Pregnant and Single - support thread!

[CalypsoLilt]

Starting a new thread as I've recently found myself single at 20 weeks pregnant.

Don't really want to go into details but fairly sure he was/is a narcissist and he'll be on a life long sulk now, which is why he didn't show up to the scan yesterday. I'm also fairly sure he won't ever pay a penny or see the baby. I know I will be ok but I do worry for the baby.

I am planning on seeing a solicitor ASAP to discuss:

1. Birth certificate. Should he be on it? What happens if he is/ isn't? (to be on it, he would either have to attend in person or sign a form, not sure if he will do either of those).
   
2. Maintenance. Can I get any? What happens if he leaves the country? (he's Italian/Dutch)
   
3. Writing a Will, who can I nominate as legal guardians if I die?
   

I am also slightly freaking out about money, because he owes me about £450 (but then he says I owe him money for stuff we bought together for the house). I'll do a spreadsheet later with everything on, hopefully I will calm down then. Haven't bought anything for the baby yet except for a moses basket for £20 from gumtree.

This website is great for doing budgets. www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Looking forward to hearing from others in the same situation (no !)

[CalypsoLilt]

Listening to all the girls at work talking about their partners scraping the frost of the cars for them this morning sob

[rockabillyruby82]

No I have a DS who is 2 and the happiest, most amazing little boy!

[charlybear7]

Ha yes a big glass of wine will be more than deserved I'm sure! Is this your first baby? My ex turned nasty towards me as I think he started to realise only a small amount about what he'd thrown away! But his actions 6 months on he shows no remorse and the way he treats his children is disgusting! He saw my youngest last wkend and turned up without even a nappy! And then when I handed him them he didn't even say thank you! Crazy that he's lost his manners as well as his morals!x

[rockabillyruby82]

I'm good!
Charlybear I had the conversation with STBXH last week. Told him he won't be at the birth and I'm naming my son what I want. He was surprisingly accepting of my decision but then he knows he has no choice!
I'm nearly 24 weeks and can't wait for baby to arrive so I can have a BIG glass of wine!!

[charlybear7]

Rockabillyruby82 - I named my baby myself and told my ex I didn't want him at the birth. He didn't kick up a fuss at all, still amazes me what else is more important than his new baby son! Clearly we're best off without that negative attitude x

[charlybear7]

You will amaze yourself when they arrive at how strong you are. Honestly the worst bit for me was being pregnant as I found towards the end I had energy for anything but found it hard not being active! When my so arrived I could get back to being 'me' and I cherish our time together. My baby is the happiest easiest baby around and I'm sure it's because of our happy home. No tensions or arguing with anyone!

I love having my rules and my decisions on things and no one to disagree'or complain!

Life is good, yes I'd love a break sometimes and a bit more money coming in but I have my 2 healthy children who I get to see first thing and kiss goodnight. And that is priceless.

You'll be fine, tell yourself that now and when you are your confidence will grow and you'll flourish in your role of a wonder mummy!x

[CalypsoLilt]

thanks ruby sometimes I feel like I just want this baby to come now (obviously not really cos I'm only 27 weeks!) and other times I'm not sure I want a baby at all.

how are you getting on?

[rockabillyruby82]

You'll be fine Calypso Once you hold your baby all the worries will fade. It won't be easy but don't be afraid to ask family & friends for help. Your baby will be happy as long as their mummy is loving and cuddling them.
Baby will have a super mummy to make up for no daddy and who knows what is round the corner

[CalypsoLilt]

7 weeks this Saturday since I heard from the X. Don't miss him in the slightest but am getting increasingly panicked by the whole "single mum" thing and how the eff am I going to cope with all of this? Newborn, sleeplessness, cooking/cleaning, working, just how am I going to juggle it all. Have even thought about adoption. Also feel desperately sad that the baby won't have a father. And now I have a massive crush on someone I've been friends with for years. Oh what a tangled web we weave.

[Girlfriend36]

If the dad is going to be involved and you are happy for him to have joint parental responsibilities then yes encourage him to register the birth together so he can be on the birth certificate.

My dds father made it clear he wanted no involvement and so there was never any option of him being named on the certificate! I don't think this would have affected him paying maintenance as if he disputed he was the father they would enforce a DNA test.

[rockabillyruby82]

Yes the father has a legal right to see their child if they are on birth certificate. And it is right that if you are unmarried they have to be there when you register the birth, not if your married. When it comes to access to a baby/child the decision is always made in the baby/childs best interests and the situation is taken into consideration. If these men think they can immediately have access to their child they will be very disappointed, no judge will allow a newborn to be taken from it's mother. No judge will allow a baby/child to be taken miles away or abroad if it's for the benefit of the father.
Seriously, what planet are these men on??
Know your and your childs rights ladies, you are the sole caregiver and you will always come first.
I've had the conversation with STBXH about new baby and his input. I've told him he won't be at the birth and I'm naming him. He didn't kick up a fuss but wasn't happy. But the way I see it is he didn't want this baby, he wasn't thinking about me or the baby when he was fucking another woman so why should he have that involvement? He's shown how little he cares and that's that.

[CrushedCan]

Sorry most likely given custody as in he has the right to see him/her if he is their father. Worded that wrong ??

[CrushedCan]

If you want him to pay put him on the birth certificate - I recommend yes you do this. As for him moving and you getting maintenance this can be done but takes about 1-2 years! I'm im the final stage of claiming maintenance from DD father who lives in another country - it's taken nearly 2 years but it's worth it! The POS owes me over £3000 in maintenance! If he's on the birth cert he will most likely be given custody HOWEVER if it's in the child's best interest to stay in the country with family (which it will) then a judge would look at this. I'm in the same boat as you...would like to jump off but unfortunately there's no life rafts ha!

[Girlfriend36]

Hi I have been a single parent to dd now 9yo since pregnancy.

I would say do not out him on the birth certificate, he would have to physically show up when you register the baby to be on it anyway (unless you were married?)

I have never received any money from dds father but have never gone after him for any, I think I sort of decided that I didn't want anything from him

Writing a will is still on my to do list

It def has it challenges being a single parent but I like being the one who makes the decisions and I also like selfishly not having to share dd with anyone! I am fortunate to have a supportive family though, my mum esp is very hands on and has been from the start.

Financially things are tight but manageable, I was able to get almost all the baby stuff second hand or lent to me by friends. EBay and fb buy and sell pages are good as well, make sure you get in touch with the tax credit people now so once the baby is born it only involves a phone call to start claiming them.

[mummyguts]

I have a 4 day old daughter, and split up with her biological dad around half way into the pregnancy (should have split sooner but oh well). I'm incredibly lucky to have an amazingly supportive family and my parents are happy for me to live at home for as long as I need to (I'm only 19) so I don't have so much to worry about financially as a lot of single mums do. despite having supportive friends and family I really felt the lack of partner, someone who's main priority was me and the baby during the pregnancy but now she's out I just feel glad that I get to raise her myself, my own way.

[octobersunshine]

Hello all

Charleybear I was so sorry to read what had happened to you and so pleased you found happiness. Any words from people who have been through it before have been immensely helpful.

My ex has taken to calling me up and work and demanding I have an abortion. The past week he's been telling me that if l go though with the pregnancy, he'll be round at my house every day as he 'has legal rights.' Don't think he's done a whole lot of research on this.

The past week has been really difficult. I think I found his absence easier than his emotional blackmail

[rockabillyruby82]

Hey Calypso

[SoleBizzzz]

Oh i wish i was pregnant, haven't tried yet, for each of you.

[CalypsoLilt]

Hi rockabilly and charlybear

[rockabillyruby82]

Glad to hear you're happy and all 3 of you are doing well! You can be my inspiration

[charlybear7]

I too found it difficult being happy that I was pregnant. Strangers used to say 'I bet you're so excited about your baby' but inwardly I felt so scared and lonely that excitement was far from my thoughts. I hated my ex for ruining the happiness of pregnancy should bring. But now it's so different. I'm so happy I have him and he is a dream baby (sleeps well, feeds well and is so smiley). It makes all the hurt that he caused in the beginning disappear X

[charlybear7]

I felt the same. It was just another act of selfishness on his part. Getting me pregnant and then leaving. He came to no scans, appointments or even the birth(my choice and he accepted it and didn't even try gone nice so he could be there). I now look at my healthy baby and I'm so pleased I have him. It has helped my son knowing we're a little family of 3 and we all have each other. My baby is so happy and content I'm sure is down to the fact their is no stress in our house! I make sure neither of my children know what goes on in the background although in the beginning it was difficult to hide my sadness from my eldest.

Our situations sound very similar! However I have no proof he's had an affair but I'm convinced he has!x

[rockabillyruby82]

Same here with this pregnancy, it's like an after thought at the moment.
We were trying for DC2, I fell pregnant pretty quick all great but he had started affair before I found out I was pregnant.
It almost feels surreal, going from happy families to what it is now and my head is trying to process it all.
If I'd found out sooner about his affair I would have terminated but I was 18 weeks, could feel baby moving. I'd have regretted it for the rest of my life! Both my children will have a happy, healthy childhood because they'll have a happy, healthy mummy. They don't need anything more!

[charlybear7]

We started off pretty civil too! I still can't believe how my life has currently turned out. I too focused on my son. Weirdly my pregnancy was put on the back burner and sometimes forgot I was pregnant - sounds impossible. I then became quite ill and had my baby early, i'm sure due to stress. I too am a very strong person and will not let my ex ruin me like he's trying to do. I'm determined for him to see me and our sons doing well without him.

I've never had pnd but I'm on the lookout for it! I do have down days but doesn't everyone?!x

[rockabillyruby82]

Oh, thank you, it's a relief to know that there is someone who has got to the other side of the tunnel and is happy