To ask which life you'd choose here?

(295 Posts)
crossrhodes Fri 07-May-21 10:42:57

A. Stay in gorgeous home, with lovely DH and our shared DC and make the most of family life, a comfortable financial situation and continue with counselling to put all anxieties about the age gap to rest once and for all and just enjoy whatever time we do have, deal with the future when it happens. Knowing that if it does all go wrong, you had however many years with your family and you have amazing kids and a lovely home to be grateful for. Accept that anything could happen, we could end up divorcing for totally different reasons and that I shouldn't try and pre empt something that may not happen

B. Admit that it's only going to get worse with age, that the age gap is going to become more and more noticeable like I have read on mumsnet way too many times, and that having to start fresh now, as a single mum, moving into a flat is the more painful option now, but not in the long run as you no longer have to worry about age gap catching up with you and are young enough to find someone your own age to avoid these problems about the future, even if that person isn't the father of my child.

I'm terrified by both option at the moment. I did post a while back, my original post explaining how this relationship came about is explained in more detail there, but ultimately this is the question I have to answer.

OP’s posts: |
ZednotZee Fri 07-May-21 10:45:24

How big is the age gap and what is it that you find so terrifying about it?

allthepeoplethatcomearound Fri 07-May-21 10:46:14

Not having read your other post, I would chose option A. Come to terms with your age gap and enjoy your lives and relationship! Anything can happen to anyone at anytime, you can’t preempt it. Enjoy life as it’s happening, and deal with issues as they arise smile

Spied Fri 07-May-21 10:46:15

Well, reading your post Option A left me with a feeling of anxiety and claustrophobia.
It may be easier but I don't think I could live like that.

SummerHouse Fri 07-May-21 10:47:33

A. If you love him. For better and for worse.

crossrhodes Fri 07-May-21 10:47:38

ZednotZee

How big is the age gap and what is it that you find so terrifying about it?


Near enough 15 years. I'm approaching 30. I'm terrified by the countless, countless threads I have seen on mumsnet from people who have learnt the hard way that it will always catch up with you and have so many regrets. I'm not yet 30, I guess I feel if I take heed of the warnings I've read on here I can not end up however many years down the line full of regret. It's just hard to leave a family over something that hasn't gone wrong yet.

OP’s posts: |
ZednotZee Fri 07-May-21 10:49:10

Tbf I think there must be other issues at play here OP.
Fifteen years isn't even a very large age gap.

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Dishwashersaurous Fri 07-May-21 10:51:41

Fifteen years is not a big age gap. He's what 45, so thirty years at least until he's old. By which time the children will be your age.

I can't think why you are worrying about this, unless there's something else going on.

crossrhodes Fri 07-May-21 10:52:09

I agree, it doesn't feel like a large age gap, at this age. I've just seen so many comments, and had messages myself on here from people warning me that it becomes a gulf between you as you age. I'm finding it hard to accept, it feels like I've wasted my life by committing to someone older and I'm just waiting for the effects of that to come into play.

OP’s posts: |
Merryoldgoat Fri 07-May-21 10:52:59

I couldn’t get this wound up by a 15 year age gap.

Just enjoy your life and relationship. You have no idea what’s in store.

Weirdfan Fri 07-May-21 10:54:31

Do you love him OP?

username596372 Fri 07-May-21 10:54:58

I don't think the age gap is that big. I can understand if it was about 30 year gap. Unless there are other issues in the relationship I would not be splitting my family up over this.

WaterBottle123 Fri 07-May-21 10:55:11

Most men get less interesting with age, more inward looking etc. If you love him otherwise focus on extending your friendship group to provide diversity of thought, zest for life etc and appreciate the kind man he is whilst accepting your differences.

Merryoldgoat Fri 07-May-21 10:55:47

Yes - my mum and her partner had the same gap and she had the same comments. She dropped dead completely unexpectedly at 40. Her old partner is still going strong at 80.

BeastOfBODMAS Fri 07-May-21 10:57:55

Option A. Christ.
You say nothing has gone wrong yet. Don’t burn down your whole life because of what some randoms on the internet say.
Perhaps take a break from forums/social media.

Dishwashersaurous Fri 07-May-21 11:00:20

There is no reason to worry about this at all.

The issues generally stem from when people are actually old, so in your partner respect 30 to 40 years down the line. There's no need to worry at all at the moment.

However, you don't sound like you like him let alone love him. This talk of finding someone better is not the words of someone in love.

If you don't love him and don't want to be married to him then you don't need a reason or an excuse to split up. You can just leave

PureAndEasy Fri 07-May-21 11:00:47

If you love him, stay. If you don't, leave. The age gap isn't a huge issue. If your are already worrying about being his carer, it sounds like you don't love him.

user1927462849194729 Fri 07-May-21 11:03:41

It doesn't sound like your fears are a MN creation, just that they arise naturally from the situation.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4202695-Concerns-about-future-ruining-what-could-be-a-perfect-life

Regardless, when making decisions, I don't think it's helpful to exaggerate both options to hyperbolic extremes - option one you have created is rainbows and butterflies (where the only negative is being blamed on yourself), option b is doom and gloom.

Reality is more complex - as you well know. Option A has downsides too. Option B has upsides.

A sound decision can be made based on a fair appraisal of each position, not your most optimistic dreams and hopes vs your terrified fears. Weigh things up based on reality, not a distortion of reality.

Also, expecting counselling or therapy to ever remove all anxiety about anything is setting yourself up for disappointment. It's natural to have anxieties about your partner ageing and what that means, even if you were the same age. Counselling should help you with strategies for coping with those natural emotions.

cheeseismydownfall Fri 07-May-21 11:05:01

If the age gap is your only concern and you are otherwise happy and fulfilled in in the relationship, the surely is it A?! I mean, questioning an age gap might make sense at the beginning of a relationship but you have children together - that ship has truly sailed.

If you are generally unhappy in the relationship and see not prospect of that changing then B, but in this case the age gap is immaterial.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme Fri 07-May-21 11:08:07

This is very weird - the time to worry about the age gap was before you got married and pregnant! Leaving now over something you've been aware of from day one because of things you've read on an internet forum can't seriously be what you're considering can it?

I wouldn't want my daughter in an age gap relationship and would be privately hoping she'd think better of it during the dating phase but if she was already happily married and had a child with an older husband I certainly wouldn't be hoping she'd leave then, if he was genuinely lovely and there were no problems!

Even as someone pretty sceptical about age gsp relationships I'd choose A unless there's far more to this!

Obviously if he doesn't treat you as an equal partner and the age gap is the cause of a power imbalance that's completely different and unhealthy - B in that situation.

But if you have a happy marriage involving a shared child its really not logical at all to be seriously considering divorce solely because of a 15 year age gap which has been there all along!

Branleuse Fri 07-May-21 11:08:58

Maybe you need to come off mumsnet if its upsetting you like this. Youve already got the husband and children with this man. I think people saying that it catches up, are suggesting theyd wished theyd considered it beforehand, but your ship has sailed. Surely if you love the guy and you get on and have children together, then you just get on with it. 15 years isnt that much.

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches Fri 07-May-21 11:09:12

So you're 30 he's 45? That's not a particularly huge age gap. It sounds like you've developed an anxiety about this which isn't particularly rational? Or you're using the age gap as an excuse to leave the relationship?

If you have a happy home with your partner no way would I give that up because he's a few years older. There might be a time in 20 years when he's retired and you're not but for now I don't see an issue at all.

paralysedbyinertia Fri 07-May-21 11:09:22

15 years really isn't that much of an age gap. I was expecting you to say at least 25+ years.

If you're happy in your relationship right now, please don't make this an issue just by worrying about it.

Milkshake7489 Fri 07-May-21 11:09:24

Do you love your husband? If the answer is yes you'd be crazy to leave now because of an age gap that might annoy you one day. You've had children with this man... it's not a fling.

Obviously if you're unhappy it's a different story entirely.

blakeway45 Fri 07-May-21 11:11:45

15 years is nothing! There is obviously something else making you want to leave him.

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