to visit his mum and I believe he met up with his ex on those two weekends.

He isn't a nice man. A nice man would want to go to counselling in order to see if any of this could be worked out. He wouldn't just suddenly announce the end like this and bugger off.

I do think there is probably someone else. Even on the sidelines.

I think the best thing to do now is to gather all your financial information together and get to a solicitor and talk about your rights so you are fully prepared. Let him walk away and don't beg him to come back. Be angry. You need to find your anger. It may be a while coming yet.

He's not the same man you fell in love with anymore. Thinking that way helped me to get over my ex.

It will get better.

PatTheDog Wed 12-Feb-14 20:44:43

Despair, poor you! I remember how awful it was when my husband told me he was leaving - and we didn't even get on that well!

Tell a friend - you need some emotional support at the moment.

Brace yourself - my husband went to a solicitor very quickly, armed with a list. He had had time to prepare, whereas I was sobbing and in shock, afraid I would somehow be to blame and he'd take the children. Get yourself a solicitor, go the first appointment with a friend. It gets cold and hard and business-like very quickly.

Do not be rushed into decisions. With the benefit of hindsight I can see that I was not in the right place emotionally to be making decisions about selling our house and getting a new place to live so soon after he'd left. Make sure you take the time for the shock and denial, then the anger, then the grief to wear off before you make major decisions.

It is difficult to separate the emotion from the business-like matters - and so distressing that your marriage has become merely a matter of splitting finances and contact with your DD.

I know how frightened and upset you are but you will get through it. Get the support of your friends and family as soon as you can, it will help you so much. Having someone to listen, someone to talk to, someone to ask sensible questions at the solicitor's with you, etc. is invaluable.

Take care and good luck, sending you a hug.

Honeysweet Wed 12-Feb-14 20:44:58

I am all for a last ditch attempt. In my book, she has not got anything to lose.
Have you any idea, apart from not putting as much into the marriage, as to why he now says that he does not love you.
Rows, no sex, money worries, childcare issues, household chores issues, parents in law issues etc etc.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 12-Feb-14 20:46:47

I agree with fairy lea.. He's not being a nice decent man to you at the moment is he? He's ended your relationship abruptly, without you having a say, without trying to salvage it and its shattered your world.

Usually there is an ow in these cases. Of he hasn't met somebody else he still needs to at least talk through his thoughts and feelings. Has he e planned how long he's been feeling this?

MissScatterbrain Wed 12-Feb-14 20:52:10

So sorry sad

Think about it - after 10 years and DC, out of the blue he drops this bombshell on you. Refuses to consider counselling. Does not want to try.

The reason why he has no feelings for you is because he is involved with someone else. 99% of cheaters will deny deny - they don't want to look like the bad guy. Has he been grumpy, moody? Possessive with phone and laptop? Mentioned a new female colleague in recent months - or suddenly stopped talking about her?

The only thing you can do is to let him go and take steps to take control of your life - finances, tax credit, council tax etc.

It is a truly shitty situation but you will be ok.

Joy5 Wed 12-Feb-14 20:55:02

Was in your position 2 1/2 years ago, all i'd say if follow the advice above, get all the help from your family and friends as you can, and see a solicitor, try and get a free half an hour, just to find out whats what.

From experience i'd say you tell your ex to go, don't do what i did, and let my ex stay until he was ready to go, but put me and our 2 younger sons through hell for the last few months he lived with us. Take control, and make things happen you've decided.

There're might not be another woman, being thrown out might shock him into realising what hes actually doing and stands to lose. On the other hand it might not, he might still want to leave, but you'll get through this, your're the parent who stayed, you'll cope for your child.

Sending hugs and wish no one else had to go through what i've been through, and still am sometimes, but i've got a new life now, doing lots of things i never would have if i'd still been married, and most importantly of all, i've got the love and trust of my 2 younger sons, they know i'll never let them down, and to me thats all what matters.

MissScatterbrain Wed 12-Feb-14 20:55:41

(do a search for the cheater's script on here and you will see he is following it)

And one more thing, getting RL support is important.

MissScatterbrain Wed 12-Feb-14 20:59:01

Sorry to come back again so quickly - pulling the rug from under this man is the best thing you can do if you want to burst the affair bubble he's in.

Hard cold reality is the only thing that could have the effect of jolting him in realising what he stands to lose. Begging and promises to do everything you can will not work. Sadly we value things that we have had to work hard for or have lost.

Despair9 Wed 12-Feb-14 21:00:30

Hi all
Thanks for the posts.

There is defiantly no one else, I'd stake my life on it.
The relationship has not been good for a while. We're not intimate, we row a lot and don't have proper conversations. We've been getting on with daily life, school, work, after school activities, rushing round at weekends to get everything done that we didn't have time for I the week. Constantly exhausted. So our relationship has been the thing that's been on hold if you like. I know now that wasn't healthy. But I absolutely didn't realise it had got to the point where he just wanted out.
He says he doesn't want lawyers etc. doesn't want a custody battle.
I keep asking what does he want me to do. He said that he thought I felt the same i.e. Didn't love him anymore, so thought I'd just say ok lets split up!!
We're meant to be going away in April with his parents. I think he's thinking of staying until after that trip then formerly start the splitting up process after that. I keep thinking at least I've got some time on my side, but how do I persuade him to stay between now and then?

patienceisvirtuous Wed 12-Feb-14 21:04:59

I am very sorry OP. Take care of yourself. Try and eat. And lean on friends and family where possible. Plus, get a solicitors appointment asap. You will get through this x

Despair9 Wed 12-Feb-14 21:06:29

I am writing a letter now to his parents. At least I want them to know that I still want to work things out.
I still can't believe he's doing this to us. I can't cope on my own, but I know I have to dig deep fro my DD.
She is going to be so devastated.

JeanSeberg Wed 12-Feb-14 21:07:15

So sorry this is happening but others are right you need to take the control and stop him dictating what will happen and when.

He wants to leave but not till after April? Fuck that, he goes now.

Strongly second getting RL support and a legal appointment with a friend to make sure he doesn't shaft you with the finances.

magoria Wed 12-Feb-14 21:07:30

Seriously!

He doesn't love you and wants to end your marriage but...

He will hang around for a few more months before moving out.

That is cruel, nasty and selfish. How are you meant to grieve for the loss of your marriage and slowly start to heal with him hanging around? You can't. You as you already have said will use this time to turn yourself into a stepford wife in the hopes he stays!

Are you supposed to keep cooking and cleaning for him as well?

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