Struggling with post covid life

(465 Posts)
cakedup Thu 25-Nov-21 11:39:54

I know we've all been impacted by covid and i know things could be so much worse. But I've come to a point where I'm really struggling. I'm living an entirely different life.

Live at home with my teen ds and dp. DP has very strong views about covid and we've been very careful. DP comes from a science background and is extremely intelligent (not just my opinion!). He is very protective and wants to do everything to stop us from getting covid. His own teen ds who lives elsewhere, got covid and now has long covid. He strongly disagrees that I let my ds go to tesco every day to get lunch. I do this because ds only just started 6th form and it's a big deal for him, his friends go. And it's the first time in years he has started eating lunch at school (that's another story).

DS wants to go the cinema in a few weeks and wants to do the DoE award. DP won't agree and will argue the case. I definitely want him to do the DoE because it's important to him - even though this will mean more exposure to covid. If he gets covid and worse long covid, then of course I will regret it. Cinema I suppose is not essential and an unnecessary risk so may put a stop on that. But I just want him to have a fun normal life. He doesn't ask for much and he has had anxiety issues in the past. I want him to do things that make him happy.

Since covid began I've not been anywhere except for one visit to my dad who has cancer. I've not even been to a shop. Just to the local shitty park. In the last 18 months my mum has visited a handful of times, I've seen my cousin once and that's it. Not seen friends at all.

I've been working from home. I used to love my job, I'd say so regularly, and now I dread it. My job use to involve being out and about - in schools mainly, and I was so proud of my work. I no longer feel i have any value and feel so de motivated.

I live in London and don't drive. Don't feel comfortable using public transport. Had a couple of opportunities in work to visit local outdoor places but DP is adamant it's not worth the risk getting on the tube.

Partner has health problems and not getting the medical help he needs. He is incapacitated most of the day, staying in bed, and I sit on the bed working on my laptop to keep an eye. He is on the brink of either a stroke or a heart attack as well as other health issues. He gets up to work from home in the afternoon/evening. Then he drinks every evening to alleviate his symptoms so he can carry on working. Every day I wonder if this is the day I will find him dead. Or who will die first, him or my dad.

DP is very caring, loving and attentive usually but his poor health and the drinking does not bring out the best in him.

I dread Fridays. Every Friday DP plays loud music and drinks more than usual (he's always done this, pre covid and pre ill health). I don't enjoy listening to music in this way so regularly (would rather read a book) but DP says he hates doing it alone and the one thing he enjoys. Sometimes he'll get too drunk and be unkind. I'm an introvert and I don't like constant noise, it stresses me. DP doesn't get this and when he drinks (every day), the tv/music volume is just so loud. May sound like a minor thing but every day, I sit there feeling uncomfortable with the loud rumble of tv that fills my head.

We use to go for a walk every morning but not since DPs condition worsened (over the last few weeks).Sometimes we go in the evenings but I kind of prefer daylight!

I watch tv every day, something I never used to do as I don't really enjoy it. I've stopped speaking to friends as all they do is try and convince me it's safe out there and they've given up on me now.

I do all the cooking and cleaning, all of it. DP promised a dishwasher but when covid hit he won't even entertain someone coming in to install it. DP can't help with housework because of his health, although even before that he worked longer hours than me so I would do it all. DS has chronic OCD and chores just make it worse. So it feels like groundhog day, every day watch DP suffer, work in a job i dislike, cleaning and cooking. Despite being at home I don't have time to do anything else I enjoy. Every night I end up washing up after 11.30pm.

I feel like i have nothing to look forward to. I used to love Christmas. But I won't see anyone, we won't go anywhere. I used to even enjoy staying indoors and xmas tv bingeing but now it's no different to what I normally do.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a moan fest. DP is a very private person and does not like anyone knowing about his health. So I feel alone with it, can't even talk to anyone about it. Of course the last thing i want to do is insist on not being so covid conscious then passing on covid to DP. It will probably kill him.

OP’s posts: |
cakedup Thu 25-Nov-21 11:40:54

oh shit, had no idea it was so long! Sorry! Obviously had

OP’s posts: |
cakedup Thu 25-Nov-21 11:41:22

a lot to get off my chest!

OP’s posts: |
Peaseblossum22 Thu 25-Nov-21 11:48:56

Honestly I think you and your son need to leave. He is a functioning alcoholic who is effectively keeping you prisoner. You son and his well-being absolutely has to be your priority, he has a right to a life and living in these circumstances must be intolerable for him.

SickAndTiredAgain Thu 25-Nov-21 11:50:25

Your son isn’t allowed to go to the cinema or do DofE? And doesn’t like him going to the supermarket in his school lunch?
You aren’t allowed to go anywhere that involves getting the tube, nor are you allowed to get a dishwasher?

It’s sounds like covid is the perfect excuse for him to be massively controlling of your whole life, and he wants to extend that to your son (is he your son’s father, I wasn’t sure from the wording and the fact he has another teenage son?).
I never say this on here, but I’d be leaving him.

Insert1x20p Thu 25-Nov-21 11:53:20

Hard though it is, you need to stand up to him. He's more likely to die of drinking than covid and if he's well enough to booze he's well enough to do the housework. What is actually wrong with him? Also, is he actually intelligent or just spends a lot of time "researching" on the internet? What are his actual qualifications in epidemiology because tbh he doesn't sound very intelligent.

TinaYouFatLard Thu 25-Nov-21 11:53:27

OP this is heartbreaking to read.

So much to unpick here but at the root is your abusive partner. Of course your teen DS can go to Tesco and to the cinema. You absolutely should be living your life as you choose.

You sound completely brainwashed.

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bookworm14 Thu 25-Nov-21 11:53:40

Your DP is using covid as an excuse to control you. I bet he was controlling even before covid, wasn’t he? I know it’s easy to tell someone on the internet just to leave their partner, but you can’t go on like this.

FFSFFSFFS Thu 25-Nov-21 11:54:20

Oh you are in a very abusive relationship and he's found the perfect excuse to control you and keep you hostage.

It IS safe in the outside world. Have you had your jabs?

You really really need to leave your partner and take your son with you. I'm not surprised your son has OCD - the damage that must be being done to him in the environment must be huge.

This is really really REALLY not okay. You need to save yourself and your son now.

cakedup Thu 25-Nov-21 11:55:07

DS is my son, not his. Ultimately, he knows he has no power of what I decided DS can and can't do which is why DS will do his DoE and does go to Tesco. DP doesn't allow his own children to do these things.

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Eenymeanyminey Thu 25-Nov-21 11:55:55

Wow. Red flags everywhere.

Sounds like he has health anxiety and paranoia. Or he is just completely controlling.
In years to come your son is going to pull you up on this and asked why you allowed this to be his life.

Poor kid.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Thu 25-Nov-21 11:56:41

Clearly not that intelligent to not understand the statistical risk of covid and his drinking- you clearly defend and standup for your children’s rights to live a “normal” happy life, why can’t you do the same for yourself?

HesterShaw1 Thu 25-Nov-21 11:58:55

Oh OP this is awful. This has nothing to do with Covid. He's using Covid as an excuse to abuse you. You are being controlled and abused by an alcoholic bully

Please move this to the Relationships section. You will get great advice there about how to leave this man and rebuild your life. None of this is ok, and it's nothing to do with Covid. Please get help for you and your poor son.

TulipVictory Thu 25-Nov-21 11:59:24

Can you please tell me what this condition is that keeps him to his bed?

I get the impression he is playing on it.

Insert1x20p Thu 25-Nov-21 11:59:41

Maybe his DS is just lying about having long covid so he doesn't have to see his POS dad....... just a thought...... and actually, is that verifiable? He could be lying to emotionally blackmail you.

SnarkyBag Thu 25-Nov-21 12:01:35

You’re in a controlling and abusive relationship. Covid is a red herring here

cakedup Thu 25-Nov-21 12:02:28

DS had OCD before DP came along.

I'm kind of shocked and upset by answers so far.

No haven't had jabs - DP doesn't agree with this! We know of people who have been double jabbed and still ended up in hospital with covid.

This is my home by the way, it would be DP that is leaving. I do love him though. How can I tell him to leave when he can barely leave the house?

@Insert1x20p he doesn't have qualifications, he barely went to school. But genius does run in his family. Experienced professionals and academics come to him for advice.

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TomelettewithGreggs Thu 25-Nov-21 12:03:08

Your DS is an abusive controlling arse. I am cautious about Covid- my own DH is CV- but my DS is allowed to do everything, certainly go to Tesco. We all take public transport, and wear masks. And if my DH was drinking on top of his health problems, I would have something to say about it.

Btw my DS got Covid already-likely from the Tube- and like most young people, recovered. You can't shut your son up for ever just because your DH is paranoid. Are you all vaxxed?

pjani Thu 25-Nov-21 12:04:16

Just reading this made me feel so claustrophobic.

You have the power to change your life. It’s short and precious. If you want to do it with him, you need to tell him you’re wildly unhappy and everything has to change or else you have to consider all options.

Let your son live his life. Start living your own. Stop listening to loud music with him. Read your book.

I would recommend therapy to understand why you are putting your needs below everyone else’s and allowing such crap from your partner. Is co-dependency still a thing, therapeutically? I would guess you are co-dependent.

Better yet… create a good life for yourself and your son without him.

TomelettewithGreggs Thu 25-Nov-21 12:04:22

Sorry, I meant your DP is abusive, not your DH!

Why on earth haven't you had your jabs? You will let your DP control everything about your life but won't take his one good piece of advice?

Insert1x20p Thu 25-Nov-21 12:05:35

Experienced professionals and academics come to him for advice.

LOLZ- course they do. Wow- he has REALLY done a number on you.

YellowClouds Thu 25-Nov-21 12:05:41

Honesty your issue isn't covid it's your DP.

How you are living is no way to live, it is safe to do things like go to the cinema and tesco and it's far far worse for your older teen not to be allow to live as normal a life as possible due to an abusive step dad. The chances are even if he gets covid he'll be absolutely fine, but not being allowed to do normal teen things with his peers will be much more damaging.

I also certainly wouldn't be sitting all day working from his bedroom worrying if your dp is then well enough to drink all evening, this is probably why he can't get out of bed in the day.

Please read back your post and put you and your son first and start enjoying life again.

Insert1x20p Thu 25-Nov-21 12:06:45

* How can I tell him to leave when he can barely leave the house?*

How does he get alcohol then?

bookworm14 Thu 25-Nov-21 12:06:54

Do you mean your partner doesn’t agree with getting the jabs, or doesn’t agree with your decision not to get them?

TomelettewithGreggs Thu 25-Nov-21 12:07:04

This is so weird. He has no scientific qualifications but experienced professionals come to him for advice? Why?

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