to be angry that my son has lied to me about where he is staying tonight

[lividmum]

Hope you can help me get some perspective on this.

DS1 (14) had a 10pm curfew tonight. He didn't make the curfew so I rang him and he said he was staying at his friend's house. I said I wasn't happy (as he had previously agreed the 10pm curfew) but OK as long as he wasn't still out and about at that time. I asked to speak to his friend's mum to check she was OK with that (we do this often to make sure our DSs are where they say they are) and he then blurted out that he was staying with another friend (a girl). I asked to speak to one of her parents as I don't know the girl and was told by my DS1 that I couldn't as they were out for the evening and not coming back until the morning. Apparantly her parents had told her she could have a couple of friends over but I am assuming they didn't mean half a dozen 13-14 year olds (boys) (I could hear other voices in the background).

Anyway the upshot of this is that he has refused to come home and I don't know where the girl lives so I've had no choice but to leave it at that and hope that they behave themselves.

What would you do? I'm just so cross (a) that he lied about it and (b) that he has refused my request to come home.

Thanks for reading.

[JenniPenni]

YANBU - he has lied, and caused you worry - you have no idea where he is, do you? I hope you get some sleep tonight.

I would ground him big time.

[lividmum]

Thanks Jenni - yes that's the plan. Will try to ground him for the whole of tomorrow but could be difficult as I have no idea when he will come home.

[3littlefrogs]

This is remarkably common. I would be willing to bet that the parents would not be happy.

If you have no way of locating him or the parents, all you can do is wait till he turns up, then apply sanctions: grounding, no allowance etc.

However, and this is my recommendation to all parents of preadolescent dcs - this is why it is really important to insist on a list of friends names and addresses plus mobile phone numbers of parents, as soon as they get to secondary school, and keep it up to date.

I have nipped many a venture like this in the bud, because I have been able to talk to parents.

The chances are he will be ok, but it is very worrying for you.

[WolframAlpha]

I would ground him for longer than tomorrow...

[3littlefrogs]

You need to think very carefully about a list of ground rules now. Write them down. List the consequences of unacceptable behaviour so that everyone is quite clear.

I wrote a contract and got DS1 to sign it. Sanctions were financial - the only thing that made an impact.

With boys, I think writing it down is the only way to avoid misunderstandings and arguments.

You will have a sleepless night (been there, got the Tshirt) but as I said, he will probably be ok.

[SoupDragon]

Ground him for tomorrow?? It would be a long time before I trusted one of mine out again after that behaviour.

[Niftyblue]

Could you not contact any of his friends parents who he may be with and find out the address of this girl house

[3littlefrogs]

He is putting on a show of bravado because the others are all listening.( I would be willing to bet).

[lividmum]

Thanks 3littlefrogs I agree. I do have most of the numbers of his friends as I jot them down when they ring here (caller display)and I have quite a collection now much to DS1's disgust. However, this is a friend I don't know anything about as she doesn't ever call here.

Anyway, let's hope the girl's parents don't come back too early tomorrow morning!! .

[mrsmike]

lividmum I feel for you - similar happened to me this week - ds2 (15) wouldn't even tell me who he was with, or where, but turned up safe and sound the next morning. Needless to say there has been a very unfriendly atmosphere in the house since and he has had no pocket money. The idea of having a list of all friends names & addresses is a good one but wouldn't work in our case as friends are so fluid and just disappear and new ones pop up all the time, aarrrgghhhhh, tis a nightmare trying to keep tabs on things, I will be so glad when he is grown up and sensible

[3littlefrogs]

I would be phoning round the friends' parents - maybe some of them are with him, having told their parents a pack of lies too. Worth a try - if one of my kids was there with him I would want to know.

[Overmydeadbody]

I agree shineon, it's the refusal to come home and not telling you where he is that would be the big issues for me.

[catwalker]

What????!!!!!! If my 14 year old boy (who is tucked up in his own bed upstairs) was staying in an unknown location with other 13/14 year old boys and GIRLS and no adult in the house, I'd ring him back and tell him he either comes straight home/tells me where he is so I can collect him, OR I'm calling the police. And, I'm very good at bluffing and I'd make him believe I really would. And I'd make him believe that once they found out his location they'd prosecute the girl's parents for child neglect etc (lay it on with a trowel)

For goodness sake - you can't let him get away with lying to you like this and refusing to tell you where he is. What does he have that he values? X Box? Gameboy? TV in his room? Pocket money? Remove them and tell him he can have them back when he understands the seriousness of what he's done and when you feel you can trust him again. But DON'T let him get away with it or he'll make your life a misery. He's 14 - still a child and needs to stick to the rules for his own safety.

[tiredsville]

Definitely ground him, teenagers do tell porkies fair enough but the refusal to come home after he's been caught warrants a grounding.

[3littlefrogs]

And yes - I would be grounding him for a long time, and confiscating stuff, to be earned back by good behaviour.

[Niftyblue]

Agree with catwalker
threaten him with the police
he come homes or else
Because techinically(sp) he is missing
You don`t know where he is and he is only 14

[mamas12]

Poor you Definitely go with shineons suggestion with the added threatened embarressment of contacting all his friends parents tonight if he hasn't returned by ... o'clock does he need a lift to make it in time?
I find the public humiliation thing works well.
How many numbers do you have and how many can those numbers turn into more numbers.
I would be ring ing everyone and getting the whole town phoning around to find out who knows what is going on at this mystery house.

[catwalker]

I'd ground him until he was 18 for this

[3littlefrogs]

The trouble is, catwalker, where I live the police wouldn't be interested, and the kids know that.

[WolframAlpha]

I would also text him and say he either gets in a taxi right now, or when you have found out where he is, and you will, you/dh will come and get him.

Tell him if he doesn't call you back you are going to start calling every number you have and making a big old scene.

[HolyGuacamole]

Oh that takes me back. Mind you, I wasn't as young as 14 when I was up to tricks like that, more like 16.

Grounded big time. No Playstation, no new clothes and plenty of household chores....and a good talking to about responsibility coupled with the effects of his lying.

I know you are probably really worrying but try not to (I know, easier said than done), it will all be fun to him.....until the reality of tomorrow hits him. I remember what it is like at that age and trying not to lose face in front of your friends, acting all smart and adult, testing the boundaries etc. Then when he gets home, he will see your disappointment and be like a puppy dog with tail between his legs.

If there is no chance of getting hold of him him tonight, try and hold your water until tomorrow.