If you wanted 3 but stuck with 2 did you make peace with it?

[gruffaloo]

Not really sure where to post this but decided to do it here for traffic.

We're deliberating the prospect of a third. I've gone back and read as many of the "should we have a third?" threads.

What I'd love to know is if you were keen on a third child but for whatever reason didn't go ahead with it, did you make peace with that decision?

I'd like a third but it's not an easy child to justify. There are lots of rational reasons for two but I feel I may regret not having three? But perhaps this is something I can over come? Something that is just short-lived?

I have a 3 year old, and a 1 year old.

I always wanted 4, dh 2, so we compromised on 3.
As soon as the 1st 2 came along he reneged on the 3rd, which I might not have minded, except I always wanted a boy (& a girl) and my 1st 2 were girls (as seems to run in my family).
I didn't get pregnant that easily...about a year trying for no.1 and 6-7 months for no.2.

I'm late 40s now and my dc are pretty much grown up. I still get really broody, but I realised once they were past the ages of 9/10 that I wouldn't practically be able to go back to nappies, etc, as it would probably be too much physically for me as I've had RA since my late 20s.

I still get broody though and I do regret not pushing for 3 when the oldest was around 6. I guess I was also worried about having yet another girl too, which I know sounds awful, but I always wanted one of each. If I could've guaranteed having a boy I would've definitely not let it go so easily.

In a lot of ways 2 is probably a more practical number, as it gave us more choice with cars, and there was always 1 parent for each child when swimming, on rides, etc.

I’ve had twins the second time, and honestly I adore them and wouldn’t have it anyway. They are perfect. I can’t understand for the life of me though why anyway would have 3!

Also imagine if you had a third pregnancy and it was twins!

*any other way and anyone. Had about 3 hours sleep last night!

@Highflyingadored

I would love a 3rd and still trying to come to terms that it wont happen.

My head is being logical, extra expense, being tired, the noise, the general logistics and the strain on my body.

My heart... I want to carry another little person, I want the birth experience, the smell, the way they develop.... but it's what I want and not what we want.

What I want and what I should do for the good of my family are 2 different things.
. Doesnt mean it's not hard and DH doesnt understand that I need to grieve he thinks I should just get over it

I feel exactly the same. Have a 4yo ds and 3yo ds. Sensibly I know i should stick at two. They are 12m apart so we had a hectic few years. Husband definitely doesn’t want any more and after an emcs and an elcs I don’t know how my body would cope. Plus I’m 39.

BUT I’m just really sad I won’t experience the baby years again. I feel like I didn’t enjoy it properly as it was so hectic. With 1st ds I was pregnant for most of his 1st year. With 2nd ds I had a newborn and a 1yo.
It’s definitely heart vs head

I wanted 3 or 4, but financially it would have been a struggle and we made the decision to move on to a different phase in life (away from nappies etc) and really enjoy the 2 ds we have. I did cry a few times as I thought about never having another baby of my own again, but I knew it made sense. And now my dc are older I am so so pleased we stuck with it. We have a lovely life (far from perfect, but enjoyable) and never felt we had more going on than we could cope with. My closest friend however went for 3 and cannot cope. She gave up work but even so is always flustered, she isnt enjoying their childhoods and is always snapping at them - this isnt me making judgements btw, she has told me this outright. She has never said she regrets the 3rd, but she has told me she cannot wait for them to grow up and move out.
Obviously this isnt everybody's experience, some are more organised and patient and can cope. Others just arent cut out for it
Some make peace with having fewer children, others dont.
I think you just need to play it by ear and see how it goes, dont put pressure on yourself to decide right now

I would have really liked to have 3 at one point, but dh wasn’t keen. I accepted that but wasn’t totally happy that I’d never have a third. Then I had a surprise pregnancy when dc2 was 3. We would have gone ahead, I was happy about it, but it turned out to be ectopic and ruptured. I didn’t feel particularly sad to be honest after I got out of hospital as I was just very glad to be alive, so we decided to leave it there. Dh had a vasectomy which I was super happy about and have never really looked back.

Just recently my period was a few days late and I thought, “what if the vasectomy failed and I’m pregnant?” My overriding feeing was that it would be like getting a prison sentence!! I am just starting to see the point at which we’ll be able to go out for dinner without a babysitter now, just a few years away, and really don’t want to go back to babies. And we now have so much more money than we’d have if we’d had a third, partly due to me now being ahead in my career, but also because we haven’t had a third lot of maternity leave, a third lot of childcare costs etc. Our families live abroad and we can afford to see them semi-regularly which would have been difficult with three children. I can also see that it wouldn’t have been the best decision to have another child from an environmental perspective and for my two living dcs’ futures, something that I think about a lot more now than I did 10 years ago when ds1 was a baby.

I always wanted 3 but I have two dd with two years between them who are so close I didn't want to ruin that dynamic so we are very content with 2. My sister and cousin both had surprise babies at 40 so DH had a vasectomy the week before my 40th as we couldn't imagine going back to nappies and night feeds.

Long term exponential population growth is really the problem that the planet faces.

Each time two people leave more than two people behind they add to the longterm problem, so there really should be some credit for only having two.

The world won't implode one afternoon, the quality of life will degrade very slowly over multiple generations, until population growth stabilises... it won't be pretty.

Population control is generally considered abhorrent, but ironically China's one child policy has had a greater ecological effect that anything we're currently considering.

The urge to leave a legacy of our DNA outweighs our ability to consider the impact on the future.

So many of the posts on this thread put into words exactly how I feel about it.

My DC are still little (5 and 2) and I'm young enough to wait a couple of years to have another. When DC2 was a little baby I really wanted a third, then again when they turned 1. But now, no.

DC2 is hard work, and actually so is DC1, in a different way - basically I think parenting is just hard work! As they get older, they might play together more, but it inevitably means they fight more, so there is a lot of refereeing.

I would love to go back and re-live a few days of both DC's babyhood, especially DC1 as they were the easiest, loveliest baby, but I didn't appreciate it because I was so shell-shocked at the change to my life. But otherwise I don't miss the baby stage, as a PP has said, when I see friends and family with their babies, even ones who are over 12 months, I just remember how boring and hard work it can be.

@nervousseacreature I’m just really sad I won’t experience the baby years again. I feel like I didn’t enjoy it properly as it was so hectic. With 1st ds I was pregnant for most of his 1st year. With 2nd ds I had a newborn and a 1yo

Honestly, though, don't you think that (say you got pregnant now) newborn, a 4yo and a 5yo would be nearly as hectic in a different way? Eg having to get the baby up and fed in time to do the school run, and take your older two to activities and parties with a newborn in tow? To me that sounds just as hard as having a baby and being pregnant!

I toyed with the idea of a third, but once we were all sick at the same time. I realised that it would be much worse to deal with five of us being ill!
Also we’d have to move house, couldn’t be bothered with that. 😂

@Dbank the environmental impact is something that has come up in other threads too. And something that is on my conscience.

I guess the thing with that is if people on the whole are choosing to have fewer children or increasingly choosing to be child-free does does that off-set my decision to have third?

Also, if having children is so damaging shouldn't there be some incentives to not have them or have one or max two, or at the more extreme end have something like China's one child policy applied to everyone? Why do I have to self-regulate myself, when others may not? Just posing the question, not saying self regulating is wrong.

Because if everyone sat around waiting for someone else to do their part or for governments and companies to suddenly step up, it would never happen! They're money lead, and unless people make a stand and force them to do better, they will continue to eat up the earth's resources so long as they can line their pockets - very Dr Seuss' The Lorax, but it's accurate!

Even discussing population control in the UK would guarantee you won't get elected.

If anything we are incentivising population growth with maternity, and child care tax benefits etc.

@Row1n and @Dbank I get what you mean.

I googled "does having children ruin the planet?" not very scientific I know, but they point to consumption rather than population, being the issue, though of course population is a huge part of that. And that in time we'll reduce our carbon footprint and that people with children are incentivised to make the changes necessary to protect the planet - including those in government and business.

I found this an interesting listen: Is it OK to have a child? www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v42/n05/meehan-crist/is-it-ok-to-have-a-child

@ReallyNeedToPrioritiseMe thanks for explaining.

I am the same - two does feel too quiet to me too!

We are very organised, and I found going from 1-2 a breeze, and feel like we have capacity - love, space, finance, for another. They would (hopefully) be close in age 4, 2 and newborn if we started trying soon.

I only wanted a third when I was told I had cancer and my womb had to be removed🤷‍♀️ Ds2 was only 15 months when I had the surgery and I did really want to be able to have a 3rd for a few years.

I made my peace and now I am very happy with my 2 wonderful dses. One is off to university this year and the other next so I moved on a very long time ago and I am very content.

[quote OrangeTortoise]**@nervousseacreature* I’m just really sad I won’t experience the baby years again. I feel like I didn’t enjoy it properly as it was so hectic. With 1st ds I was pregnant for most of his 1st year. With 2nd ds I had a newborn and a 1yo*

Honestly, though, don't you think that (say you got pregnant now) newborn, a 4yo and a 5yo would be nearly as hectic in a different way? Eg having to get the baby up and fed in time to do the school run, and take your older two to activities and parties with a newborn in tow? To me that sounds just as hard as having a baby and being pregnant![/quote]
Yes you’re probably right! It hadn’t really occurred to me in that way… i was thinking of the lovely newborn cuddles, even with my second we didn’t have to go anywhere on a schedule (except ds1 went to nursery once a week!)

[quote gruffaloo]**@Row1n* and @Dbank* I get what you mean.

I googled "does having children ruin the planet?" not very scientific I know, but they point to consumption rather than population, being the issue, though of course population is a huge part of that. And that in time we'll reduce our carbon footprint and that people with children are incentivised to make the changes necessary to protect the planet - including those in government and business.

I found this an interesting listen: Is it OK to have a child? www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v42/n05/meehan-crist/is-it-ok-to-have-a-child

[/quote]
While "per-person" consumption might go down, exponential growth of population, is the problem.

If two people have three children, who do the same for the three generations, we will have 108 people possibly in less than 100 years. Even if their consumption halved it would be irrelevant.

We have to stop thinking about just the current impact of our actions, and realise large families have a long term effect.

I always wanted 3. Very strongly, I was convinced we would have 3, DH wanted 2 but more than likely would have had 3 if I'd asked.

Had 2DC. They both had a 50:50 chance of inheriting a debilitating and potentially life limiting genetic condition. We had them genetically tested and while waiting for the results I made a deal with god (I am not a practising religious person so I'm not quite sure where the deal came from) that if both didn't inherit the genetic condition then I would be happy with 2. We got incredibly lucky and they both did not inherit the condition and now I am happy with my 2 healthy DC. To roll the dice a third time would be pushing it I feel

If two people have three children, who do the same for the three generations, we will have 108 people possibly in less than 100 years. Even if their consumption halved it would be irrelevant.

@Dbank but there is no guarantee that a couple's three children will go on to have three children each. For example, I have 2 kids but my brother and wife have no kids (by choice).

There is sadly too a rise in infertility which takes the choice away from people completely, or they have fewer children than planned.

@gruffaloo

If two people have three children, who do the same for the three generations, we will have 108 people possibly in less than 100 years. Even if their consumption halved it would be irrelevant.

@Dbank but there is no guarantee that a couple's three children will go on to have three children each. For example, I have 2 kids but my brother and wife have no kids (by choice).

There is sadly too a rise in infertility which takes the choice away from people completely, or they have fewer children than planned.

I agree I don't expect everyone to have three children, some will have more and some will have less or none, but the trend is growth and it's exponential.

@Dbank thanks!

@gruffaloo if people on the whole are choosing to have fewer children or increasingly choosing to be child-free does does that off-set my decision to have third?

The UK population increased by approx 360,000 people last year, so I guess the answer to that is no.