The July '19ers - knocked down, but never beaten

[Frazzlerock]

Hey @TinselBee, @Rose68, @BettySwoll0cks

Here is the thread I promised us.

Somewhere for us to help eachother, pick one another up, cry, scream, laugh..

Some of us may be looking to try again, some may be putting things on hold. Whatever our plans, lets get through this together.

(I don't know whether conception was the right choice of topic, I can always have this moved to a more suitable topic if anyone would like me to)

I will look through our threads again and see if I can @mention anyone else who might like to join us

[Rose68]

Thank you for the new thread @Frazzlerock! Did you mean @Twittlebee? 😁
I hope you ladies are all holding it together, I think I’m about a week to 10 days ahead of the rest of you and my bleeding seems to have finally stopped, I can’t decide if that makes me sad or not. My bleeding slowed down pretty quickly after the op, but the spotting seemed to carry on for a while.
Anyway sending you all loads of love xxx

[hayleyfx]

Hi ladies - sadly I’m joining you. Lost my July baby. Looking into recurrent miscarriage testing now.

Been TTC #1 for 14 months.
December 2017 - missed miscarriage at 12 weeks, baby stopped growing at 6 weeks
2 chemical pregnancies - March and September 2018
August 2018 - termination for medical reasons as my son was seriously ill with a neural tube defect. 14 weeks pregnant.
December 2018 - just lost my 5th pregnancy. Should have been 6+3 but only measured 5+3 weeks. Bleeding started yesterday naturally.

Now at the moment I’m a bit at a loss. I think my body needs a break for at least a few months to recover and to get some testing done. I’m hoping that something is found that is fixable so I don’t have to experience another miscarriage. It’s crazy, in my first pregnancy I never even considered miscarriage as a possibility and now here I am! Never thought it would happen to me.

I’m so sorry we’re all here but we can all be here to support each other in the following months 💕

[Rose68]

@Hayleyfx I’m so so sorry you have been through all of that and that you are here again and joining us on this thread. Although of course it is lovely to have you.
Have you tried asprin and progesterone? How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? I really hope they can find some answers for you this time, it’s so horrid they make some women go through this over and over before they start looking into it.
I am sure you will get your baby xxx

[Gothqueen]

Hi ladies. I'm sorry for all of your losses ❤
Found out we'd mc last week so no July baby for us 😢Still bleeding and cramp and wholeheartedly devastated. So many website say so many things about ttc afterwards. My OH is desperate to as would be his first. I'm feel I'm too scared until had at least 1 cycle xx

[TinselBee]

oh yay!! Thank you so much for setting this up Frazzle

Rose68 I confusingly NC to a more festive name for the season

So sorry that we are all here but hopefully we can help each other get through this

I've got my surgery booked for 7am Friday. I am surprised I have to wait so long for it? Terrified of bleeding before I go in, my periods are horridly heavy so got knows how bad it will be if I do start MCing naturally?

[Frazzlerock]

Hi guys,

Sorry, I started this group then disappeared. My friend came over to keep me company for a few hours.

@hayleyfx my love, I am so so so sorry this has happened to you yet again, I hope with time we can all start to feel a bit better about things. But, for now, it is all so raw for all of us I think. I was like you in that miscarriage hadn't crossed my mind the first time and no, like you say, here we are. It is not something we could ever have imagined, is it.

@ratherbeshowjumping we are over here lovely.

@Rose68 my bleeding almost stopped the night of the op, then was pretty much non existent the next day. I only wore a panty liner over night that following night and then it all started again. Luckily I woke and caught it before I wrecked the bed - god this is glamorous isn't it
Been pretty much the same flow since then, now 3 days after my op.

@TinselBee that is a long time to wait. Is it a very busy hospital?

I'm still so shocked at how many of us have had bad news from that thread. I'm sure that isn't normal, is it? Still, I am pleased we are able to get together for support now.

I didn't keep in contact with any other 'loss mummies' (for want of a better expression) from the Sept 2016 thread but, like I said before, it was a bit fraught on there anyway.

@Gothqueen I'm sorry you have found yourself here too. Did you ever get around to joining our ante natal thread? I've a terrible memory at the best of times but I can't place your name.
I hope we can bring you some comfort here.

Today I have decided to paint the baby's room, regardless of what has happened. It will keep me busy and focused, plus give me a little bit of hope - which I don't have much left of right now

I've just ordered some wall stickers, and will go out tomorrow to buy wall paint.

I've a GP appointment this afternoon to get my referral to the recurrent MC clinic. I've no idea what to expect once I get to meet with the consultant. I was already taking progesterone and baby aspirin so I'm not sure what other options I have left. We have a lot of questions though.

I'm desperate to start trying again ASAP but I am petrified DP will change his mind again like he did before

What is everyone up to today?
Tinsel I know you told me in your message that you have had to go straight back to work . I just don't know how you're coping with that. You really need some down time to process, is there no way you can take some days off sick? Get your GP to sing you off? Or would you prefer to work?

[TinselBee]

Frazzle lovely you had a friend round, really helps to have company in times like this. I also think it is a good idea to paint the nursery too, it was actually what I have been thinking about today. I do not think I can bare the thought to decorate how I had planned for baby we have just lost though so need new ideas. How are you decorating your nursery totally not stealing ideas ? Hope you get answers and solutions to whats been happening, maybe other hormones could be out of whack? I really have no clue. FX for you though.

I have no clue why they are making me wait till Friday, feels cruel to be dragging it out. I think it is a reasonably busy hospital. Although never was running over in EPU (but did struggle for beds when I was in labour with DS). Maybe its a bit hit n miss?

Tempted to take Wednesday off actually, I work part time so I shall have tomorrow afternoon off and Thursday too anyway. It comes in waves, at times I find myself either so busy I cant think about it or other times I forgot that I have my dead baby still in me and suddenly remember which is when it all comes crashing down. I think I need a day to process without DS around, a day where I can pack up a few f the precious things and the baby memory book that started being filled out all away in a nice box.

[TinselBee]

I need help, I've set myself up for a disappointing birthday... worked out that there is a chance I could see a BFP on my birthday if we were lucky to conceive straight after the surgery. FFS

[BettySwoll0cks]

Hello ladies. So sorry we all find ourselves on the thread, but without many people to talk to about it IRL it’s lovely to have a board like this.

I am going in for medical management tomorrow. Not sure if I’m doing the right thing - at my hosp you go in and have the pessaries administered, then you have to sit still for an hour and then they send you home. I don’t have anyone to drive me home so I am going to have to chance it and hope the drugs don’t kick in while I’m driving back (40 min drive 😬) but I’ll take lots of towels and pads and a change of clothes just in case. How fucking miserable is that?!

Last time (March 18) I was booked in for an ERPC but when they did the final confirmatory scan they found a heartbeat and refused to do the op. Needless to say the baby was not developing correctly and so I passed it naturally about a fortnight later. The whole thing was a heartbreaking nightmare. I felt like opting for something else this time...

A big hug to all of you xx

[BettySwoll0cks]

Btw @Frazzlerock what's the score with taking progesterone? Was that given by your GP for a specific reason or is that part of the recurrent mc process?

[Frazzlerock]

Betty You're braver than I with the medical management. Any reason you chose that option over surgery?

Re the progesterone. When we lost our second, I bled very heavily for a long time and it didn't seem to be lessening so I used my corporate medical insurance (doesn't cover miscarriage investigation but for consistent bleeding I was covered). When I was in with the consultant he suggested taking progesterone for my next pregnancy as I have PCOS which is known to cause problems with progesterone production, and he wrote me a prescription. I kept it all this time (though 2.5 years later I had to request a new prescription) and 'cashed it in' as soon as I got my BFP this time. He also suggested I take baby aspirin so I did that too. Not that it did any good.

Right, I'll be back after this GP appointment. Last time I saw her, I was panicking and she booked my EPU scan, she was really positive for me .
I hope the referral comes through quickly....

[BettySwoll0cks]

Fingers crossed for you @Frazzlerock for a speedy referral. I am going to kick that process off too after I've dealt with this mc - I qualify now I've had 3!! Thanks for the info about the progesterone I will ask about that as/when I get my referral.

For the med vs surgical management, I apparently have an awkward anatomy, with a cervix that can be tricky to find and a very retroverted uterus. So much so, that when I had a mirena coil fitted it perforated straight through they uterus because (they think) it wasn't seated correctly. Had it fished out from my spleen in the end by keyhole. I just feel like if anyone is going to end up with scarring/damage it's likely to be me, so I don't feel comfortable about that.

[TinselBee]

I've started bleeding... I guess no surgery for me now then? Looks like I will need time off work already starting to pour out of me

[BettySwoll0cks]

Awwww @TinselBee sorry to hear that, it's so miserable. Don't write off a procedure though, I bled for a couple of weeks in the Spring and they still offered me surgical management xx

[Rose68]

@Tinselbee oh no I’m so sorry to hear that.... will you go into hospital? I can’t believe your hospital made you wait for so long. Mine was confirmed on the Friday at a private scan, then I got a scan with the epu on the Monday and I had the surgery on the Tuesday (2 weeks ago tomorrow). The weekend in between was horrid, I said those words to DH ‘I had a dead baby inside me’ and he said it’s not a baby 🙄😬

@Frazzlerock Did you have your progesterone checked before taking it? I had my day 3 and day 21 bloods done and my progesterone was okay.

I feel like I’m getting ovulation pains which I wasn’t expecting just yet

[TinselBee]

So I phoned EPU and they've told me to keep everything I pass in a box because they need it for my genetic testing. They said I have to wait till Friday unless bleeding becomes unmanageable and I run a fever feels so wrong and unfair trying to collect my "baby" on my own.

Rose68 that's early for post MC isn't it? Could be a good sign tjat your body is helaing lovely and well! FX

[Frazzlerock]

Betty blimey, your uterus sounds like it needs a good talking to! What a nightmare for you.
Tinsel oh no! This is exactly the reason I plumped for surgery. Just stay at home and let your DH do everything. You must rest now. I don't know the logistics of collecting your baby and everything that comes with.. that is what I worried about. Unless you just lie on your bed with lots of towels?
Rose no he didn't' test me for it. He just sad take it just in case as can't do any harm so I went for it. I didn't know anything about the Day3/21 bloods. Wouldn't that only work with a regular cycle anyway? Mine's far from regular. It does what it pleases.

[Frazzlerock]

I got my referral form from the GP. Apparently it is a self booking service, I just need to wait a week for her to do my letter/send it off, then I can book it. Though she said I could try and book it early and see.

Then I went to buy some tester paint for the baby's room.
Tinsel I'll grab you a pic of what I am doing. Feel free to use the idea if you like it, I'm not precious at all and I'm copying it myself so...

[Frazzlerock]

Baby's room

[Rose68]

@Frazzlerock I love your baby’s room, it makes me feel so sad. I don’t think you need a regular cycle for the blood tests, day 3 is easy cause it’s just after af comes, so should be the same for everyone. That one tests your FSH and LH and I think can give an idea if you are perimenopausal. The day 21 is the progesterone test, but I’m pretty sure it should be done a week after ovulation. So if you know when you ovulate it should be possible.

@Bettyswoll0cks, that sounds like a nightmare. I didn’t even know uteruses could be lying in different directions, or what an impact it could have. Shows how much I know!

I think that ovulation pain was a false alarm, it seems to have stopped for now.

[BettySwoll0cks]

@Frazzlerock that's a beautiful scheme for the baby's room. I love wall decals - my DS's room has hot air balloons and clouds and he loves them

[TinselBee]

Love the look of that scheme Frazzle . It isn't too dissimilar to what we had planned already actually. We were going for a forest theme with soft greens and woods. Maybe doing bold colours would be a good alternative. Thank you.

[TinselBee]

Also awake at bloody 3am due to pregnancy insomnia... wish these fucking symptoms would go!!!!!!!! Bleeding has stopped at least.

[Frazzlerock]

Sorry you were awake tinsel
I slept through for the first time in a long time. My raging thirst has gone so I guess that's one less thing to keep me awake. Though I'd do anything to get it back.

The cats woke me at 6:30 wanting to be fed. DP has been doing it while I was pregnant as we raw feed them. But he's had to fly to Glasgow for work until today.

It's been hard not having him around the past 24 hours, and he's struggling being away too 😢

I wrote a poem yesterday. I might stick it on my blog but wanted to share it here first....


Three

How can you breath
When three little hearts inside you no longer beat

How can you trust again
When hope has betrayed you

How can you make sense
When the effortlessness all around you seems an impossible dream

How can you see brightness
When darkness has blinded you

How can you be you again
When you’ve been crushed three times

Three hopes
Three births
Three cries
Three kisses
Three snuggles on the sofa
Three unconditional loves
Three distant dreams


My friend who came over yesterday is taking me out this morning, just to get out the house. We're going to look at Xmas decorations. I'm going to break my B&M cherry - I've no idea even what this shop is but I've a feeling it'll be an eye opener. I did ask my friend what the quality of decorations is like there, she didn't convince me it was great! But then last year our cats pulled the tree down and all the baubles smashed so I guess it doesn't really matter.

Bleeding seems to be slowing this morning, it's much more watery now,
I can't stop crying this morning, I think it's because DP isn't here, but he will be back tonight.

I hope everyone else has a good day. Well as good as possible anyway

[TinselBee]

Horrid how sad it actually is sleeping through for you Frazzle and not having raging thirst. Can imagine it is hard not having DH around at time like this, glad you have your friend with you though again today. I've found having people about whilst DH has been on Nigh Shifts has helped massively.

Hope DH isnt delayed in getting back to you this evening.

Oh that poem made me cry, really hope that you find your solutions soon to this sad ordeal and that you have a beautiful healthy baby soon.

Really hope that this is our lucky thread seems the July 2019 Antenatal thread wasnt for any of us.

I rang up EPU again this morning to check advice was correct, this time I was put through to the Duty Nurse who actually filled me with much more confidence. She said if bleeding and pain get too much then go straight to A&E and they will fit me in for my surgery before Friday. But she reckons I won’t pass my baby before Friday anyway, as usually there are a few days of bleeding before body rejects the sac & baby etc. She said that I do not need to collect everything, only collect my sac and baby and I should put this is a clean zip lock bag or plastic pot and keep in the fridge (!?!). Apparently I will certainly know when I have passed my baby as, despite it only being about the size of a blueberry it will be very distinctive (!?!)