Living with dh bordeline personality disorder with narscissitic tendencies

[Mrswhiskerson]

Dh has been diagnosed with boderline personality disorder with narcissitic tendencies which explians a lot of his recent behaviour he is glad he has a diagnosis and feels enlightened as to why he behaves like he does and he wants to work on changing for the better.

I want the marriage to work and to be healthy so I was wondering if anyone has experiance as to how to deal with this and if anyone knows what treatment is available ?

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

good luck. But I wouldn't hang around.

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

one last thing...he 'feels enlightened' ?? Give me a break.

[Squeegle]

Unlikely - who rattled your cage? Can't you be a bit more generous?

[mumblechum1]

Have you been able to speak to the MH specialists? Perhaps they could give you some useful and constructive advice.

[JellyMould]

Wow Unlikely, that's harsh. OP, maybe try the mental health board as well?

[foolonthehill]

there is a Wiki book on living with a person with NPD that has a good section on self care.

another book "loving the Self-Absorbed" and "how to live with a narcissist....

back in a minute with some links

[MooncupGoddess]

Changing one's personality is hard, really hard... and if he has narcissistic tendencies he may soon decide that the diagnosis is rubbish and actually he was in the right all along.

In any case, it's up to him. He needs to be putting the work into changing, don't take it on your own shoulders.

[MooncupandPizza]

Ah, unlikely, what a helpful series of posts. Do your fingers hit "post" too quickly to get 4 sentences into one post?

OP - I agree, maybe try the mental health board.

I imagine someone like that could be pretty hard to live with so I hope there are treatment options around for him.
I wonder if being a member of a support group/forum or whatever (maybe you'll find some people on here) would be helpful to you so that you can talk to others who experience his kind of behaviour and would understand your point of view.

I would imagine it is a relief for him to be diagnosed with a disorder rather than to think he's just a plain old difficult person and helpful for you too.
I wish you both luck!

[droves]

Oh dear . Good luck op .... How much do you know about Bpd / narsasists ?

Find out as much as you can .

[oikopolis]

UA has been a bit snippy but i agree with her to a large extent.

OP, borderline personality disorder is extremely difficult to treat. Narcissistic traits make any pd much, much, MUCH more difficult, if not impossible, to treat. Someone who is narcissistic is unlikely to possess the skills to gain insight or "enlightenment" of any kind. what you are seeing in your DH, and describing as "enlightenment", is probably not what you assume it is.

i think you need to talk to professionals about this. personality disorders generally have very poor prognoses and you are unlikely to be able to have any kind of healthy marriage with a person who is displaying these symptoms. i am very sorry to say that because it sounds like your expectations are quite a bit higher than that.

having said that, there is a therapy that has apparently shown some results with borderline patients: psychcentral.com/lib/2007/an-overview-of-dialectical-behavior-therapy/

the only problem here is, you say your H has been diagnosed as having narcissistic traits. please understand that this means that he will likely find it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to progress in therapy.

not saying that to make you feel shit, i just don't want you to hold out unrealistic hopes. it might be good for you to start seeing someone to support you, and manage your expectations about your husband's treatment.

also, if you have kids, they will need therapy too. having a borderline parent is an extremely damaging thing for a child. i don't want to frighten you but i really cannot overstate how bad it is, this sort of thing destroys children's lives. if there are children you MUST find appropriate support for them.

get as much support as you can for yourself too.
good luck.

[UnlikelyAmazonian]

Enlightened must be a word that the op's own husband has used. It's not a word that just pops into a mind that has a serious mental health issue.

OP, this will never be your problem. If he is for real and wants to changae his 'behaviour' then he absolutely has to do it on his own.

And I would insist he moves out and finds somewhere else to live while he does it.

btw. what are these 'behaviours'?

Can you let us know what his behaviours are?

Hugs. It's a long road.

[goodoldme]

The biggest piece of advice I can give you through my own experience is to work on your own boundaries. Learn when to not engage and remind yourself that no matter what you know is the truth/facts of the situation, your dh will have his own version.

Don't try to fix him, it's exhausting, leave that to the mh professionals.

[foolonthehill]

www.amazon.co.uk/Loving-Self-absorbed-Nina-W-Brown/dp/1572243546/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1333049837&sr=8-1&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Disarming-Narcissist-Surviving-Thriving-Self-absorbed/dp/1572245190/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Living_With_a_Narcissist

also an interesting place to look for similar experiences....www.theexperienceproject.com

Although i wish you well and hope that you can find a way through it must be said that most personality disorders are very, very difficult to treat (some say untreatable) and require a large and ongoing energetic commitment from everyone involved to normalise behaviour and recognise entitled/narcissistic behaviour. I hope that you can get some excellent and ongoing support from the local mental health team. Above all things make sure that you have places/people to go to and things to do for you...you must protect your own mental health because it is very unlikely that even in the best case your DH will be able to think about this.

[CallieJ]

Unlikely... how about you take a look at your own punctuation?

[fionabruise]

Mrs W- I think this sounds tremendously positive that he got as far as getting a diagnosis and has said that he feels relieved and wants to concentrate on changing.

I'm pretty sure my mum has the same diagnoses but has never been able to admit she has a problem. My dad has literally acted like the lithium in her life-he is totally amazing but oh how so much easier everyone's lives might've been if she had been able to seek support from outside family e.g. psychiatric and other support. But her insight and fear have not allowed this. Your situation sounds much more promising. I really wish you well. In some ways I'm not sure how helpful it is to read too much--some of the stuff on narcissism and BPD I've read is not very nuanced and seems to me quite persecutory. On the other hand knowledge can be helpful so you don't take on too much responsibility.

[fionabruise]

YESZ just as Goold says excellent advice- make sure your own boundaries are as tip top as they can be first and foremost.

[foolonthehill]

PS although I agree with the poster above who says that this is your DH's problem and the MHT's place to treat, it would also be true to say that as behaviour happens mostly away from the MHT and he is unlikely to have insight, if the OP wants him to stand any chance of moving forward with him she will need to be involved in pointing out his undesirable behaviours. I am not saying that she MUST do this, just that it would be necessary within the relationship if she wishes him to improve.

Also Op you are going to have to be very honest with yourself, his diagniosis makes it an uphill battle at best to achieve this I want the marriage to work and to be healthy. Keep your boundaries strong and make sure you have plenty of support just for you.

There are no drug treatments, no surgery, no electroconvulsive treatment...it is all behavioural and it has highly variable (and quite disappointing) results...[sorry]

[Rhinosaurus]

This site has some good info
www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/borderline_personality_disorder

Sorry you got such a mean response, but it's really good you aren't running a mile, and WANT to explore how to live with mental health problems for the sake of your relationship.

[fionabruise]

actually in one of the most tender moments I've had with my dad when I asked him why he stayed with my mum he said simply; "because she's worth it".

and she really is "worth it" despite all the heartache her conditions have caused; she's an amazing interesting loving woman who has done a hell of a lot for all sorts of "good causes" whatever has driven her. I'd rather than her than have a bland wussy woman who cant mow the lawn etc as a mother.

[oikopolis]

yes, because if you don't have a personality disorder, you're a bland wuss.
who can't mow the lawn. (?!)

it all makes sense to me now.

[goodoldme]

And I certainly don't believe that every person with BPD should be written off. There is an awful lot of research being carried out on BPD and new therapies.

It's not an easy road op as I'm sure you've learnt. The manipulation and verbal attacks can be breath taking and if you're not careful can bring you to your knees, but, if you arm yourself with as much information as you can and learn to detach, you'll be in a much stronger place to protect yourself.

Where's fabbychic when you need her!

[gettingagrip]

What are the behaviours? how did he end up being diagnosed?