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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Pregnant and Single - support thread!

89 replies

CalypsoLilt · 30/09/2015 11:14

Starting a new thread as I've recently found myself single at 20 weeks pregnant.

Don't really want to go into details but fairly sure he was/is a narcissist and he'll be on a life long sulk now, which is why he didn't show up to the scan yesterday. I'm also fairly sure he won't ever pay a penny or see the baby. I know I will be ok but I do worry for the baby.

I am planning on seeing a solicitor ASAP to discuss:

Birth certificate. Should he be on it? What happens if he is/ isn't? (to be on it, he would either have to attend in person or sign a form, not sure if he will do either of those).
Maintenance. Can I get any? What happens if he leaves the country? (he's Italian/Dutch)
Writing a Will, who can I nominate as legal guardians if I die?

I am also slightly freaking out about money, because he owes me about £450 (but then he says I owe him money for stuff we bought together for the house). I'll do a spreadsheet later with everything on, hopefully I will calm down then. Haven't bought anything for the baby yet except for a moses basket for £20 from gumtree.

This website is great for doing budgets. www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

Looking forward to hearing from others in the same situation

(no

!)

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spanisharmada · 04/10/2015 20:21

Moxie I'm agree with the others, he made his choice when he had unprotected sex!
Hi Tinkerbella I have DC already with exP too, its a minefield!

misslila1 · 05/10/2015 00:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spanisharmada · 05/10/2015 02:48

Hi miss not local to you but just wanted to say, try not to worry, I know how stressful it is having an abusive partner (I hope he is firmly in the ex category now) but calling the police was the right, and very strong, thing to do.
It's not you that can't make it work, it's him. Stay strong and keep posting

misslila1 · 07/10/2015 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinkerbella55 · 07/10/2015 19:27

Hi misslila1, glad you are feeling a bit better. I don't live near there but hope you & boys & bump are ok. I know how hard it is to worry about stress affecting the baby. I am so glad when I manage to get some good sleep, for me bad carbs & lots of chocolate helps bring on a sort of food coma so I can get to sleep more easily. Annoying that just when we need alcohol the most to relax/sleep/knock out can't have it.

tinkerbella55 · 09/10/2015 05:26

What is everyone thinking re birth? I had emcs last time & will be elcs this time. Think will be alone as don't really feel comfortable w anyone else there, have thought about doula but decided no. Not sure if when I get to hosp will regret being alone.

CalypsoLilt · 09/10/2015 10:46

Lovely to see new people coming to the thread, shame about the circumstances :-/

tinker I'm in the same quandary, my sis wants to be birthing partner but I know she's going to find the whole thing overwhelming and she hasn't got a clue about anything birth/pregnancy related. I've got no close friends locally who can come to the antenatal classes with me. But I would say yes, try and get someone to come with you. What made you decide against a doula?

Sending Friday love x

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CalypsoLilt · 09/10/2015 10:47

Oh forgot to ask.... I've got my solicitors appointment next week; it's a 30 minute free consultation to start so I need to be concise and get as much info as possible. Can you guys think of anything I need to ask? So far I've got pros/cons of having him on the birth certificate and what happens to child maintenance if he leaves the country? (I'm working on the basis of not hearing from/seeing him ever again or getting a penny from him but I want to know where I stand legally).

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tinkerbella55 · 09/10/2015 13:00

I think I need someone I feel really confident in, in terms of how they support me & more importantly (as will be cs) how they deal w baby & medical professionals when I am out of it after op, esp if there are any problems or rubbish staff. I don't think I cld trust a stranger (re doula), even after a few mtgs, plus ones nr me (in Ldn) v expensive. I wld like my aunt but she lives a short flight away & am not sure whether she'd think it weird as tho we get on well we aren't close. She just has the right characteristics for me. Not sure whether to ask her!
I wld go to antenatal yrself, for my 1st were 2 singles at my classes & many men that were there didn't hide their boredom.
At solicitors, if you have time left, I wld ask about his contact rights (in case he surprises u & wants to be more involved than u expect & are comfortable with).

SqueletteMignon · 18/10/2015 17:30

I'm currently 30 weeks and considering leaving my "partner", however I would have nowhere live as I have no income, I'm not even on maternity. I was thinking of staying with him until the baby is born so that I can get him to buy all the baby's essentials then claim child support and find somewhere to live alone. I'm in expensive London.

CalypsoLilt, I'd like to know how your appointment goes with your solicitor IRT maintenance. My partner is quite well off, but knowing him, he'll try and wriggle out paying a penny if I leave.

CalypsoLilt · 19/10/2015 13:04

Hi squel the solicitor was very straight forward, whether or not he is on the birth certificate is irrelevant as he IS the babies father, so he can still apply for custody/visitation rights and I can still apply for maintenance.

The solicitor I saw was 30 minutes free consultation, highly recommend finding one that does something similar.

Sorry you are stuck financially; is it worth looking into a vulnerable woman's hostels? something like this hfw.org.uk/

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CalypsoLilt · 19/10/2015 13:05

october is also looking for somewhere to live in London, might be worth getting in touch with her?

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octobersunshine · 21/10/2015 22:54

Hi,
I've had a little break from this thread but still keeping my eyes on. Calpyso, I'm glad the solicitor gave some clarity as to your legal situation.

I've had a bad day today. Ex partner had initially reacted badly to news of pregnancy but had seemed to come round to the idea. Tonight he text me telling me he wants nothing to do with me any more.

Half of me is horrified that an adult can be so callous and selfish and accept no responsibility. The other half of me thinks, well at least I know where I stand. Better to have him consistently not there than flip-flopping around with his decisions. At least now I know it's me and my baby, and I dont have to waste my time wondering whether he'll be there or not.

octobersunshine · 21/10/2015 23:03

Hi,
I've had a little break from this thread but still keeping my eyes on. Calpyso, I'm glad the solicitor gave some clarity as to your legal situation.

I've had a bad day today. Ex partner had initially reacted badly to news of pregnancy but had seemed to come round to the idea. Tonight he text me telling me he wants nothing to do with me any more.

Half of me is horrified that an adult can be so callous and selfish and accept no responsibility. The other half of me thinks, well at least I know where I stand. Better to have him consistently not there than flip-flopping around with his decisions. At least now I know it's me and my baby, and I dont have to waste my time wondering whether he'll be there or not.

CalypsoLilt · 23/10/2015 13:14

october I feel the same, after 4 weeks of no communication, I'm 99% sure I won't here from him again and whilst I'm sad for the baby, I'm happy to know where we stand. And this way I don't have to deal with him which means I'm calm and relaxed rather than stressed out wondering what BS he's going to be talking.

Have you thought more about telling his parents? All I am going to do is send them photos when the baby is born and my address and leave the ball in their court.

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octobersunshine · 23/10/2015 20:19

Hi Calypso - am glad you're feeling more relaxed. Everything all good with pregnancy?

I think I've decided to tell them, but when I'm closer to my due date. I'm like you - I'll leave it to them to decide. Although they're nice, decent people, and I expect they'd be horrified to hear of the behaviour of their son. I hope they would like to be grandparents even if their son doesnt want to be a dad.

Daffodil3228 · 25/10/2015 10:54

Hi just wondered if I can join in? I'm 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby which wasn't planned... Happened in v early days of new relationship. The father has been great and stayed involved, but for a few reasons our relationship has not been able to progress to being a 'proper' couple...didn't help that I got severe pregnancy sickness which I still have, I just feel like a permanent grumpy invalid
Anyway it has now dawned on me that labour is coming up and I'm scared. I don't want to be on my own. Baby's dad doesn't want to be birth partner...also not really with me about preparing for parenting, didn't come with me to antenatal classes which got me upset. We don't live together so he can leave and go to his place... But I can't and the responsibility of keeping a little life alive seems quite daunting!!
In terms of family I have my mum who said she'd love to help me with birth and the time after but also she is quite physically frail and not in good health..I almost think I've done the wrong thing asking her because she's the type who will wear herself out cos she wants to help. I'm even worried about her driving to see me (she is 2 hrs away)
Thinking about doula maybe although it seems a lot of cash and it's also someone I don't know.
Where I am they have cancelled the nhs antenatal classes cos of lack of staff, I booked on a nct one and found it terrifying, the stories of labour in particular, also the class was 6 happy couples and me which made me feel weird and different for my own situation, I really don't want to go back.
Does anyone have any tips for doing the antenatal or labour thing as a lone parent?

CalypsoLilt · 25/10/2015 11:45

daffodil welcome to the gang :) I'm going to NCT alone in a posh area so figured it would mostly be "happy couples" but I've also heard stories of fathers not bothering to go or being dragged along and visibly very bored or uninterested. I'm planning on having my sister at the birth, she doesn't have children so it will be an interesting experience for both of us! ;) I haven't ruled out a Doula or something similar, but more for the first few weeks after the birth.

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Daffodil3228 · 25/10/2015 20:23

Thanks Calypso, good on you going to the classes without a birth partner in tow, let me know how it goes! I think maybe one of the things I need to get over is that my situation is different to how I would have hoped or the 'ideal'. Like some others here I've found the reactions of some of my family not very enjoyable but there is no reason we still can't be triumphant fantastic mothers to our children!! You've given me a bit of confidence to get over myself and go along to the next sessions and just not mind being in a different situation.

CalypsoLilt · 25/10/2015 20:23

Just found this Single Family support webpage

www.gingerbread.org.uk/content/324/Advice-and-Information

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DressingGown · 28/10/2015 03:13

Congratulations on your respective pregnancies. My XP left when my dd was 3 months. She's now 2.5yrs. There have been hard days, but so much easier without him around. There's no one else to take into consideration and we do what suits us.

I too went to NCT in a posh area. I dragged then partner and he didn't turn up for second session. I was dreading telling them all when he left. They're all happy couples, well-off, all having second babies now... But I don't regret doing NCT for a second. Sure you learn how to change nappies and bathe babies, but it's completely invaluable for the friends you make. And NHS antenatal classes can be the same.

So just wanted to say, you can do it. It'll be hard but so worth it.

DressingGown · 28/10/2015 03:15

This is a lovely article. (Made me cry a bit!) www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/oct/10/what-being-a-single-parent-is-really-like-sophie-heawood

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CalypsoLilt · 28/10/2015 08:37

thanks DressingGown

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Billi77 · 28/10/2015 23:16

Can i join in?

CalypsoLilt · 29/10/2015 08:39

Everyone is welcome!

How many weeks are you?

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