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to specify "no violent toys please" on party invite

(256 Posts)
loobeylou Fri 26-Sep-08 21:08:35

Ds will be 4 soon

he went to a party at the weekend where another boy was whacking everyone with a plastic sword. His parents were not there, so the bad behaviour went unchecked, largely. Tho people told him not to, I guess noone felt they had the right to take it from him/cause a scene.since Ds started nursery he has been coming home shooting his finger at us "You're a nasty person and i'm shooting you dead" etc

this horrifies me, I will not accept that is just how boys are. Nursery are very good, they do not own any violent toys and tell them not to play those sorts of games, but it is hard because there are some boys who will pick up a stick, train or lego brick and pretend it is a gun, and the boys are young and only doing what they do at home (I assume). I think it is so sad.

any way, we really do not want ds to ever have any weapon type toys, Is it BU or OK to put on party invite something like "X would like Y to come to his party. Please do not feel obliged to buy a gift, but if you would like to , please respect our wishes and do not buy anything of a violent nature, thanks"

anyone any experience?

AIBU?

otherwise I dread him getting stuff we really don't like and having to hide it from him/send to charity shop

SlartyBartFast Fri 26-Sep-08 21:10:22

i would just put them on top of the cupboard,
most kids make sticks into guns if necessary, it is just play acting after all.
my ds shaped his lego into a gun shape, despite me never buying guns.

i htink you are being unreasonable personally.

LadyOfWaffle Fri 26-Sep-08 21:10:46

If I were you I wouldn't, but if you get the toys explain to your DS why they are 'bad' and dispose of.

AnarchyAunt Fri 26-Sep-08 21:11:47

Ummmm.

I agree with you. But lots of people won't, and will think YABU.

I'd say nothing and just get rid of hide any guns etc.

WilfSell Fri 26-Sep-08 21:11:58

I totally understand your wish to avoid violent. Unfortunately a. you're going to be utterly trashed on here; and b. I don't think there is much you can do about boys being violent. It is such a strong part of masculine culture in young boys, I think you're - excuse the analogy - fighting a losing battle.

there's nothing wrong with you putting them in the bin when he's not looking but TBH I think you risk making the 'forbidden' seem exciting.

I despise violence of any kind but surrounded by other boys who don't care and parents who encourage it, it's a struggle. I have taught my eldest two that there is a difference between play violence and real violence and that while one is OK, really hurting others is not and has horrible consequences. I think this prepares them for real life.

WilfSell Fri 26-Sep-08 21:12:59

violent toys

Heated Fri 26-Sep-08 21:15:08

It's actually very hard to buy a toy gun - honestly!

I wouldn't put anything on the invite. We usually put presents away anyway as it's a bit overwhelming to have them all at once & some are geared more for another season.

elmoandella Fri 26-Sep-08 21:15:56

you cant put something like this on an invite.

and i read some research somewhere (wish i could remember where ) that had proved that children who grew up playing what you would class as violent. cowboys and indians/cops and robber, etc would be less likely to have any sort of dealing with weapons in leter life. by banning these items early on you were creating something for them they would inevitable find a facination with in later life.

teenage boys who were used to role playing early on would see guns and toys as childsplay and immature

those who it was forbidden thouht it was "cool" and start experimenting behind their parents backs with minor things like pocket knifes.and in later life led to more serious weapons.

this is not true in all cases. but in general all young males conformed this way.

Feenie Fri 26-Sep-08 21:16:32

My friend used to ban her violent toys from her now grown up sons. She says it never worked, they even used to nibble Nice biscuits into gun shapes! They are both lovely adults, btw. Not sure how I feel about it for my 2.9 ds - I played with guns and potato guns, etc, don't feel in had a negative impact on me.

Bramshott Fri 26-Sep-08 21:16:40

If I got an invitation like that I would probably think hmm, but would understand why you were doing it. FWIW I think that boys will probably playing "killing" games regardless of whether that's what they do at home - it's just something they do.

Sidge Fri 26-Sep-08 21:16:42

I agree with WilfSell - I don't think YABU but if you wrote that on a party invite the other parents would either think you were a bit soft and bonkers or that you were insinuating that their sons are fledgling axe murderers.

Take what comes and filter it into the regifting pile!

Overmydeadbody Fri 26-Sep-08 21:17:34

Unfortunately I think you would be being unreasonable to put this on the party invite, it can seem a bit rude, or like you feel superior to the other parents (that's how it may come across)

DS has never been given a toy weapon as a present, so I don't think it warrants a notice on the invite.

Seriously though, your DS will make weapons out of anything, whether you buy him them or not. It is what boys do, you will not be able to control it.

I don't want to buy DS replica guns, but won't stop him making guns out of lego, sticks, his fingers, toothbrush, crust of toast et. etc. as it is just a ohase they go through. A normal part of development.

He has lots of swards though, I don't see what's wrong with them, it's a skill to use a sword properly, like fencing, I don't see any harm in it being part of his imaginary play either, it's just part of dressing up to be a pirate as far as DS is concerned.

SlartyBartFast Fri 26-Sep-08 21:17:38

actually ds' first gun was the crust of a piece of toast.

he is not going to become a mass murderer or a violent psychopath - i am pretty sure.

MARGOsBeenPlayingWithMyNooNoo Fri 26-Sep-08 21:18:03

<decides against the cat o'nine tails present for friends son>

NotAnOtter Fri 26-Sep-08 21:19:40

no you are not being unreasonable

this 'kids make guns out of toast' argument really gets my goat tbh

not all boys like to play killing/maiming

morocco Fri 26-Sep-08 21:19:57

fair enough if you want to put that on the invite. at least then you don't have to take the toy off him afterwards.

(but I don't think the way boys turn everything into a weapon is cultural but innate, not nec just to boys either. we are a violent and tool making species)

LittleBella Fri 26-Sep-08 21:20:12

Sorry I think you're being unreasonable. If I got an invitation like that I'd larf. And then tut as I tried to find a birthday budget toy that isn't actually violent.

LOL at the fledgling ax murderers

SlartyBartFast Fri 26-Sep-08 21:20:29

why does it get your goat notanotter?

Dragonbutter Fri 26-Sep-08 21:20:47

I think it would be better just to say 'no gifts please'.
especially if you're likely to get all offended if the gifts aren't right.

elmoandella Fri 26-Sep-08 21:21:24

notanotter

that goes without saying. not all girls play with dolls either.

NotAnOtter Fri 26-Sep-08 21:22:15

overmydeadbody knife crime is a HUGE problem - dont see what is wrong with swords? hmm

as for guns

loobeylou Fri 26-Sep-08 21:23:02

LOL at nibbling biscuits into gun shapes!!

yes, i thought there would be 2 camps on this one.

It just seems so widespread, and thats at nursery age, never mind some of the violent video games i know they will all be playing in a few years.

I just do not get why anyone wants to allow their son to "pretend" to be killing someone. Makes me feel ill. Though I expect cops and robbers "Stop or I'll shoot" type thing is not so bad as just "bang bang youre dead"

Its so hard , I just want to sheild my baby from the bad bits of the world

SlartyBartFast Fri 26-Sep-08 21:23:52

i was just the same as you looby lou smile

pointydog Fri 26-Sep-08 21:24:41

But you've said yourself, loobey, if a child wants a toy gun, s/he will make one from lego etc.

To be honest, I would find your wording very wanky.

NotAnOtter Fri 26-Sep-08 21:24:45

i still am loobeylou

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