In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

[Startingagain88]

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

[solidgoldbrass]

Sorry to say this but he is leaving you for this other woman. I don't like the sound of you having given up your job to 'support' his business venture. TBH I think you should see a solicitor and do a little digging. It may be possible to get some of your money back from this man.

[MooncupandPizza]

Oh startingagain, how horrible for you. It does sound like what sgb said and he's leaving you for her. I would imagine legal advice soon is a very good idea (hey, if you work things out, at least you'll know the facts of everything if things got hairy again..or for a friend).

Sorry you are alone dealing with this but online people can be very real friends as time goes by and can certainly give very good advice and support in a crisis too.

Any kids? It sounds like not as you don't mention them.

[Startingagain88]

I know what an idiot - it naive i know but i really thought he loved me...........i gave up pretty much everything for him and now hes f**ed off- 15 years down the pan. He tells me and 20 mins later hes gone.............

[Startingagain88]

Thank you MCP, I know what youre saying is true but its so hard to accept-this all happened an hour ago...........

No kids thank god but we had talked about trying this year........... :(

[VanderElsken]

Dear Starting, I am so sorry this has happened to you and I sympathise so much. You must be very shocked and upset and at sea.

Firstly, take a deep breath and listen, I promise you this is going to be alright. It's a good thing you haven't had kids and there's lots of things about this situation which you will one day soon see as extremely important and lucky for you. I know that sounds like nonsense but trust me that's true.

I know this is going to be difficult to hear but it will be the case that as time goes on, you're going to discover this was worse than he is making out. There's a pattern and a script to these things and people don't claim not to love their partner for eight months then leave to be with someone they have only had a few drinks with. He's telling you what he thinks he can get away with telling you and pretending its's protecting you.

Right now you need to surround yourself with people who do care, even if it's us on here, and you need to prepare to get angry. This man has not been stressed he's been cheating and detaching from you. You have to start detaching from him and thinking about all the ways your life can be better without him. and it will be. no one who's been sponging off you financially and making you feel insecure and devastated is the right partner for you. She's welcome to him.

The house can wait, first of all give yourself a break, find some time for yourself or with people who care about you, and slowly start to think about what you want YOUR life to look like, not as a bank account and skivvy to him, but as a start living for yourself, not for someone else. One day this will be exciting. i promise.

But this man is not a friend to you, you know he's done you wrong. I know it's been a really really long time and that's tough, but a relationship can become like a habit, you're scared because it's all such a shock and unknown. But that doesn't mean you actually will miss HIM. He's lying to you, things are probably more serious with this woman and so he's become infatuated. It's nothing you could have done, nothing you could have been, cheaters have to start detaching and dehumanising their partner to allow themselves to stray. You need to know that to start thinking screw him, let him think he's got one over on you, you are better than that. You are not someone for him to mess around and pretend to pity. Think about yourself and what you need. It's going to hurt for a while, but one day, I promise, it's going to seem like the best step you ever took.

[tallwivglasses]

Breathe, eat, drink. Do you have to work in the morning?

[tallwivglasses]

Oh and what Vander said

[Startingagain88]

Vander= thank you so much for your kindness- I haven't cried since it happened but your kind words have made me shed a tear.........

It hasn't sunk in yet i know- i let him be my world you see..i shut out the rest of the world and now im paying the price- i haven't got anyone to talk to- you wonderful people are my lifeline...

He said he wants to 'talk to me properly about it ' and will come round tomorrow afternoon- but what is there to talk about he upped and left...........???

You knocked the nail on the head when you said - i'm at sea - thats exactly how i feel..............

[Startingagain88]

Thank you TWG- i need all the friends i can get- I'm trying to breathe but my mouth is dry and my hands are clammy- how could he do this to me.....?

[Diggs]

only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I would presume from that statement he has been having an affair for 8 months . As vander says this isnt about you , or your relationship , its about him . It is devastating , but youll get through it and come out a stronger person with a better life . I cringe when i remember how devestated i was when this happened to me , but i am honestly now glad he did , i am so much happier .

[Startingagain88]

Diggs, its so good to hear from someone who has got through this..........i need to hear some positive things as all i can think is negative thoughts at the moment- he's in bed with her now isn't he? My whole life has been turned upside down in twenty minutes..............................

[RachyRach30]

Hi,

I feel awful for you, how cane he do this for 8 months what a selfish man.

When you gave up your job was it to work with him in his new venture? Have you invested financially in it? How's the venture doing? He defiantley owes you after the way he has been carrying on .

[Startingagain88]

Hi RR30, Yes i was doing the marketing, paperwork admin side of things.....i bought the van invested set up money the lot about £4,000 in all................up until last week i was saying that perhaps i should get a job as it is so quiet and he was saying no i need you to help me...........he did make some really good money last and what he earnt was ours.........he shared it freely...........

[VanderElsken]

Hi Starting, I completely understand and I;m so sorry. Sometimes the person who is receiving the most in the relationship is actually the one who scuppers it, because they are naturally 'entitled' and selfish by nature, so they think they deserve whatever they bloody want. As has often been said round these parts, it's when someone stops giving to their relationship that they tend to have an affair, and that makes them give even less. It's nothing to do with you. None of this is your fault. You'll never make a man your world again, after this, and I know it sounds absolutely crazy, but this will have taught you a lesson about yourself that you will prize later in your life when you have other, better relationships.

Bear in mind that he will probably soften the edges of the truth for you tomorrow when he talks to you. If you want to, you can get angry with him, you can demand the truth and if you do that, there are strategies you can use to get it and we'll all help you here. But most of us are too vulnerable and fragile to get to that place so quickly. So you might just want to listen and quietly judge him and have a bit of a cry and let him say what he thinks you'll believe and then just come away and think about it. Whatever you want is okay.

The one thing that will unsettle him and help you is to be cold. He will expect you to beg him or to break down or to basically need him like crazy. He does not expect you to detach from him. The way you've described it actually I sense underneath you have pretty good self-esteem, but that he's eclipsed it for the last few years. I think there was a you before him and I think he's probably forgotten that along with you a bit.

If you want to talk to him AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT NOW but if you do, remember that anger and even hate are important parts of breaking up with someone. This guy wants to walk away from you feeling like a decent guy. He isn't. He's cheated on you (I think and I think you should assume this) and taken advantage of you a bit. He doesn't really realise how HE'S going to feel being apart from you yet, he's expecting you to bend over backwards and to give him all the emotion and affection and shared turmoil of this. Don't. Keep it all for yourself. He's going to be shocked, believe me, if he suddenly sees you able to exist without him, separately. He's had a hell of a lot more time to prepare for this than you but believe me he still really has no fucking idea what losing you means. Even if you have to fake it, be cool and hard if you can. It will freak him out. He thinks he knows way more than you and has control of the situation. He doesn't. You're not a victim, you may have just had a very lucky escape. you may well just have had the rest of you life begin.

[tallwivglasses]

Listen. You Are Going To Be Okay.

Okay? You know that.

[tallwivglasses]

Oh bloody hell, I'm stopping now. Disregard my last post and listen to Vander

[izzyizin]

Let's get practical: Is the van in your name? What about the property you live in? Is it owned/rented in joint names?

Is he going to require further funds to keep his business going? What chance do you have of finding any work to support yourself in the near future?

[Startingagain88]

Thank you both Vander and TWG for your support- i was really worried that none would answer me..........

The thing is we had many happy years and he isnt a bad person by nature, he is a hard worker and treated me very well up until recently- he had become very distant as the business was not going his way-and he struggles when he does not 'feel like a man' so to speak...

I think he feels this woman makes him feel like a man and respected when all i do he nag him...... what i can believe is that after 15 years he dropped this bombshell and walked out all within 20 mins....

[RachyRach30]

Hi,

What will happen to the business when you split up? He does owe you the money you invested if you will have no part in the business when you go your separate ways

[Startingagain88]

I don't know what I will say when he comes tomorrow- im afraid that i will beg him to stay..........

[RachyRach30]

Yes it is a big bombshell. It's awful how he can just throw away 15 years but you know you have helped him so much and you are a good woman, many men would be pleased to have somebody so loving and supportive.

[Startingagain88]

RR30- TBH he can have the money i don't want it -he can continue it on his own..........

[Prforone]

Starting, what has happened to you is horrible. And I feel for you as I went through something similar last New Year's Eve. Basically found out DP had been sleeping with his ex-wife behind my back. I was devastated because to me he was everything (I have lost both parents too so know how easy it is to become reliant on partners for emotional support instead).

Anyway, long story short, I was devastated and believed I had lost my whole world when I found out what he had done. And then slowly, over time, the upset turned to anger at how I'd become such a doormat and let him hurt me. Then that anger became feeling angry towards him for treating me that way, and strangely that kind of anger felt good and positive in that I was beginning to realise he wasn't worth my air space.

Funnily enough, he arranged to come round tonight to collect some stuff. I was dreading it, but when I saw him all I could think was " you pathetic little man" and how much I pitied him for being so spineless. He even told me he still loved me. Two months ago I probably would have crumbled and taken him back for saying that, but I just shrugged and realised I could do a hell of a lot better than being treated like that.

I know it hurts like hell at the moment but, I promise you, it gets better. It's damning when you feel you have lost everyone you hold dear, isn't it? But I know from my own experience what wonderful support you can get from the lovely people on here and you will one day realise you deserve someone who loves and respects you and doesn't string you along. Never settle for second best!

Stay strong, big hugs xxxxx

[Startingagain88]

Thank you RR30 -you are all being so kind- you are really saving me now- its great to know that someone cares..........thank you all so much

[RachyRach30]

Do you have any family, friends talk too? It's only natural for you to want him to stay you still love him and this has only just happened, but he has left you tonight on your own and he is with the ow. He isn't showing his caring side, leaving you alone and hurt.