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Relationships

He wants an abortion, I don't...bit of a mess.

81 replies

trustissues75 · 20/12/2012 10:54

I'm 8 weeks pregnant, found out 4 weeks ago. OH and I have been together for just over a year. I'm in the middle of a very messy international divorce. I have a son who is 8. We moved in with oh in July this year, 150 mile away from my home and family.

From the start OH let me know he didn't want children, and I was fine with that. We had a discussion about him going for the snip especially since I have very strong opinions on abortion (I've had one before it still haunts me 27 years later, and I could never get one again)

Long story short I fucked up with my birth control, he knew...and hey presto...looks like at 37 I'm still super fertile. (I'm not looking for judgments on my lack of responsibility...bit late for that so lets just stick to the now please)

Now we're in a mess.

We're going to counselling this afternoon and all I can hope for it he'll change his mind. We have had a talk about why he doesn't want this child....the usual stuff, finances, no room in the house etc....but the one thing that I feel may be at the actual crux of all of this is a bad relationship he had over 10 years ago. He wanted kids, their relationship ended badly and as he put it (though I'm paraphrasing) his chance to have kids was taken away from him. When I asked him what he meant he said he could never trust anyone enough to have kids with them...he didn't want the possibility of forever having to be tied to someone who might let him down.

I'm still trying to get my head around this....suddenly our problems seem way bigger than me being pregnant....if he didn't want the possibility of having to be tied to someone forever then why was he perfectly okay getting involved with someone who had a child? I mean....my son adores him, we had the discussion of the fact that unless he was deadly serious about this being forever then we wouldn't be moving in because my son sees OH as his father (long story short NSDH abandoned us with just a suitcase of clothes and walked off to America with another woman and hasn't seen DS since...which has been almost 2 years now)

I'm almost sppechless to be honest.

On top of all of that he's worried about how he's going to stand with the CSA if I have the baby....I don't think I even need to tell you how that statement made me feel....

Please help me get some perspective on this...

Thanks

trust

OP posts:
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Viviennemary · 20/12/2012 19:29

In your heading you say you don't want an abortion. Then you should absolutely think very very carefully before going against what you want. No man should make you feel forced into having an abortion. That isn't right.

And as for him not being tied to somebody who might let him down. There are absolutely no guarantees of this for anybody. And is very bad of him to have already mentioned csa.

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izzyizin · 20/12/2012 19:39

If this afternoon's session hasn't brought about any change of heart on his part you're best advsed to consider moving back to be near family/friends asap so that you can get rl support from those who are willing to give it freely and without resentment.

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TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 20/12/2012 20:15

Hello OP hope this afternoon went some way towards helping you both decide what you want. Hope you're on the same page now.



Izzyizin I thought you'd name changed for Yuletide, thanks for clarifying.

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izzyizin · 20/12/2012 20:24

I wanted to - I had a lovely name change planned O well, it'll soon be Easter... if the world doesn't end tomorrow Xmas Grin

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TheoxenandDonkeyskneltdown · 20/12/2012 20:27

It's not too late, Mayan calendars apart...! Plenty of festive time yet!

(Sorry for hijacking, OP).

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FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 20/12/2012 20:27

Nothing can tie him down forever to someone, fortunately or unfortunately, depending on who you are in the relationship. It is a non issue.

What do you want? Work from there.

CSA, well, so is life. He could also run over someone tomorrow and owe them thousands in disability fees. Would he not drive any more? Not sure what my point is, but life is not that simple.

I hope you are keeping well. Can you talk To someone in RL or have a solo counselling session? It is a lot to carry in your heart.

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OneMoreGo · 20/12/2012 20:36

I was in this situation in the sense that I was the unborn baby. I've never met my Dad because he fucked off when she failed to abort me, but I'm still glad she had me.

The CSA comment immediately raised my hackles. What an odd statement/perspective. Are you are this man is actually a nice person? Don't let him pressure you into anything, honey.

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foreverondiet · 20/12/2012 20:39

I think if you don't want to have an abortion and can cope with the idea of bringing up the baby on your own then you shouldn't have an abortion. Should never have an abortion for someone else, only should have one if its what you really want to do...

He knew your position on abortion yet still took a chance with unprotected sex.

I actually think eventually your OH is in shock and will calm down and be ok with it - because of what you said about your DS seeing him as his father and because he did originally want to have children.

How was relationship otherwise before pregnancy was discovered?

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LadyLapsang · 20/12/2012 22:57

Foreverondiet, he may not have known he was having unprotected sex - he may have thought OP was using the contraceptive pill. I think people are being a little harsh with him, he had clearly said he did not want children and they were discussing whether he should have a vasectomy. Having said that, OP needs to decide what to do. If it were me I would think of the child I already had first (the child's life has already been disrupted- it lives away from its dad in a different country etc.), then me, and then the new partner and then try to do the best thing.

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dequoisagitil · 20/12/2012 23:02

@Ladylapsang, OP says "long story short, I fucked up with my birth control, he knew".

He knew the chance he was taking, he knew it was unprotected sex.

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JenaiMathis · 20/12/2012 23:04

Exactly, dequoi.

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GrimmaTheNome · 20/12/2012 23:12

'He wants an abortion'

tough luck, that's one of the things a bloke can't have.

Long story short I fucked up with my birth control, he knew..
so you both fucked up. If he was so adamant he didn't want kids he should have had the snip or belt and braces used a condom as well as whatever you were doing.

he didn't want the possibility of forever having to be tied to someone who might let him down.

so to prevent that will he let you down? Hopefully he's a bit in shock and will get his act together and get over himself.

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Alconleigh · 20/12/2012 23:35

People, of both sexes, are allowed not to want children. They are allowed to set their stall out on that. I don't know exactly what OP means by the contraception Mucked up and he knew bit, but I hate the prevalent attitude on here that as soon as a woman is pregnant, no matter what the circs, a man is a twat for not being over the moon. Not to mention the vacuous 'we only regret the children we don't have' cheerleaders. The most casual glance through these boards reveals the falsehood of that.

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peeriebear · 21/12/2012 11:47

He's not a twat for not being over the moon. He's a twat for issuing her with an ultimatum. "It's me or the baby". A stupid and hubristic challenge to issue- most women would choose the baby (IMHO) because for them there is no contest. The baby can never come back. The man might. And if he doesn't, there's still the baby!

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JenaiMathis · 21/12/2012 11:56

He's not a twat for not being over the moon. He's a twat for issuing her with an ultimatum. "It's me or the baby". A stupid and hubristic challenge

Bloody well said, peerie.

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DontmindifIdo · 21/12/2012 12:08

Well, it sounds like your relationship with this man will be over one way or another - he'll leave you if you keep the baby, you'll hate him if he forces you to abort. So stop pretending he should have any say in this, he's not going to stay around to live with the consequences either way.

For your not-quite-exH, speak to your solicitor about this and if it will effect the chances of him removing your DS. If he's left to the US and not seen much of your DS for over 2 years, I can't see that he will automatically get custody without very good reason, and you having another DC doesn't seem like a good reason.

BTW - he took the decision to have unprotected sex with a woman he knew was against abortion, so really, he took the decision to risk you getting pregnant and not changing your views on abortion. His mistake, not your job to fix it for him.

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DontmindifIdo · 21/12/2012 12:11

oh and don't let your DS leave the UK! Talk to your solicitor about that.

Would your exH's new DP really move her DCs to the UK (and do you think they could get visa for them all if he and his OW aren't married? Unlikely unless she's already a European citizen and/or can move with her work, and few multinationals sponser US to UK visas for anyone other than the top people for more than 2 years, a 2 year visa is not that long for a judge to give your exH full custody)

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SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 21/12/2012 12:14

Dump the man and move on. He sounds like a waste of space. As to the pregnancy, it's up to you what you do; his opinion isn't important because it's not his body.

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Lueji · 21/12/2012 12:20

He should have had the snip, or abstain from sex, really.

Ultimately, you have to decide if you want to have the child or the partner, if it comes to that.

Your current partner may come around eventually, but if you abort you lose the child forever.
And could you forgive him for forcing an abortion on you?

In your situation, I think it would ruin the relationship and you probably will end up splitting anyway, if you are not happy about the abortion.
So, why do it to please him?

Would you be ok being a single mum to a baby?

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Lueji · 21/12/2012 12:23

Also, I don't think a court would allow your DS to move from his primary carer.

You would have to be a terrible mother indeed.

Besides, even if he was granted custody, you may still prevent your DS from leaving the UK. What does your solicitor say?

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pleasestoptalking · 21/12/2012 13:00

I agree with the others. You have to make a choice for YOU. He has told you that he doesn't want a child so if you go ahead you have to accept that he may not want to be a part of your life anymore.
However, how will you feel if you have an abortion and he leaves anyway? it's not a guarantee that you will spend the rest of your lives together.

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trustissues75 · 21/12/2012 15:15

Thank you all

There's lots to say and lots to clarify for those needing more information. I'm on my way to the family in Wales for Xmas but I'll be back on tonight to talk more aobut what happened, answer questions and ask opinions on my thoughts after yesterday's counselling sessions.

thank you so much...I really do appreciate all your input.

OP posts:
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nkf · 21/12/2012 15:24

I think if you have the baby, you will be a single mother to two children. It's for you to decide whether you want to do that. I think you moved in with him very early. Your son shouldn't be adoring some almost stranger. You're not even divorced yet. I find the choices you made incomprehensible to be honest. I think, at the age of 37, you should be behaving more sensibly.

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CluffyDude · 21/12/2012 15:27

Merry Xmas nfk

Is the view nice up there, from your high horse? Xmas Smile

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nkf · 21/12/2012 15:28

...and a happy new year.

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