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Gareth and Matthews thread for bereaved Mummies - the special thread where the light bulb at the end of the tunnel is always lit xx

(1001 Posts)
shabbapinkfrog Sun 30-Aug-09 10:41:42

So pleased that we are all here helping each other walk the 'crappy' path xxxx

shabbapinkfrog Sun 30-Aug-09 10:43:53

this says it all

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Sun 30-Aug-09 11:25:43

Hi there Shabs. I hope you're all well.

It chilly down south today so I'm guessing it's even colder for you lot oop north wink

We're off to Cambridge in a mo, so have a good day all and see you later xxx

shabbapinkfrog Sun 30-Aug-09 11:38:29

Morning moveit - its freeeeeeeeeeezing up here - we have had hardly any Summer <<sigh>> suppose we are luckier than most because we got 2 glorious weeks in Greece wink

lottiejenkins Sun 30-Aug-09 11:52:29

Hi all just saying hello on the new thread!!!

MintPattie Sun 30-Aug-09 12:21:51

Hi thanks for the show of support - it's comforting to have such a community of parents to turn to.

I was a mother and a carer. We nearly lost Jemima to encephalitis when she was just a few weeks old. She survived with widespread brain damage and had quadriplegic cerebral palsy which meant she couldn't sit unassisted, stand, walk, crawl or talk. Despite her physical challenges she was a very bright funny and clever little girl. We were very fortunate that she didn't suffer any health problems at all.

There was no sign of anything wrong when Jemima went to bed that night we lost her. It's believed she suffered a seizure so big that it didn't even wake her - just stopped her heart. She didn't even call out. I found her in the morning.

We moved back to Oz to be closer to family and even though we've brought Jemima's ashes with us, a part of me feels like we've left her behind.....certainly all of the places filled with memories have been left behind.

I really don't know what we'll do for the 10th - I have a terrible cold feeling of horror in the pit of my stomach if that makes sense, and a vague sense of panic. I am grateful Jemima's little brother who's now 2.8 yrs gives me a reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Sorry for such a long post X

shabbapinkfrog Sun 30-Aug-09 15:48:16

Oh my word Jemima sounds an incredible little girl. I think we can all identify with the shock you must have felt - the shock that makes you feel empty inside. Im glad you told us about her.

Candles will be lit here for Jemima. We always do that for our precious babies remember days...its really the only thing we can do to honour them. BUT we can, and do, listen to each other, often cry with each other and offer support for each other always xxxx

hazygirl Sun 30-Aug-09 16:53:52

afternoon girlsx

tinkerbellesmuse Sun 30-Aug-09 18:17:24

I hope it is not inappropriate me posting on this thread but oh goodness I have never heard that song before and I'm now here in floods.

DS was stillborn on 5th August we'd known for a week prior to his birth that he was so sick he couldn't survive. I think I'm still in shock - the entire pregnancy and birth feels like a distant dream.

Apart from a couple of photos there is nothing tangiable of him left and no real memories. Just a wish that we'd had time to make some.

I'm hoping it gets easier but difficult to imagine at the moment

shabbapinkfrog Sun 30-Aug-09 18:42:05

tinkerbelle - not inappropriate at all...glad you found us just wish that we could all have meet under happier circumstances.

The song is breathtaking isint it? One of our lovely mums - Lottie - first introduced me to it and I still struggle to listen to it without sobbing everywhere. I think the words are so true.

So very sorry to hear about your DS. So sad. You will feel 'better' (whatever that is!) but it takes time. The longing never goes away - I lost my two sons many, many years ago but older grief still bites me on the bum when I least expect it.

What did you call your DS? I have had 4 DS's and I love little lads. xxx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Sun 30-Aug-09 19:51:28

Thanks for sharing Jemima's story MintPattie.

I (and others on here) have often found the build up to anniv's worse than the actual day. The dread builds up and then is released in a huge wave of grief on the day, but somehow you feel better for the release.

We had had ds2 about 2 months before the anniv of ds1 death, so we went to visit Cole's grave and made a point of spending the day together and doing family stuff. Do whatver feels right for you, there is no right or wrong.

Hi Tinkerbellesmuse, so sorry to hear about your darling ds. I can imagine you are still in a very bad place. It's something you never expect to happen to you isn't it?

You will eventually feel better than the place you are in now. It will take time. But one day you will realise you haven't thought about your ds for say 10 minutes, when previously he was constantly on your mind. Then on another day you'll find you haven't thought about him for an hour, and so on. You will have wobbles along the way, but it will get better. The early days are the hardest and the darkest.

Love to us all and our darling darling children, whether they be here beside us or playing together in the stars xxx

frasersmummy Sun 30-Aug-09 20:24:28

Hi Tinkerbell as we always say.. we are glad you have come to join us but sorry to meet you in such horrid circumstances

My little boy was stillborn over 5 years ago and I remember only too well the day we were told we had lost him and the sheer emptiness I felt after the birth. If you dont mind me asking how many weeks gone were you ??

The feeling of having nothing tangible never really leaves you I am afraid ... All I have are a set of handprints and footprints, a lock of hair and a few photos

I totally understand you feeling like it was all a bad dream.. some days I feel like that and other days its soo real it feels like your heart will break. At the moment the bad times will outnumber the good

The bad times will never disappear they will get fewer though and you will get good times in between

In the meantime .. be kind to yourself, crty shout, talk and dare I say even smile and laugh if you feel like it.. in short do whatever you heart tells you

We are here if you want to talk

That song has moved me to tears as well

shabbapinkfrog Mon 31-Aug-09 00:37:49

Oh girls can you imagine all our beloved children playing together. My lads, and everlongs, and che's Billy would be looking after the younger ones.....oh it makes me smile and cry at the same time.....they will be causing havoc in heaven grin

shabbapinkfrog Mon 31-Aug-09 07:48:52

Morning girls xx

Deemented Mon 31-Aug-09 08:33:50

Thanks for starting this thread, Shabs, and for looking after Ciarans one so well. I'm sorry i wasn't around more to look after it.... i just... my heads not in a good place right now.

On September the ninth, it will be five years since my boys were born. Five years since Ciaran died. Five years. It's not fair. I want him back here. He hould be here playing with his brother, driving me up the wall. I miss him so so much. My arms ache to hold him again, just one last time. I miss my baby.

shabbapinkfrog Mon 31-Aug-09 08:40:05

No problem at all Dee - thinking about you and hoping that everything is going ok. I still get those feelings all these years down the line and yes you are right its not fair xxxx

frasersmummy Mon 31-Aug-09 09:08:59

morning girls

No its not fair is it??

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Mon 31-Aug-09 09:58:52

Hi Dee. I've seen you around and I noticed on a thread just now that you're having a hard time with reconciling this pregnancy.

A few of us have been through similar when pregnant again, so if you need to chat just come on here and say WHATEVER you are feeling. We will understand and you won't be judged.

Deemented Mon 31-Aug-09 10:34:23

What i'm scared of most is that this baby will be a boy.

If it is... what do i say to people when they ask... how do i explain that i already have two sons, but one is dead? I'm so sick of having to explain it all the time... it wears me out emotionaly and physicaly.

I go for a scan on Friday, an anomaly scan, and i do intend to find out the sex, because if it is a boy, then there is a chance that it could develop the same condition that Ciaran had, or a related kidney/renal problem. I need to know for my own piece of mind.

But i'm scared. It just all feels like it's too much too soon.

shabbapinkfrog Mon 31-Aug-09 10:48:56

Oh Dee - come here and give me a hug!

I have finally started to say to people, when asked about my children, 'I have had four sons.' Then, depending on how I am feeling, I may tell them what has happened, or I may not.

I thought that Matt would have heart defects like his big brother and then I was convinced Tom would have them.

Its the most awful mix of emotions. Keep posting on here my love - I think everybody will have had these thoughts at some time or another.

Sending massive hugs xxxxx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Mon 31-Aug-09 12:31:33

We also found out the sex at our 20 week scan as we knew we would need some time to process how we felt if it was a boy. I felt I was having a boy anyway so it wasn't a shock when the sonographer confirmed we were having another boy, and actually it was fine. We were both fine about it. What will be, will be. We were blessed he was healthy and growing well.

I still don't know how to answer the how many children do you have question. Sometimes I feel comfortable enough with a person to talk about Cole. Then other times I just say yes when they ask if M is our first. I am not denying Cole, I just can't get into the whole emotional thing with people - who are often strangers in the street who I will never meet again.

You don't owe anyone an explanation about anything if you don't want to.

Are you able to speak to your dp about how you are feeling? I really do find a problem shared is a problem halved.

I've got everything crossed for Friday xxx

shabbapinkfrog Mon 31-Aug-09 12:47:26

chegirl just watched you on ITV!! Love all the butterflies xx

frasersmummy Mon 31-Aug-09 15:04:35

Mintpattie Sounds like you had a very special little girl. I know you dont think so right now , and you are probably sick of hearing this but... you are a very strong lady. You have been through so much already and you will find the strength to get through the 10th. That said I know how hard the build up to remember days are.. please keep posting here .. we will do our best to support you .

frasersmummy Mon 31-Aug-09 15:20:05

Oh Dee I know exactly what you mean. We found out the sex because I knew I would need time to adjust either way

tbh I dont think it matters if you have a boy or a girl in terms of people asking how many kids do you have.

We found when we were first faced with the question that couldnt deny Fraser and we told everyone about him.

Then as you say it becomes emotionally draining and if a complete stranger he your only one you find yourself saying yes.

The first few times I did this I came home in tears feeling so guilty for having denied him

But as the years pass you realise you cant put yourself through an emotional wringer each time someone asks you and you find youself selecting who to tell and who not to

I know its wrong but sometimes when srangers push the question of "why are you not having any more" I tell them about Fraser just to make them stop going on blush

but as you are learning and will continue to learn Dee you do whatever you have to keep going day to day

frasersmummy Mon 31-Aug-09 15:23:37

what did I miss on ITV.. tell me tell me?

Hey tinkerbell how are you doing today?

Can you tell I have the day off and Ross is at nursery

I am (ahem) having a clear out of clothes ..not watching romantic comedys , eating chocolate and talking to you guys grin

its soo nice to have some me time

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