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The old partners on wards debate - a question

(431 Posts)
Thurlow Thu 30-Jun-16 13:44:03

If your hospital allowed partners to stay on the postnatal wards overnight, how many women do you think actually made use of this?

I was debating this with DP the other day. Personally I hate the idea of partners being allowed overnight (and will pay for a private room on the unlikely chance one is available, as will be having an ELCS and so will be in for a few nights) but that's what is allowed now so I'll just have to put up with it.

DP wasn't keen on staying overnight and I can't say I'd blame him. I'd rather at least one of us got some sleep and was functioning ok the next day. Plus DC1 will presumably be returning from the grandparents after a day or so and will need taking to school and having some normality in her life, and I don't want both of us to be zombies. He would only stay overnight if my ELCS was bumped to very late in the day.

I was thinking that surely a lot of women will already have DC and so their partner won't be able to stay every night for a few nights. Or did most women have partners there all the time?

OP’s posts: |
ImperialBlether Thu 30-Jun-16 13:50:59

Unless the woman is in a terrible state then I don't think her partner should be there overnight and if he has to be, they should have a private room. There's no point the guy being exhausted and some men have made the women sleep on the chair while they get the bed. (That is probably the most outrageous thing I've ever heard, but I've heard it enough times, on here, too.)

I think all being well they should be at home, getting the place ready for the baby to return to.

BendydickCuminsnatch Thu 30-Jun-16 13:54:27

DH was allowed to stay overnight, every woman in the set of bays I was in (6 bays) had a partner stay overnight. Didnt cross my mind they DH should have gone home to be honest.

sglodion Thu 30-Jun-16 13:58:00

I had a private room with my eldest (by luck as it was the only one free) my partner was allowed to stay but I sent him home. I didn't feel like I needed him there and he was better to me after having a sleep and shower and coming to collect me the following morning.
If he'd been allowed to stay on a postnatal ward I don't think he would have wanted to tbh.

MyBeard Thu 30-Jun-16 13:59:00

With DC1 my mum stayed overnight with me, I was scared and really struggling with breastfeeding. Glad she did as I wasn't allowed to go to the toilet alone after I suddenly lost loads of blood. I would of had DP but he was a loud snorer! I noticed a few men, but not loads.

Dc2 I didn't notice many men at all but I was in a room with just me and one other lady. (The first time there were 4 of us in a room)

To be honest, for me, the most annoying part of the men being there was them using the toilets on the ward and not putting the seat back down!

Thurlow Thu 30-Jun-16 13:59:41

See, if you have the baby quite late in the day and are only in for one night I can see why a partner might not think to go home. But if you know you're going to be in for several nights, surely they won't stay and sleep on a chair every night?

I'm mildly dreading being in a bay with 5 other women and their partners every night now.

OP’s posts: |
MyBeard Thu 30-Jun-16 13:59:44

Oh I meant to say, no one stayed with me for DC2, I felt much more confident

Thurlow Thu 30-Jun-16 14:00:21

he was better to me after having a sleep and shower and coming to collect me the following morning

Yes, that's exactly what we are both thinking.

OP’s posts: |
Titsalinabumsquash Thu 30-Jun-16 14:00:38

Every woman had a partner of some kind staying with all 4 of mine (some had their mum or best friend) I wouldn't have stayed on a ward where DP was sent home, I think it's awful that their child is just born and they're told to go away! I know this isn't a popular opinion on here though!

TrouserSnake Thu 30-Jun-16 14:01:10

My hospital now allows partners to stay overnight and I will be desperate for DH to stay. My last experience of the postnatal ward was awful as they were massively understaffed and no midwife was available to help you at all unless it was a medical emergency so I'll be glad of someone to lift the baby out of its cot when it's crying and help me change into a non-blood soaked gown and pass me a glass of water when I need one because I had no support whatsoever last time whilst paralysed from the waist down after a section.
In an ideal world it wouldn't be necessary but it's bridging the gap with lack of resource.

Figgygal Thu 30-Jun-16 14:01:52

We had that option but it seemed to be DH could sleep on a chair in my bay so he chose to sleep in the car instead rather than go home. The night DS was born i ended up in a 4 bay ward to myself but he still went home. however I don't think it would bother me if partners were there.

MissBattleaxe Thu 30-Jun-16 14:02:22

I'd be fuming if I had to recover on a post natal ward with strange men sleeping in chairs overnight. I would hate it.

BendydickCuminsnatch Thu 30-Jun-16 14:02:51

I agree Titsalina. Must be shit to not be allowed to stua with your brand new baby and help your knackered wife/partner.

DorotheaHomeAlone Thu 30-Jun-16 14:02:54

All the women on my ward had their partners apart from one who had her mum. Caused no problems at all. Why do you think you'll be in for a few days? I stayed one night after my emcsand one after my elcs but i think two is standard. Really needed dp that first night both times. Would have been incredibly hard getting out of bed, reaching baby etc without him.

BendydickCuminsnatch Thu 30-Jun-16 14:03:01


Kimononono Thu 30-Jun-16 14:07:59

I hate partners staying over, infact I hate staying in hospital full stop.

The women are there to rest and when there are more people on the ward that should be they don't get that. I just dont see it necessary.

I'm due for an EC and cannot have a private room which I was going to pay as apparently I will be put on a express recovery bay with other EC with the intention of us being up and out with 24 hours shock angry I'm fucking dreading, so much so I'm trying to switch hospitals.

The post labour wards are such vunerable places, woman can be in pain, shock all sorts of states and they don't need a loads of blokes farting about behind curtains while they are trying to recover.

Bear2014 Thu 30-Jun-16 14:09:17

When i had DD partners were not allowed overnight. She was born by CS at 5pm and OH was chucked out a few hours later. I was delirious with exhaustion, unable to move my legs and the midwives on the ward didn't offer much help or assistance even when i pressed the buzzer. Definitely not sympathy or moral support. It was hands down the most terrifying night of my life. They allow partners there now and in my eyes this can only be a good thing.

Kittyrobin Thu 30-Jun-16 14:18:20

Good for the women with supportive partners, not good for the others.
My husband was kicked out of the ward just a couple hours after dc3 was born ( it was about 6am when he left) i gave birth around 4am.
I thought that was cruel, luckily I was very well but still, I could have done with him being there and must have been hard for him to leave us both.

Thurlow Thu 30-Jun-16 14:20:22

I'm aware people have very strong and mixed feelings about this, depending on personality and experience. What seems amazing and supportive for one woman feels intrusive for another woman. I'm not sure they are going to fix this apart from actually having enough staff on the ward to help people so they don't have to rely on their partners to do it.

But I wondered how many women were actually using this option, in real life?

(For those who asked, I am planning on a 2 night stay probably, and as I have a DC in school I imagined we'd need them back at school before that so DP would need to be at home for them.)

OP’s posts: |
peaceloveandtwirlywoos Thu 30-Jun-16 14:33:51

My DH left at kick out time (11pm) and I begged him to come back at 6am because I couldn't cope alone and I felt terrible asking the midwives to keep helping me. We were in for two nights but should have stayed a bit longer with hindsight. If he'd been able to stay with me I'd have made him!

KP86 Thu 30-Jun-16 14:35:09

MissBattleAxe, why are strange men different from strange women?

Kittyrobin Thu 30-Jun-16 14:43:40

I guess the strange women are preoccupied with their newborn babies and also walking around in a vulnerable state and not a threat.

KP86 Thu 30-Jun-16 14:52:46

Don't you think the strange men would be in the same boat? Worrying about their new children rather than anyone else?

MissBattleaxe Thu 30-Jun-16 14:54:07

*MissBattleAxe, why are strange men different from strange women"

Because bleeding and breastfeeding and shuffling to the toilet wearing a giant maxi pad is less embarrassing in front of a woman than it is in front of a man.

It's the same reason there are male and female changing rooms in leisure centres.

I'm stunned I have to explain this. It's so obvious.

MissBattleaxe Thu 30-Jun-16 14:59:37

If hospitals had enough staff, nobody would need partners to pass the baby/top up the water. Women need privacy to recover. It is not a medical need to WANT your partner to stay.

We need more staff, not bays full of snoring partners when other women are trying to recover in privacy.

The more partners stay, the less there will be a need for more staff and partners snoring in chairs will become the norm. The staffing issue will never be addressed.

Never mind the poor women who want privacy. Sod them. This way is cheaper.

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