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People keep having sex in my hedge...

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eurgh Mon 25-Jun-18 17:00:14

I guess it's more of a WWYD as I know I'm NBU but every few nights people (I assume the same two) keep having sex in the hedge which divides my back garden from the road behind. It's pretty brazen because there's no real cover to hide under!
Every few nights I'll be out sitting with my new rescue dog and letting her potter about and I'll hear my hedge making groany sex noises. I'm so tempted to cough loudly or say something but for some reason I just keep quiet and feel weird listening to other people's sex noises!
So I guess more for fun, I ask you, what would you do?

Reaa Mon 25-Jun-18 17:01:23

"Don't you have somewhere else to go" would be my response.

Namastethefuckawayfromme Mon 25-Jun-18 17:01:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Redglitter Mon 25-Jun-18 17:01:32

I'd decide it was time my hedge had a watering and turn the hose on it

Deshasafraisy Mon 25-Jun-18 17:01:33

Water pistol

fruitbrewhaha Mon 25-Jun-18 17:02:14

I have sex in my bush

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Mon 25-Jun-18 17:03:16

I'm so tempted to cough loudly or say something

I can’t imagine why you haven’t!! confused just tell them to fuck off.

rosesandflowers1 Mon 25-Jun-18 17:04:01

Put up a polite notice smile

If that doesn't stop them, they're clearly shameless so a loud "do you mind" or a hose is more appropriate.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Mon 25-Jun-18 17:04:31

I need to see a photo of This hedge to understand why they’re choosing it to shag in.

MeMyselfand Mon 25-Jun-18 17:04:50

confused start doing a David Attenborough commentary whenever they are at it

5foot5 Mon 25-Jun-18 17:05:20

Is your do trained to "fetch"?

Could you maybe lob a ball or a stick or something in to the hedge and get your dog to go in after it then see what fun ensues?

Tomorrowillbeachicken Mon 25-Jun-18 17:05:42

Hose out of window

5foot5 Mon 25-Jun-18 17:05:44

"dog" not "do"

Cornettoninja Mon 25-Jun-18 17:06:32


Perfect weather to encourage pests in that particular area or encourage your dog to go to the toilet there...

Tomorrowillbeachicken Mon 25-Jun-18 17:06:34

fruitbrew perhaps you need a trim

Timeisslippingaway Mon 25-Jun-18 17:07:01

Why wouldn't you say anything!

Tarrarra Mon 25-Jun-18 17:07:14

Can you pop some manure under it, to make it a less appealing spot? Failing that just a few of your dog poos?? 😃

HandPickedEklderflower Mon 25-Jun-18 17:07:17

Is it 2 of your neighbours in a clandestine relationship? pretending to
walk their dogs?

My DF kept meeting 2 of our neighbours a couple of minutes apart up in the hills dog walking. Village scandal of the century when their affair was exposed-only one not surprised- my father.

eurgh Mon 25-Jun-18 17:07:29

@MeMyselfand oh that would be so good I'll have to work on my voice!
I don't know why I haven't said something really. I don't know why but I think I feel rude disturbing their coitus confusedhmm
Hedge photo coming up

fruitbrewhaha Mon 25-Jun-18 17:07:37

What time are they doing it? it's still so light at the moment, it's not completely dark until gone 11pm.

Shine a big torch at them?

Purplehammer Mon 25-Jun-18 17:08:15

Ask if they fancy a threesome.

eurgh Mon 25-Jun-18 17:08:34

The hedge!

sexnotgender Mon 25-Jun-18 17:08:50

Definitely hose the cheeky fuckers.

Dobbythesockelf Mon 25-Jun-18 17:09:04

People regularly have sex in your hedge? Do you live close to a dogging site or something? A one off I could understand but regularly it seems odd.
But my dh works in a car garage and has lost count of the amount of times people have had sex on the car bonnets on a weekend night but he does work next to a nightclub. CCTV doesn't deter drunks either.
I would give them a round of applause when they finish. Might embarrass them or if it is a dogging site they might think you want to join in.....

femidom12 Mon 25-Jun-18 17:09:07

That's disgusting CF's should respect your privet(cy)

Windmyonlyfriend Mon 25-Jun-18 17:09:14

Creep up close to the hedge on your side and start making sex noises back at them. If they stop, you stop. If they start again, so do you.

I’ve done that to noisy neighbours before. Puts them right off their stride.

Sirzy Mon 25-Jun-18 17:09:26

Motion activated light focused on the hedge?

AForegoneConclusion Mon 25-Jun-18 17:09:41

Sprinkler, megaphone and flood light! Think one of those huge torches you use for industrial use if you can find one to borrow. Wait for it to get going and fire up the sprinkler, whack on the torch and start making announcements. Video it obviously.

LighthouseSouth Mon 25-Jun-18 17:10:20

I would just shout "hey, you have as much sex as you want - but not on my property".

JoanofSarc Mon 25-Jun-18 17:11:54

Surely David Bellamy rather than David Attenborough for this particular documentary? wink

eurgh Mon 25-Jun-18 17:11:57

To be fair they are not ON my property they are right the other side on the next residential street!
I haven't lived here long so no hose as yet - may invest soon!

AornisHades Mon 25-Jun-18 17:12:14

Balance an open tin of paint above their 'spot'.

Storm4star Mon 25-Jun-18 17:13:21

Don't have any advice to offer but you should definitely win the "best thread title" award grin

Actually, technically, sex in a public place is an offence and I did once see two people prosecuted for it. What was really funny, is one pleaded guilty, one pleaded not guilty confused

So I would say that if it is making you feel uncomfortable then you should say something, or make a noise to let them know you're there.

SilverDragonfly1 Mon 25-Jun-18 17:13:28

Uninstall the johnny machine.

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Mon 25-Jun-18 17:14:14

Shout loudly that you hope they are using a condom and would they like a poo bag to wrap it up and take it home??

eurgh Mon 25-Jun-18 17:14:23

@JoanofSarc that made me laugh - maybe I should just stick my arms through the hedge and really freak them out - it usually happens anywhere between dusk and midnight

THEsonofaBITCH Mon 25-Jun-18 17:14:45

I can’t imagine why you haven’t!! just tell them to fuck off
But that's why OP is here, that's apparently what they are doing! grin
I agree, get the hose out and water the hedge!

IreneWinters Mon 25-Jun-18 17:14:59

Pour some honey on the ground to attract ants.

Peg a large grey pair of granny pants or old y fronts full of holes to the bush with a note saying they left these last night and would they mind being a little louder tonight because you can't quite hear them from the patio?

Take a deckchair down and sit next to the bush with a video camera and professional looking lighting.

AsAProfessionalFekko Mon 25-Jun-18 17:15:54

Plant some holly or something thorny?

WigglyBlossom Mon 25-Jun-18 17:16:51

No hose? Bucket of water then. With ice in it grin

eurgh Mon 25-Jun-18 17:17:16

Haha to be honest I'm not all that bothered I've just never had this sort of situation before. I would be hesitant to say anything really as some of the people nearby aren't the nicest and without knowing who is doing the nasty I might make life a bit harder for myself.
If I was really bothered I would report - I just thought it would be entertaining to see how others would deal with it as I'm a bit of a self confessed weirdo

MrsFoxPlus4 Mon 25-Jun-18 17:17:39

Super soaker and water balloons

Ginkypig Mon 25-Jun-18 17:18:02

Could it be sex workers.

One of the last places I lived the stairs and lobby of the flats used to used quite regularly by sex workers, it was in the "red light" district of the city.

sleepingdragons Mon 25-Jun-18 17:18:13

Your response might depend on who's doing it.

Is it teenagers? Or prostitutes & "clients" AKA arseholes? Or drunk people from a local venue? Doggers?

Sharkwithknees Mon 25-Jun-18 17:18:14

A loud alarm in the hedge, that you can activate remotely grin

GeorgeTheHippo Mon 25-Jun-18 17:19:16

Definitely water the hedge

GardenGeek Mon 25-Jun-18 17:19:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topseyt Mon 25-Jun-18 17:20:07

Get a hose as a matter of urgency.

I would make sure I was out watering the garden when they started and then, oops, suddenly manage to "misdirect" my hose over/through the hedge onto them. Better still if you have a kärcher jetwash.

GardenGeek Mon 25-Jun-18 17:20:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoNotheresnolyrics Mon 25-Jun-18 17:21:00

Can we have a diagram please?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Mon 25-Jun-18 17:21:16

Creep up close to the hedge on your side and start making sex noises back at them. If they stop, you stop. If they start again, so do you.


Kpo58 Mon 25-Jun-18 17:22:45

Get a sprinkler for the garden so it's not so obvious that you are trying to get rid of them compared to watering your garden.

viques Mon 25-Jun-18 17:23:08

Are you sure it isn't hedgehogs? Apparently they are very loud and go on for hours. Lucky bastards.

The people in the house opposite used to have sex in their car, it was a shared house and i think the car was the only place they could be alone, alone that is except for the beady eyes of the neighbours. A tip for having sex in your car in my street, park it up at the end of the road by the church heard, not outside my house where the streetlamp is.........

BigApple11 Mon 25-Jun-18 17:23:40

Well that's a large bush OP

viques Mon 25-Jun-18 17:23:54


NetballHoop Mon 25-Jun-18 17:24:09

Grind up as many rose-hips as you can and sprinkle them into the hedge. It won't do them any serious harm but will itch like hell.

FermatsTheorem Mon 25-Jun-18 17:24:31

I was going to say hose, but actually the "David Attenborough commentary" suggestion is even better.

Topseyt Mon 25-Jun-18 17:24:40

I have a now elderly labrador who, when still in his youth, once found a shagging young couple next to a hedge and ran up to lick them all over.

That might be a solution?? grin

PortiaCastis Mon 25-Jun-18 17:25:57

Stick somechilli powder on the bushes that'll get em hot.

Are you the same poster that was shagging in the bushes a few weeks ago

ScreamingValenta Mon 25-Jun-18 17:26:28

Spray the hedge with the pongiest fertiliser I could lay my hands on.

Itchytights Mon 25-Jun-18 17:27:07

Hosepipe 100%

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername Mon 25-Jun-18 17:27:50

Putting dog poo under the hedge on their side doesn't incriminate you but would be very off putting.

Singlenotsingle Mon 25-Jun-18 17:27:52

Put the radio on? It might put them off their stride

Nikephorus Mon 25-Jun-18 17:28:20

Stand nearby and shout out helpful comments ' It's not very big is it?' 'I can see why you wait til it's dark' 'No, you're doing it all wrong' 'They're in the bush Sergeant, but they'll be finished soon because he's not exactly a stayer' grin

Fadingmemory Mon 25-Jun-18 17:28:32

Record a round of applause/cheering and play it when they finish. Also, I am sure your hedge needs watering during hot weather...

kitkatsky Mon 25-Jun-18 17:29:10

Hose pipe!

Pinga Mon 25-Jun-18 17:30:14

Id offer up a verdict - Strictly come dancing style. "Seven!!"

mindutopia Mon 25-Jun-18 17:31:25

No suggestions, but I used to run in a particular park that attracted a large population of people sleeping rough. I used to run past this one very large hedge and about once a week there would be the same scraggly older man in there furiously jerking off. He became ‘jerking off guy’. After about two years I was actually quite fond of him.

georgiekay1 Mon 25-Jun-18 17:31:26

Pressure wash them thats what id do.

eurgh Mon 25-Jun-18 17:31:57

@Topseyt lol at the thought of a karcher jet washer 😂

eurgh Mon 25-Jun-18 17:34:36

@viques I've never heard any of my local hedgehogs ask for a finger in the bum... grin

IreneWinters Mon 25-Jun-18 17:34:59

Actually OP ,I think you're being a bit of a poor host. You should decorate the area for them - nice faux fur throw on the ground, lots of candles and rose petals sprinkled around, some condoms in a nice dish, bit of bunting...

Topseyt I misread that as "elderly neighbour" rather than "elderly labrador"!

eurgh Mon 25-Jun-18 17:35:56

@PortiaCastis no I haven't posted about bush shagging before - can't believe how many stealth bush shaggers there must be around!

Vicky1990 Mon 25-Jun-18 17:35:57

Are you sure it's not hedgehogs.

LaundryHepburn Mon 25-Jun-18 17:36:08

Play them this at full volume

eurgh Mon 25-Jun-18 17:36:56

@Pinga I do do a good len goodman

Whirliegigspiders Mon 25-Jun-18 17:38:57

There was a thread like this a few years ago. Was people having an affair! One was a neighbour.

Nousernameforme Mon 25-Jun-18 17:39:00

Stick your head through and ask them if they would like a nice cup of tea when they're finished in the manner of Mrs Doyle from Father Ted.

ShinyMe Mon 25-Jun-18 17:39:45

I'd just pipe up oooh I'd be careful, there's nettles in that hedge!

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Mon 25-Jun-18 17:41:44

I've never heard any of my local hedgehogs ask for a finger in the bum... grin

😂 you’re killing me OP!!

RedToothBrush Mon 25-Jun-18 17:42:19

Cheap phone hidden in the bushes. Make the ringtone a recording of someone saying something that would scare the bejesus out of them.

Ring when required.

Kursk Mon 25-Jun-18 17:43:00

Get some fireworks?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo Mon 25-Jun-18 17:43:16

There was a MNer a few months ago had her neighbour shagging in her garden.

eurgh Mon 25-Jun-18 17:43:29

@RedToothBrush ooh like the 'do you want to play a game' a la Saw....

ToadOfSadness Mon 25-Jun-18 17:43:31

Biggest and brightest flashlight you can find, light up the street with it.

birdonawire1 Mon 25-Jun-18 17:45:03

Movement activated security light?

birdonawire1 Mon 25-Jun-18 17:45:54

Would be great if it had a 5 minute delay to catch them just getting down to it!

placemats Mon 25-Jun-18 17:50:14

Just play bagpipe music. That's enough to put anyone off their stride. Or Rule Britannia. Trust me...

LaContessaDiPlump Mon 25-Jun-18 17:54:01

Boombox playing Barry Manilow, just low enough that you can hear if they suddenly get up and scarper!

Mycatiskillingme Mon 25-Jun-18 17:54:16

Come running out the house frantically shouting into the phone omg my tarantulas have all escaped.

JayZed Mon 25-Jun-18 17:55:11

Creep next to the hedge and when one 'finishes' shout THUNDER BIRDS ARE GO

eurgh Mon 25-Jun-18 17:55:27

@Mycatiskillingme I love that! Or, 'help my black mamba, Betty has escaped into the hedge' 😂

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune Mon 25-Jun-18 17:55:58

Tell the dog he needs to wee in that hedge.

Watch them run!

StormTreader Mon 25-Jun-18 17:56:00

"Oh, I thought you were the nuisance foxes, theyre in that hedge every night around this time moaning and grunting away! Did you see them? I'm planning on buying a hose!"

DickTERFin Mon 25-Jun-18 17:56:26

In your best west country accent bellow "Get 'orf my laaand , you filthy shaaaggers". And then say to the dog "Gwan, Rover, sniff 'um out and bite um in the arse" whilst playing a recording of a shotgun being loaded ala Home Alone.

That should put them off their stride.

GinaCarbonara Mon 25-Jun-18 17:57:12

Have you actually seen them? Are you sure it's not foxes?

Wolfiefan Mon 25-Jun-18 17:57:22

Get some crime type tape and ditch a CSI suit and glove in the bin. Half hanging out. Put up a sign. "Following recently activity in this area forensics have carried out a full sweep. Traces of syphillis and chlamydia have been found. If you have reason to believe you may have been contaminated then please seek medical advice ASAP."

eurgh Mon 25-Jun-18 17:57:56

@GinaCarbonara much like the hedgehogs I've never heard a fox ask for a finger in the bum... 🦊

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Mon 25-Jun-18 17:58:19

Runny honey over their bit of the hedge. They will end up with an amazing collection of insects over them. You could leave them a book on entomology too in case one of them was getting bored.

Otherwise run black cotton thread through the hedge so they can feel it but not see it. When they get going shout to someone in the house (loud enough for the hedge couple to hear) about the huge spiders web in the hedge and how there must be a nest.

comedycentral Mon 25-Jun-18 17:58:33

Rig a hose or a sprinkler in the hedge, when they are at it turn it on 😁😁

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