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Pregnant and Single - support thread!

(90 Posts)
CalypsoLilt Wed 30-Sep-15 11:14:13

Starting a new thread as I've recently found myself single at 20 weeks pregnant.

Don't really want to go into details but fairly sure he was/is a narcissist and he'll be on a life long sulk now, which is why he didn't show up to the scan yesterday. I'm also fairly sure he won't ever pay a penny or see the baby. I know I will be ok but I do worry for the baby.

I am planning on seeing a solicitor ASAP to discuss:
1. Birth certificate. Should he be on it? What happens if he is/ isn't? (to be on it, he would either have to attend in person or sign a form, not sure if he will do either of those).
2. Maintenance. Can I get any? What happens if he leaves the country? (he's Italian/Dutch)
3. Writing a Will, who can I nominate as legal guardians if I die?

I am also slightly freaking out about money, because he owes me about £450 (but then he says I owe him money for stuff we bought together for the house). I'll do a spreadsheet later with everything on, hopefully I will calm down then. Haven't bought anything for the baby yet except for a moses basket for £20 from gumtree.

This website is great for doing budgets. www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Looking forward to hearing from others in the same situation cake brew (no wine!)

octobersunshine Wed 30-Sep-15 11:17:06

Hi CalypsoLilt

So glad you started this thread. I was sorry to hear about the behaviour of your ex.

Mine doesn't want to know either. I'm hoping he'll come round once the baby is born etc etc but knowing deep down I am raising this baby alone.

CalypsoLilt Wed 30-Sep-15 11:22:05

How many weeks are you now? Where are you living?

octobersunshine Wed 30-Sep-15 13:26:37

I'm only 10 weeks so very early days yet. I'm in London and the thought of being alone there with the costs is very frightening. Where are you based?

Do you get worried about the stigma attached to single parenting?

CalypsoLilt Wed 30-Sep-15 15:24:59

I'm in Hampshire and I'm extremely lucky in that I bought a 2 bed flat 2 years ago; it's not ideal (bad area/bad schools, first floor, needs work) but the monthly mortgage is manageable on one income. So that's a roof over our heads; but yeh, maternity leave is going to be interesting!!

How are you coping in your first trimester? Have you had morning sickness? Do you think ex will be willing to pay any money? Are you in touch with his family?

Re: stigma w/ single parent mums, not really. My biggest fear (probably irrational), and sorry if this is upsetting sad is that I've ruined the babies life before it's even born, and it's going to have a horrid/non-existent relationship with it's father and have father issues. I just keep reassuring myself that this situation is better than living in an environment where the parents argue every day. I also worry that people will judge me like "I didn't try hard enough to make it work" or that I was just plain stupid to get into this mess in the first place; but so far, my friends and family have been absolutely amazing and I've been surprised at how supportive everyone is smile

octobersunshine Wed 30-Sep-15 15:58:47

I have a good friend in Hampshire - there are some beautiful areas there, particularly around the coast and great for children.

At least there's security in owning a place, and even if the area isn't entirely right you wont have to think about schools for a few years.

I seem to have found a promising house share with a young woman who is a single parent to a daughter, and so I'm hoping that works out as our budget is largely similar.

Regarding my ex - I get the impression he doesn't want to tell his family what's happened. I think at the moment that's his call but maybe once the baby's here he may change his mind, or I might write a letter to his parents. I'd hate them to miss out on being grandparents for the first time because their son is too bloody minded. He's not a bad person, he just wants to pretend he's still in his 20s. How about your ex? Has he made it clear he wont be involved?

Those worries seem entirely natural to me, and they're things I've been feeling too. It's easy to beat yourself up and think things aren't normal or you haven't done things the wrong way round, but I guess what's normal these days? Families are all kinds of things and having a child who feels loved is I think the most important.

russetbella1000 Wed 30-Sep-15 23:13:52

I am a happy single mum & have been from day 1. As hard as it is you need try to forget the depressing cliches the Daily Mail paints of desperate single mothers...My own experience has been positive. It annoys me that single motherhood by choice isn't promoted more. I suspect because it would threaten the status quo. As long as you are financially 'ok' then single motherhood is amazing and I honestly feel I've lucked out not having to 'deal' with another person & their pants :0)

russetbella1000 Wed 30-Sep-15 23:21:22

...financial but sounded a bithmm...for me tax credits/childcare help was great etc etc

CalypsoLilt Thu 01-Oct-15 10:29:49

if you can october I would let his parents know when you are about 20 weeks pregnant, then you know the baby is viable (and maybe even the gender?) and you'll hopefully know the score by then with the Ex?

I've heard nothing from my Ex, not a peep, so I have no idea what his intentions are..... he's gone to France for a week "to think", cue massive eye roll. He didn't even bother to find out how the 20 week scan went.

I don't read the daily mail and I don't have friends that do so I have completely bi-passed the "single mother stigma" (I'm not even sure what it is? that we are bad parents?)...... that's a relief!

I love that I get to choose the name myself! smile

octobersunshine Thu 01-Oct-15 11:47:37

I'm excited about baby names too! Have you found out the sex or are you keeping it a surprise.

I'm lucky to have some lovely friends around me who aren't at all judgemental and my sisters who I've not told yet but I think they'll be wonderful. It's my parents I'm most afraid of really. As much as they're ostensibly liberal and open minded, I get the impression they might be less so when it's a bit closer to home.

Oh god, he sounds he's wallowing in self pity! It's a hard one to call isn't it. I guess you've got hope he decides to offer support in the end, but keep the possibility open that he wont want to know just in case.

Re telling his family... you don't think I'd be stirring things or being provocative by telling them? I worry that it might completely destroy my relationship with ex... It's a tricky one cos half of me feels that they and my child have a right to know, and the other half feels like it's his decision whether he decides to tell them or not.

CalypsoLilt Thu 01-Oct-15 15:58:50

I was very tempted at the 20 week scan to find out, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it..... I'm afraid of feeling disappointed..... or finding out it's a boy and then spending the next 5 months worrying he's going to be like his father!

Definitely get your sisters on board before telling your parents then, if you're worried about how they will react? Will this be there first grandchild? For all you know, they might be over the moon and really supportive of your predicament.....people react in different ways to pregnancy.

I'm working on the assumption I won't see/hear from him every again, or get maintenance, then if I get anything it's a bonus. I will however be sending photos/updates to his parents when the baby is born (I've only met them once, they live in Italy and don't speak English). It's up to them if they just want to throw them in the bin. I've kept the channels of communication with the X open if he wants to get in touch, he knows where I am.

I think with his parents, waiting until you are perhaps 6 months pregnant is a good idea, especially as the longer he leaves it, the more difficult it will be to tell them. It would also be good to have them on your side. I guess it depends how well you know them and if you think it will backfire?

How have you left things with the X? Do you have any contact with him?

octobersunshine Sat 03-Oct-15 09:55:50

How strange that you put my exact fears regarding finding out the sex into words! I'm praying for a girl, and too scared to find out at the scan.

My parents have one grandchild, she's two and a half and she and my sister and brother-in-law live in Canada, and they miss her dearly. Were you parents supportive of you and your decision? Did you find out you were pregnant after you'd split up with the ex, or before?

I keep on waking in the middle of the night and getting petrified about the tiny details - I don't know how to get a baby to sleep, I don't know how often they need to be fed, do I get a sling or a pram etc etc. Did you feel like this too? Is it normal?

CalypsoLilt Sat 03-Oct-15 10:45:42

Also praying for a girl, or a boy like my dad smile

I don't have any parents, but I have a HUGE family and I've adopted (LOL) some parents who I call my surrogate family..... I've been blown away at how supportive everyone is......and most importantly, non-judgmental.

I'm 21 weeks pregnant and the X only left 1 week ago. He was initially very happy about the baby (it was planned and it was his idea) but the reality didn't match his ideals I think? He wasn't supportive when I was sick/tired, complained I didn't do enough house work and spent too much time with my friends.

First trimester panics (and at any time really!) are completely normal!! It means that you care about the baby!! Keep a pen and paper by the bed so you can write stuff/lists down when you wake up. I often have irrational thoughts in the middle of the night (not just now, but for years) so I just say to myself, "t's the middle of the night and these are irrational thoughts, don't worry, just think about them in the morning" - that seems to help.

Can you sign up to NCT classes? They can offer you reduced prices if you are on a low income. They cover things like feeding, sleeping, washing, clothing, birth etc. How far away do your parents live? Have you got a job in London?

You're doing REALLY well, just take one day at a time, there's plenty of time to figure stuff out x x x

Moxiechick Sat 03-Oct-15 15:31:23

Found out a couple of days ago that I'm pregnant... From a one night stand. Feel so stupid. I'm already a single mum after leaving an ea relationship when my dd was 6 months.
So worried about how I'm going to cope with dd (who will nearly be three) and a newborn. I have no family nearby and the dad has said he wants no involvement and even wishes I have a miscarriage.
Even though it was a massive shock, I'm starting to feel excited and I couldn't dream of aborting like the dad wants.
Is this doable?!

Girlwithnoname1 Sat 03-Oct-15 23:33:04

Can I join the club too? Only 6 weeks (nearly 7)- found out very early at 4 weeks, baby's father waved goodbye the minute the two lines came up on the test, blocked my number & haven't heard a peep since.
I have a daughter who's nearly 12 & have raised her on my own since day one, however never thought I'd find myself in the same boat a second time!
More concerned about the logistics of going back to having a newborn etc when DD is now practically a teenager.
Also have the added worry DD has an unknown genetic disorder which this baby could also have. Being so early on I can't really talk to many RL people about it all.
It's all a bit daunting.

Girlwithnoname1 Sat 03-Oct-15 23:36:06

And yes moxie of course it's do-able, you've raised your daughter alone so far, I'm assuming it won't be long until she's starting nursery? So you'll get a bit of a break.
Have you got family arround you? That always helps. Also if the baby's father wants nothing to do with baby, have you got enough financial support to survive?

spanisharmada Sat 03-Oct-15 23:48:16

Can I join too, I'm due in a couple of weeks and starting to panic!

CalypsoLilt Sun 04-Oct-15 04:53:46

Welcome to the newbies!!! X

Goodbetterbest Sun 04-Oct-15 07:27:34

I've just dipped into this tread, as this was me 14 years ago (feels like yesterday).

I lived in London, had DC1 alone. It was such a happy time. Yes it is hard work, and you really do feel the responsibility as you are your DCs world, but it is wonderful. We just bounced along to our own tune. I would urge you to go to ante-natal groups, the friends I made there were invaluable.

DS's dad told his family when DS was six weeks old. They had no idea.

I went on to marry him and have 3 more kids. It was always wrong, but I wouldn't change it for the world as have my children . We split up a year ago. I knew in my heart when DC1 was born he was a wrong 'un. He sounds a lot like the OPs xp.

All I really wanted to say was don't be scared - embrace it. There is a lot of help to be had, make sure you tap ini it. Friends will rally, the nights will be long, there will be tears and frustration. But you'll cope and down the line you look at your man-boy and think 'I did that'. It is amazing.

A genuine, heart-felt good luck from me to you all.

octobersunshine Sun 04-Oct-15 10:10:07

Goodbetterbest - Thank you for your post, it really made me smile. Lots of days I think I'll cope and I can do this. It's at night when all the little panics come to the fore, but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel hey.

Moxiechick Sun 04-Oct-15 10:40:21

So good to hear from people who have done this. Makes me think I'll be alright.
Financially well struggle but manage. Back to work plans will be postponed but I will definitely do it.

2 friends have differing opinions on going through the csa to get maintenance from the dad. One thinks as he doesn't want a child and would chose abortion he shouldn't have to pay, the other thinks he made his choice at the time of conception and as he wont be providing any care he could at least contribute to the providing.
I really don't know where I stand. What do you all think?

CalypsoLilt Sun 04-Oct-15 11:04:33

Sending internet love hugs goodbetterbest!!!

moxie I say pursue thru the CSA, if he's having unprotected sex then he has to wake up and smell the reality coffee! It's tough being an adult, there's things called responsibilities!

Don't be afraid to ask for help, in my experience, people LOVE helping!!

tinkerbella55 Sun 04-Oct-15 16:28:10

Glad to find this thread. Am separated from & divorcing my ex & have a 16mo DS & am 30wks pregnant. Hope everyond has had an ok wkend. I have just been applying for child benefit & tax credits - what fun.
Currently wrangling with difficult ex over settlement & worrying about how quickly I have to move once baby comes (having an elcs).
Hard & v v stressful times but made better by my lovely DS & being pregnant.

octobersunshine Sun 04-Oct-15 17:20:17

Moxie - I'm with Calypso. Just because you've been born with a womb by complete chance, it doesn't absolve him of his responsibility. It angers me that too often men feel that because it's not happening personally to their body, they aren't liable to deal with the repercussions.

Tinkerbella I'm glad you found us. I'm yet to do my tax credit application but will be soon. I hope you have lots of support from family and friends smile

octobersunshine Sun 04-Oct-15 17:20:20

Moxie - I'm with Calypso. Just because you've been born with a womb by complete chance, it doesn't absolve him of his responsibility. It angers me that too often men feel that because it's not happening personally to their body, they aren't liable to deal with the repercussions.

Tinkerbella I'm glad you found us. I'm yet to do my tax credit application but will be soon. I hope you have lots of support from family and friends smile

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