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The never-ending love story : Mia

(93 Posts)
MiaAlexandrasmummy Wed 23-Apr-14 23:11:11

Two and a half years ago today, we woke to a little red-head climbing all over us, giggling and smiling, as she always did. It was Mr Mia's birthday, and all kinds of festivities were planned. Who ever knew that our world would change forever, when Mia died unexpectedly after only five hours in hospital.

Since then, we have been through the worst of days. Days I would never wish upon anyone, dark days without hope, without understanding, in an abyss of pain and confusion.

And I cried and I wrote. Here and in real life, I found so many friends, kind hearts willing to listen and support and encourage me to remember my cheeky girl with her crazy scream and sweet antics. Shared pain, unexpected but unstinting friendships, for which I will always be grateful.

We have been through Mia's inquest, have worked with the hospital to improve its care, and established Mia's Wood in her name. And when Finn arrived in our lives, joy re-entered as well. I still believe he is Mia's birthday present to me.

We find Mia's presence in so many things now. The ring I wear. The cloud kisses we see in the sky. The blackbird who sings on the rooftop. The iris and rose and red oak planted in our garden. The smile on her little brother's face, and the same look of wonder and curiosity.

Good friends also send me their thoughts of Mia, whether it is from a dream, something their children have said, a poem remembered. Knowing that Mia is still in their minds is enormously touching.

Mia is still with us, just not in a way I want. But it is all I have. So this is part of Mia's story, keeping her in our lives.

Mia darling, I just want you to know how much we love you. I want you to know that I carry you in my heart forever.

This is my love song to you, beautiful girl.

Mummy xx

eightytwenty Wed 23-Apr-14 23:16:53

You write so beautifully, so glad you decided to carry on. Thoughts with you so often.

Jinglebells99 Wed 23-Apr-14 23:18:28

Hugs to you, Mia's mummy. I have followed your threads since you first started posting and am glad you will continue. You write so beautifully about Mia.

trulymadlydeeply Thu 24-Apr-14 16:16:10

Hi Mia's. I'm so glad you decided to carry on writing.

I dreamed about you all last night. We were in Mia's wood together (no idea why I was there) planting a tree with copper leaves and Finn reached up and touched a leaf and said "Mia" and we all hugged him. I woke up thinking that her wood is a place I must visit.

I hope you are OK, Mia's and that you are happy with your decision to keep on writing - as we all are!

Lots of love. X xx

50ShadesofXmas Fri 25-Apr-14 21:30:00

You write with such love, so beautifully inspirational. The biggest of hugs to you.

RandallFloyd Fri 25-Apr-14 21:39:43

Beautiful words for a beautiful girl. xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy Fri 25-Apr-14 22:51:14

Hello friends, thank you for joining me once more.

truly I am comfortable with being able to write again, but I had been wondering if I had anything worthwhile or interest to say.

And I would love it if you'd like to visit Mia's Wood. In fact, there is an open invitation to you all here to join us at MiaFest in September 20-21 - just PM me if you and your children would like to come along.

I wanted to share a poem a friend sent me about ten days ago. She heard it on a film and thought the words were beautiful, and it made her think of me and Mia...

I carry your heart with me.
I carry it in my heart.
I am never without it.
Anywhere I go, you go, my dear.
And whatever is done by only me...
is your doing, my darling.
I fear no fate...
for you are my fate, my sweet.
I want no world, for, beautiful...
you are my world, my true.
Here is the deepest secret no one knows.
Here is the root of the root...
and the bud of the bud...
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life...
which grows higher than the soul can hope...
or mind can hide.
It is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.
I carry your heart.
I carry it in my heart.

E.E. Cummings

Just perfect. Just Mia. So very true.

Jumblebee Fri 25-Apr-14 23:10:07

When I read your original post, the words you wrote reminded me of 'I Carry Your Heart', it's a beautiful poem. I wrote it out and put it in my DD's baby book so when she's older she can read it and love it as much as I do.

You write so eloquently and beautifully, do not stop because it is lovely to experience such love!

LucyBabs Fri 25-Apr-14 23:14:49

How old was Mia when she passed away?

Such a lovely poem to remind us. Like you say though you can remember Mia in many ways but not have her here as you want her sad x

MiaAlexandrasmummy Fri 25-Apr-14 23:29:21

Jumble I think I only say what every parent feels about their children. We all love them so very pasdionateky.

lucy Mia was only 13 months old, with soft red curls, four teeth, an ear-piercing scream and the biggest smile in the world. She would be just over 3 and a half. Even now, I find it unbelievable that she is not here.

MiaAlexandrasmummy Fri 25-Apr-14 23:29:58


Jumblebee Fri 25-Apr-14 23:42:19

That is true, I never realised I could love so fiercely until I became a mother.

LucyBabs Sat 26-Apr-14 15:11:46

Oh that is so young sad

Lots of love to you MiaAlexandrasmummy

bluehearted Sat 26-Apr-14 17:19:29

That poem by Cummings means so much to me and just reading that and your beautiful words about Mia made me cry.

Your strength amazes and inspires me. Your son is a very lucky boy and Mia is always with you... Sending thoughts and love to you and yours thanks

Mojito100 Tue 29-Apr-14 15:04:01

Mias, I so support what everyone else has said. Please do always write about your beautiful family here. You write so beautifully it touches me every time I read one of your posts.

janey68 Tue 29-Apr-14 17:08:49

Please keep writing. Mia lives on in your words, and is an inspiration

MiaAlexandrasmummy Tue 29-Apr-14 22:17:20

A friend has just sent me a photo she took of Mia in the summer of 2011. It's one I've never seen before, so it is extra-precious, a rare glimpse of my little girl through the eyes of someone else. Mia is sitting in my arms in the sunshine, and she is looking directly at the camera. And her solemn expression, rounded cheeks, upturned nose and lack of hair make me see just how much Finn resembles his big sister. It is startling.

She looks into my soul, even now. So beautiful. Love you.

Astralabe Fri 02-May-14 21:33:28

Wow I can imagine how startling that must have been as an image. A beautiful chance to see your Mia from another set of eyes. X

MiaAlexandrasmummy Sun 04-May-14 20:33:29

Yesterday was truly a Mia day.

We spent the day in glorious spring sunshine at Mia's Wood with good friends, who are unfailing in their loyalty, and spent the day weeding around her trees while Finn and Mia's little friends ran around. At one point, a little mini-tornado came through, swirling the leaves and grasses high up into the sky. I'd never seen one here before, and I'm sure we all had the same thought, wondering if it was Mia…

Last night, a "Leafy Loveliness" blanket was started by the amazing WoollyHugs crew, which will be done in autumnal colours and a woodland theme, and they have kindly offered to auction it to raise funds for Mia's Wood. I think I am even going to try to knit a square, and I already have family and friends overseas keen to contribute as well.

Then just now, I heard from another MN friend - she had a dream where she met Mia last night. She asked Mia how she was, and kissed her cheek, and even in her dream, she knew how special it was to see her.

It might sound strange under the circumstances, but I feel fortunate, having all this Mia love around me, all at once.

LilyTheSavage Thu 08-May-14 16:04:58

Hi Mia's. You inspire me to find joy and comfort in the ordinary things around us and to search for memories of Paddy in these. It's a wild windy wet day today and Paddy (as a tree surgeon) would have been cold and wet and rosy cheeked and smelling of the outdoors when he came home.

Little rainbow Finn is truly the best birthday present you could have had.


myitchybeaver Thu 08-May-14 16:14:48

I've not posted on your threads before but have followed your story from the beginning.

What has stopped me posting is that I have a little red-headed girl the same age as your beautiful Mia. I suppose a silly type of survivor guilt or something.

I just wanted to say that you continue to be an inspiration to me, I think of Mia often and in many ways your story makes me appreciate my daughter even more than I already do.

I know it has been said before but you are an fantastic writer (perhaps you do this for a living?) and your words are just beautiful. This is a real gift and I look for your updates because I love that Mia remains alive in these threads but also that I hear from YOU because you sound like an amazing woman.

Lots of love to you all xxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy Mon 19-May-14 22:44:32

We're just back from a lovely holiday in the sun - complete with grand-parents, an aunt and a little cousin. Little Cousin is only three months younger than Finn, exactly the same age gap between Mia and her cousin L.

Finn and Little Cousin become so excited when they see one another - he seeks her out for a kiss (and then probably a hug-come-tackle to the floor, as he is significantly bigger than her) and he calls her Didi. She frogmarches over with a happy shriek to pat him on the head, and kicks her legs in excitement and waves her arms when she sees him. They giggle delightfully at each other, even at this young age, egging each other on, ending up in true belly laughs. It is beautiful to see.

Two other older cousins have a similar close friendship, even though they are soon approaching a more self-conscious age. But the middle pairing of mutual love is incomplete. Cousin L was found last week cuddling a photo of Mia. For no particular reason other than she wanted to.

So watching Finn and Little Cousin is beautiful, but heart-wrenching.

Justeat Tue 20-May-14 20:30:02

Welcome home.
Poor L.
I have dead cousins and I never forget them.
Your thread makes me cry, u r so strong.

resipsa Tue 20-May-14 20:54:43

You're fantastic. I'm in tears. Finn is a lucky boy to have you (and you him, of course).

LilyTheSavage Thu 22-May-14 08:32:53

So glad you had a good holiday. What lovely images you share with us of Finn and Little Cousin. Memories to treasure.
Much love. thanks

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