Child maintenance

[Koyto]

Hi,

Is it unreasonable for me to expect my ex be paying me child maintenance?

Have 60/40 custody agreement in place with ex, I recieve child benefit and uc for our 2 children.
He pays no child maintenance as he says I get all the benefits. He has paid 50% school uniform in 2020, does not buy any clothes for the children in fact tells me when he is "low" on certain clothing at his house. All school trips, fundraising donations, fancy dress outfits for school days etc are provided by me. During lockdown he took no interest in their homeschooling, extra equipment needed I bought ie laptop, printer ink etc

I've stepped down from a well paid job as his hours made my job difficult (his shift patterns changed each time he changed jobs (4 in a year) meaning I had to negotiate my days again with my boss).

I did all the kids laundry during lockdown. Not once did he ask if I was ok for money during lockdown (he worked through it all, I was on furlough).

I will quite often need to collect or drop off the kids when the weather is bad.

When we 1st separated, I put a claim in with cms and he hit the roof, made me feel bad that he wouldn't be able to afford to live close by and the kids would suffer finacially if I didn't stop the claim. I stopped it but he's never offered any money towards anything for the kids off his own back.

Am I being unreasonable? He seems to have a lovely bachelor life, gets 2 clean, tidy children delivered to him every few days and he returns them in clothes that are too small/stained and not worry about them at all until the next time he sees them?

[Happycat1212]

Well just go to cms?

[PandaBabyJuly]

Just because you get the benefits for the children does not mean he doesn't have to contribute.
He has to contribute as it's a 60/40 split.

Contact CMS again.

Your children need more than just school uniform throughout the year; and if he is low on clothes at his house then he should be providing them for the children.

He's already shown he doesn't care about providing for them; you stopped them claim and then he still didn't provide.

[3peassuit]

Go to CMS. If he kicks off again, well, he had a chance to do the right thing financially but he blew it.

[Koyto]

@Happycat1212

Well just go to cms?

My self confidence is very, very low at the moment and he knows how to intimidate and manipulate me. We have a fairly ok relationship but I know that's because he is having it easy and his way, I back down to keep the peace.

[Koyto]

@3peassuit

Go to CMS. If he kicks off again, well, he had a chance to do the right thing financially but he blew it.

You are right. I need advice on what to do when he kicks off, I feel very alone with this, I will still have to see him 2 or 3 times a week :/

[RandomMess]

If you are reliant on UC you cannot afford to back down and keep the peace. Got to CMS and get maintenance.

He has to buy what he need for his place.

Ask for some counselling/therapy from the GP, do the Freedom Programme on line. You need to start advocating what is best for your DC and you & that isn't capitulating to his demands.

[pumpkinpie01]

Another vote for the cms, he is taking advantage of your good nature and he bloody knows it ! If he kicks off just keep stating you are only asking for what you are entitled to and you need more money .

[moochingtothepub]

Go to cms, when kids are 50/50 usually there's no maintenance but the parents are meant to fund everything on their days eg clothes, childcare, clubs etc - in reality what many of us do is one parent pays (me) and he transfers 50% of the cost, never questions it

If he's not paying his share then he should be paying maintenance!

[RandomMess]

You have the DC ready to go hand hand them over at the door, no need to talk etc.

If he gets aggressive shut the door and phone the police.

How old are the DC?

[Koyto]

They are both under 8 @RandomMess
It's been nearly 2 years since we separated in quite traumatic (for me) circumstances, I really thought I'd feel stronger emotionally by now to deal with all this. I've got no back up and the thought of having to see him after I put a claim in fills me with dread!

[RandomMess]

You could arrange hand over in a public place if that feels safer/easier than him coming to your home?

[Koyto]

Thank you for the replies everyone, I just wanted to know what the norm is in this kind of situation and if I am being unreasonable.

[RachelRavenRoth]

Cms.

It isnt peaceful atm is it! So not claiming to keep the peace is pointless.

[Koyto]

@RandomMess he wouldn't touch me but might kick a door etc, it's his anger I will find hard to deal with. Last time cms were involved he rang me multiple times to complain/rage/gain sympathy, handovers were tense.. lots of "come talk to me away from the kids" then lose his temper/plead.. and of course the kids could hear

[GettingItOutThere]

he should pay maintenance, end of.

but, if you want to "compromise" tell him he needs to provide all clothes/meals/half school trips etc, with him or you will go to CMS

[RandomMess]

Block him from your phone and say email only.

Don't let him in your home or meet him outside the local police station.

Do you have court ordered contact?

Keep evidence of his abuse towards you and get a non/molestation order against him if necessary.

He is just a bully nothing more.

[EL8888]

Another vote for a CMS claim. He’s taking the piss. It’s especially shit of him to say supplies of their clothes are running low at his house . You aren’t the clothes fairy.

[RandomMess]

With 60/40 he should pay CMS and pay for what he needs at his house such as clean underwear, pjs, a couple of changes of clothes, toiletries etc. Obviously you share regular footwear and coats etc but you shouldn't be packing a bag for them and getting dirty laundry back.

On his weekdays he should be collecting and returning to school.

[Koyto]

No, there is no court order, we started at 50/50ish then 60/40 in the last 6 months (although some of those months have been more like 70/30)
There is nothing to keep track of, he's nice as pie because he's got it so good. He's happy to let me make all the decisions regarding the kids, for example medical issues, home schooling, after school activities etc

[Koyto]

I can see from these replies I've been such a wet lettuce. I had no idea what's normal, feel like I've been brainwashed!

[RandomMess]

Keep a record of overnights. Start off with how many nights he is having them at the moment so it's about 40%.

Keep a record on your calendar for evidence when it is reviewed in 12 months or so.

[Koyto]

I've always made a note in my phone calendar of when they stay at his ever since we separated. No idea why I did that but glad I have now! One smart thing I've done at least.

[RandomMess]

Well you can honestly tell CMS how many overnights he has had them over the last 12 months.

[3peassuit]

If you’re worrying about him kicking doors, don’t let him in your home. Hand over in a public place or outside your home. You’re under no obligation to let him inside your home. Any argument about maintenance gets referred back to CMS. Grey rock him.