DH gets grumpy without sex

(205 Posts)
Olivia2900 Sat 15-May-21 20:32:25

DH & I have been married nearly 8 years. We have 2 young children (4 & 18mnths). Both work full-time; manage day-to-day household chores, etc - life is busy, same for everyone. Where we don't have sex after 3-4 weeks DH starts getting grumpy, frustrated, short, snappy with me on a daily basis - I can tell it's affecting him. he tries to but I'm often tired. I tell him to get over himself and grow up but the cycle just continues and has done for years; nothing changes. We have sex around once every 2 months normally. AIBU for reacting like this? should I be showing more of an interest, to prioritise his needs once in a while? he's great with the kids; works extremely hard; supports the family incredibly well and looks after us and makes me laugh every day - no issues there; just this. views please.

OP’s posts: |
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken Sat 22-May-21 15:47:55

It really doesn’t matter how regularly the other posters on here like to have sex. It doesn’t matter if they prefer quickies or only bother if it can be a full on marathon, chandelier-swinging experience. You’re not having a sexual relationship with them and neither is your husband so their preferences are irrelevant.
All that matters is that you and your husband have found yourselves in a situation where your sex drives have become mismatched.
I wouldn’t suggest you have sex with him to keep him happy when you do not want to. It could lead to feeling used, resentful, isolated and even less likely to want and enjoy sex.
You need to get to the bottom of why your sex drive has diminished.
Are you too tired because he doesn’t help out enough?
Are you too tired because there is an underlying medical issue?
Are you just not sexually attracted to your partner anymore?
Do you find the sex fulfilling?

Each of these questions has a very different answer and only by getting to the root cause of your low sex drive can you actually make things better.

So, couples’ therapy, GP, a frank discussion with your husband may all be needed.

Good luck xx

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg Sat 22-May-21 08:19:01

Holothane

With my ex sex was always painful I wasn’t turned on and an inverted womb didn’t help, today I’d love long slow session, (in my dreams)

This is why the "it's only 15m, put up with it" crowd need to give their heads a wobble.

Holothane Wed 19-May-21 14:05:22

With my ex sex was always painful I wasn’t turned on and an inverted womb didn’t help, today I’d love long slow session, (in my dreams)

Ginuwine Wed 19-May-21 10:15:38

It is important, as per have said, there are so many posts on here about women who think the relationship was great and are blindsided by an affair. They later reveal they barely had sex but say they thought their partner was OK with that as they had given up asking.

This is spot on I'm afraid and I agree. The partner is 100% wrong for having the affair and not leaving - always wrong!

But the ostrich head in the sand act from some "my DH is fine with no sex! I wouldn't let him near me even if he wanted it! All that sweating and humping - ugh" ...

Yeah. That's what that perspective sometimes leads to .

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg Wed 19-May-21 09:16:13

This is so patronising - everyone is different! Some people love quickies or spontaneous sex rather than a big session. Long or short sessions (so to speak) are equally enjoyable if both parties enjoy them.

1) I'm bisexual and I've never bedded a woman who could come in under twenty minutes without a Hitachi wand.
2) The bulk of research into female sexual pleasure indicates that a large majority, four-fifths or so, of women cannot climax from penetration alone.
3) The bulk of research into female sexual pleasure indicators that women take a long time to get fully-warmed-up.
4) Recent findings are that foreplay causes the uterus to lift up, lengthening the vagina. Artificial lubricant cannot replicate this effect. It was this finding that enabled me to overcome the vaginal pain I was getting, and this is why we take an hour for foreplay.
5) The context in which the posters I was responding to were suggesting quickies wasn't a lustful romp bent over the kitchen worktop, but a fortnightly "lie back and think of England" to appease the husband. If you are lucky enough to find quickies a pleasurable option alongside longer sex sessions, then that comment was not aimed at you.

What I meant when I wrote about low standards, is this: No one should ever put up with "lie back and think of England". People normalise putting up with "lie back and think of England" because of men's "needs" and that thinking, that men's "needs" trump women's comfort, is why women like me end up putting up with painful sex for so long. You have the right to expect to enjoy sex and if your husband is pressuring you into sex that you don't enjoy, he's abusing you.

knittingaddict Mon 17-May-21 17:32:13

Op not been back then?

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NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC Mon 17-May-21 16:28:37

Urgh at 5 times. DH sometimes suggests I "go again" before he does, one is enough for me when I'm getting up at 6. Happy for him too have his pleasure and get to the cuddles!

@bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg 90 minutes sounds laborious. We occasionally have 'date nights' at home with champagne, nibbles and nakedness but other than that the sheer effort would put me off. I do need to eat, shower, work, do housework and have hobbies too! He only needs 10 to make me climax and that's fine by me!!

BlueVelvetStars Mon 17-May-21 16:21:13

If sex isn't important to you then let him have a fwb? If you don't like the idea of that then you are acknowledging that it is actually important, and therefore you have some thinking to do about whether to work on the relationship or split.

you are asking questions and answering them yourself 🤔

InkieNecro Mon 17-May-21 15:14:06

If sex isn't important to you then let him have a fwb? If you don't like the idea of that then you are acknowledging that it is actually important, and therefore you have some thinking to do about whether to work on the relationship or split.

It is important, as per have said, there are so many posts on here about women who think the relationship was great and are blindsided by an affair. They later reveal they barely had sex but say they thought their partner was OK with that as they had given up asking.

Zzelda Mon 17-May-21 09:46:28

midnightstar66

*Wow 90 minutes. I do everything quickly I'm rushed naturally. I eat fast, walk fast, shag fast even if it starts slow*

Not to mention a whole hour of foreplay. I'd be finished long before the actual sex ever took place. I don't have that kind of attention span 😆

grin

This reminds me of the person I once heard on the radio proudly proclaiming that he refused to climax till his partner had orgasmed at least 5 times. I had this mental picture of his partner going "Oh, for god's sake, how quickly can I convincingly fake it 5 times so I can just go to sleep".

IceLace100 Sun 16-May-21 22:49:14

@lostitall "And reading this thread has cheered me up as it confirms that me leaving my DH when we had a sexless marriage was actually acceptable by others"

This is defo a legit reason for leaving. In this situation I'd try to make it work but if it didn't work out I'd leave.

BlueVelvetStars Sun 16-May-21 21:30:19

Yet when a woman posts the same scenario she is 100% believed
And reading this thread has cheered me up as it confirms that me leaving my DH when we had a sexless marriage was actually acceptable by others

Of course you were right to leave.. you must be happy in life 🌸

lostitall Sun 16-May-21 21:19:10

tentimesaday

*@nixonten* I certainly don't think he's lying and wrong. But I do think he's spinning the situation from his perspective - which is what most posts do on MN, it's only natural.

I'm just saying I suspect the wife would relate the scenario differently from her perspective. But that's just speculation. The bit I'm sure about is that this was written by the husband! grin


Yet when a woman posts the same scenario she is 100% believed
And reading this thread has cheered me up as it confirms that me leaving my DH when we had a sexless marriage was actually acceptable by others

DevonshireCat Sun 16-May-21 20:53:21

I'll take the OP at face value rather than jumping on the "guy looking for sympathy" or "he'll look elsewhere" bandwaggons.

Once every two months is possible. I'd been over some of the longer threads on how often couples with kids have sex and it looks like around 10% of people don't have sex at all, with the middle being around 75 times a year. One thing cropping up a lot is that frequency is only part of the story.

What happens in this 8wk gap that suggests you both believe you have a sexual relationship rather than co-parenting? Do you make plans, send romantic or sexy messages, do you agree life is tough &you'd both be happy when you can spend some time with each other or remind each other of better times.

It's the gap for me thats important. If that it filled with both being on the same wavelength then you have a really good chance, circumstances being better will mean you have more sex. If that gap is empty of anything like that you might be in a relationship where you see sex as a chore, a reward, or as something that one of you does as a favour to the other. I think that second one would be very hard to fix.

Coldwine75 Sun 16-May-21 20:50:02

takes 90 minutes? Good grief no thanks !!!

littlepattilou Sun 16-May-21 20:02:39

FencesandFlowers

*When we have sex, it takes at least 90 minutes*...

This was me until about three years ago and is why we don't have sex anymore.

I so longed for just a quickie and could sometimes placate him if it was first thing in the morning. But usually it was an epic performance based session in the living room once the young DCs were asleep, typically involving me dressing up, using a box of sex toys, ending with anal and filmed on a special camera that was always hidden so I was never sure.

I love my DH and still find him very attractive, but it got to the point where I was sort of just done with it all. I'm hoping one day (soon) we can get back to having more regular, but just normal sex!

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. hmm Not on any planet would I be doing this. No WAY.

And, you're hoping one day to get back to 'normal regular sex?!'

FFS woman, just stop it NOW. If you don't enjoy it, don't do it! shock Why is it all about what HE wants?

midnightstar66 Sun 16-May-21 18:11:06

That's quite the scenario you've re written there 😆

tentimesaday Sun 16-May-21 17:56:59

@Allthereindeersaregirls

Do you find it impossible to believe some couples go for years (and with no kids), only having sex every couple of months?

Not at all! Plenty of couples have zero sex, or very rare! I'm just responding to the way the post was written. It was written by the husband, no question.

nixonten Sun 16-May-21 17:48:38

@tentimesaday
I hope he or she come back and comment though.

Allthereindeersaregirls Sun 16-May-21 17:47:01

tentimesaday

*@nixonten* Oh, and as for the reason husband has posted, it's because he feels aggrieved and wants sympathy by giving a rendition of their situation that is slanted towards his perception of things.

The truth is probably something like this: they had a vaguely normal sex life which has gone down the tubes since 18 month old was born. Once or twice (at most) recently it's been as much as two months in between sex.

Do you find it impossible to believe some couples go for years (and with no kids), only having sex every couple of months?

tentimesaday Sun 16-May-21 17:34:48

@nixonten I certainly don't think he's lying and wrong. But I do think he's spinning the situation from his perspective - which is what most posts do on MN, it's only natural.

I'm just saying I suspect the wife would relate the scenario differently from her perspective. But that's just speculation. The bit I'm sure about is that this was written by the husband! grin

nixonten Sun 16-May-21 17:25:12

@tentimesaday, If you are right we should still accept his description at face value. Not go into MN mode ...He is a man therefore lying and wrong..
Maybe he recognises much of what people are saying and feels a bit guilty.
He is being rationed though. So far he can't see why.
It is probable that wife is in good health apart from busy and tired. Which can be extremely wearing, I remember.

tentimesaday Sun 16-May-21 17:22:21

@nixonten Oh, and as for the reason husband has posted, it's because he feels aggrieved and wants sympathy by giving a rendition of their situation that is slanted towards his perception of things.

The truth is probably something like this: they had a vaguely normal sex life which has gone down the tubes since 18 month old was born. Once or twice (at most) recently it's been as much as two months in between sex.

tentimesaday Sun 16-May-21 17:04:57

@nixonten I strongly believe the writer is the husband ("should I be showing more of an interest, to prioritise his needs once in a while?"). As to the truth of it, I suspect he is aggrieved by lack of sex which is no doubt not happening very often, at least not as often as he'd like. But if I were to bet, I'd bet it's more often than every two months. Perhaps over last six months it's only been that often...

I'd put £100 down on this bet!!!

nixonten Sun 16-May-21 16:51:47

@tentimesaday, Do you mean that the situation is true, ie, wife is rationing bloke, she thinks he should have got over it by now. But the the writer is the bloke.
He wants to know the women's POV.
I think it very likely.
OP not returned because he has a good cross section of opinions. Many genuinely sympathetic toward him.

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