He wants an abortion, I don't...bit of a mess.

[trustissues75]

I'm 8 weeks pregnant, found out 4 weeks ago. OH and I have been together for just over a year. I'm in the middle of a very messy international divorce. I have a son who is 8. We moved in with oh in July this year, 150 mile away from my home and family.

From the start OH let me know he didn't want children, and I was fine with that. We had a discussion about him going for the snip especially since I have very strong opinions on abortion (I've had one before it still haunts me 27 years later, and I could never get one again)

Long story short I fucked up with my birth control, he knew...and hey presto...looks like at 37 I'm still super fertile. (I'm not looking for judgments on my lack of responsibility...bit late for that so lets just stick to the now please)

Now we're in a mess.

We're going to counselling this afternoon and all I can hope for it he'll change his mind. We have had a talk about why he doesn't want this child....the usual stuff, finances, no room in the house etc....but the one thing that I feel may be at the actual crux of all of this is a bad relationship he had over 10 years ago. He wanted kids, their relationship ended badly and as he put it (though I'm paraphrasing) his chance to have kids was taken away from him. When I asked him what he meant he said he could never trust anyone enough to have kids with them...he didn't want the possibility of forever having to be tied to someone who might let him down.

I'm still trying to get my head around this....suddenly our problems seem way bigger than me being pregnant....if he didn't want the possibility of having to be tied to someone forever then why was he perfectly okay getting involved with someone who had a child? I mean....my son adores him, we had the discussion of the fact that unless he was deadly serious about this being forever then we wouldn't be moving in because my son sees OH as his father (long story short NSDH abandoned us with just a suitcase of clothes and walked off to America with another woman and hasn't seen DS since...which has been almost 2 years now)

I'm almost sppechless to be honest.

On top of all of that he's worried about how he's going to stand with the CSA if I have the baby....I don't think I even need to tell you how that statement made me feel....

Please help me get some perspective on this...

Thanks

trust

[notonthebandwagon]

Nope. Not ok. More updates on the 'when a partnership isn't a partnership' thread in Relationships.

[YourLeftElbow]

Hope you're ok OP x

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

Sorry to hear that OP. What happened? How are you?

[Donthate]

Doesn't sound good OP what has happened?

[goddessofsmallthings]

So what's happened during the last few years and, more particularly, what's caused you to return to your thread, OP? Did you continue your relationship with him and has it gone tits up again?

[expotition]

Sorry! That'll teach me not to RTFT / look at dates. Sorry to see more recent posts. Hope you're all right.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I am sorry to hear that, OP.

[notonthebandwagon]

OP here - those of you who were jumping up and down about his attitude wet oh so very right.

[izzyizin]

O yes. The old 'what's mine is yours' line they roll out when they're trying to secure themselves the services of a maid in the living room/cook in the ktichen/whore in the bedroom at a cut price rate.

And once the unwitting female has become dependent on his largesse, Lord Bountiful shows his true colours morphs into Scrooge.

Regardeless of what's going on with this pg, you're best advised to make yourself financially ndependent of him - and any other man for that matter.

[Lueji]

I agree.
What he said is a red flag, even if he backtracks now.
Particularly coupled with his attitude towards the possibility of the new baby.

[dequoisagitil]

Oh love, I'm so sorry it looks like you're miscarrying. Get as much support as you can from your friends/family. I hope it's just a scare.

On the relationship side of things, I think what he has said about money etc is pretty worrying and you would do well to be independent of him.

[trustissues75]

Izzy

He's joining us on Christmas eve.

Yes, I've been at home for now. I had my reservations and wanted to wait longer but he said it was fine and he was happy to help while I tried to finish up my CACHE level 2...whats his was mine etc...yeah, hmmm...he reasoning being that its just a bit of extra food a week and it won't be forever because I'll pass and get a job for about 8k a year...now that's all changed and he's thrown it in my face. Says he's sorry and didn't mean it but I can't get that one out of my mind because to me he basically reduced our relationship to a legal form of prostitution. At the end of the day I'll still only be earning 8k..so still very dependant on him...will those kind of remarks stop or am |I going to have to endure feeling beholden to someone who is supposed ot love me.

The baby is likely a moot point...I spent most of the morning in hospital...won't actually find out until Thursday what is deffinately going on but looks like I'm miscarrying..and no-one around me knows except for a friend who resuced me this morning to take me to hospital on the pretense of last minute Xmas shopping.

[izzyizin]

While you're in Wales where is he, and how long are you planning to stay with your family?

You've said 'money came into it again', all about how he's 'solely holding the fort'. Do you work and/or contribute to household expenses, or has he been providing for you and your ds solely out of his income since you went to live with him?

[SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh]

He honestly sounds like a selfish dick. You have been with him for a year and you are pregnant, which is a time when a man who is selfish and abusive is most likely to show you who he really is. He expects you to obey him and be grateful to him, for simply being present, with his Mighty Penis, and he's banking up the opportunities to get out of doing all the childcare and anything he doesn't want to do by saying 'Well you wanted the baby, I didn't.'

[trustissues75]

Alright, people have had lots of questions and useful comments/ideas and thank you. To answer some of the questions in no particular order:

Yes, we have a great relationship up until now...it's still good...but yes, things that have been said have led me to question my perception.

Yes, he knew he was having unprotected sex

No, I don't think he's a twat...|I can see his point of view and one of us is going to have to budge (but I have moments when I do get a bit riled up, but I think keeping perspective is the only logical way through this - someone is going to have to get hurt)

Yes - I will essentially be homeless - the NSDH took the house with him (not hard since it was in America and he stranded me here and he also took the paycheck and all our belongings and savings with him)

SOme people have made very good points, the lady who pointed out that if I abort I'll likely end up with nothing but heartache made a good point as did the lady who felt she couldn't make the man she loved do something he didn't want to do and aborted and they are stronger than ever (Part of the reason I'm struggling with this decision - I don't want to make or try to make him do something he doesn't want to do yet on the other hand I'm against abortion and I already love this baby - why wouldn't I, especially since I love the man so much)

To be clear....he hasn't said "It's me or the baby." He doesn't know what will happen apart from he will struggle if I go ahead...can't really blame him for that, that's just like me saying I'm very concerned how I'm going to deal post abortion.

I am very bothered about this whole money thing...and at counselling he started saying how much he has been flexible over changing his life to move us in...that does bother me extremely because it was his idea, it was what he wanted and he said he'd given a lot of thought to it before asking me...right now I fell like me and the boy are simply a hindrance in his life. I pointed that out and he apologised and said that wasn't how he wanted me to feel he just didn't want people to think he wasn't flexible. Got to say I can't see how one is being flexible if one is wanting someone in their life and invites them in...it still stings a bit.

Money came into it again...all about how he's solely holding the fort...again, a bit indignant really....he knew I'm trying to pay my way through GCSE's in TA and that I cant volunteer in schools and go to college and work all at the same time and try to juggle job around his rotating shift patterns. I'm a bit upset because it suddenly feels like money is more important than us...feel like I'm getting mixed messages. He says it's because he knows what it's like to have nothing...I gently pointed out to him that he doesn't truly know what it's like to have nothing and frankly I hoped he never found out...nothing is homelessness, with a 5 years old and a suitcase of clothes between you and that is completely it....I asked him if he'd even been without food so someone else could eat...he couldn't answer me.

I tried to get him to open up about this statement about the relationship 10 years ago taking away his chance to have children...he wasn't forthcoming.

He said he felt the only way we were going to be ok through this was if he capitulated and that he felt trapped.

He reiterated how he's said firmly from the start...right from when we were just friends that he didn't want children...I replied that I understood that and then wlaked him through the conversation to remind him about my views on abortion and that we'd had the exact same conversation about 3 months ago.

he said that he felt this was his own fault as he knew the pill isn't 100%, knew I'd missed a couple of days, lulled int a false sense of security because of my age and that he had "felt" that this would happen to us one day....

More talk about being an old dad and having to put a child through college when he was 60...I agreed this wasn't in my plan...but the pointed out that neither had homelessness and losing all of my belongings, my home, my livelihood, my self-esteem and self-respect and almost bankrupting my parents to try to prevent the NSDH from removing our son to the states...but shit happens...I used the word flexible....didn't like that.

So, ride home was quiet, he sulked upstairs for a few minutes...I left him to it...he came back down, gave me a big hug and we carried on as usual....laughing, joking, hugging...life as usual...

And now I'm here in Wales....bouncing between empathy and a state of stewing.

That's about it really...

I just don't know...I still have time I suppose....

Thanks all for your replies.

[trustissues75]

And for the record NKF no I'm not even divorced yet...two years down the line...which is not my fault, I can't control the vindictive NSDH from playing games...DP was travelling 150 miles every week to see us..we had known each other for quite some time before making the decision to move in...I would have liked it to be longer but between the travelling he was doing to see us and various other things like NSDH stopping child support and me being able to do nothing aobut it (America remember) and my health making my job ( hah, job, minimum wage and an area that relies on dwindling tourism for it's main source of employment) look extremely dodgy and no way to return to college because I don't QUALIFY for student loans having been out of the country for 6 years I was in a very tight spot...I sincerely hope you never have to make the decisions I've had to make...but from your ivory tower I doubt you will.

[trustissues75]

NKF

thanks for the input...however you haven't walked in my shoes and I specifically asked for no judgement and simply talking through where we go from here - I believe that's the MATURE thing to do. I find your ability to judge without any true idea of the situation incomprehensible. Kindly bugger off.

[sunnyday123]

Def agree that you should do what you want as its your body and your choice.

However, a couple of years ago, having had two children already with dh, I really wanted a third. . He didnt but agreed to try anyway as he knew how much I did. I got pregnant pretty much just as we agreed to stop trying (I eventually saw how miserable it was making him).

He was devastated that I got pregnant and I was equally devastated that he was facing a situation he didn't want. He never asked me to get an abortion but I knew that he'd prefer it. In the end I had an abortion. I knew I'd never be happy having a child with someone who didn't want it. I couldn't force the man I love into a situation he didn't want. We are now stronger than ever and I have no regrets whatsoever.

I know it's not the same thing as your situation was an accident but as a couple, it helps to hear things both sides. Your dp may not come round and it comes down to what you value more at this stage. I don't agree that you and dp would split up anyway. Having respect for each others opinions is important. His response is bad but my dh was shocked and said some regretful things at the time.

Please make a choice based on what you want but also on what's best for all of you at this current time in your life. If you see a future with this man and your step son then it may help to at least try to see things from his point of view-I found it very upsetting to see how powerless my husband felt and I did not for a minute enjoy the power I held over his future.

[Lueji]

The problem is that the OP is not happy about having an abortion.

I understand her point of view, because I wouldn't get rid of a baby in the same situation.

[olgaga]

Have to say, njkf has a point, and it wasn't "smugly" delivered IMO. It is the case that potentially the OP will have an awful lot on her plate if she has a child with a man who doesn't want it.

Plus all the other complications with the not-quite-ex.

OP for what it's worth there's absolutely no chance your ex will get anything more than standard contact, but that on its own will mean you have to factor it in to your life.

What do you want to do? Do you want to be a single mum of two? Dealing with the issues presented by both unsatisfactory dads?

[Alconleigh]

He doesn't want it. The whole modern blended thing. And it's no one's dream.

[superstarheartbreaker]

OP; do what you want; not what he wants.

I do think it' great that women hold all the cards post conception and I feel not the least bit sorry for men who find themselves in this situation. After all the man can disown the women and child and walz off to start a new life like my ex. It is the women who normally is left to bring up baby alone ; and quite succesfully too in most cases. Basically if a man dosn't want to be a dad he dosn't have to be but mostly women take the brunt of the responsibility even if they are together. If your up for the challenge op then go for it.

[Lueji]

What do you mean no room in the house, BTW?
Where does your DS sleep?

And we had DS in our room for the first 3 years of his life. (we had bought a 1 bed flat when I had sort of resigned not to be pregnant)

DS is here and he was a happy child, as much as when he got his own room.

[ZZZenAgain]

don't have an abortion for someone else.

there is a lot going on, isn't there? There is the divorce, a man who turned out to be unreliable and is also vindictive and wants custody of your ds; a new man who is unwilling to commit and turning out to be a bit unstable; a pregnancy with a decision to make. In addition to that you are not in a strong position generally since you don't know where you stand with this new man and you are dependent on him I presume since you live in his house.

Would you want to give up a baby for a man who cannot commit to anyone? He is not offering you much in return for that, is he?