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support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 20

(1000 Posts)
foolonthehill Sun 14-Apr-13 17:02:29

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans – He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out – You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change…please don’t give him the link…print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

foolonthehill Sun 14-Apr-13 17:02:48

here we are...sorry for the delay.

ponygirlcurtis Sun 14-Apr-13 17:39:23

Thanks fool, a star as always! Don't think we'd all have been champing at the bit as much without Tis's horrible situation. sad I know she's here in spirit, so <waves>.

Onwards and upwards to Number 20!

Bertiebassett Sun 14-Apr-13 17:59:27

He's gone!!! grin

foolonthehill Sun 14-Apr-13 18:15:34

shock really gone Bb???? grin

foolonthehill Sun 14-Apr-13 18:20:41

To my friend undercover...., you have the address if you want etc. offload at will.

Bertiebassett Sun 14-Apr-13 18:50:06

Yes...he's really gone...2 years of misery followed by 15 months of hell...but I'm finally free.

DS and I got back from holiday today (hence I've completely missed out on the last thread...sorry everyone) and he went while we were away.

He's only living a mile away and I will obviously still see him regularly because of DS...but I can finally relax. DS and I have just been running round the house laughing and being silly. I haven't been comfortable enough in this house to be really silly for such a long time...if that makes any sense.

Now I have to start redecorating/changing/ replacing everything in the house to make it mine...

kittybiscuits Sun 14-Apr-13 18:58:23

Bertie that's fantastic news! xx

Feels like someone's missing from this thread sad

Thanks for the thread fool smile

minkembra Sun 14-Apr-13 19:04:22

Bertie great news.

To tiss FW. if you are reading this you are an appalling excuse for a man. And to his sister i hope what you have read here has made you see your brother the monster he is. now fuck right off.


minkembra Sun 14-Apr-13 19:04:54

fool thanks

Dillie Sun 14-Apr-13 19:10:47

Thanks for the new thread fool smile

So sorry for tis truly awful situation sad. I hope her fw and sil get whats coming to them. Hope the poor love is OK.

Great news Bertie smile

Nothing to report, just popped on to offer support and flowers

ponygirlcurtis Sun 14-Apr-13 20:44:49

Am popping champagne for you Bertie, that's fantastic. I can't believe how long you survived holed up in your room night after night. But you've done it. You are free - not entirely, of course, because he will still always be in your like unfortunately and still always be a FW unfortunately, but this must feel like a new chapter for you. Enjoy being silly with DS, enjoy your home being your home once again, and enjoy this new start for you and your gorgeous son.

bountyicecream Sun 14-Apr-13 21:04:24

Bertie another one thrilled for you. It is so uplifting to know that women can and do escape smile

butterflymeadow Sun 14-Apr-13 21:13:42

Excellent news, bertie, I know what you mean about silliness. I love being silly with the kids.

Just a note for tis, was thinking about your post on colour charts which cheered me up on the last thread. I guess the point is thinking about the future and making our own choices. All the fwittery is an attempt to stop that. Owning, recreating, finding one's space is so important.

arthriticfingers Sun 14-Apr-13 21:27:11

Go Bertie go smile!

MrsMorton Sun 14-Apr-13 21:56:01

Nice one BB.

BreatheandFlyAway Sun 14-Apr-13 22:14:11

BB I'm so thrilled for you smile what fantastic news wine thanks

Fool thanks for new thread as always smile

I miss our mate too, but sending thanks and wine to her xxxx

BreatheandFlyAway Sun 14-Apr-13 22:15:13

So relieved fool you set up a new thread; I was working today but was searching on my phone, feeling very bereft smile silly me. Ahhh, feel at home now. <settles with wine>

LemonDrizzled Sun 14-Apr-13 22:24:34

Thanks Fool

Hooray BB another one outside in the fresh clean air!

had to do LOTS of exercise today to work off the lardy cake! It has a whole packet of lard in it!!

bountyicecream Sun 14-Apr-13 22:36:17

Night everyone. Hope there's less fwery tomorrow

ponygirlcurtis Sun 14-Apr-13 22:54:32

Lemon grin but worth it for that lovely cake, no?

night all from pony/yoni towers too, am a-bed already and v tired. Fingers crossed for an overnight alien abduction/personality transplant for all FWs!

And special hugs to our lovely tis. Thinking of you and channeling good vibes your way. Oooooohm. xx

thepatioislumpy Mon 15-Apr-13 07:33:43

Hello bertie I've been following your story for ages and I just wanted to say that I'm so pleased you've got your house to yourself. It must be like a physical weight has been lifted!

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 15-Apr-13 09:57:13

Tis the meditation room is always there for you.

Bertie great news! I'll do my traditional virtual somersault...

FairyFi Mon 15-Apr-13 11:28:03

yes, hoping Tis is still lurking and gaining support from the messages here, and will be taking herself off to the meditation room for some chillin and feel good stuff! Sending you ohmmms! xx

Fabulous new Bertie !!!! just fantastic.

thanks Fool

FairyFi Mon 15-Apr-13 13:08:07

news of course!

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