Do I "trap" DH into having a 2nd DC? Terrible quandary, please help!

[alikat724]

DH and I fundamentally disagree on whether we should have another child (DD is 18 mo, DH has a 15 yo DS from previous relationship) and I would appreciate thoughts/comments/advice from MNers on whether I should consider taking the decision into my own hands, ceasing contraception and seeing what happens. I am 39, but fell pg very easily (2nd cycle) with DD, and come from a long line of very fecund women, so am fairly certain that I could fall again if I wanted to, but feel it is morally wrong to "trap" a man into having a child he has expressly said he didn't want (mostly because my mother did that with me!). As background, before we got married we agreed we wanted 2 children together but he has since changed his mind - his family is complete as he now has one of each! I feel horribly cheated, never wanted my child to grow up as a lonely youngest (my own situation is similar, lots of older half-brothers-and-sisters but no full siblings close to me) and feel very strongly that her life would be better for having a close, full brother or sister to share it with both when young and into adulthood. My girlfriends are encouraging me, but I also suspect that if I broke his trust and got pregnant again it would result in the end of our marriage, either sooner or later. But I also wonder if our marriage won't end anyway, given how betrayed I feel by him taking such an important thing away from me.... PLEASE HELP!!

[Lulabellarama]

You cannot get pregnant by deception. That should really be the end of the thread.

[NotSoNervous]

I think it's unfair to do this and as you've said it's a strong chance it will ruin your marriage. Could you talk to him and explain you feel cheated and you think it you be a make or break situation for you?

[Ragwort]

No you shouldn't. People change their minds, you have a lovely DD and you have a DSS. FWIW my DH and I absoutely agreed NOT to have DC when we married - after 12 years DH changed his mind ................. I could have ranted and raved at him; I could have left him; I decided to have a child with him.

Life changes all the time, if you value your family and marriage don't cheat in this way. If having another child is so important to you, would you really consider breaking up your marriage because of this?

[Pootles2010]

If you've said its morally wrong, then why are you asking us? Talk to him, this is something you really need to talk through together.

You might have to just accept this though - imagine if someone suggested forcing a woman to have a child - this is just as bad.

[skyeskyeskye]

I don't condone tricking him, but you do need to talk to him properly and explain how important this is to you. He has his 2 children, but you dont.

A family member has been through a similar situation. Wife already had one DD, now 17, they had a DD together, now 13. He wanted 2 children of his own, she didnt want any more. They had the conversation and she said she was 38 now, its now or never and they had a baby in March. The 12 yo wasnt very happy, but has come around since baby was born. She wanted another sibley when she was 5, now the age gap is too big for them to be playmates. He also wanted a boy and got another girl.

If this is a huge issue for you, then you need to talk to him to sort it out one way or the other, once and for all.

[alikat724]

We have discussed this many times since he announced his decision (when I was 14 wks with DD). My initial response was that I would have to be OK with it, but I am not and don't think I ever will be; in fact, my feelings are getting stronger as I recognise more and more how much my DD will miss out on if she doesn't have a full sibling. My stepson is great with her, but he is 14 years older and will always live half his life very much apart from us due to huge animosity between my DH and his ex. DD has no grandparents (all deceased), no aunts, uncles or cousins and fundamentally NO-ONE ELSE in the world apart from us, and she will only have us for (at best) half her life. I know how that feels, as that has been my life, and I do not want that for her.

[alikat724]

Oh - note that we have been to counselling, we have talked about it civilly, we have fought about it to the point where we have almost broken up as he has declared I should "find someone else" if I want another child that badly. This would not solve my problem, as the whole point is my DD should have a full sibling!!!

[QueenofWhispers]

I honestly think you should tell him that you need another child and his need to stop after both of you agreeing to two has made things quite difficult for you. How do you feel about leaving him?

[Pootles2010]

Well the no-one else thing is a bit ridiculous, you can choose to bring other people in to her life. Our ds is an only child, and we choose to make an extra effort with our friends with children, going on holiday with them, etc, even about to move to be closer to a lot of them.

Have you told dh quite how strongly you feel, that this may be a deal-breaker for you?

I know you think this is going to negatively impact your dd's life, but having her parents split will too.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I think he has been quite unfair to you actually. The way he told you when you were so newly pregnant makes me think that he never intended to have more than one child with you but waited until you were pregnant to tell you - which has effectively tied you to him.

What a cunt.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

You feel tricked and cheated as you agreed on two children. Well he has two children but you dont. It is unfair of him to tell you that you need to find another man, and break the family apart.

I would leave him for that alone, to be honest!

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

i think that rather than focusing on how much you want a child, you should be focusing on does the child have the right to be wanted by both parents?

Your husband is SO insistant that he doesn't want another child. How will he treat that child? Will he be the father a child deserves? What will happen to your family after conception?

These are all things that you have to consider. It is about far much more than your need for a child. You have to consider the needs of this person you want to bring into the world too.

I do understand. I would love another child. I could cry about it, but it's not to be for a number of reasons. But I know how it feels to have that ache and I sympathise deeply.

[samuelwhiskers]

I really don't think you should do it, I look back at friends who "tricked" their OHs and it did affect the relationships, they split up or divorced. You have one DD who is only 18 months, maybe when she is a bit older, he might well change his mind. Maybe your OH thinks financially that two are enough and a third would be too much. I really think you should consider his feelings if you value your marriage. Perhaps your friends are encouraging you because they are pregnant again or planning to be and you feel left out.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

So perhaps you actually should trick him the way he tricked you.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

No, you shouldn't do this. Your marriage seems very strained already given that your DH has changed his mind and told you as soonas he had done so, it seems.

[alikat724]

Thank you all so much for your responses so far!

Pootles - yes, he knows how strongly I feel about this, and that is may be a deal-breaker. My fear is that we will split anyway, due to this issue, and DD will have NEITHER married parents or a sibling, and in that instance no-one to move with her between her two worlds (this is what I see quite strongly in my stepson, who has a younger half-brother).

[Helltotheno]

You have three choices since he's been honest with you:

• Use him as a sperm donor at the risk of your marriage if having another child is more important to you than your marriage, and then accept the consequences
  

• Leave him and find another man who wants a child with you
  

• Forget the idea
  

Just choose really.
Also, plenty of siblings get on awfully, which a cursory read of the Relationships board alone will tell you, so don't bank on the happy families deal!

[wonderingsoul]

you only have 3 good options
1- talk to him, find out all hes reasons for not having another. tell him how important it is to you and its a deal breaker.

2- except it
3- split and have another child with some one else. they may not be full siblings, but they will be brought up together and will see each other a full sister/borther

[alikat724]

Quintessential - this is the "red devil" thought I am dealing with. :(

[LalyRawr]

I think your choice is not wether or not you should get pregnant against his very clear wishes, but more, which do you want more, another child or your husband?

If you did get pregnant and your husband left you, would be happy with that? Or if you didn't get pregnant and stayed with your husband, would you be ok with that?

Which would you regret more, losing your husband or not having a second child?

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

What if you get PG, you split and DH refuses to have DC2 to visit?

Is it fair to have DC2 just to keep DD company?

[alikat724]

Thanks Hello and Wondering - unfortunately, another child with someone else is NOT an option... and yes, I know many siblings get on abominably, but for those that do they are each others' best friends...

[alikat724]

LalyRawr - exactly. So you can understand why I feel like I'm losing my mind with such a horrendous "frying pan or fire" choice.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

Look, if you think DH tricked you rather than genuinely changing his mind, why would you want to be with him and have another baby with a person like that anyway?

[wonderingsoul]

alikate- i used to think like that.i have 2 dc and whilst i never judge some one with children with different dads, i didnt look down on them or thought about it really. but for me it wasnt something that i wanted for myself or chidlren.

the want for another child has got so much stronger that, it doesnt matter if i have a third with a different dad.

im wondering if time goes on adn your want for another will get worse/stronger that it wouldnt matter as much if they had a different dad if thats the only way you could have another child.