Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can anyone talk to me about sub/dom relationships?

(586 Posts)
CuriousSub Fri 10-Dec-10 00:11:01

Right, well, I have been here a loooong time but have name changed for this.

I came to these boards when I found out about my stbxh's affair and the advice here was great and really helped. I went through hell for 3 years but I am now in the process of divorcing him.

So now I am testing the water and have frequented some dating sites and have been speaking to a gorgeous guy who is far too young for me and we got to talking about what we like. It turns out I love being dominated and he was looking for a sub.

Sooo, we have been texting, emailing and now speaking to each other and the whole idea is driving me mad with desire. I am actually short of breath when he suggests things.

This is something I hadn't even thought about before but I definitely want to see this through. He wants to meet and I would love to.

But I wanted to ask here is anyone has been/is a sub? What is expected of you? Where is the best place to look for advice/ideas?

Sorry, I know it isn't Friday yet - but nearly!!

StuffingGoldBrass Fri 10-Dec-10 00:30:04

YOu could try www.informedconsent.com where there are loads of people who could give you advice, but here's some basic stuff.

You don't have to do things you don't want to do just because you are the sub in the scene. Everyone is different WRT the things they like and dislike sexually, including BDSM people (some like spanking, some like ropes, some like masks, etcetc)

If you meet this man, meet him in a public place, don't give him your home address and tell a friend where you are going (this is basic internet dating stuff not just BDSM and anyone who objects to it is a tosser or indeed dangerous).

booyhohoho Fri 10-Dec-10 00:33:34

for me it would only be with someone i knew and trusted that i would try it TBH. maybe that is just me but i would need to know that person would stop when i needed them to.

StuffingGoldBrass Fri 10-Dec-10 00:48:13

Same as with any new sexual partner really though booy - you need to feel comfortable with the person and if you don't feel comfortable, walk away.
Most people who like BDSM are very keen on prior negotiation and safewords and making sure the other person is enjoying it all. An arsehole is an arsehole whether kinky or straight.

booyhohoho Fri 10-Dec-10 00:53:01

agree, i just feel that when you're getting into sub/dom then you really need to know they'll stop.that would mean not going near that with someone i had just met, for me anyway. i know others are more comfortable with their own intuition and know if they can trust someone new.

CuriousSub Fri 10-Dec-10 00:56:24

He has promised to take it very slowly. We haven't agreed to meet yet. I am thinking about it.

We have talked/texted lots.

I feel comfortable with him. I am not a youngster, I think I know what could go wrong but it is hard with this sort of relationship. I am not going to be his girlfriend. This is just for fun.

CuriousSub Fri 10-Dec-10 00:57:52

BTW, thanks for responding SGB and Booy smile

CuriousSub Fri 10-Dec-10 01:02:45

I will check back in the morning

SurreyAmazon Fri 10-Dec-10 03:51:49

So what are we talking about age wise? (his, not yours) not that you have to tell me, but does help place your post in context (some subs can be asked to play ‘mommy’).

From my own personal experience, I will say that there are some aspects that I did like, for example, choking was er, an interesting experience. The name calling was fun, to name a few; filthy cunt, dirty slut, cum bucket, jizz stain, slore, my little fucktoy, cockwhore, strap whore. I adored bondage.

Then there were others, which made me feel uncomfortable; collaring (I said no), the suggestion of scat play (Gross and I said no. P.s. have you seen 2 girls and a cup? Icky). Insertion of unusual items (I said no) into various orifices (yeah...I said no to that to).

As you can see, I was a pretty rubbish sub
grin.

I have come to realise that a lot of male doms mistakenly believe subs must be humiliated (as opposed to it being a power exchange), and therefore try and see how much humiliation the sub can take making the whole thing unpleasant. *shrugs*

Anabellesmumanddad Fri 10-Dec-10 05:17:45

I highly recommend the writing of Dan Savage for this kind of stuff. He has tons of good advice and years of experience advising people on these kind of relationships. He had all his previous columns on the website and you can browse them for related content.
Just google Dan Savage. He writes for a paper called the Stranger. He also does popcasts and that archive is a little easier to browse.

Definitely research this.

but here is what I remember from his columns (no personal experience sorry).

1. Meet in a public place.
2. DONT agree to 'play' on a first date
3. Make sure someone you trust has his contact details and tell him you have done so
4. Talk through your rules and your limits before you play.
5. Start out slow and communicate the whole time
6. Have a safe word which you both understand to mean STOP!
7. Check in afterwards that everything was ok
8. Have FUN and tell us all about it :-)

needafootmassage Fri 10-Dec-10 07:36:03

It can be amazing, playful and intense, but all the usualy pitfalls of internet dating apply. Follow your instincts - the moment you find you're ignoring some small thing that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable in your head, alarm bells should ring. (Of course this applies for any internet dating)

Look after yourself emotionally and don't jump in too quickly; make sure you really do like the person he is and that he is seeing you the same way, i.e. if you're looking for a long term relationship and he really only wants a playmate, find that out at the start and don't invest hope in the idea that he will change his mind.

If he isn't respecting you on an overall level, he isn't worth it.

Communication becomes doubly important when you are having potentially illegal things done to you - talk, talk, talk. If you are new to this, you need someone who will take huge care of you during a scene, putting your sense of security foremost - he should want to know how you feel about stuff.

Most importantly, make clear what you DON'T want to happen (it's easier than writing the script for what you DO want to happen), have hard limits and expect them to be respected. If he tries to suggest you're a rubbish sub because you won't agree to everything he wants, run a mile, he's a manipulative bastard like any other manipulative bastard. Having submissive feelings does not mean you are a doormat or deserve to be treated as such.

Another recommendation for Informed Consent - a great website if a little eye opening at times! I met my wonderful submissive DP through IC and am enjoying the most honest, equal (on one level!) and playful relationship I could ever have imagined having.

StuffingGoldBrass Fri 10-Dec-10 09:44:32

Also, one easy, early red flag - if your partner talks about 'proper' or 'real' BDSM as a way of implying there are certain things you must do like it or not, dump the person. Because s/he is an idiot.
Most BDSMers are fine. There are a few, not many, male doms who don't like women and think that the fetish world is a great way of justifiying domestic abuse but they generally give themselves away pretty quickly.
If you are in doubt about anything, ask other fetish people wink

CuriousSub Fri 10-Dec-10 10:14:13

Thanks all. I will answer soome of your questions

surreyamazon, I am 46 and he is 26 blush. I really didn't set out to find a younger guy but I have been approached by a few but usually ignored them (I have looked after myself and I am quite slim and fit). We chatted for a while and he is definitely mature iyswim, doesn't come across as a youngster - oh, and he has a body to die for <<<sighs>>>

He asked me what I like and what I dont like. He said he is a good dom and promised to be good to me. He says he has trained one sub before but she moved away.

I will check out the websites you have all mentioned and make sure I proceed with caution.

If you have been a sub, what I am interested to know is are you always in that role when you are with the other person or do you meet, chat and then become the sub/dom roles when you are in the gear???

Elmtree1Ems Fri 10-Dec-10 10:19:11

Hi, if the site is alt go to a post called 'for newcomers and not so newcomers' (theres a search function on the blog main page).

Great place to start.

If he says anytihng about 'true' or 'real' run run run!!!

Take it slow, agree on limits and safewords etc.

If you want to talk privately then message me and I will give you my FL handle. :-)

CuriousSub Fri 10-Dec-10 11:49:12

I take it the "True" or "Real" label is for the hardcore?

He hasn't said anything like that. In fact when he asked what I didn't like I said pain and he said that was fine as we would just do a bit of spanking. Nothing too serious.

I have told him I am quite nervous and he said we would take it very slowly. I do feel reassured.

TiggyD Fri 10-Dec-10 12:18:09

I agree that Informed Consent is the website to go on.

On the whole everybody has a good idea what the rules of a regular relationship are. For a D/s relationship you both need to agree on some different rules, but if those rules get broken, get out.

As in all relationships, watch out for your brain taking a holiday and letting emotions taking over.

And don't forget to have fun!

berries Fri 10-Dec-10 12:50:49

I'll echo the 'take it slow' comments. There are a lot of nutters out there and it's not always obvious.

As with any new person, make sure you assess any potential risks beforehand, let someone know when/where you're meeting and meet in a neutral place before agreeing to play.

It may sound obvious, but don't agree to bondage etc the first time - you can work up to that when you're more comfortable. And don't discount the endorphin rush you can get. Can be really good but may also come with corresponding crash afterwards lol.

As to whether you're 'in role' all the time, it's whatever works for the pair of you. I'm very dominant normally but there is one person who can bring out my sub side just by raising his eyebrow :-)

Fetlife is a good site for information and general chat. Happy to share my fl name if you pm me.

pottonista Fri 10-Dec-10 13:03:55

Buy 'Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns' (google it) - it's a good primer on doing D/S in a safe and grownup way.

Have fun!

CuriousSub Fri 10-Dec-10 13:35:06

I was wondering about that too Berries. I am normally dominant and I am a very independent woman but it gets me so hot to be told what to do in a sexual relationship and the thought of being tied up makes my knees go weak!

I will be safe and we wont do bondage too soon although I will look forward to that grin

SerendipitousHarlot Fri 10-Dec-10 13:39:21

Quite often the way, Curious, the opposite thing - I am very... shall we say feisty grin IRL, but I definitely prefer being dominated in a sexual situation.

Have fun, and stay safe!

CuriousSub Fri 10-Dec-10 17:16:20

Just read surreyamazons post again - Eeeewww to playing Mummy - I have enough of that here shock although I am old enough blush

Tiggy I really dont think emotions are going to come into this. I have no intentions of meeting his folks or him meeting my friends or family. This is a private arrangement. I cant see love having any part of this - just lust!

Berries I shall take a look at Fetlife now.

StuffingGoldBrass Fri 10-Dec-10 19:15:43

'True' or 'Real' BDSM is a term used by know-nothing bucketheads, to be honest. People who know what they are doing and are good to be around know that what works is up to the individuals concerned and that it's fundamentally about mutual enjoyment.
WHere are you based (roughly) CS? I can give you some tips for clubs/social events if you like.

CuriousSub Fri 10-Dec-10 20:35:25

Thanks SGB, I am in Scotland, Central area.

My dom contact says he knows of some fetish clubs that he would love to take me to. Probably in Glasgow. That sounds a bit scary - maybe one for the future!

I have mentioned tonight that I want us to meet up before we play. Even if just for a short time and he said he would do whatever made me feel comfortable.

StuffingGoldBrass Fri 10-Dec-10 21:48:24

CS: Absolutely right to insist on meeting before any action. Remember that until you have met someone, you don't know if you are actually going to want to do anything sexual with them. He might smell, or the photo he sent you may be 20 years old.
THough it's a good sign that he agreed and wants you to feel comfortable, he most probably is a nice bloke who happens to be into BDSM.
I'm afraid my knowledge of the Scottish scene is about 15 years out of date (and in my day it was a lot about the club owners quarreling with each other and whining to the rest of the UK about how horrible the Other Lot were, used to drive me batshit) but (again) IC will be useful here.
Best of luck with it all anyway. You are welcome to PM me if you want to ask any more stuff that you don't want to share with the rest of MN grin.

CuriousSub Fri 10-Dec-10 22:00:30

Thanks SGB. Have I seen before that you have your own website?

He is blowing my mind at the moment. He has just texted to say that he has spoken to an old fuck buddy who is happy to join in at a future date. Apparently she is 23 and hot (I had told him I would love to go with a woman but had never had the nerve).

See what I mean??

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now