Pregnant and Single - support thread!

[CalypsoLilt]

Starting a new thread as I've recently found myself single at 20 weeks pregnant.

Don't really want to go into details but fairly sure he was/is a narcissist and he'll be on a life long sulk now, which is why he didn't show up to the scan yesterday. I'm also fairly sure he won't ever pay a penny or see the baby. I know I will be ok but I do worry for the baby.

I am planning on seeing a solicitor ASAP to discuss:

1. Birth certificate. Should he be on it? What happens if he is/ isn't? (to be on it, he would either have to attend in person or sign a form, not sure if he will do either of those).
   
2. Maintenance. Can I get any? What happens if he leaves the country? (he's Italian/Dutch)
   
3. Writing a Will, who can I nominate as legal guardians if I die?
   

I am also slightly freaking out about money, because he owes me about £450 (but then he says I owe him money for stuff we bought together for the house). I'll do a spreadsheet later with everything on, hopefully I will calm down then. Haven't bought anything for the baby yet except for a moses basket for £20 from gumtree.

This website is great for doing budgets. www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Looking forward to hearing from others in the same situation (no !)

[Billi77]

Hello. Am only 5, London based. Broke up with partner of 8 years in june, 2 weeks after a miscarriage. She "realised in the hospital while I was having ERPC that she didn't want to have children". Then went it alone with donor and it worked. Now working out co parenting stuff. Do I or don't I put him on birth certificate, etc.
He's also in italy so I think child support would have to be privately arranged anyway so don't see the point of putting him on it. If i died I would rather the child went to my brother or best friends here in London.
Still haven't worked out what to do about birthing partner. Early days though and would rather get passed the 12 week mark before making any plans.
Nice to meet you all.

[CalypsoLilt]

What is it with Italians?! ;)

re: birth certificate, you cannot put him on without
A) his physical presence at the registry office
B) a legal written declaration
C) court order

I am personally not pursuing him being on the birth cert because I can see it causing logistical/clerical nightmares in the future, especially as he doesn't live in the country and he's incommunicado.

re: child maintenance, for as long as we are in the EU, court ordered child maintenance is fully enforceable throughout EU countries. Not sure how it would work with a donor though. Are you married?

[Billi77]

I would rather not have him on to be honest. I think I probably need to see a lawyer to determine best solution. The only one I've heard from want £450 for the first meeting, so would end up costing thousands.
He's a lovely guy, I just wouldn't want my child brought up by him or in italy It would become Italian which i really don't want! :)
Not married, no.
As the donation wasn't in a clinic, he is the father and not anonymous. I can still be only person on birth certificate though, at least I think so. This is why I want some sort of written agreement between us, to establish boundaries.
I imagine it's similar for you, although he could still seek visitation or part custody in the future. How would that make you feel?

[CalypsoLilt]

You can definitely be the only person on the birth cert. I'm a bit confused tho about the donor/partner relationship?

I found a solicitor where the first 30 mins was free. This is good practice, keep looking until you find one.

He can seek visitation / custody in the future, I think it's highly unlikely but I've made my peace with that. Ultimately he is the father and I don't want to stand in the way of any child/father relationship as long as baby is safe.

[Billi77]

Yes I like your reasoning. I was with my partner (female) for 8.5 years. She effectively dumped me straight after a miscarriage with donor (a gay Italian friend) and my embryo.
I tried again with donor and got pregnant again this month.
The original arrangement was that my now ex partner and I would be on birth certificate. We would have civil partnership then she would adopt.
Now things are different and although he would like to be on bc, I'd rather he weren't. This because I don't like his boyfriend and lifestyle and he original agreement was donor only. That said, I would happily have him visit as frequently as he wants.
This is why I want to see a solicitor.
Psychologically it feels better to go it alone, on paper or not. And he can forge whatever relationship evolved with our child.

[Cheshirehello79]

35 weeks pregnant and single

Decided to end it with ex partner was very sort relationship less than 3 months and just after I called it off I realised I was pregnant. Decided to keep the baby but did tell him. He first reaction was get rid and when I told him I decided to keep the baby he wanted to be there. I didn't see any future in U.S. As I've been married before 7 yrs ( no children ) and didn't want another failed relation.

Have gone through it all alone I've got my good days and bad days but looking forward to seeing img my little bundle of joy

[Billi77]

Good for you! Very encouraging to hear as someone in early days.

[CalypsoLilt]

Hi cheshire when are you due? What have you decided about the birth certificate?

billi thanks much clearer now! Yeh solicitor sounds like a good port of call. Does your ex know you're pregnant?

[Billi77]

Yes she does. Even suggested she wanted to have a part in child's life but am now not so sure. Confusing times.

[rockabillyruby82]

Hello all, 22 weeks with DS2. Separated from H for 5 weeks now, found out he'd been having an affair.
Not a new mummy but certainly anxious about having a newborn on my own as I developed PND with DS1.
I'm pretty secure otherwise, own my home, work and good support network in RL.
Don't have any single mummy friends though

[charlybear7]

Hello I'm s single mummy to 2 amazing boys - aged 5 years and 5 months! My ex left me when I was 7 months pregnant with our second very much wanted baby. I have done everything since he left and only now is he wanting some input.

Just wanted to say 'you only realise how strong you are until being strong is your only choice'

The newborn days were tough but I look back and feel so proud of myself! I know my amazing children are all my doing! The quality time we have together is priceless x

[rockabillyruby82]

Hello charleybear

[charlybear7]

Hello rockabillyruby82.

I had some very dark days when my ex left me whilst heavily pregnant. But when my son was born I could be me again and somehow we've got to where we are now and I'm pleased to say I very happy with 2 very happy boys!

I dealing with court etc at the mo so far from over with regards to the stress!

Hope you're ok x

[rockabillyruby82]

I'm hoping there will be no need for court. At the mo we're (me) being civil, he has our DS 6 nights a fortnight and is sticking to the ground rules I set out.
He's not argued me staying in the house although that could change.
I've got excellent support and I'm quite a strong person.
But I do worry about the PND returning, it was blooming awful before
I'm currently focusing on DS and redecorating my home. I've done alot of crying! I (think) I'm at the point of acceptance now. And I'm doing ok

[rockabillyruby82]

Oh, thank you, it's a relief to know that there is someone who has got to the other side of the tunnel and is happy

[charlybear7]

We started off pretty civil too! I still can't believe how my life has currently turned out. I too focused on my son. Weirdly my pregnancy was put on the back burner and sometimes forgot I was pregnant - sounds impossible. I then became quite ill and had my baby early, i'm sure due to stress. I too am a very strong person and will not let my ex ruin me like he's trying to do. I'm determined for him to see me and our sons doing well without him.

I've never had pnd but I'm on the lookout for it! I do have down days but doesn't everyone?!x

[rockabillyruby82]

Same here with this pregnancy, it's like an after thought at the moment.
We were trying for DC2, I fell pregnant pretty quick all great but he had started affair before I found out I was pregnant.
It almost feels surreal, going from happy families to what it is now and my head is trying to process it all.
If I'd found out sooner about his affair I would have terminated but I was 18 weeks, could feel baby moving. I'd have regretted it for the rest of my life! Both my children will have a happy, healthy childhood because they'll have a happy, healthy mummy. They don't need anything more!

[charlybear7]

I felt the same. It was just another act of selfishness on his part. Getting me pregnant and then leaving. He came to no scans, appointments or even the birth(my choice and he accepted it and didn't even try gone nice so he could be there). I now look at my healthy baby and I'm so pleased I have him. It has helped my son knowing we're a little family of 3 and we all have each other. My baby is so happy and content I'm sure is down to the fact their is no stress in our house! I make sure neither of my children know what goes on in the background although in the beginning it was difficult to hide my sadness from my eldest.

Our situations sound very similar! However I have no proof he's had an affair but I'm convinced he has!x

[charlybear7]

I too found it difficult being happy that I was pregnant. Strangers used to say 'I bet you're so excited about your baby' but inwardly I felt so scared and lonely that excitement was far from my thoughts. I hated my ex for ruining the happiness of pregnancy should bring. But now it's so different. I'm so happy I have him and he is a dream baby (sleeps well, feeds well and is so smiley). It makes all the hurt that he caused in the beginning disappear X

[rockabillyruby82]

Glad to hear you're happy and all 3 of you are doing well! You can be my inspiration

[CalypsoLilt]

Hi rockabilly and charlybear

[SoleBizzzz]

Oh i wish i was pregnant, haven't tried yet, for each of you.

[rockabillyruby82]

Hey Calypso

[octobersunshine]

Hello all

Charleybear I was so sorry to read what had happened to you and so pleased you found happiness. Any words from people who have been through it before have been immensely helpful.

My ex has taken to calling me up and work and demanding I have an abortion. The past week he's been telling me that if l go though with the pregnancy, he'll be round at my house every day as he 'has legal rights.' Don't think he's done a whole lot of research on this.

The past week has been really difficult. I think I found his absence easier than his emotional blackmail

[mummyguts]

I have a 4 day old daughter, and split up with her biological dad around half way into the pregnancy (should have split sooner but oh well). I'm incredibly lucky to have an amazingly supportive family and my parents are happy for me to live at home for as long as I need to (I'm only 19) so I don't have so much to worry about financially as a lot of single mums do. despite having supportive friends and family I really felt the lack of partner, someone who's main priority was me and the baby during the pregnancy but now she's out I just feel glad that I get to raise her myself, my own way.