Wife having affair. Refuses to move out

[Areallusernamestaken]

My wife is having an affair with a toyboy (10+ years younger). It's destroyed our marriage and I've asked her to move out.

She is refusing and continuing affair despite the fact it's incredibly upsetting and I have let her know as much. Our kids don't know what's going on yet but I just want her gone ASAP so I can get on with my rebuilding my life.

She earns enough to rent and will likely get around £100k pay out when things are done as I'm planning on buying her out of the house.

Is there anything I could do to get her out of my life? I can't stand to see her texting and getting tarted up to go see the dick who has helped destroy our family. The only response I get from her is "give me what I'm owed". I think the real reason is she wants to move in with toyboy but doesn't want his income to be used in any financial settlements.

Shit situation and I'm fed up of it, help!

[Fairylea]

Do you both jointly own the house? If so then she doesn’t have to move out as it’s both yours- although obviously I feel so sorry for you because it is a truly shit situation!

I would make an appointment with a solicitor ASAP and see where you stand.

[Areallusernamestaken]

Yes, everything is shared. I brought much more financially to the relationship initially (inheritance) but we've been married almost 13 years so everything will have to be split 50:50.

It's just so hard to see her literally 6ft away now texting and grinning at the other guy. I want to move on and have decided that I can't let her get to me, but sometimes it's very painful when I think of what we had and where we are now. I just she'd bugger off and leave me.

I've seen a solicitor and they suggested it's best for me financially to allow her to stay as all running costs until things are settled will be split, but money isn't the most important thing, I just want my sanity back!

[MooseBeTimeForSnow]

His income won’t be taken into account in any settlement.

[Fairylea]

Do you have children together? How old are they? Who is the main carer for the children? These things will make a difference with regards to what happens to the house and maintenance etc.

[Areallusernamestaken]

2 kids, one 15, other 5.

I'm the main carer, in fact I've pretty much been a single parent for last 6 months as my wife went on her destructive path. I do all housework, washing, cooking, shopping, birthday parties, days out etc. and I take 5 year old to school and pick her up 2 days (grand parents rest) - I'm lucky to have flexibility with work. 15 year old is pretty much self sufficient, but eats like a horse!

To be honest I can't be bothered fighting beyond the 50:50 as I couldn't bear wasting funds on legal fees when I could treat the kids to something. I just want her out!

It's so annoying to read stories of so many shitty men that have treated women terribly, but yet i have done everything for my wife and kids, been a good provider and husband and get treated so badly!

[wigglypiggly]

I'd stop doing all the housework, shopping, cooking, she should be helping with that. What do both your parents say, could she go wnd stay with them. I'd tell them the situation, what does she mean what's owed to her? Her new b.f. income wont affect any settlement. Look after the children and yourself but your wife can get on and sort her own stuff out, do her own shopping, cleaning, laundry and cooking.

[wigglypiggly]

Have you moved into the spare room, dont torture yourself seeing her getting ready to go out, just shut yourself away or go out and let her sort out childcare.

[Areallusernamestaken]

In terms of housework etc. the simple fact is if I didn't do it then it wouldn't get done. I don't do her washing any more and I've refused to buy her food. She has had pasta every day this week whilst me and kids have had decent meat/fish and veg etc.

My parents don't know yet as kids don't know situation. I can't have kids finding out second-hand (my mother has a big mouth!). I wouldnt move out to their house anyway as ive done nothing wrong. She sleeps on the sofa and I'm in a comfy bed. We have a spare room but it's full of new wardrobes (unbuilt) that she bought before full scale of her affair came out. I'm not shifting them so she can make do with settee.

Her parents both know, ironically her father dumped her mother almost 20 years ago to the day to be with a younger woman. MIL been very kind to me and kids. It's difficult as she is in the middle, but I'm hoping to stay friends with her after this mess is sorted. FIL has paid for wife's solicitors visits, but he has said she is making big mistake. They both live miles away so wife can't move in with them.

With regard to "what she is owed", it's basically the split of assets. So equity in house and contents. She is paranoid I'm going to screw her over money. I'm not a hateful person and will accept 50:50 to get out of the current position but she is a real nasty piece of work when it comes to money. My solicitor said that if she moved in with toyboy it could have an effect on calculations. I'm not sure exactly how at this stage, but presume wife has been told the same as she wants to go there but won't. Her words were "you'd love that wouldn't you so you can shaft me for my share". Its really odd, although physically it's my wife, her attitude to things make it seem like she is a stranger. I really don't know her anymore, hence why I just want her out!

[Redcliff]

Can you ask her was she thinks a fair figure is? My exh and I had a very bitter split but although we had worked out the investment in our flat differently we came to roughly the same figure. Once he paid it I moved out and signed the place over to him.

[wigglypiggly]

Have you spoken to Relate or looked up Divorce on the GovUk site. How long have you known about the affair? Can you just apply for a divorce.

[AlunWynsKnee]

A friend of mine had to live in the same house as her husband until the divorce was sorted.

[Singlenotsingle]

You can issue a divorce petition now, OP, on the grounds either of adultery or UB. And start looking into how you raise the extra cash to buy her out. And it's not a case of "allowing" her to stay. She's entitled to stay. Go back to your solicitor and get things moving.

[Bigbus]

Is your wife ok? Not to minimise your situation, do you think she could be unwell? Is her behaviour out of character? Buying loads of wardrobes she doesn't need, neglecting her family and starting a relationship with a younger man - if this is all quite out of the blue it's possible she could be suffering from bipolar or EUPD. Is this behaviour normal for her or unusual?

[EL8888]

Legally she’s probably been advised not to move out. My solicitor advised me not to when l was getting divorced. ExH used to come home everyday from work and ask me when I was going 🙄. Despite the fact he knew l had been advised not to and l had nowhere to go. l later found out he moved in with the other woman (l wasn’t aware of their relationship until much later)

I’m confused about why her new partner finances will affect her settlement. I thought it would have no bearing on it?

Someone once said to me partners you treat well, treat you badly. Those you treat badly, treat you well. This is too often true 😔

[Areallusernamestaken]

@redcliffe

Yes, we are both working on numbers, although she is expecting me to do most of work (as usual!). Equity and contents likely to be around £100k.

@wigglypiggly

I've not sought counselling or anything as don't feel mentally fragile. I suppose I haven't petitioned for divorce as yet as the children don't even know there are issues plus there has been the small hope that things could be made better. I now realise this is not possible. Things will have to move on though.

I have had a bit feeling about another person since Christmas. She was weird at new years eve and then from then she became more distant. Password changes on phone, phone glued to her side. She used to let 5 year old watch you tube on it but that stopped. She started going out much more with work and coming home drunk and late, something she has never done before. It all escalated quickly to the point 4 weeks ago when she said she didn't want any physical contact with me. No kissing, hugging etc. I was gutted but tbh since Christmas she has been cold and distant emotionally so it wasn't much of a change. I officially found out about affair about 2 weeks ago when she confessed.... well actually it was trickle truth in that i asked the questions and she answered. Again, very emotional, but I knew in my heart she was doing it.

@NSA2103

I don't have it in me to play hard ball. I'm genuinely a nice person and find it difficult to do things that might upset people. I know I need to but it's against my nature. Avoidance for me is easier, hence why I just want her out!

@singlenotsingle

I will likely extend the mortgage to pay her out. We are lucky the house had quite a bit if equity and my pay has increased since we originally got the mortgage meaning I can borrow more. It will be a stretch but I don't want children losing their home alongside their family unit. I know legally she can stay and I'm powerless, but I just wish she had the morals to move away!

@bigbus

I've been through these thoughts myself and if I'm honest, no I don't think she is 100%. She suffered badly when her parents split before I was with her and has had periods through our marriage where she has been on anti depressants.

This is really out of character as she previously was honest, decent and kind. Truth to her was a major thing and even little white lies e.g. saying I'd washed up when I hadn't caused her to really get angry. She always said she'd chop my balls off if I had an affair and also said her dad was an idiot for doing what he did to her mum.

Fast forward to more recent times. She has been working very long hours and been upset at colleagues, had a car crash, and our daughter has latched onto me and doesn't really spend time with mum. Genuinely all stressful things - I have tried to lessen daughter time and get her with my wife. She also had her drink spiked at a house party the day before our sons birthday so she came home paralytic and vomiting everywhere (I know it was drugged as others at party had same issue). Pretty much ruined sons birthday to have a comatose mother.

In addition she has become obsessed with her looks and wrinkles etc. so has spent a fortune on make up, clothes, beauty treatments and goes to gym every other day. Her clothes shopping became so extreme that she had to buy new wardrobes (not built!). In addition she has to go to court for the car crash as the other side is disputing things and refusing to take blame.

A long reply, but I have spent many hours looking into depressive illnesses and she does fit into a lot of them. She hasn't shown any emotion about anything except the "love" for toyboy. When I've cried about stuff ending she has just been stoney faced and says she doesn't do tears. I really don't know how she can hold back. It's almost robotic.

She won't accept there is anything wrong with her and refused any counselling or reconciliation. All she gave me was a line from dirty dancing, can't remember what It was exactly, but something Baby said to Patrick Swayze. That about sums it up. I think she is in fantasy world and running from reality. Unfortunately me and kids are left picking up the pieces.

Thank you all for your replies... it helps!

[NSA2103]

I'm a nice and good person also, and behaved impeccably during the marriage.
But I'm not taking any sh1t now.

Keep your spirits up, and continue to be a solid and good person for the children. That's obviously really important.

There's some issue behind what caused my wife to change so much and go off the rails. I've never been able to quite put my finger on it. She's mid 40s, and has drunk circa 60-80 units a week. It'll become clearer in time.

Happy to PM if you wish.

[wigglypiggly]

This may help you..
www.gov.uk/divorce

[Areallusernamestaken]

Thanks wigglypiggly, it's useful.

A bit of an update...we have a Disney trip booked in 2 weeks time for long weekend in Paris. Little one super excited. I was planning on just going by myself with 2 children, this was previously agreed with wife. This evening she now says I have to amend booking or else she will refuse permission to let me take them out of country. I said what do u want me to tell children, her response was "i dont f-ing care".

At this stage I admit I got a bit teary as I was looking forward to the trip and both kids are excited. Now I have to tell them they can't go and have to lie to them as to why. Seeing me upset, my wife simply said "for God's sake get over it, I'm sick of you been upset".

Is this normal?? Can she not care at all about the end of our marriage? Can she not understand how devastating it is....the closest emotion ive felt is when my grandparents died, only this is longer lasting and seems more painful. I asked her if she feels anything and I just got a shrug. She them beggared off to Pilates.

I'm starting to realise my wife has probably done me a favour. She is literally emotionless with no feeling for anyone, no empathy, thought or care for anything except herself. She hates our cat, can't stand my family and bitches about her own mum. I really do deserve better.

It still hurts like hell that my marriage and life as i know it is ending but in the long run it's probably for the best. I don't know what face she wears for toyboy but the reality for me is a cold, heartless, robotic person with many psycopathic tendancies (literally she ticks many of the boxes!). She never used to be like this, she was caring, kind and loving but over recent months she has turned into a hideous monster!

[Wintersnow17]

Hello no advice but can sympathise my ex wouldn't leave and couldn't see how torturous it was for me to be in same house with the lying cheat . He thought once he' d told me he wasn't lying anymore so let's just get on. What scumbags these people are. No morals or scruples. I had to go in a separate room or make sure I was out when he came in . No help but I feel for you X

[pinkboa]

What's the other side of the story?

[Wintersnow17]

My partner used to be cari g too. But then no feelings, so much lack of emotion , didn't seem to care about the hurt he was causing me. X

[Dandelion1993]

As you're married, I don't think you need her permission. If that is the case go on the holiday!

I also think you need to visit your solicitor forst thing tomorrow and get the ball rolling.

If you wait for the children to know then she'll drag that out as long as she can.

[squeakyreptile]

This sounds horrible. Especially living in the house with her, and seeing her with the other man. What a horrendous position for you.

I agree with the others that you need good legal advice. Having been the primary carer will be to your advantage.

Also: take no notice of posts like, 'What's the other side of the story?'.... it wouldn't be said to a woman posting about a man!

I hope the future is brighter for you.

[IsItBetter]

You need to stop caring what she does or trying to get her to change or be reasonable. You can only control what you can control, and in this case it means you cannot rely on her for any kind of agreement or rationality.

You need to let go and petition for divorce asap, and then there are clearly defined paths for child and financial settlements in divorce - the first step of which is mediation. If you can agree anything in the meantime, all the better.

As it sounds acrimonious, in your shoes I would prefer a court-defined child arrangements order, which will stop any misunderstandings or deliberate restriction on seeing your children in the future.

Don't move out of the house unless you have to.