If you wanted 3 but stuck with 2 did you make peace with it?

[gruffaloo]

Not really sure where to post this but decided to do it here for traffic.

We're deliberating the prospect of a third. I've gone back and read as many of the "should we have a third?" threads.

What I'd love to know is if you were keen on a third child but for whatever reason didn't go ahead with it, did you make peace with that decision?

I'd like a third but it's not an easy child to justify. There are lots of rational reasons for two but I feel I may regret not having three? But perhaps this is something I can over come? Something that is just short-lived?

I have a 3 year old, and a 1 year old.

Just read a thread about sugar on weetabix and honestly thought this was about having an extra shredded wheat 🙈
I’ve got older DC than yours and now expecting a 3rd after being convinced we were ‘done’ I just wanted another! I definitely feel like I’d have regretted it if we hadn’t tried.

I desperately wanted three, but I've stuck with two.

Several reasons - my two DC are twins so I've only had the experience of having babies once. They were very premature and poorly, and it was traumatic. That was amplified by the fact I split up with my partner when I was 8 wks pregnant, and swine flu was rampant. That meant I was in SCBU alone for a couple of months as only partners were allowed in due to flu restrictions. It was a very lonely experience, and there were some very hard days.

I remember when I was pregnant going with my mum to buy her a new sofa and the sales guy was about to have a baby with his wife. He could see I had a big baby bump so we were chatting and he excitedly showed me a 3D scan photo. I've always wanted to have a baby with someone to experience that kind of shared intimacy, and to see them so excited to have a baby.

As it happens, both my DC are autistic and my DS in particular has fairly significant needs. I had to face facts that I can't give them what they need and also have another baby, despite being with a lovely DP for more than a decade now.

It's taken years to get used to (I'm 45 now) and probably only really the last 12 months or so that I've properly accepted it. I think I realised what I wanted was to turn the clock back and experience their baby years ago. It wouldn't actually be the same having a third baby but I just wanted all the things that I never had the first time around. Get out your tiny violins, eh? 😅

Sticking with two DC was the right decision but it took a blunt and emotional debate with my DP to accept it.

I wanted a 3rd when my DC were small. DH was dead against it though so it never happened. I was a bit upset for a while, but once dd2 started school my perspective flipped and now I’m really glad we stuck at 2. We don’t have tons of cash and that 3rd child would have made everything so much more expensive, we wouldn’t have been able to give the DC the opportunities they have had.

Also selfishly. I now have teens and I’ve got my life back and I’m glad I don’t have a younger child.

Interesting thread I’m in the same boat. Have a boy and a girl 2 years apart. Youngest is now nearly 1 and a part of me wants to go again but I think in my heart of hearts we won’t and that’s the right choice for us. Stressful enough having 2 and trying to give them enough one on one attention around work. Plus environmental reasons I suppose 2 is better! Also the risk that something may go wrong with third pregnancy (feel like
Dodged a bullet after very hairy delivery with second). And practical reasons like money. But still doesn’t take away that yearning !!!

@Winecurestiredness

I’m so sorry for your loss

@Winecurestiredness
Not dissimilar here. Both wanted three or four and after many miscarriages and a little boy at 27 weeks who lived for just a few hours, between the DC, we stuck at 2 and are thankful for them. They are grown up now.

I didn't have the courage to risk another loss and then I was 40. The older I get the more I regret it and I regret nothing else in my life.

I definitely made my peace with it, especially by the time DS2 turned 3.
I always wanted 3 (I’m one of 3) and it’s easy to want to maintain the baby phase when you’re totally in it.
Now they’re nearly 10&7 and there’s absolutely nobody missing from our family. Im so glad we stopped at 2, and definitely don’t feel broody for another anymore!

Porcupineintherough

@Blessex wait perimenopause hits. I am far less patient and far more grumpy and generally less maternal. Thankfully my youngest turned teen just as this happened so I'm less in demand anyway but I shudder to think how it would have worked if I'd had a younger child.

Ha you are my head. Love this x

We decided we were done after 2 for practical reasons so my husband has the snip soon after our daughter was born. We had one of each and want a life that having more than 2 would be too expensive and difficult.

Recently I have been broody! Obviously my husband's snip has meant that a 3rd is a no go. And i think I'm broody due to hormones. When I contemplate a 3rd and the reasons why I want a third, the reality is not worth the 3rd. I want a third because I miss having a baby and seeing a baby grow and I reminisce about my 2 being babies and miss it. But thinking of the reality, that part is lovely, but exhausting and the sleepless nights again! I spend most of the baby stage half asleep and couldn't wait for it to be over! Then there is the childcare costs. We were lucky with first two as my parents could babysit for 2/3 days a week over the years. Now they are too old so it wouldn't be fair to get them to babysit. So that's fulltime childcare costs to pay for many years. My two are both now sleeping well and are starting to become more independent. My 3 year old is a few years off being fully independent, but already I long for more free time and child free time! So a third would set that right back! So don't really want to give up the freedom I have started to gain! Holidays are important to us and we chose to only have two as we want nice holidays. With 3 kids this would be very expensive and would push the likelihood of holidays back a few years until 3rd is 3 and gets free nursery hour. So those are the reasons I have accepted a 3rd isn't going to happen. And I did go through a stage where I was thinking about my husband getting a snip reversal! But that's crazy hormones talking 🤣

I really wanted a third and was broody for years after my second. Due to money it was just never the right time. Its been more than 6 years since I stopped feeling that way and now I'm so happy we stuck at two and logistically I'm not sure how we would cope now with 3 dc.

I have a 7 and almost 4 year old. Straight after having my youngest I really wanted a third and the feeling lingered. DH is pretty against it, and I completely see his view-money, car, holidays etc. Now my 4 year old is starting hobbies and her own play dates etc I do see how we’d (personally) be stretched with a third.

On Friday we went to London for the day and stayed overnight with the children. And it was lovely. I think for me it may have been a turning point. The next day we were around babies and all I could think is what hard work they still have to come…!

I'm in a similar situation. I'm desperate for a third, DH was less enthusiastic but did agree and even get excited about the prospect after taking time to consider it.

Then I had an ectopic pregnancy which was devastating. DH has now changed his mind back again and says no. I am left mourning both the recent loss and the third child that could have been part of our future.

I am so angry and bitter and sad right now. I feel like I've had the choice taken away from me but the longing for a third is even stronger since my loss. I don't know how to get over it. I'm pretty sure it is going to destroy our marriage also at this point.

We have a 7 and (almost) 4 year old and are currently deliberating over a third DC. I have only ever wanted 2, but recently started to have thoughts about a third. It probably is partly because my eldest is really growing up now and i keep going over memories of when he was little in my mind.

If money was no object, I think I would definitely go for a third. We are comfortably off, but a third mat leave/ nursery fees etc etc would have an impact. I'm late 30s now, so likely another baby would push back when we could pay off our mortgage and retire.

On the other hand, a family of four does seem small and possibly a bit boring. It's noisy and busy and fun now, but probably won't be when they are tweens/teens. I am one of four, and DH is one of 3. On the other hand, the age gap would mean the youngest would end up spending their teen years in a quiet house once the other had left for uni etc. I was in this position as the youngest child. I remember my primary school years being in a very busy, fun and exciting house, but a few years later it was just me and my mum.

Our third child was actually an accident - we had decided to stop at 2. Then we really felt three didn’t work - so we had another 🤣
It was really hard work, and financially I don’t recommend it, but it was wonderful to have 4.

But now they are nearly adults - one of my children has become psychiatrically seriously unwell- and I am so very glad that my other three have each other to turn to. Nobody understands this pain like immediate family.

I think - thinking longer term - you are not just having children for yourself - but for them. Two makes a lot of sense, but as adults if one child moves far away they become only children - which is also fine - but it’s just a thought.

I liked the chaos of a big family - but it’s not that compatible with the mum managing to keep working/ modern cars and hotels.

I’m aware this is a bit of a contradictory post - but it’s a long term decision - and probably not as simple as one might think.

Not quite the same as you OP, but I have 3 and wanted 4, but stuck with 3 because DH didn't another. Now my youngest is 11 and I have definitely made my peace with it - in fact, I'm not sure what I was thinking! 3 is more than enough.

If I had been younger I'd have gone for a 3rd. But I had kids very late and was lucky to get 2 in tbh.

But in fact that's what most of my friends did - they turned 38 and suddenly they got madly broody. I think it was a "time is running out" thing. So they all had a 3rd at 38/39.

Tbh they pretty much cured me. I still think we had enough love for a 3rd, but so did my friends and having a 3rd half killed them! They all have enormous cars and have to do self catering everywhere and there's a lot of bringing the mother in law along on holiday for childcare. And going on holiday with other families, again for more eyes on the kids.

My cousin told me that #3 spent the first year of his life in a car seat. She had to do drop offs and pick ups at 2 locations every day and then there was football practise afterwards and at the weekends.

She didn't breastfeed the 3rd because she literally didn't have the time (no big deal but just gives you an idea of how little time you have to sit down with the baby).

It has to be said that once your second child goes to school, life does become enormously more chill.

And I do really like that when you're on the sofa, you can have one under each armpit and nobody is left out. 🥰

@ReallyNeedToPrioritiseMe great to hear from someone who's been there, done that, and now has 4 adult children to tell the tale. Out of curiosity why did you feel 3 didn't work? Why was 4 better?

My oldest dc is suspected to have ASC he is very hard work. When they where small and easy I was desperate for another now they are older they fight and argue every single day.
On top of that food, holidays, days out etc put me off.

I have two, and DH had a vasectomy as he was done at two (which we agreed we wanted before we even started TTC our first child). I would have liked a third, but now that my youngest is 3 and we’re out of the baby stage and getting to do more trips out and about, I’m glad we stuck at two. I think I’d have lost too much of myself if I had a third, I’m frazzled enough with my two! And I enjoy them getting a little more independent and us starting to be able to do more together without considering naps / feeding / nappies etc. Feels like we’ve moved to a new phase!

I always wanted 3 and have 2 now aged 7 and 5. It's one of my biggest regrets. I should have had another when my youngest was 2 but was back at work and got promoted and then life just happened and then it was too late for me. I have so much of my life back but deep down there is a void and it is the child I never had. I cannot discuss this with anyone in RL and I carry these feelings with great sadness in my heart. OP if you want 3 then go for it. Yes it'll be hard but having them close in age would be lovely and you don't regret having a child.

Yes wanted more but not too sure of the right terminology to describe the feelings. Am completely happy with the decision we made to stick with 2 but that doesn't mean I'm completely comfortable with it either. It doesn't keep me awake at night or negatively impact my life but I'm able to be open about the fact that if things were different I would have had more...
I love a cuddle with my friends subsequent babies but I also have an internal sigh of relief that I don't have more at the same time!

@gruffaloo
We felt that with three, one always seemed to be left out. Not always the same one - but it just didn’t feel right.
So we had 4 because then there might be two left out- but at least they’d have someone to be left out with! We did find they played in different pairs - the oldest and youngest are still close (7.5 year age gap)

My husband is one of two, and I’m one of six.
I feel with two children there’s too much parental attention- it’s can be too intense for them to grow as an individual. My husband and his sister still fight a lot more than my siblings and I did. That’s probably going to be controversial on this thread.

It might depend on your age gaps - whether you feel three works or not. Or personalities of children… who knows?

Overall - two would have been too quiet for me - and if you’re interested in how parents feel at the end of childhood, with two children they are suddenly both away at Uni and it’s all over too quick. I’m glad we have our youngest a few years longer (but he can be very grumpy).

However, two is a very sensible number and works in the modern world. Also these days there’s anxiety about environmental concerns - which wasn’t so apparent twenty odd years ago.

No idea if that helps - trying to be balanced.

Actually @zeddybrek there was a thread on here a few months ago where a lot of people said they regretted having their third child. I'm sorry for your sadness but it is pretty irresponsible to tell anyone to have a child on the basis that "you never regret a child". It's just not true.

Yes, totally at peace with it. I always imagined having three but Child#2 turned out to be quite high needs and I've not had the emotional capacity to seriously consider any more since she was born.

I grew up in a family of 4 kids and I always thought only 2 kids would be a bit lonely. But we fit well into our house and our car and it's easy for each kid to have one-on-one time at the weekends because we can take a kid each. Also, been doing parenting for 12 years now and the youngest one is halfway to 18....I can't imagine adding another few years onto that stretch

Also, I had fairly uneventful pregnancies and births but TTC was stressful and borderline traumatic both times. I don't think I can go through that again...and the PCOS that makes TTC hard also increase the risk of complications in pregnancy. It's just easier not to open myself up to All That again