To delay trying for a baby?

[Conkergame]

DH and I are both 33 and if we got pregnant tomorrow we’d be 34 when our first child was born. We’ve both agreed we want kids, probably two, but don’t actually want to get pregnant right now. However we are aware we’re not getting any younger and are wondering whether we should move our plans forward? We are financially stable and should be able to afford it.

On the plus side for moving things forward - we don’t know how long it will take us to get pregnant so it could be a couple of years away anyway; we’ve heard it gets harder to conceive as you get older (although anecdotally we know a number of older parents and it’s younger couples we know who are struggling); we’re worried about our own parents being old and not being able to enjoy the grandkids properly; and COVID is scuppering all of our other plans so we might as well take what control we can! Also, most of our friends are having kids at the moment so it would put us on the same level as them (we’ve felt “behind” for a couple of years as everyone got married around the time we met).

On the side for waiting longer: we met later than we would have liked so have only had 3 years together and one of those has essentially been in lockdown! We want to have a wedding - we got married last year but only with parents and siblings present due to covid and no proper reception. We’re both very sociable people with large friendship groups we would love to celebrate with! Of course we could throw a party after we’ve had a baby but it seems a bit random to do it so long after the wedding and maybe our priorities will change after a child and we won’t want to spend the money? But I think I’d always feel sad to have missed out on that. Same with a honeymoon - we’d love to go on a big holiday together pre-children but due to covid won’t be able to go until later this year. We’re also not living where we want to when we have kids. Our aim is to move this year but it might take time and we don’t want to be still stuck here when the baby arrives. Finally, we haven’t got as far in our careers as we would have liked to when having kids. This means less money and less power/freedom at work to set our own hours etc. We would rather have another couple of years of seniority under the belt. Plus, we just don’t fancy having them yet!

So...given our position and age - WWBU to wait another 18 months to TTC? So we can have our wedding, honeymoon, move house and get further in our careers? Or is that too risky, especially with COVID making weddings and travel difficult anyway!

[ciaobella88]

You will 100% more value the ability to set your own hours at work when you are a parent. This will enhance your life a lot more than having babies within the same 9 months as a friend group.

[MilkMoon]

If you are certain you want to have a child, I wouldn’t postpone trying to conceive for a wedding party or holiday, and a move can be done at any point, surely? Work is a more serious concern, but how much difference will another two years make, really?

[BeastOfBODMAS]

I could have written your exact post!
My thought was that if we put TTC on hold for a wedding party, honeymoon, job change etc and these things can’t happen this year or even next, it would be doubly disappointing, especially if TTC takes a while. So we’re going to throw everything at the wall and see what sticks rather than attempt to control what order things happen in. Some things like our honeymoon might get postponed again either way, but for a baby is a much nicer reason than the pandemic.

But if you just don’t fancy it yet, that’s the main reason not to I think! You can reprioritise your goals at any time as circumstances & feelings change.

[Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou]

I wouldn't wait if I were you, especially if you want 2 children. Like you say you don’t know how long it could take to get pregnant, and the risk of complications for both you and the baby increase after the age of 35. I would just get rid of contraception and see what happened for a few months. If you have your lovely baby you honestly won’t care about a holiday or party, and you can still do all of those things if you want to anyway!

[HeyMister]

You don't sound 100%. Don't do it.

[Aquamarine1029]

At your age, I wouldn't be waiting to have a baby, and I definitely wouldn't be spending loads of money on a "wedding" when you're already married. That's just foolish, imo.

[Sciurus83]

I wouldn't wait at your age if you want two, you don't know how long it might take and how big a gap you want

[bunhead34]

If you definitely want kids I wouldn't wait.
We started ttc at 33 and I'm now 36 and pregnant with my first - after unexplained infertility and Ivf. We are both healthy and tests showed no problems with either of us.

If my 'plan' had worked out this would be my second baby, now I will only be having one!

[Elbels]

How strange, I must have typed this in my sleep and not realised as I'm in almost an identical scenario.

Our wedding was postponed last year and rearranged for this spring which is obviously incredibly unlikely to happen. We also have a large friendship group who we actually like and want everyone to be there so the idea of never having that feels awful. We also had a couple of big trips we wanted to do pre-kids.

However I know that getting pregnant isn't a guarantee, maybe we should try, there's never a good time blah blah blah, both my boyfriend and I have no idea what to do.

[YoniAndGuy]

I'd have a fertility MOT on both of you to see if on paper you're ok. If so, yes I'd wait a year or two. No longer, mind. If any issues are flagged up - try straight away.

[LeSquigh]

I wouldn’t wait at your age. I had my first at 32 and my second at 39 and although I got pregnant very quickly both times having a baby at those ages is fucking exhausting. If I could change one thing about my life it would be to have had my children earlier.

[Conkergame]

@Elbels and @BeastOfBODMAS - good to find some people in a similar situation! (Although sorry that you are too - it’s difficult, isn’t it?!)

I can’t help feeling envious of our friends who married and went on a big honeymoon a couple of years ago, but I guess that wouldn’t get around our career issue. Hard to know how much effect a couple of years will have but I think it would give me the chance to become a more indispensable member of the team?

[DappledThings]

I started TTC at 32. Didn't have my babies till I was 36 and 38. Which worked out fine in the end but I wouldn't delay trying myself.

[Crowncan]

Just have a read of the infertility boards here. You might be lucky and fall pregnant straight away or you might be one of the 1 in 7 couples who need help. I’m 37 and was supposed to get married last year but when we couldn’t we decided to try for our second child instead as I was worried about my declining fertility. Luckily I fell pregnant on the 2nd month. We will still get married later and it won’t be a relaxed child free affair but It will be with the people we love and I wouldn’t have risked not having this baby for all the weddings, honeymoons and careers in the world.

[popNlock]

Plus, we just don’t fancy having them yet!
Well there you go. You've said it.

[LawnFever]

I did the same, and then at 36 was unable to conceive and was then pushed to get two rounds of IVF before a cut off in my NHS area and were unsuccessful.

If you want kids I wouldn’t wait, I have no medical issues and had no reason to suspect we’d be in this situation whatsoever, in fact the doctors have never really been able to pinpoint what the exact issue is

[firstimemamma]

If you want to have children and you're 33, I'd try now in your shoes personally.

[LawnFever]

Sorry I’ve not worded that very well, we were up against an age limit of 40 for the IVF and a time span in between each session, but yeah you have no idea what may or may not happen

[littlepeas]

Only you can decide but I wouldn’t wait at your age if you definitely want dc.

[Conkergame]

@popNlock well yes, but we don’t want to later regret being blasé about it now if we’re actually about to fall off a fertility cliff!

[Soontobenewmummy]

If you’re absolutely certain you want kids at some point then no, I wouldn’t wait any longer to start trying. I conceived my first child age 31, no issues at all - started trying to conceive second child 18 months later and I was infertile. You’ve got 30 years yet to work and go on holidays.

[Changechangychange]

It’s no so much about your fertility falling off a cliff, as the time it takes to get a diagnosis and start IVF if you do turn out to have fertility problems that you don’t already know about.

I also started trying at 32 - had my first at 37, and at 41 am still trying for no 2. No indication we would have problems. We haven’t messed about (I’ve had five pregnancies and lots of procedures). It has just taken a really long time - realistically if I had delayed trying to age 35, we would probably be childless.

[EdgeOfACoin]

We waited, doing so in the knowledge that it was a risk and we may not be able to have children the longer we left it.

We're now 38 and have been trying to conceive for 8 months without success.

If you are certain that you want children eventually and would be devastated if you couldn't have them at all, then you should start now. If you can envisage an alternative future without children and you would be okay with that scenario, then maybe you can wait a bit longer.

Don't do anything before you are ready, but be sure you understand the consequences of waiting. If you find you need assistance, your chances of IVF working are better the younger you are, and you have longer to investigate and resolve any problems.

[Notimeforaname]

well yes, but we don’t want to later regret being blasé about it now if we’re actually about to fall off a fertility cliff!
Well then do it.

[Affor]

You might be lucky and fall pregnant straight away or you might be one of the 1 in 7 couples who need help.

You also might be one of the 6 in 7 that don't need help, in which case you'd have been better waiting! In your shoes I would wait a couple of years. Or, can you afford some basic fertility testing now so you know what situation you're in?