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Partner annoyed because I was in the middle of something when he got home.

(276 Posts)
Ejkipb Mon 22-Feb-21 23:13:43

So i went from working full time, to coming out completely due to pregnancy complications and becoming a full time mum. I keep on top of the housework, 8/10 nights I'll have my SO's tea sorted when he comes home, and if I don't it's because I've had an awful day with my pregnancy. Lately I've been really down as Im suffering with SPD and I just feel miserable. He encouraged me to start gaming and streaming. So I joined an online group and agreed to stream every Monday at 8pm (unless something comes up with the kids etc) ... My SO was there when I agreed to this. Yet today... He came home from work at around 8:30 and I was doing my stream. I came downstairs at 9:00 when I finished and I instantly hugged him and said "as fun as that was, I won't do it again at that time as I didn't like being busy when you came in and unable to speak to you properly"... Despite this being my first contact, he was visibly angry. He lashed out (verbally) at my son for a minor thing, and then when I asked what was wrong he proceeded to say how I had been rude for being on the stream when he was due home, and that I barely spoke to him, (which I didn't, but because I was livestreaming with headphones on) and that I shouldn't have done it knowing he was due home. He then stressed that he had to make "not much of a tea" because there was no chicken breast in to go with his pasta he chose, he then walked in to the other room continuing to state how rude his welcome home had been etc. I can't help but feel really angry at the way he is being. I'm 37wks pregnant and don't know whether it's hormones making me angry or its genuine, but I feel like.. I do all I can, with SPD and being this far gone, with a 7yo, 4yo also at home, the dishes were done, house immaculate, yet because there wasn't any chicken in he had to make a point that he was having "not much of a tea" .. there was so much more in he could have made I must add! And there actually is chicken in, just not the type he prefers. I feel like no matter how much I do... It doesn't matter... This one time that I am preoccupied when he comes home, and he hasn't got tea sorted, and it's like I'm the worst person in the world! I just feel so crappy and I don't know if Im overreacting or not. I've not argued with him I've just sat downstairs on my own because I don't want the confrontation.. but he's not spoken to me since.

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endlesswicker Mon 22-Feb-21 23:16:20

You are not his servant, to be available at his beck and call whenever he decides he wants some attention from you. He is being completely U.

Sapho47 Mon 22-Feb-21 23:17:38

"8/10 nights I'll have my SO's tea sorted when he comes home"

"This one time that I am preoccupied when he comes home, and he hasn't got tea sorted, and it's like I'm the worst person in the world!"

So normally he's fine if there's no tea?

But today is different, im gonna take a guess that it wasn't really to do with tea. Maybe a bit of a bad day at work?

Has he been bottling things up since you've been pregnant?

Ejkipb Mon 22-Feb-21 23:26:55

No, he's very difficult to deal with when he's annoyed though. Since I've been pregnant he will bite at things and it's me that has to bite my tongue, which I have to be honest is really difficult when I feel so irritable all of the time right now.

Usually he wouldn't mind sorting his own tea if I haven't made it, but like I said once he's annoyed it's like everything is terrible. The fact I was preoccupied on a stream and not actively present to greet him and talk when he got home, the fact I couldn't speak to him on the phone on his way home from work because I was streaming... These two things really annoyed him and I think that's why he made the point about tea. I think the bit that's made me angry and sad about the tea situation is how he said about his tea being crap as there was no chicken. He said it in a way that indicated it was my fault for not having chicken in. Which is very unfair. He was off work yesterday and could have picked some up.. I have the kids with me and am in pain almost constantly.
I just don't feel like me being mid-stream when he got home ( esspecially when he knew I had said I would be ) was reason enough for him to be so agitated with me. He streams himself, he did so the other night when I had openly told him I was having a really low evening and felt depressed and anxious.. he went downstairs and streamed for an hour. It just seems very unfair.

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Yesmate Mon 22-Feb-21 23:34:57

Not present to greet him when he gets home. What decade is he living in, I wouldn’t be cooking his bloody tea and I wouldn’t have him lash out (verbally or not) at my child either. Sorry but he sounds insufferable.

thepeopleversuswork Mon 22-Feb-21 23:36:27

Life is too short for this. You are not his domestic servant.

It's not "hormones" making you like this: you have a perfectly reasonable reaction to his behaviour.

Has he only just started this since you've been pregnant? Or has he always been an entitled arse?

Mellonsprite Mon 22-Feb-21 23:40:31

This isn’t boding very well... he kicks off as his meal doesn’t have his preferred chicken in it, verbally lashes out at your child and you because you don’t drop what you’re doing to greet him well enough ☹️

ShinyGreenElephant Mon 22-Feb-21 23:41:23

Someone "lashed out" at my kid just because they were in a mood I would have smashed the bowl of pasta over their head. If hes started being horrible since youre pregnant thats a huge red flag and you want to be very careful

lyingwanker Mon 22-Feb-21 23:43:15

It's not the 1950's where you must fix your makeup ready for him walking in from work. Jesus Christ what an arsehole. I don't know why you think you've done something wrong here. What is it exactly that he's expecting as he walks in the door? "Oh hello darling, let me take you coat and fetch your pipe and slippers"

Ejkipb Mon 22-Feb-21 23:43:53

He's not entitled and not usually an arse either. But once something annoys him it's so hard to deal with him. It's like everything else is magnified and so much worse to him.

He made it very clear that in his opinion it was rude of me to do my livestream when he was due to finish work. This annoyed him a lot. Also the fact I made a joke on the livestream saying that hopefully when he gets home he will distract my son as he kept coming in the room... This annoyed him also. (I don't know why) The door was locked when he got home as I was upstairs but my son had been downstairs so I always lock it. So when he got home he had to knock and my daughter opened it for him. (This annoyed him further) And then when he came in, me being mid-stream and not talkative, then not having the chicken to put with what he wanted for tea, just topped it off. He snapped at my son because my son took a sandwich from the side and went to bite it without asking and he had just made it to go with his pasta. I don't agree with him snapping at my son but this is an issue we are trying to get past with him as he does just take food from the side without asking and obviously that is not okay. Irrelevant, he would normally not snap like that about it. I just feel like all stemming from me not picking up the phone when he left work, and being on the stream, has led to a night of me lying awake and stressed on the sofa and him upstairs not speaking to me. It seems ridiculous.

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LadyCatStark Mon 22-Feb-21 23:45:01

Urgh is he in the 1950s? Perhaps you should have fixed your hair and slipped into something pretty for him too.

Mellonsprite Mon 22-Feb-21 23:46:35

Ok bit of a drip feed, it gives me the rage when I get home and I can’t get in because the door is locked from the inside, and your son tried to eat his sandwich a bit!
But still not enough to verbally lash out.

Ejkipb Mon 22-Feb-21 23:48:11

Also, I did make it clear I wasn't happy about him snapping at my son, and I did take my son upstairs and sit with him until he was settled in bed. To be fair my son didn't seem very phased by being told off anyway, I would not allow anybody to upset my kids, but as I said this is an issue my little boy needs to stop as it's not polite to touch people's food in general yet he does it a lot. He's 4, almost 5.

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ifitpleasesandsparkles Mon 22-Feb-21 23:48:28

Rude welcome? What the fuck? Why do you have to be at the door to greet him like a dog? I don't understand this at all...

Symbion Mon 22-Feb-21 23:51:59

Lockdown is affecting everyone's mood and your family have extra pressure of 2 small kids at home and a near term pregnancy. Is you not being there to greet him the actual problem here, or is he just highly pissed off today generally and taking out it out on you? How did your son get involved - wasn't he already in bed?

Totally agree that it is not your job in life to fetch his slippers and cook his dinner, but equally when I'm home and well enough to feed myself and 2 children then I would also put some dinner by for my husband.

NiceGerbil Mon 22-Feb-21 23:52:27

He suggested it in the first place and you have a time set aside?!

Did he said assume you would not want to and he could say well I did make a suggestion you didn't like it?

If you're doing the whole headphones thing, did he not think it through and is worried you're talking to Other Men?!

You say he's not normally an arse but you're doing everything at 37 weeks?

He is bu obviously.

Ejkipb Mon 22-Feb-21 23:53:32

This is what I mean by it's not so much the tea issue that's causing me to be angry with him. It's the way he spoke and just stressed that I was wrong for being busy when he got home. It's the first time I've ever done something like that, and it was planned in advance with his knowledge.. yet it has infuriated him and he's called me rude for doing it. And being annoyed about being locked out for 10 seconds maximum is not something he would normally do. Yet he was furious. I've had an immensely busy day and despite everything I've done all of the housework and even sorted through his wardrobe for him. (He asked me to do so) yet because of this streams timing he comes home and creates this atmosphere where I end up on the couch because I'm too uncomfortable to go to bed.. it just seems so unreasonable. Esspecially when as I said as soon as I came down I hugged him and said I didn't like being preoccupied when he came home as I felt rude so I won't do it again... Without him even saying anything... Yet he still proceeded to give me grief and tell me how rude it was and how angry he is.

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Ejkipb Mon 22-Feb-21 23:54:29

My son came down from his bedroom as he wanted to ask for a drink.

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Clymene Mon 22-Feb-21 23:54:58

Are your other kids his kids?

FelicityPike Mon 22-Feb-21 23:56:36

He’s a dick!

cliftonbear Mon 22-Feb-21 23:57:45

what a manchild, I’d laugh at him honestly

Ejkipb Tue 23-Feb-21 00:00:02

To answer all questions, my son came down for a drink.
I would always make his tea if I'm well, even when myself and the kids have eaten something else, I will usually make him something still for when he comes home, or at least order him something if I'm too tired or ill. As I said it's a rarity that I don't make his tea.
He called me earlier and didn't seem generally pissed off to be honest so I'm not sure about that one.
He doesn't expect me to greet him at the door as such but he does usually expect a hello (kiss) how was work etc. Which of course with a headset on mid-stream I wasn't able to do. I did say hi but not much else of course.
I don't know why he is so upset about the stream as it was his suggestion to start to do this as I have been genuinely depressed with changing my entire lifestyle to that of a (now heavily pregnant) stay home mum.
Maybe he didn't anticipate that I would enjoy it or continue it I'm not sure.
To be honest I just don't understand how the situation has spiralled to this.

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PPNC Tue 23-Feb-21 00:00:14

His attitude sounds like it’s terrible when he’s pissed off, but from what you are saying it sounds like he’s usually not like this and is reasonable? So I wouldn’t jump to LTB and he’s a 1950s arse.

People are generally tense at the moment, it sounds like the reasons he gave you for being in an arse aren’t actually the reason he’s in a mood. Not great but we all do it sometimes when we don’t really know why we are just fucked off!

I am just wondering, you say you had headphones on so can’t hear, and your 4 year old was wandering around downstairs alone, without you being able to hear. Your 8 year old had to hear and answer the door to their dad? Would you have even known if he didn’t come up to see you?

Just thinking he could be pissed off about that, I think I would be as it doesn’t sound very safe...

Biffbaff Tue 23-Feb-21 00:00:44

This whole thread is bizarre. You make sure you're normally around to greet your husband from work? You have already considered not doing your hobby because you want to be there for him when he steps through the door? He finds you not doing that disrespectful and lashes out at everyone when you don't? Why is he more important than you? Worshipping your husband home from work is not normal, not at all.

His management of his food (the sandwich on the side) and your son while you weren't there is his responsibility, also not yours, nor your son's.

Is he Jesus or something?

Ejkipb Tue 23-Feb-21 00:02:14

No my other kids are from my previous relationship, however in general he is fantastic with them and always has been.

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