Insomnia friends - help I feel terrible

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Have been generally sleeping well, but last night was awful and it has completely thrown me

I've had a very busy weekend, and was aware when I got into bed that my head was still kind of "whizzing". I also have a job interview next thurs and don't feel I have prepeared nearly enough and won't have much time during the week. So that was playing on my mind.

Today we are going to my parents for my dad's 70th birthday so I will be under pressure to "perform" (they all know I was hospitalised in a psychiatric unit) so they will all be watcing me for "cracks". I hate it.

So, I go to bed at 10pm. Still wide awake at 1pm. This is when I start sobbing. Violently.

DH was great he rubbed my shoulders sat up with me, passed me tissues etc. but the sense of panic at not being able to sleep for absolutely terrifying. Everything just felt so hard. How am I going to get through this family gathering? When am I going to prepare for the interview? I am going to look like a complete idiot...

In the end at 1:30am I took a zopiclone. Felt like failure. And now I am suffering because I took it far too late (should never take one after 11pm because of hang over effects) so now I feel terribly spaced out and groggy. Have to drive down to Surrey and I haven't sorted anything out (food for DD, spare clothes etc. etc.)

I don't know why I'm on here really other than just to splurge. Want to cry but mustn't or my eyes will be all puffy and blotchy.

[willsurvivethis]

Getdown - don't have any useful advice for you hun but you're always there for me so I want to come and give you a hug before I dash off to church.

But you can cope and you know it. Remember what you say to Becky - the worst that can happen after a bad night is that you feel a bit cr*ppy in the morning but nobody dies x

Deal with today, just today. Any other thought that comes up related to tomorrow or after give it a great big push and say not now!!!

You feel they will watch you for cracks now don't you start panicking about cracks that are not there. Don't worry so much about proving everybody (doctors, family) wrong. You know you are fine and that is enough.

Come on hun you can do this xxxx

[BeckyBendyLegs]

GetDown big, big, big hug!!!!! You are not a failure. You are so not a failure. This bad night took you by surprise because you sleep so well now and you've achieved so much and that is why you panicked. It was a one-off. I know how that panicky feeling feels and I know you feel a failure for taking a zopiclone as that's how I feel when I do that. But you are are NOT a failure. DH tells me that when it happens to me.

Cry if it helps. I think crying is great therapy. You will get through today. I'll be thinking of you.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

I just feel like such a fraud. I give people advice on here and I can't even take it myself

[BeckyBendyLegs]

PS Everyone has bad nights and bad days, as you yourself have said to me, and you have a job interview coming up. No wonder your mind was whizzing a bit, and the big family gathering today too. Do what I do when I am tired like I did yesterday: don't let it get you down, go and enjoy yourself, make the most, smile, enjoy the sunshine. You'll be fine!

[BeckyBendyLegs]

GetDown you give people advice because you know how it feels. You are human like the rest of us are! Nobody is perfect and everyone has wobbles now and then. You have helped me soooooo much over the last few months with advice and encourgement xx

[lelarose]

You say you have been sleeping well generally- that is brilliant so maybe keep reminding yourself of that. I agree its really important to take one day at a time and remember the bad days are just that- bad days not your whole life.

I do know how you feel I've had chronic insomnia my whole life really, very hard to cope with now that I'm pregnant. My partner's parents (who are very old fashioned) caught me at 2pm the other day still in my jammies and without having even washed my face or brushed my hair and I felt they were judging me too, but ocht well, tough shit for them really. Yesterday I had a great day, today I am shattered so its much harder, but at least I have the odd good day!

As for the zopiclone, do not beat yourself up. I took it in early pregnancy as I just got to the end of my tether. I spent months beating myself up for that but I have had to let it go. Sometimes if I write all my worries down before I try to sleep it helps a bit. I hope you get through today, we don't have to be perfect, just muddle through things sometimes xxx

[willsurvivethis]

Getdown most of us are good at advising others and not so good at looking after ourselves. I hope it goes ok today xx

[kizzie]

i know you will have left by now but have only just seen this and wanted to let you know that Im thinking of you.

You're not a fraud in anyway. You're just like everyone else. trying to do the best you can each day. And from reading your posts it sounds to me that for the last few months you've been doing absolutely brilliantly.

Today youve had a knock back. Just try and think of it like that - just a bad day - no more, no less.

By the time you read this I hope you can take a deep breath because you managed to do - no matter how awful you felt x

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Well. I'm back.

I think today was one of those days that will go down in my mental history as one of the worst days of my life.

Was struggling to hold back the tears most of the day. Went out to a restaurant with my family for lunch. DD was extremely stressful, screaming and not eating. Kept saying she needed a poo (very loudly) I must have taken her to the loo 4 times.

My dad got increasingly irritated by the slow service as we had to wait 45 mins for our food. I felt I was suffocating
Eventually I had to leave (on my own) with DD whilst the others all had pudding to find a local playground (unfamiliar place to me). Where we "played" on our own for about an hour

Then DD needed a wee AGAIN. There were no public loos. Had to take her behind a tree and she weed on her shoes

Have just endured the journey home from hell. Should take just over an hour. Took us over 3. Got stuck on the M25 roadworks when DD uttered those soul-shrivelling words "I NEED A WEE". Had to pull off and ended up in Watford (grim place). Eventually found a BP station with a loo. Then she needed a drink and we had run out so had to queue up for ages for a bottle of juice.

Then about 45 mins later she needed to go AGAIN (in my sleep-deprived disorganised state this morning I had forgotten the potty) so we had to go to South Mimms services .

I am so so so shattered. DH has taken over as DD is beyond exhaustion and is in utter, utter meltdown.

I just feel totally spent.

And I've got work tomorrow.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Ps. thanks for all your kind words

[compo]

A great tip my mum told me when I was dead in my feet with 6 wk old firstborn was even just lying down with your eyes closed gives your whole body a rest
so when icant sleep I lie down and think of what she says , ir helps thinking you are getting rest even if you aren't sleeping

[bluejeans]

Getdownyouwillfall your post brought tears to my eyes. I suffer from insomnia and have had days like yours, where nothing goes right and you want to die. I feel for you so much. Glad your DH is around tonight, is he supportive? (my DH is a great dad but has never really 'got' the full extent of my insomnia)

Cut yourself some slack this evening. Lie on the sofa and watch tv and then have a nice bath.

Don't panic about the job interview. There are plenty of websites with sample questions, you could get a list together and focus on what answers you would give, it'll help you feel prepared. But don't think about that tonight.

And of course keep posting here

Sending hugs and ositive vibes for Thursday

[GetDownYouWillFall]

i have just broken down in floods of tears today has been too much for me i feel like i have broken into pieces and don't know where to start to make it better i am just sobbing and sobbing and can't stop there is so much to do and i can't a i don[t know what to do

[bluejeans]

Oh Getdown things will get better - it just doesn't seem like it right now. Are you able to get an early night tonight? Don't feel bad about breakin down - it's been building up all day and you might feel better for getting it all out.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

i just feel so small and weak and like everything is pressing down on me and i can't carry it anymore it's too heavy

[BeckyBendyLegs]

GetDown please don't dispair. Big hug xxxx I wish I could give you a proper one as you've been such an inspiration to me helping me cope with my problems. I wish I could help you (I'd come over with a big box of chocolates and a box of tissues). Today was a bad day. Tomorrow is another day. You got through today and it was bound to be a stressful day today and it looks like everything that could have possibly gone wrong did, just to test you. Bluejeans is right - try to put this behind you now and forget all that's happened today, at least for this evening.

[kizzie]

It sounds like a horrible day - one i recognise unfortunately. But you did it. You turned up. You didnt ring with your excuses - and for that you deserve a medal. Try not to go over it too much in your mind tonight - you will just torture yourself.

Can you run yourself a bath. Dont even start to think about everything that needs doing. DH is looking after DD. Thats the only urgent thing.

Are you hungry?
If not just bath and some light rubbish tv.

honestly you did brilliantly today - i can imagine how unbelievably difficult for you x

[BeckyBendyLegs]

I know that feeling well. It is just the pressure of a very, very stressful 24 hours. It will pass, I promise. You know it will.

[willsurvivethis]

Getdown what really needs to be done tonight? You will need to accept that you have had too much for today and you will need to do some looking after yourself.

Let the tears, they are cleansing and healing (although they will give you a headache)

Have a bath or shower, a drink and something to eat. Watch rubbish telly.

You have done the only thing that could be done with today - you've survived it.

[BeckyBendyLegs]

We are lucky to have each other here. Life is hard. This Too Will Pass. I must go supervise teeth brushing and then read a story to the DSs.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

thanks so much everyone, I feel I need to respond to each of you individually, you are all so lovely.

Just tried to pull myself together - I went and did a huge pile of washing up, then emptied out the dirty water and saw a dirty spatuala on the side that I had missed.

It was like flicking a switch - I just went into meltdown again. How pathetic is that?

Poor DH has been having to pick up the pieces.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

had a bit of soup, so at least have eaten something. Not sure I have the energy for a bath.