Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How red are these flags?

(396 Posts)
OBlimey Wed 15-Jun-11 09:02:59

Just started dating someone again after some time on my own after end of a long term relationship.

Met someone a few months ago, but having a few doubts/niggles and not sure if I am being paranoid.

These are the issues...

- Divorced twice at 42, possible cheating on his part, both marriages a few years only

- Starting to talk about children on third date

- Blows hot and cold

- Hates making plans in advance but likes me to be around with little notice

- Any disagreement means silent treatment

- Caught him out in a few lies, not even big ones but there was just no need?

- Likes to big himself up? Not sure why, and appear more well to do than he is?

- Seems to like being in control if that makes sense

Other silly things but I am getting very wary!

Other than that a great guy but reading these boards I am getting jittery

hester Wed 15-Jun-11 09:05:02

EVery single one of those is a red flag, I'm afraid.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 15-Jun-11 09:05:04

They are splendidly, glowingly crimson, OBlimey, and they're waving fit to bust. Run away, run away!

Run like fuck. As fast as your feet can carry you. Far far away.

Sorry.

buzzsore Wed 15-Jun-11 09:07:28

Seems like a lot of red flags to me.

BarbaraBar Wed 15-Jun-11 09:07:55

"Other than that a great guy"

I can't see anything appealing about him at all. He's probably a great guy when everything is going his way and he's in control.

Head for the hills. You can do so much better than that.

IwanttobeShirleyValentine Wed 15-Jun-11 09:10:29

Time to knock this one on the head and run for the hills IMO!!

echt Wed 15-Jun-11 09:11:52

Shit. Ferk. Hell.

Kick him to the kerb. You know it makes sense.

OBlimey Wed 15-Jun-11 09:13:47

Annie that made me laugh so much!!!!

Plus points are that he is a great guy, sex is fantastic, get on well, he loves animals etc but doesn't seem to have many close friends, and is awkward when meeting mine who think he is odd

He seems to have been single for a while after end of marriage, or lots of short term relationships, told me he loves me.

Just wondering if all of them together bode ill as I don't know him very well yet, controlling examples ( silly I know)

1) If I can't make one night as busy, he will then say ok I can't make next night even when I know he is free?

2) I always walk a certain way to work, he insists another way is quicker, it isn't, but we do it

3) I usually answer texts instantly if am about, as do he, if I am busy and can't answer immediately he then will wait hours to reply himself? though glued to his phone at all times

OBlimey Wed 15-Jun-11 09:14:55

O my god, just read the other comments

You all think these are very bad signs then?

Is it the 2 divorces?

NO not the divorces per se, it's the children talk on the third date, the cheating, the lot of it together.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 15-Jun-11 09:17:23

Oblimey

Big red crimson coloured flags all round I am sorry to say. I would walk away before you get any further drawn in. He is not a great guy at all for you to be involved with.

What are you actually getting from this relationship?. Okay so the sex is good but look at what else is going on here. This is all this relationship is. A good time in bed does not even begin to make up for any of the other problems going on here and within this dysfunctional relationship.

buzzsore Wed 15-Jun-11 09:18:23

I think the 'not having friends' and awkward when meeting your friends are also possible red flags.

"Awkwardness" might turn into not wanting to see your friends, not wanting you to see your friends. Thus limiting your social life and starting to isolate you.

perfumedlife Wed 15-Jun-11 09:19:20

He insists his way is quicker? hmm I've left men for that alone grin

Seriously, not the divorces, everything else is screaming control freak. Run like the wind.

Love and chrildren are very presumptious at this stage too, no?

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 15-Jun-11 09:21:59

Oblimey,

Red flags for me are basically all that you describe re him in your first post but the big issues that stand out a mile to me are:-

Likes to be in control

Well dodgy relationship history

Blows hot and cold

Is talking children on third date

Likes to keep you hanging

Likes to big himself up

Lies about himself

I don't think you know him at all actually.

I would run away from this bloke and get your relationship radar reset because such men actively prey on emotionally vulnerable women with an innate low self esteem/worth.

Doodlez Wed 15-Jun-11 09:23:06

He's a car crash. Bail out.

Everything listed together spells misery for you. You don't need a man like like this in your life - ever.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 15-Jun-11 09:25:00

Two more possible indicators:-

He has no close friends and is awkward when you are meeting your friends who think he is odd. Why do you also think they are saying that?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 15-Jun-11 09:25:33

Did you meet this man online?

SunRaysthruClouds Wed 15-Jun-11 09:28:34

He needs help.

But not from you. Time to go.

OBlimey Wed 15-Jun-11 09:29:31

You are all making me laugh!!!!

Hes great company, can chat for hours etc, my friends think hes funny because he made himself a double barrelled name to sound posh if you know what I mean when he isn't, I thought it was endearing?.

Have tried to bin a few times but he keeps coming back, and I know I am vulnerable at the moment as still a bit on the rebound.

The lies were so stupid as well, not even important and I thought it was strange to do that.

Not on speaking terms with his exes, who he describes as crazy which I was alarmed at

OBlimey Wed 15-Jun-11 09:30:22

No I met him a while ago, just friends, when I split from long term partner he immediately came on strong?

throckenholt Wed 15-Jun-11 09:31:15

I would be very wary - it all adds up to someone who is not behaving like a rational adult.

put him down and walk away carefully !

throckenholt Wed 15-Jun-11 09:32:34

oh - your last two comments (cross posted) are very worrying. I was wondering if he might be diffucult to lose - now it seems like that might be a big problem.

Be careful.

Anniegetyourgun Wed 15-Jun-11 09:35:19

Well if he's a great shag, keep him around to enliven the occasional boring evening, but don't plan on making a life with him. Mind you, even that sounds too much like hard work - this tit-for-tat phone non-answering sounds incredibly childish. If scoring points off you is more important to him than seeing you, seriously, what do his protestations of "love" mean?

You can't be dating my XH because however much he lied about his age you wouldn't buy 42. But there's a few of 'em around.

buzzsore Wed 15-Jun-11 09:35:50

No no no:
Alleged "crazy exes" - red flag.
Won't be binned - red flag.
Lies casually, pointlessly & needlessly - red flag.
Tries to make himself out to be something he isn't - red flag.

Run far far away!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now