To say DH can’t go on the stag do?

[coldlistened]

We have just £2000 in savings, we had more but it got wiped out by a private medical surgery for me which was a good few thousand £. I went private to have endometriosis surgery (I have it very severe) as I was in absolute complete agony every day and couldn’t wait on the NHS list for treatment any longer. This is relevant because DH is using it in his argument. DH and his friends are all very outdoorsy, into fishing and hiking and mountain biking etc. His friend is getting married near Christmas and wants to arrange a very extravagant stag do.

10 days in a log cabin in the Canadian Rockies in October, and that is DH’s dream holiday. DH’s flights will be at least £600. The log cabin is going to be £2000 which will be split between the 4 of them. So it’s going to be at least £1100. The stag will be paying for drinks, food and activities.

DH really wants to go and his friends have confirmed they are going. His friends are all well off and in good jobs. He’ll be able to get the leave off. But we will be left with £900 in savings. We’re not really in a position to build our savings up again at the minute, especially with the energy crisis. The £2000 is our emergency fund, and I’m anxious at the thought of half of it being blown like this. And also if it were to be spent on a holiday I feel it’s fairer if it’s a family holiday with me and DC. I work full-time as well as him so I don’t know how I feel about it being spent on his dream holiday while me and DC stay at home.

DH feels I’m being mean. He loves his friends, he works hard (he really does) and feels that he deserves this. It’s not that I don’t want him to go, I know it sounds brilliant for him and he’d love it and if we had the money I’d be thrilled for him but I don’t think we can justify it at the moment.

DH has now said that because our other savings went on my surgery, it’s not fair I’m unsure over his holiday. I think this is unfair, I was in a lot of pain. I’d much rather have not needed the surgery so that I could treat myself with the money instead!

[rolypolydoly]

He's being unreasonable to compare the 2 but I think you're being unreasonable to say he can't go.

Is there any way you can save up from now until he goes to cover the cost?

[coldlistened]

Also just for more context as to why DH is so keen, they are a tight knit group of 4 who’ve known each other since being tiny.

[00100001]

YABU.

[Comedycook]

I'm very easy going about dhs social life but I'd be really unhappy with this situation

[luxxlisbon]

Do you not have discretionary spending allocated to you both each money that he can use for the holiday? For example you each have £200 or whatever a month for personal spending and he would have to save that up for the holiday.

If that is no and you literally break even at the end of the money just from bills then no you are not being unreasonable and a small amount of family savings should not be used on a jollie for one person.

[TheMarvelousMrsMaisel]

YABU.

[SJ179]

IMO it’s a bit selfish to spend that much money on a holiday for just one person when you could all go on a lovely family holiday for that. Don’t think your surgery should be used in the argument either. Hardly the same is it! I’d say he take half of the money to go away, then you take the other half and book somewhere nice for you and your LO.

[FleurDeLizz]

That sounds like an absolute once in a lifetime trip that he won’t have the chance to do again (not like a family holiday at all). If it were my DH I’d be making a plan with him where we can cut back on spending so that we could work towards rebuilding the savings and allowing him to go.

While I don’t think your surgery is or should be a factor, your jealousy absolutely is.

[Quitelikeit]

I would let him go - it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity type of thing - maybe he could take a loan out or something?

Like he said you spent thousands on your surgery - it was optional as you were on a waiting list

YABU

[Trisolaris]

Surgery for someone in severe pain and a holiday are absolutely not the same thing.

You being pain free means you can function better and contribute more to your family, as well as not suffering! Guilting you about using savings for something like that so he can do something completely non-essential is a dick manoeuvre.

[coldlistened]

We’ve been left with very little spare income to save. Our previous savings which went on my surgery and the £2000 we have left were built up pre-DC, pre having a mortgage etc.

The £2000 is our emergency buffer.

I like his friends and genuinely would love him to go, it’s not that. It’s just the money.

[SpiderVersed]

YABU.

He should go, but also plan some cutbacks to help replace the money spent.

[Coronado2]

I wouldn't take you spending money on your surgery onto account, but I would really want my husband to go on his dream holiday if there was any way we could afford it. Going with his group of friends is likely to be the cheapest way it ever happens.

[CrushedPistachios]

I understand why you wouldn’t want to reduce your savings, but I think yabu.

[FleurDeLizz]

You said in your op you’d rather spend the money on a family holiday and don’t want to be left behind so it’s not just the money

[Yellownightmare]

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. He was unfair to compare it to surgery. However, it does sound like a very important trip for him. Rather than playing tit for tat couldn't you sit down like adults and work out how you might rebuild your savings and work together on this.

[Blossom64265]

My DH wouldn’t dream of spending our last 2k of savings on a trip. That is far too low to be thinking about any holiday, let alone a solo holiday.

Using your need for medical care as an argument to deplete the family savings on something frivolous is just low.

[StampOnTheGround]

I'd be letting him go

[Puppyseahorse]

I would expect him to have his own savings account to use on personal discretionary spending. And I would have my own. Too much scope for arguments like this when everything is pooled. Sorry OP, I would have used my own savings account for my surgery as well. I do see where he’s coming from, but I also see your side. I don’t think either of you is being unreasonable.

[RewildingAmbridge]

That actually seems like a good price for a ten day trip long haul. Can he work overtime or a second job to try and save some money towards it? It's not comparable to your surgery but these are people he's been very close too since childhood so I can see why it's important to him

[Vanillalatteplease]

If the trip isn't until October could he get a part time job to make some extra cash?. Seems like it's really important for him to go. I would work with my husband to do whatever we need to do to make it happen.

[Heartbrokenrn]

YABU

[LittleOwl153]

The fact that he is using the surgery against you is HORRIFIC. That would make me think ALOT less of him.

In terms of whether he can go - I would say he cannot use the £2000 savings you have left to go as that is emergency money. If he can raise the money elsewhere - take on extra shifts / second job / save his personal spends etc then OK.

[HotelCaliforniaOnRepeat]

I think he should go. The stag is a red herring, the fact this is his dream is the important bit. Life is short and he's unlikely to get this chance again.

[Rewritethestars1]

If it was my dh dream holiday I'd really want him to go so id discuss how we can afford it and plan on recouping the savings. Can he pick up extra hours at work or something. Could you cut back somewhere else for a short time. I know money and savings are hugely important but this seems a once in a lifestyle thing and you only live once.