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I've performed surgery on my own bottom!

(298 Posts)
amateurarsedoctor Fri 22-Jun-07 22:19:42

I thought I'd impress/horrify you with my attempts to cure my very own "Embarrasing Illness".

Since the birth of DS2, 4 years ago, I developed one haemorrhoid. It went away soon after the birth and returned at times. Over the years it had developed into a kind of skin tag. It's quite large, about the length and width of my little finger to the second joint.

I've never had any pain or problems with it. It was just there. As it's grown I've become more aware and self conscious of it. I'd dread the thought of DH seeing it and have avoided brazillians in case the beautician noticed.

I've often pondered going to the GP and seeing if they'd remove it but the thought of revealing my arse in full view fills me with horror.

I also pondered what they might do to get rid of it. I eventually decided they'd probably tie something round it to reduce the blood supply and eventually it would drop off.

So I did just that! 10 days ago I took a piece of cotton and tied it as tight as possible around my protuberance. It was a bit of a struggle but with the aid of a mirror I got there in the end.

So, it swelled up and got rather uncomfortable but after 2 or 3 days was showing no sign of dropping off. So like any self respecting arse doctor I got something a bit more substantial to tie round it. An elastic band!

A day later it was so painful and the elastic band/cotton were very firmly embedded in the swelling tissue that I thought I may have to abandon the experiment, except by this point there was no way of removing them as I could obvioulsy not see what was going on well enough to employ a pair of scissors in the area. There was no way I was going to the doctors with that mess and fessing up to what I'd done.

So, I poked deep in my medicine box and found a tube of Fucidin (slightly out of date but never mind) and applied it to the affected area. The finger sized pile had by soon shrank to the size of a grape and the pain began to lessen.

Then, thank the Lord, tonight it's dropped off!

I honestly thought I might have done serious damage at one point and I realise that potentially that was a rather dangerous thing to do, but I can't tell you how relieved I am that I never had to seek medical assistance for a botched home botty op!

I would not advise any one to do this at home, the pain has been severe to say the least!

I know you'll all say I'm a loony but I had to tell someone my secret.

bran Fri 22-Jun-07 22:22:36

Would you be very offended if I said this is the funniest thing I've read for ages.

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you're feeling better too.

amateurarsedoctor Fri 22-Jun-07 22:24:21

Not at all bran! If I read that someone else had done it I'd laugh my tits off

catinthehat Fri 22-Jun-07 22:25:58

<passes out>

FrannyandZooey Fri 22-Jun-07 22:26:13

You are Completely. Out. Of. Your. Freaking. Mind.

Dior Fri 22-Jun-07 22:26:26

Message withdrawn

Mercy Fri 22-Jun-07 22:26:33

blimey, I got half way through your post and couldn't read anymore!!

I hope you are ok

Pannacotta Fri 22-Jun-07 22:27:02

Have read on other health posts about piles that for this type of skin tag you usually have it removed under local anaesthetic (SP?) so you were pretty brave and/or mad!
How on earth did you tie string/elastic band round it?!

skirmish Fri 22-Jun-07 22:27:08


that is truly the best thing i have read of mn ever!

don't think i will ever be as brave as you though!

well done!

Califrau Fri 22-Jun-07 22:27:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasingSquirrels Fri 22-Jun-07 22:27:43

that what the docs do anyway though, just try them off - so i was told when i enquired - she also told me that as it wasn't painful and didn't bleed then i should just leave it.

ChasingSquirrels Fri 22-Jun-07 22:28:17

did pmsl at the post though

Jenkeywoo Fri 22-Jun-07 22:30:17

cool! I managed to get dh let me do this to one of his arm pit polyps when I first met him and he didn't know how naughty I am . It was so satisfying seeing it go black and crunchy before it dropped off.

amateurarsedoctor Fri 22-Jun-07 22:30:23

OOh I feel all proud and smug now. Glad to have amused/revolted you.

LMAO off at "raisin anyone"! That's spot on Dior. I did think about posting a pic for you but there's no need now as you've described it perefectly.

bobsmum Fri 22-Jun-07 22:30:48

I would write LMAO, but I see you already have

Dior Fri 22-Jun-07 22:31:19

Message withdrawn

Pannacotta Fri 22-Jun-07 22:31:27

isnt it a bit too wince-inducing to be fuuny?
OUCH is all I can say!

amateurarsedoctor Fri 22-Jun-07 22:32:07

So if any off you have a "little problem" like mine give me the nod and I'll see to it for you. You'll have to supply your own out of date arse ointment though.

prettymum Fri 22-Jun-07 22:32:30

wow!! well done!!

Dior Fri 22-Jun-07 22:34:57

Message withdrawn

amateurarsedoctor Fri 22-Jun-07 22:37:11

If you watch this space for long enough I'll probably slip up and have a UCM moment.

hippipotami Fri 22-Jun-07 22:42:08

PMSL - that is such a MAD thing to do!!

But I have to confess I have been known to do some DIY surgery too...

cantdothisanymore Fri 22-Jun-07 22:42:56

Thank you for making me smile.

bran Fri 22-Jun-07 22:43:02

Do tell Hippipotami.

amateurarsedoctor Fri 22-Jun-07 22:45:06

Yeah Hippo. Spill!

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