If you wanted 3 but stuck with 2 did you make peace with it?

[gruffaloo]

Not really sure where to post this but decided to do it here for traffic.

We're deliberating the prospect of a third. I've gone back and read as many of the "should we have a third?" threads.

What I'd love to know is if you were keen on a third child but for whatever reason didn't go ahead with it, did you make peace with that decision?

I'd like a third but it's not an easy child to justify. There are lots of rational reasons for two but I feel I may regret not having three? But perhaps this is something I can over come? Something that is just short-lived?

I have a 3 year old, and a 1 year old.

I would have loved to have had a third! But I was a late mother. So felt I was just getting to old and didn’t have the energy. Maybe if we could have afforded a nanny i would have done!

I am at peace with my decision. But If I was younger I would have had a third.

However, whilst I think that, I do know money played a part. Most things are geared up for 2 adults and 2 children. Holidays would be more expensive along with the need of a bigger car. But If you can afford it - go for it :-)

I have two 3.5 year olds, and would’ve loved more. DH is against it, and since they’ve turned 2 I am more towards sticking at 2. Main reasons are we can give them a better lifestyle, less money worries, more time and they’re rather full on so I don’t think I could cope with any more. If we had a surprise baby then obviously we’d just get on with it, but sadly I don’t think it’s something we’ll actively go for. I used to want 4...!

I won’t lie, it too, me a long time. Your DC are very young, some of the happiest families we know had a break of a few years between no 2 and 3. Maybe try to put it aside for a few years and reconsider then? (Unless there are other factors to be considered).

Also at 1 your youngest is emerging from babyhood and it’s a common time to feel the urge for a newborn again. With a bit of time for the hormones to settle you might make a clearer decision.

I have an 8 and a 5. Lockdown made me really grateful we didn’t have a 3rd.

Twins run in my family. So I was terrified with both pregnancies I was having twins and ultimately this is what has put me off any more kids more than any thing else. And I had a horrendous birth with DS1 and and horrendous pregnancy with DS2.

I don't know you're full reasons for thinking three is a bad idea. For us it is bigger car, bigger house, childcare costs (we are now not paying for childcare as I WFH). But I think DH would deal with it if we were guaranteed a girl. But twins still puts me off.

I had a similar age gap as you do. I couldn't stomach having another when mine were so little.

really wanted a 3rd, but it didn't happen. Got a dog instead and he's the best!

We have 2 and we both would like a 3rd. However, our DD’s are 8 and 11 now and I do wonder if I want to go back and do it all over again. I feel the gap is too big.
I’m 1 of 6 and I’ve always wanted a big family as well. So I do feel there are people missing when I look at our family photos.
I’m only 30 so we do have time on our side. I feel the same that I worry I will regret not having a 3rd, but I’m also aware of the rational reasons to stick to 2.. and the environmental reasons. But the heart wants what the heart wants. It’s hard.

Also for me,
I imagine 10 years time.
I will be 40 and my DD’s will be 21 and 18.
I feel like I would then get my life back, so why rock the boat now.
Argh I’m just not sure.

Yes I definitely made peace with it. My two are 3.5 and 5 and since the youngest turned 3 life has become so easy (most of the time!) and I've stopped agonising over it.

Spending time at my sister's house really helped, she has three and it's a shit show compared to my house. Don't get me wrong she's a great mum and I love her DC but the dynamic of three is just so different and it's all so wild and noisy. Mine can be noisy but it doesn't compare and realised just how much I value a calm house. Also my other sister came to stay with her baby DD and I really enjoyed having the baby around but I realised I loved it because I could give her back. You forget how boring/tiring that stage is.

Also, while we are financially comfortable I've recently had a taste of just how much more expensive DC get as they get older - I don't want to give any more of my money away! There'd have to be too many sacrifices of the nice things in life and I don't want to sacrifice any more than I already have.

When it came down to it when I REALLY thought about it - there was absolutely no logical reason to have a third child, I was in love with the idea of it. I suspect I'd regret the reality. Hormones definitely have a part to play as I could track my extreme broodiness to my cycle. Once I realised that, it made any longing go away quick sharp as I don't want to be a slave to stupid biological urges! I like to think I'm more evolved than that

Yes. I had DD1 at 36 and DD2 at 38. I MMC before DD1 and one MC after. I'm in my mid 40s now. The idea of a baby is exhausting. There is no way I'd manage energy wise.

We got a puppy. She's now 9 months old and has been waaaaayyyyyy easier than either DC! 😀

Oh one of the other big deciders was the fact that I would never be the mum I wanted to be to three children. I struggle to split my time between two as it is, I'm easily overwhelmed and would feel huge guilt about not giving them individual attention. Some parents are great at multitasking and juggling the demands but I not and I would hate that feeling of failure and I know myself well enough to know it would be inevitable.

I'm with you OP, been trying for a year for a third (one chemical pregnancy in that time) and having to come to terms with the fact it probably won't happen now. I think DH's swimmers are probably duff but he won't change his lifestyle.

I'm grateful I've got 2 but I really did want one more.

We have 2 children of our own however our family motto is, ‘there is always room for one more’.
One more space in the car
One more for a sleepover
One more for dinner
One foster child
A space and a welcome if you ever need it.
Actually not having the third child turned out to be one of the most wonderful thing we never did.

I would love a 3rd and still trying to come to terms that it wont happen.

My head is being logical, extra expense, being tired, the noise, the general logistics and the strain on my body.

My heart... I want to carry another little person, I want the birth experience, the smell, the way they develop.... but it's what I want and not what we want.

What I want and what I should do for the good of my family are 2 different things.
. Doesnt mean it's not hard and DH doesnt understand that I need to grieve he thinks I should just get over it

Yes and no. My DC are 11 & 10 now and I'm now in my mid 40s. I've accepted it's too late and would be incredibly hard work to manage a baby with such a big age gap. But I still have 'what if?' moments and don't feel that I closed that chapter of my life properly.

I always wanted 3 but my husband wanted to stick with 2. We stopped after 2 and I was worried that I would always yearn for that missing child but I can hand on heart say I’ve made peace with it. Lots of practical reasons for sticking with 2, not to mention the impact on the planet - but as per a PP, the thing that swung it for me in the end was admitting that I don’t feel I give my existing kids enough of my time as it is, do I really want to dilute that even further?

My husband and I both originally wanted 3 children. After having 2, it looks more likely we will stick to 2. Our youngest is almost 2 and still doesn't sleep through, in fact last night she was up hourly. I couldn't imagine starting from the beginning again.

The biggest deciding factor for us is money though. Our eldest does a lot of activities, and we would like the same for our youngest and even that will be a stretch. I wouldn't want my current children to miss out so we could fulfil our want for another child.

I'm still not completely at peace with the decision. Most days I'm happy with it, but I get the odd day where I wonder if it would really be that bad.

The further we get out of the baby stage, the gladder I am that we didn't end up mired there for longer with a 3rd. It was DH's decision not to go there and I can now say it was the right one. There isn't enough of me for 3.

I've had 3 and in hindsight shouldn't have.

But if I had stuck with 2 I think I would always have been unhappy with that too.

When it's only the older 2 about it's so quiet and doesn't feel like a family the way it does with young DC's.

For me whether they are boys/ girls makes a difference too.

I really hate scaring people, I don't want to, but I just need to share my experience so that other women can really consider this possibility. I had two boys, still do, at the time they were 5 and 1 and I had the perfect birth with DC2 me and DH were so so happy and felt like we were complete etc. But we just wanted to try a last time to see what happened. We got pregnant really easy with DC3, we thought everything was fine, bought everything, prepared for everything...but then something went wrong during his birth, and DC3 sadly passed away 7 hours after he was born. This was almost 4 years ago. I still have two beautiful DSs but now I have pretty bad mental health due to losing DC3. Oftentimes I just wish I could go back and be content with the two perfect ones I had, because before losing DC3 I was so happy.

Yes, after DS2 was born I wanted another until he was about 1 and stopped sleeping but by then we had already decided not to have a 3rd for predominantly financial reasons. I was sad to begin with. To give you an idea of timescale, DS1 is 6 and DS2 is 3. But I'm a single parent now, in a year DS2 will be in school, we've just potty trained, I can't imagine going back to the baby stages, no sleep, nappies, maternity leave. I've well and truly moved past that stage. One of my friends had her 3rd last year and her first 2 are similar ages to my first 2, to my surprise I didn't feel any envy at all. Similarly one of my other friends is pregnant atm and again, I don't feel envious - glad that I'm able to get rid of maternity clothes and other baby stuff that I haven't managed to sort yet!

I have 3 now and honestly it’s tough. My 5 year old said to me today “mummy there really should be 3 grown ups in this house for the 3 kids”. So true. I know it will get easier but the thing I’ve found is that I miss my older two so much as I tend to be stuck with the baby and dad is off doing big boy stuff with them. I feel like I just don’t have enough time / energy and always feel like someone is missed out. Obviously covid / lockdowns haven’t helped but homeschooling older 2 with a clingy baby was tough. So I guess I’m saying enjoys the ones you have - you’re getting close to the magic ages where they are so much fun and more independent but still want to be with you

I always used to want 3, but after nearly dieing in childbirth with DC2 I’m happy with what I’ve got. Two beautiful kids, and I couldn’t deliberately put myself in the position where they could end up loosing me. Seeing them play together concretes that. I was one of three and two always ganged up against one.

When they get older I’d like to consider fostering. There are so many kids out there already desperate for loving homes.