To delay trying for a baby?

[Conkergame]

DH and I are both 33 and if we got pregnant tomorrow we’d be 34 when our first child was born. We’ve both agreed we want kids, probably two, but don’t actually want to get pregnant right now. However we are aware we’re not getting any younger and are wondering whether we should move our plans forward? We are financially stable and should be able to afford it.

On the plus side for moving things forward - we don’t know how long it will take us to get pregnant so it could be a couple of years away anyway; we’ve heard it gets harder to conceive as you get older (although anecdotally we know a number of older parents and it’s younger couples we know who are struggling); we’re worried about our own parents being old and not being able to enjoy the grandkids properly; and COVID is scuppering all of our other plans so we might as well take what control we can! Also, most of our friends are having kids at the moment so it would put us on the same level as them (we’ve felt “behind” for a couple of years as everyone got married around the time we met).

On the side for waiting longer: we met later than we would have liked so have only had 3 years together and one of those has essentially been in lockdown! We want to have a wedding - we got married last year but only with parents and siblings present due to covid and no proper reception. We’re both very sociable people with large friendship groups we would love to celebrate with! Of course we could throw a party after we’ve had a baby but it seems a bit random to do it so long after the wedding and maybe our priorities will change after a child and we won’t want to spend the money? But I think I’d always feel sad to have missed out on that. Same with a honeymoon - we’d love to go on a big holiday together pre-children but due to covid won’t be able to go until later this year. We’re also not living where we want to when we have kids. Our aim is to move this year but it might take time and we don’t want to be still stuck here when the baby arrives. Finally, we haven’t got as far in our careers as we would have liked to when having kids. This means less money and less power/freedom at work to set our own hours etc. We would rather have another couple of years of seniority under the belt. Plus, we just don’t fancy having them yet!

So...given our position and age - WWBU to wait another 18 months to TTC? So we can have our wedding, honeymoon, move house and get further in our careers? Or is that too risky, especially with COVID making weddings and travel difficult anyway!

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if somebody has already said this... If you're waiting for everything to be 'right' before you start a family (right job, right house, right savings etc) you'll never do it. X

The problem is the perfect time to have a child doesnt exist.
In two years time there will be something else you are waiting for.
At your age I wouldn't delay.

Ultimately it is entirely up to you. However, fertility does decline.
I had a couple of kids in my late twenties, early thirties got pregnant immediately and when I was 36 we decided we wanted another one.
It took nearly five years. "Unexplained secondary fertility".
Unless you know you will be happy enough with no kids delaying may not be such a good idea.

Female fertility starts to fall off a cliff at age 35. It really does. Also, you don’t know until you try if you’re likely to have problems, but if you do have problems and you only start to address them in your late thirties then it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to solve them using your own eggs. It is possible, but unlikely.)

Your call but you would be very foolish to wait given you’re already early thirties. At least get your hormones tested- amh fsh etc - so you can see what your egg reserves are like.

Ps had a baby at 33. Was unable to have another despite trying straight after first. Ivf etc all failed as my eggs are too old and won’t grow.

I was in a similar position but went ahead and got pregnant thankfully without too long a wait. Never regretted it and pregnant with number two now. First pregnancy was extremely complicated with health issues, baby was fine in the end but did need a stay in the icu. I was glad I didn’t wait to get pregnant as I feel if I was older things might have been worse again? Second pregnancy ironically seems much smoother though (I am 33). I do however regret not doing this earlier as it never seemed to be the “right” time and I eventually realised if I was waiting for perfect timing I would never have a baby at all.

I was 32 when we started trying - we didn't need "help" but it took 13 months and that was with nothing wrong (fertility tests came back fine for both me and DH the week after I tested positive). So all in all it was nearly 2 years between coming off the pill and giving birth. Just a thought - delaying TTC for say 1 or 2 years means not having an actual child for closer to 2-3 years as 42 weeks is pretty much 10 months!

Female fertility starts to fall off a cliff at age 35.

Actually, the cliff wall is more at 40 than at 30, for the average woman. The 30s are more about steady decline.

That said, everyone is different. Some women's cliff wall will indeed be at about 35 rather than 40.

Just skimmed this but thoughts-
No, fertility doesn't "fall off a cliff at 35". Annoying myth. I started TTC at 41 so I've researched it to death and it's just not true. I had mine at 42 and 44. Yes, unusual, but I've met an awful lot of late 30 somethings at baby classes. Trying earlier buys you more time if you have a problem. That is the big advantage to it.
No, fertility tests can't tell you if you can have a baby. I had a set of results done by an expert fertility clinic aged 43 and 3/4, apparently it was awful and I had no chance, found out I was pregnant the next month and now have a beautful one year old. I know others with perfect fertility results who have been trying for years, and they're a decade younger than me.
You are never ready.
Lockdown is boring. I'd love to be pregnant again to feel purposeful and to have something to look forward to. It's also an angsty time- are you overthinking all of this?
Consider doing what your friends are doing. Do they have children yet? Sounds like stupid advice but it's socially helpful to go through the same stages at the same time. My friends had children a decade before I did and it was isolating for me. It worked out fine, but still something to consider.
You can't say you're the kind of parent who prefers older children until you've been through all those baby years. Babies are one hell of a lot more charming when they are your own.
Good luck!

Dh and I were married and had our first child within 2.5 years. So I wouldn’t worry about the ‘we’ve only been together 3 years’.
Also you don’t know how long it will take you (but be prepared for it happening straight away too!). Also, I wish I had children earlier. I was 37 with my first. Your energy levels do go down as you get older. I have friends with dc the same age as mine - they are 10 years younger than me and have more energy.

[quote Conkergame]@Meowchickameowmeow I would argue 4 years is a relatively short period of time if it brings you a lifetime of happiness afterwards! I had 4 hard years training for my career, which I didn’t really enjoy, but it’s been so worth it for the career I have now! I worry more about people who really want a baby as children are only babies for such a short period of time. Will that same person still love a whiny, angry teenager? [/quote]
Yes of course they will because it's their child

You don't just stop loving a child because they get to a certain age.

If you want children I think you be insane to wait. You’re married so just start trying to conceive.

Lots of people saying just crack on!
Best of luck with whatever you decide.
Sounds like you have some practical reasons to wait, moving house and more flexibility at work.
And some more emotional ones, wanting the wedding, the last holiday in an adults only resort and the big reunion with friends.
I would say don’t be afraid to reassess your priorities regularly as they could change. Also life won’t stop the moment you get pregnant, it could be a great focuser for getting some of your other goals tied up if you are someone who thrives on a deadline!

If you don't want them yet don't, but really have a think about whether or not you want them at all. If having children is important to you, you will have to start trying soon.

I would argue 4 years is a relatively short period of time if it brings you a lifetime of happiness afterwards! I had 4 hard years training for my career, which I didn’t really enjoy, but it’s been so worth it for the career I have now! I worry more about people who really want a baby as children are only babies for such a short period of time. Will that same person still love a whiny, angry teenager?

Crikey, do people really think like that? They think they're buying a kitten, but they're actually buying a cat? What a shocker!

Flipping heck.

Ha @SnoozyLou I think most people know it’s a commitment for at least 18 years. But lots of women in particular have a child because they’re broody for a cute little baby. I guess my point is that they are only a baby for a short time and they end up not being cute any more. So I do think some women end up being unhappy further down the line when the kids are no longer adorable babies and motherhood maybe isn’t how they pictured. But on the flip side if you’re not crazy about the baby stage it’s not necessarily the end of the world as it’s a short stage and then you get a person at the end of it! Just answering the people who were questioning whether we want kids at all.

I actually think it’s natural to worry about the fairly restrictive baby stage if you have a very active life which includes two busy careers, active social lives, lots of travel and sport. Doesn’t mean it won’t be worth it in the end but might mean a big adjustment of expectations for a few years while they’re still very young.

I actually think it’s natural to worry about the fairly restrictive baby stage if you have a very active life which includes two busy careers, active social lives, lots of travel and sport.

I think you'd be surprised how much all of a sudden your priorities change when you become a parent and the worries about how restrictive the baby stage is will melt away?

I used to extreme scuba dive (cave diving - the lot) and event horses - as soon as DD arrived I had this almost overwhelming realisation about my lack of mortality and panicked about being around to see my child grow up. I totally lost my edge when it came to sports and haven't really got back into it?

Holidays too have changed - the couple of adult weekends away we had were just spent talking about what DD might have enjoyed doing and where we'd have taken her - we haven't gone away without her since?

It's like this subconscious shift in your entire world - your centre of gravity changes - the busy career suddenly became about making sure I was home to read her a bed time story and kiss her goodnight. The active social life became about avoiding a hang over so as not to miss out on family time the next day (if you work full time the weekends become very precious family time)

@ivfbeenbusy thanks for that different perspective!